I keep thinking how Jesus raised Lazarus from his tomb
And about how that really must have healed his family’s wounds
I’ve been praying for some leniency for yours too
Still, no matter how many tears I shed, it’s for no use
He must have thought Lazarus deserved life more than you

But I don’t think he does
See, I think God chooses favorites
And it just wasn’t us

I keep begging for a miracle to come through
Hoping that all this tragedy doesn’t have to be true
And I know it’s pointless of me to do
But I’m only human; What am i supposed to do?

I’ve read a lot of books
So many stories

They always describe it the same
Dry mouth, empty thoughts
Usually even instant understanding
But that wasn’t how it happened for me

They all say they couldn’t breathe
But I was breathing too much
Hyperventilating

There was nothing empty about my mind
The thoughts were racing
Oh, all the images
The memories
Of you and me
Under the bridge
And at the trailer parks

Our last conversations
That very final hug
But not our last embrace

I held you from the casket
I planted a loving kiss on your face

My tongue didn’t feel dry
I was mumbling to myself
Screaming in devastation
Drowning in my grief

I kept calling your phone
Praying for an answer
Praying for anything

I needed it to be a lie
I needed it all to be fake

I couldn’t understand
No sense could it make

I threw my head against the walls
Hoping the bricks could seal my fate
Blow after blow
Trying to join my soulmate

Pleading

Bargaining with God

I’ll change my ways
Just let this be okay

Begging to have you back that day

Hopeless.
Lost.
My soul felt pointless.

And when I saw you for the first time
When I laid my eyes on that box
It wasn’t just you; it was me that I saw

I was you and you were me
And I knew the truth
I was dead now too

Only a few things make me crack
I can’t handle comments on my weight
No I don’t think that I’m fat

It takes me years to gain
“Little girl, don’t you eat?”

All I want is curves
I can attain them too
But if I miss even one meal
It all falls through

I wish I was invisible
I wish no one cared
I wish that when I enter the room
It won’t feel like everyone stares

You could give me the world
And I'd still be cold
Staring through the screen door
Full of
Boredom
And
Resentment