Its been while since I've thought of you
Since I've wondered how you've been
Since I've seen your face

Its been a while since you've talked to me
Since I've blocked out your ignorant ranting
Since I've had to tell someone to stop talking

Its been a while since I've observed your mental health
Since you've bashed on me for having an eating disorder
Since I knew you had one too

Its been a while since you've checked on me to see if I'm still alive
Since I've checked on you
Since you would even care if I did

Its been a while since I've cared to wonder about you
Since you've called me names
Since you've spread lies about me

Its been a while since I've heard your name
Since anyone has brought you up
Since I've seen you

Its been a while since I've felt happy
Since I've felt safe
Since I have worried about my appearance

Its been a while since I've had to auto-correct my sentences
Since you don't yell at me anymore
Since your sensitive *** isn't around anymore

Its been a while since I've been glad someone has left my life
Since I've felt free
Since I've been me

There are just something's that don't change.
Like memories.
Like people.
Like thoughts.

I've grown tired of seeing his face in my nightmares, waking colder than winter, with fear worse than the thought of death.
I don't remember what it feels like to sleep soundly.
I've tried to tell myself that one day he will fade from my mind, but in truth, I doubt that's true.
For the things that he imbedded in my brain, like deep marks on cows for branding, can never be erased.

I've grown tired of watching them destroy their lives and the lives of the people whom they claim to love. I say claim with direct intent to harm ones heart, for you do not hurt the ones you love.
There are things you do and say, things you hope make an impact, make some sort of change, but let's face it.. When those things fall on deaf ears you lose hope.
You stop caring if they try to fix what they have detremented, because at this moment when you can no longer feel the nerve endings meant to cause emotion, you stop believing it even matters.

I've grown tired of listening to the inevitable words caught on replay from my minds own habits.
You want so desperately to work your brain away from the mental disorders many therapists have told you will never escape you, but as much as you want it, it's not granted.
Thoughts that plague you beyond the measures of comprehension, with things that never make sense.
You're always confused, even when you're angry, or depressed.
You're confused.
Not by how you become to feel this way, not by what caused you to have your latest break down, but why in the first place you have to feel this way.
Why everyone tells you that it's so simple to stop, when clearly, if it were that easy you wouldn't feel this way.
But as you dwell in a constant state of confusion, while contemplating your existence, you still whisper to yourself, it's going to be okay.
And it is.
For that moment.

Have you lost your mind?
You're whispering her name and your memories of her in my ear,
You don't see my tears
Have you gone blind to my emotions?
I love you
But your thoughts of her are my biggest fears.
Don't you care?
You're telling me how much it hurts YOU.
Am I really here?
Am I really hearing this right now?
Is this really happening?
I don't know.
I don't know who you are.
This pain I'm feeling, doesn't make sense.
I don't want to think about it.
It makes me sick.
My heart is jealous beyond belief.
But it shouldn't be.
You're mine.
Aren't you?
So, why, in the hell are you telling me about her?
Do you still want me?
I've debated for so long I've forgotten when I started.
I shouldn't feel this way.
If you really want me, I shouldn't feel this way.
I should know that you want me.
I shouldn't have to fight for my place in your mind when you've already supposed to have given it to me.
This hurts.
Don't you see?
I'm scared.
I'm scared that no matter what I do,
It's never going to be good enough for you.
Don't you love me?
Show me.
You tell me not to say such things like that.
"No, you don't love me."
"You're not sorry."
What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to lie?
Because those things are how I feel.
I often state my mind and pass it off as a joke because I feel bad that I've hurt you.
But I just as often get upset because I feel you don't feel bad for hurting me.
And that hurts too.
Don't I mean something to you?
Then why don't you at least try to avoid hurting me?
I love you,
But I'm scared to know if it's the right choice...
You're talking to me, completely disregarding what you just said,
And I cant find my voice,
To tell you just how much I'm past the point of no return.
Yet, somehow I find room to be pushed a little bit more.
What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with us?
I don't know anymore.

Don't fix **** that ain't broken
Listen to these words being spoken
You think I'm jokin'
But let that **** sink in
This ain't even the worst part
But where should I start?
How bout' back to 2010?
Everything's coming back again
Things weren't pretty,
In fact, they were down right ******
Parents forgetting me and my siblings
They had better things to do
We didn't like to think so
but we knew it was true
We'd scream and yell, we'd had enough
But they weren't chicken to call our bluff
With their issues and misuse
And guys to mistrust
And girls that make fuss
Its no wonder I am where I am
Full of wonder and distrust
Life's just a ******* scam
This world's got me full of disgust
Flash forward to today
I'll hope and I'll pray
The good Lord will save my brother
From all the **** that started with my father and mother
My little sister
I see her everyday but I miss her
She's not the same
Timid and shy, back in the day
Now she'll ******* up if you get in her way
Ain't nothing changed in that house from yesterday
Except the absence of me
I couldn't take them away from all the dismay
No unfortunately, they had to stay
My siblings and me
They were all I had in that hell hole we called home
Then I left them there
Off to roam
My first real friends
And I left them in a place where happiness ends
But I hope they know
I want to watch them prosper and grow
They may be low, but they can rise above
So here's to my siblings, Kenneth and Carly
I hope you feel my kindness and love

There's no time to be chasing waterfalls
With all the noise behind these walls
No reason to wonder
When my head is full of thunder
It's so loud inside my head
Wanting to be dead
Thoughts surrounding me
Screaming, "So what'll it be?"
I don't think it could be worse
But that sentence is my curse
So **** this ****
**** that ***** that says shes trying
**** that guy whose always lying
And **** this world
That said I could be cured

I'll be honest with you, Friend.
I kind of want to ******* die.
Close my eyes and disappear.
No more problems to worry about.
No more anything.
Ever.
Remember,
Closed eyes don't sigh.
So, even though I care about you,
And I don't want you to feel hurt,
I can't stay here anymore.
You see,
Closed eyes don't sigh.
So with slightly parted lips,
And a smile to make you wonder why,
I'll leave you with these words,
I love you and good bye.

40 minutes
Until I can get up and leave
40 minutes
Until class ends
40 minutes
Until I give up
40 minutes
Until I don't have to do anything
40 minutes

Please stop talking to me
Please stop trying to make me feel better
Please stop pretending you care

You know **** well I do not like you
You know **** well you are the one making me upset
You know **** well you do not care about me

Stop acting like you are trying to help me
Stop touching me
Stop pretending you like me

We both know you do not want to help me
We both know you you only touch me to annoy me
We both know you do not like me

11/11/15
I'm so ******* ******.
I want to smash his face with my fist.
Have a nice ******* day.
Or don't, I don't care anyway.
What's wrong?
Don't we get along?
No, you ******* idiot.
We do not.

Blood is thicker than water
That's what they taught her
But the blood of the covenant is thicker
Her thoughts on life flicker

She couldn't care less what they whisper
It won't change her mind, it won't effect her
But here's the kicker
Thoughts of suicide are always with her

Curiosity killed the cat
She thinks too much of that
But here's a matter of fact
Satisfaction brought her back

Blind as a bat she feels
With a hope she never reveals
But lets not forget
All the things she hides with deep regret

Gild the lily
So, she tells herself to do this truly
But her thoughts they rig
For how can she justify putting lipstick on a pig?

No rest for the wicked
This is not the life she picked
But even with the promise of grace
She knows no peace

She's hidden from view
Even from you
But well behaved women rarely make history
So she'll remain a mystery

One must consider the final result
So, when she leaves it's not your fault
But on brighter thoughts she leans
Because the end justifies the means

I haven't been completely honest
With myself
I lie to her all day long
She asks if I am alright
I nod and give a frail smile
Sure
You could consider me that
I think I would rather give it the name of "surviving"

Me who wears leggings in the heat
Me whose boyfriend has a smile that can't be beat
Me who hides scars embedded deep in my wrists
Me who wants so badly to be missed
Me who goes on isolated walks
Me who never talks
Me who loves to be kissed
Me who has wished
Me who doesn't belong
Me who is wrong
Me who is cared for
Me who they adore
Me who is needed
Me who was pleaded
Me who was kissed
Me who will be missed
Me

Hey you
With your soulful brown eyes
And slender frame
It's cute when you use my name
I dread our goodbyes
Hey you
With your silly stories
And odd little quirks
You and I'll make it
Despite the jerks
If not we can fake it
Hey you
I like you
With your not so appropriate jokes
The way you walk proudly
I love being in your arms
I'll say your name loudly
Hey you
I love you

Hey friend,
Put down the blades
This feeling surely fades
Put away the pills
Watching you live like this kills me inside
Don't hang that noose
Keep that rope loose
Acknowledge your feeling
It's not unappealing
Look at the people who love you, their faces
They know you're going places
Not in the ground
Let your broken heart be found
You are loved and needed
Even if no one begged and pleaded
You're meant for something
Imagine the smiles you could bring
If you stay
Come with me, friend, I'll show you the  way

Don't you know it's Christmas?
Theres kids cutting themselves
Toys being put on all the shelves
Were dealing with ISIS
But the holidays are priceless
Don't you know it's Christmas?
Theres people dealing with cancer
All we care about is Rudolf and Prancer
Theres teens commiting suicide
They should be kept warm and on the inside
Don't you know it's Christmas?
Al Quida taking the life of children
And were wondering when Santa's coming back again
Theres kids doing drugs
While were surrounded with hugs
Don't you know it's Christmas?

Something's wrong
She's smiling and dancing along
She's laughing
Something's wrong
She holds a hand
She's listening to the song
Something's wrong
She's making jokes
Sick jokes that aren't that long
Something's wrong
Why haven't they noticed yet?
Why haven't they noticed she isn't that strong?
Something's wrong
She's been fighting
She's been fighting for just so long
Something's wrong
She knows she's losing
She knows, oh she knows,
Something's wrong

Something unexplantional
Something Unexpected
Something truely awful
Something not remembered
Something no one understands
Something unpredictable
Something thats lost
Something that feels
Something only I can see
Something that happened
Something that hurts
Something bleeds and cries
Something is the cause for so much misery
Something that is left unsaid
Something that haunts a soul
Something lies only carry
Something of sorrow
Something of mine

Be still my frantically beating heart
Its decimating
I'm losing my mind
And all that matters is the silent relief of surrender
I can't understand all that's happened
And I refuse to let it sink in
Shallow as it might be
I'm wishing you'll understand and I'm hoping you'll forgive me
Lose me
I'm already broken and glues not helping

Hey honey
Isn't it funny
How lost you were
Not for me, not for her
On a whim
Just for him

You're not fooling me
I see right through that mask
The painted smile
And the glazed over eyes
You're not fooling me
I won't believe you
Not about being fine
Not about feeling better
You're not fooling me
You hide your tears with happy lies
Your sleeves hide even more
You don't understand why you're here
You're not fooling me
The last thing I want to hear you say
You'll be alone
You did it I your self
You're not fooling me
Don't think I forgive you
Stop hurting your self
Don't say goodbye
You're not fooling me
I love you
I'm only trying to help you
Why can't you give me a chance
You're not fooling me
You lie to me
You trick me
I believed you once
You're not fooling me
I will save you
Before its too late
I'll protect you in my arms, because
You're not fooling me

I'm crying
Can't you see
My hearts breaking inside of me
My eyes never make eye contact
I'm crying
Can't you see
My bones are aching me
My legs aren't taking me anywhere
I'm crying
Can't you see
I need help, help me
Please, save me from myself
I'm crying
Can't you see?

Ana who is sweet
Ana who is kind
Ana who helps

Ana who is cold
Ana who is lonely
Ana who lies

Ana who laughs
Ana who smiles
Ana who winks

Ana who cried
Ana who's sorry
Ana who's forgotten

Ana who wants
Ana who needs
Ana who craves

Ana who loses
Ana who wins
Ana who never played the game

Ana who left
Ana who never cared
Ana who watched her disappear

Behind brown eyes a shadow walks
Children love
And hearts break
Behind brown eyes blood is spilled
Secrets are kept
And lies are like oxygen
Behind brown eyes are left over feelings when
She kills herself inside
And buries the hatchet
Behind brown eyes lies a secret
Blood that burns
And metal that soothes
Behind brown eyes hunger waits
For an answer
And the answer never comes
Behind brown eyes lies Ana
Ana who is cold
And Ana who lies
Behind brown eyes is a broken soul
Who believes she is unfixable
And believes she is unloveable
Behind brown eyes lies me

Cold hands
Cold heart
Nobody sees cold
Nobody know what cold is
Cold is lonely
Cold is needy
Cold is dead

Candy
Lack of interest
Hope
Disappointment

Candy with a movie
Popcorn too
Candy so sweet and groovy
Popcorn lovely too

Lack of interest clouds my judgement
Lack of interest hobbles along
Lack of interest leaves me lonely
Lack of interest hates my being

Hope
Hope of finding freedom
Hope that left me restelss
Hope that made me anxious

Disappointment rings
Disappointment kills hope
Disappointemnt sacrafices candy
Disappointment confides in lack of interest

Eggs
Candy
Children
Fun

Eggs of color
Eggs of white
Eggs solid
Eggs that are hid

Candy thats sweet
Candy thats chocolate
Candy that has too much sugar
Candy that cant be beat

Children that find eggs
Children that run
Children that eat candy
Children that have fun

Fun for all ages
Fun that last hours
Fun with family
Fun that only comes once a year

Waves rolling
Frothy deep blue crashing
He's laughing at the simplicity of their being
Shes smiling
Ever so slight, ever so lying
For the sunset's light
She smiles
He's holding her hand
Shes blushing
Theyre sitting in the sand
While in the land of milk and honey
Shes laughing
But hes definately not funny
The days coming short
He's ready to go
But she knows
That because things are moving so slow
He wont come back
So now hes gone
She looks on
Waves rolling
Frothy deep blue crashing

I'm not angry, I'm just saying..
You're not the only one I care about.
Yes, you're a main person I care about..
But not the only one.

Ignore me
Ignore me so I know how you really feel
Ignore me
Ignore me so I don't get too attached
Ignore me
Ignore me so it won't hurt as much when I say goodbye
Ignore me

The bravest thing I ever did
Was continue my life, when I wanted to die
My mind would tell me things that were stupid
Things that I couldnt look you in the eye
And tell you without being ashamed
I remember smiling with each lie
And laughing, because if they ever found out
I'm the only one to be rightfully blamed
I used to sit in the dark, sulking and pouting
I used to hate myself
My mind would go to the worst
But I'm glad to say that today 
I'll be the first
To say that not tomorrow, or even the next day
Am I leaving you now
So, smile ok? 
Especially, if you're believing me now.

9-2-1! (3x chant)
Flip it open and press left
Then its as easy as...
9-2-1 facebook!
Find old friends and new ones too!
Creeps galore and drama?
Oh boy theres more!

9-2-1 facebook! (repeat 4x after 1st time, lull in the background.)
Boyfriends cheat,
Girlfriends meet,
She's fake, oh him too (Speaking voice)
I can't believe Jessie's with Brady
And they'er gonna' have a baby
They'er only in high school, ain't that crazy?(Snotty voice)
Drama, Drama, Drama
Save it for your mamma
Facebook!
The place where you can drop 50 lbs in a night
And own a 40,000 dollar mansion in Mowey
Where everyone pretends to care,
When we all know they have better things o do
Where everyone's a critic and nobody's real! (Goes from normal voice to louder, NOT a scream)

VERSE ONE

You can't take my happiness from me before I do
Sitting in class, barely breathing
Nobody's listening
Everybody's slacking
She's asking us to nod if were alive
Still at first,
Then I nod my head,
Sadly, I am alive.
I'm starring out the window,
Realizing how selfish I really am
I can't leave him here alone
He loves me
And I actually love him back
The poor soul,
Stuck with a ***** like me.


CHORUS ONE

For get that! (Scream whole line)
***** the depression,
The self pity,
I don't need it, or deserve it.
Don't feel sorry for me,
Listen to me! (Scream whole line 2x)
That's all I ask...(repeat line 2x, 2nd time quieter)

VERSE TWO

At home lying in bed
Wishing I was dead
Music blaring in my ears
Not caring about all the people, all the tears.
They want help from me,
They want me to soothe them,
To calm their fears,
Break me down,
Make me feel less than human,
Then build me back up...
Just to make the fall that much more devastating...
I won't help them.
They don't deserve it.
Maybe, if they'd leave me alone,
And gather their wit,
They wouldn't need me.
Separate paths...
Gone in a flash
They won't even notice til' it's too late.
By then they'll have decided my fate.

CHORUS TWO

***** the happiness,
The wishing I could be...
This I'm telling you,
I'm sick of the confessin'
Sick of the depression
Done with the last-stand wanna-be's
Saying goodbye to my fair weather friends!
***** those who say they'er trying,
While I'm left here dying! (Lead into scream from 8th line)

VERSE THREE

Not praying to a God I'll never believe in
Placing plans for what lies ahead
Laughing at all of you when your dead (Scream dead, second vocalist sing dead)
I can't believe you fell so easy,
While I fell so hard
I can't wait so see you brutally mangled and scarred (Scream whole line)
I was stupid to have let you win for so long
You think your safe?
Better watch yourself, because I'm about to do something...
Something I really can't identify as wrong! (Laugh evilly after line)
Leave me alone!
You can't take back the things you've said and done
I want to bury you
And I'm not the only one! (Scream whole line 2x, 2nd time softer)
I'm loading the relief and sharpening the happiness
I'll release you from your high horse,
I'll bring you down back to Earth,
So you can't make anyone's life worse! (Scream whole line)

VERSE FOUR

You can't take this happiness from me before I do
Lying in your grave, still breathing
Nobody's listening, Nobody cares! (Scream Nobody cares)
I wasn't slacking, i did my part!
I am alive, your dying!
And I'm done trying.
I'm starring at the sky.
Waiting for you to die.
Do you realize it yet?
Do you realize how selfish you really are? (Scream whole line, 2nd vocalist sing in sync with scream)
I won't save you.
I hate you! (Scream whole line 2x)
The world is rid of a ***** like you...

FINAL CHORUS

Forget you
***** your regrets
Wallow in your self pity
I won't feel sorry for you,
No, not ever! (Scream Not ever)
Your getting exactly what you deserve! (Echo Deserve with a scream)
No! I won't Listen to you! (Scream whole line)
You never listened to me! Scream whole line)
I could never understand some one to cause so much pain,
So don't ask me,
Because I never could...

Love is pain
Every love is going to cause heart break
No matter how long it lasts
Maybe your love will cheat
Maybe they'll dump you
Or just do something really stupid
Regardless,
Love hurts
And always will because
Love is pain

My personality is a mask
I can't preform the simplest task
I hate everyone around me
They are trapping me
I am never free
Taunts and hurtful actions everywhere
About my clothes, my house, my hair
I can't take it anymore
My arms and legs are so sore
I look like I've been beaten to a ****** pulp
My puppy coelenterate's my headache with his yelp
So many people hate me and want me to shoo
Thats alright because I hate everyone of them too
Just because I'm different from them
I will never be like them
I don't want to be
Why cant they see?
Why cant they just let me be me?

I hate the world

Everyone who inhabits it annoys me
I can't take it any longer
I want them all to die
To leave me alone
The end of stupid people that bother me
The end to my suffering
I hate them all
Yes,
I hate the world

Most confusing things...
Questions and rising suspicions they bring...
They sure have there moments, them boys...
Sure they can be fun toys...
But when they actually love you, that shows the true joys...
They are mysterious creatures, these boys...
They ignore all their flaws and expect us to accept them...
Then we are expected to clean up out flaws...well, ***** them...
These boys and their sweet talk...
Their lies...
And their oh so precious walk...
How they trick you with their eyes...
**** them boys...
With their sly ploys...

Darkness is surrounding....
So many people, its crowding....
I hate them all....
I can't wait until I fall....
Never left alone!
Always watched and labeled...
Like a storybook character, I am fabled....
I can't take this much longer....
And no, I'm not getting stronger....
I fail at every turn....
For love and affection I urn....
Boys and girls....
Drugs that in my visions, create swirls....
Alcohol that softens the blows....
Skin that surely shows....
I can't hide this forever....
But will I tell....Never....

Thank you for reading
Thank you for making my writing seem special
Thank you for not giving up

They want me to break
They wawnt me to fall
To cry
To lose

I will not break
I will not fall
Will not cry
Will not lose

I will stay whole
I will catch myself before I fall
I will be strong
I will win

*****.
A name given to me for holding the hand of my best friend.
*****.
A shout from the cround of people who don't know me.
Emo.
A snicker from a table of popular people.
****.
From the girl who wants my boyfriend.
*****.
Because I stood up for myself.
Goth.
Because I wore black.
****.
I like boys and girls.
Witch.
A name recieved when I pretended to cast a spell on someone.
Vampire.
I'm always cold and dress dark.
Scene.
They think I am happy.
Wannabe.
What they should label themselves.
Loser.
How they make me feel.
Uncool.
Who they make me out to be.
Different.
Who I am.

I am who I am
No one, not even you
Will ever change me
Can't you just let me be free?
Let me make my own desisions?
Even if you disagree
My decisions still make me
Who I am
I am who I am
Those who mock me
Call me names
Spit on my future
Someday it will come back to you
Karma, she'll find you
So, let me be me
Stop pestering what you dont understand
Stop making eveything I do seem wrong
Stop making it all my fault
Its your fault
If you would just leave me alone
Stop harrassing me
Stop following me and hurting me
Everything would go away
Everything would stop
You would be you
and I would be me
I am who I am
And nothings going to change that

I can't be random and happy
When all I feel is pain
I can't even hide my tears on rain
Nothing I do is sappy
My secrets are only secrets to me
To everyone else, there known as free
I didn't want them to know
I didn't want anyone to know
The horror and distraught expression my face will show
I've told them to leave me alone
I've told them, No!
There taunts and unreasonable torchering make me more prone
I can't take this much longer
Each blow isn't making me any stronger
They say **** it up
They tell me to be strong
Well they should shut up
Don't they know what they're doing is wrong?
I won't say I hate them
Then I would be just as bad
They have themselves to blame
For the life I once had

We meet so irrelevant to what we were trying to do,
                                                     We hide our feelings,

                                              We shade our unhappiness,

                                        We blame others for our suffering.

                                       Our meeting was just a coincidence.

                                                We never trust anyone.

                                              We both want an ending.

                         We both want something to destroy our existence.

   The cause that made us come together is the same on the inside as on the out.

                         We both know darkness is a blanket for the light.

           We both know that night is only a temporary shield from the day.

    We both know that sleep is only a distraction for what lies ahead when we awake.

            Our secrets that we hide will die tonight with these final words.

              The last words we shed are the most important words of our lives.

                                     These words show our true colors.

                                        They show our true feelings.

                       They show our true desire for a silent surrender.

My life is stupid.
Broken down and sad.
Terrible and bad...

My life is stupid.
Forget me not.
Here I rot.

My life is stupid.
Everyone is who I hate.
They deside my eminating fate.

He makes me upset.
He makes me lose my temper.
He makes me change my range from good, to boiling.

He makes me sad.
He makes me cry every night.
He makes me miss him.

He makes me jealous.
He makes me unhappy to see his joyful smile.
He makes me feel stupid when he talks all mathmatical.

He makes me happy.
He makes me laugh with his pathetic jokes.
He makes me smile with a glance of his green eyes.

He makes me love him
with his up down
put me down, pick me up
Love me, hate me
Safe, yet dangerous way of life

To lovers you are the kiss of death.
To babies you are the stealer of their breath.

To teachers you are the disobediant child.
To hunters you are the untames wild.

To artist you are the desperatly needed inspiration.
To poets you are the unwritten emotion.

To me you are an unwanted mystery.
To me you are eventually history.

To me you are the distraction of everything.
To me you are the wind beneath the wing.

To me you are a husband to a wife.
To me you are life.

Fare well my pain and suffering.
Fare well terrible days and sorrowful nights.
Fare well My tragic and loveless life.
Fare well endless problems and questions.
Fare well my family and freinds.
Fare well teachers and the dumb government.
Fare well stupid world and people who croud it.
Fare well everyone and everything.
But most of all, Fare well my Love.

Dark and terrible sounds.
A frightened hear that pounds.
He enters the room with red eyed and a dark look.
His icey glare bores into her like a rusty hook.

She closes her eyes.
Her eyes water and she cries.
"Get out here!" he comands.
She steps up with fear.
Her face is sheilded with her hands.

He smacks her.
He says if it weren't for her there wouldn't be any problems.
If there are any though, it's because of him.

She wishes he were gone for another hour.
Though he loves her he treats her like a rag doll.
From what he's done to herher face may apaul.
That las blow to the face made her fall.
The angels witness this and end her sorrow with a bow.

Stop abuse...