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Oct 3 · 75
Twice upon a life
Willow shade Oct 3
Though there is no physical reciprocity
and there are permanent, long distances,
you are becoming inside in an unfamiliar way,
even living myself completely down...

Not too anxious for such paranormal states
since I learned the influences of your stirring...
I know you are just growing inside again
leaving all emptiness silently away...

Leaning on the wet grass dreaming of you,
the sky is spread over before my eyes;
resembling you as receiving me with open arms,
reflecting your hair - as dark as night...

Something was born within, profound and new
as I made my sublime wish beneath shooting stars;
a couple of hearts beating inside in tandem
and I live everything twice upon a life...
Jul 27 · 86
Willow forest
Willow shade Jul 27
Ah, my Sun! You are still shining somewhere
Keeping the secret of lifetime seasons
You give light and reveal the consequences
Inside my dark brain where lie reasons

Take a look and see this abandoned willow
The leaves are shriveled and desperately pale
The nests were blown away by winds of blues
As there will never sing a nightingale

I will become green again and again
It is just a way of deeper growing
Sometimes I need to be pruned  by solitude
Sometimes to be watered by melancholy

...And you really smelled life, sounded meaning
You nourished the seeds for inner peace and rest
My young and evergreen saplings are growing
You will meet me one day in a willow forest
Willow shade Mar 5
I took care of others, walked in their shoes,
got their trivial pains and forgot my loyal legs...
If I present you the baneful thorns I have trodden,
would you be ready to follow me again and barefoot?
My mind will always be bitterly cold
as an intact valley and never understood...

Though I am sure that you do not care,
I feel well, very well, except longing.
Your dreams are flailing even everywhere
while I try to stop contemplating...
You know, I am a bit chatty when I am inspired
and the poet inside me never gets tired.

You can't grasp how painful it is to emanate a poem,
how you go out of your infatuated mind...
When 'clevers' seek for justice, but only for themselves,
there is nothing else purer than the tears of madmen.
So, happiness would have been an evident injustice,
if all of the people attained their desires.
I have faced many types of mental battles,
but no war is harder than the lack of love inside.
Love is living your life for another one's sake,
sacrificing everything with honor and pride...

Now I am sure that there exists no hate,
but just does the love of hatred indeed.
Before the absurdness of irrevocable fate
only love will save us in eternity...

No feeling will help you to be deeply blessed
while mass is spurious and loners are obsessed...
As you **** your hopes you gain fake freedom,
but free slavery will still be going on,
sometimes feeling oppressed, depressed, repressed...

However,
Invincible I am before such odd jobs
and I have found ways to keep myself up.
Now I live slowly till the time begins to blur,
paradoxes take place within my dark thoughts,
I divide the time to its perpetual aeons,
all the rules and limits I swear to deny
and save the endless time when we were eye to eye...
Through your looks the heavenly sky is clear
and all the possibilities are real there...
My benevolent angel,
let the eternity recur from the start,
only the eyes of blinds do not show their hearts...

I feel very sorry and deeply upset,
when the human inside silently regrets ...
Yet I am too clumsy to move mountains,
to achieve sanctity which I want to serve.
I wish I made you happy at my any chance,
But I can only make you happiness itself...
Jan 27 · 199
Torch for the future
Willow shade Jan 27
I grabbed the eternal fire of the life
when your laugh suddenly grasped me in a void.
As you cuddled my abandoned, desolate spirit,
what a piece of sparkle could really commit
did you at least see and feel it, my dear?

Till now I remember your humane manners,
as I climb my first power-smelling ladders...
I see how the love inside turns into ego,
If I'd have been sober and hadn't let you go,
Would you have still been so true and sincere?

Power is as right as the origin of life,
however as guilty as the creator's strive.
I live all the moments as if my last ones
and wish for a moment, just only at a glance
that you were around now, that you were here...

You are the reflection of my hazy past,
my self-destructed, inside-lost part,
a disparaged philosopher, a despised poet,
our sublime revenge we begin to get,
and my majestic woman,  
you are inside yet...
So, the future is definitely clear...

Future is clear...
I am coming through,
With you
Even writing
And for the first time without any regret
Jun 2018 · 1.1k
Farewell
Willow shade Jun 2018
Only fire can be born from a spark, nothing else.

It is impossible to keep fire not burning.

You cannot warm yourself near volcano and feel serene.

You cannot touch the sun, you can just only watch it.

Even if you love the sun, you must love it humanly, not like a moth. That is the main difference of a deeper, conscious and pure love.

No human loves suffering or wants to live in it. If one does and wants, he is something new, but anyway, not a human.

And if the one is not a human, he cannot be purer than he was before.

Pure thing is humanity. Humanity is always serene and as calm as shallow, mild water to swim in.

Being humane is the highest state of being.

Anything surpasses it with suffers, pain and fire, either can turn you to inhuman being or to ashes.

There is no humanity beyond suffering. Even if it is the suffering of the deepest love. You have to come back.

In any case and circumstances, pure love must not hurt, pure love cannot degrade, pure love has no ability to set a fire.

But the thing inside me began with an instant spark and I have been in a fire burning everything and everyone around.

I wish I could cry and extinguished this fire. Yet I cannot cry. Because its spring is not from a pure love. It does not know tears. It is from a spark, from an insincere, egoist and rampant origin.

My poetry and feelings to you are a flame. It deceives by making you feel hot when you are cold and showing itself as a great present or creating various magnificent ornaments. I remember how heroically you tried to carry it, I also tried, but it is impossible. It wants only one thing - just to burn anything it has, it finds and it encounters. Even myself.

At least, for humanity and for you I must stop it. Not being too late. I wanted to provide a divine shade, but that rampant feeling inside was always deceiving and preparing a more frightful plot everytime. It was too many times stronger than me, it was courageous and tireless, however, it was not humane.

Sorry for burning your hands, my dear
Sorry for all hurts I gave

Be attentive about the genesis of your inner impromptu and inspiration, my dear poet brethren...
Jun 2018 · 438
Puerile
Willow shade Jun 2018
I close my sleepless eyes
Hearing your soothing voice,
There is something deep in it
More than any composure
and more than any rejoice.
I feel as centuries passed
after our first meeting,
Which life am I living in?
Second or even further?
Which do I begin anew?
I am like the graveyard
of nascent identities,
None of them could have survived
till the day I fell in you.
The world becomes very small
When you learn to fly high
Winds carry jubilances
and begin to work for you
even when you do not try.
Though I feel suicidal,
fighting with knotty senses,
I don't want to leave you as,
it dears to live even
for nice coincidences.
You can find me childish
When I try to hold on
and look for security,
A poet is always a child
even in maturity.
Jun 2018 · 367
Wish
Willow shade Jun 2018
When I go to the devil,
when I am completely down
then I sorely fathom that
all hands of hope have withdrawn.

And the time will not come back...
Leaving a bitter solace...
As huge as the burning sun
which I try to embrace

Wish you could extinguish
my hell which I desire.
I miss you like Satan pines
for the eternal fire.

You see lurid reflections
in my poems as an art.
You can read me from my hands,
wish you could do from my heart...
Jun 2018 · 325
Hysteria
Willow shade Jun 2018
With every cigarette
In every smoke
I sacrifice a day of my lifetime
by laughter and inertia...
I feel the hurt in my stomach
and the toxication in my blood
which help my nerves be kept awake
and this awareness
takes me to hysterias...
At any grief and frustration
with my heart towards none, I keep going on
Why just to suddenly vanish or pass away, tell me?
Instead
At every moment
I will get revenge and laugh at the bottomless void
that it echoed through the universe
and reached the stuffed ears of the cavalier god...
As I fight with him,
In return, he is joking with me,
Trying even sometimes to ingenuously ease me:
'Maybe to love the creator
because of his creature?!'
Oh, my Nothingness!
Yet he believes
that he is the only one
who can create and is worthy of being loved.
His jealousy leads me to cachinnation,
In addition,
I get into the storm of contemplation
and I reply to him:
'Yes, deserve I and my beloved
to be loved,
deserve we to be begrudged!
But you deserve your hell which you have created
Where you console your own despair, god!
The funny farm covered with rancorous flames
and suffocating mist,
I know you well, even better than yourself!
You are the supreme sufferer,
You are the first nihilist!'

Do I have to apologize?
As I despise your creator
Right in front of you, my dear?!
I cannot just bear
his apparent plight
before the power of a mightier notion
Sorry for my intense emotion
I am really sorry for being right...
Now I am at the peak of might
You can confidently hold on me
and come together
whenever you want.
Let's create the template of sereneness,
Let me give a feast for my deepest bliss,
My bliss - that you exist!
I will propose
a toast by the grace of you
and inscribe on my retinas
the beautiful face of you
to get the reflections flowing from your elegance...
Let me ennoble you...
I began to love this rampant negligence
As it helps me to fly and smile forever.
Unlike your jealous and vengeful creator,
magnanimous is my Lord - my void!
A piece of pure and deeper happiness I have found
And The Lord generously presented it to me
- even in nothingness yet I have you,
I hold you
on the heights of despair,
in the deepest site of my disordered existence,
even the distances between us
increase my resistance
as it is the distance of yours.
Anyway...
Anyway, I will accept,
Give me even a disaster,
Give me even a pain about you
Mad I am...
By all means,
very deeply mad, insane about you.
May 2018 · 346
A pleasant encounter
Willow shade May 2018
Your smile is the best poem ever,
Your 'hello' -  the deepest spring of mirth.
As you filled my heart with your warm greeting,
Now I can jauntily fly around the Earth.

I feel gratified in my sweet void
Gliding through the sky, no pain or grieving
So, I am sure that I was not wrong,
You have a potent spell, that I am healing

To shadow, to rain and to make a rainbow
I want to be a cloud moving above you
Wherever you go and whatever you do,
You will be mine as long as I love you
May 2018 · 218
The prophetess
Willow shade May 2018
I build my kingdom
with my inner senses
in the precipices of the nothingness
and I live by the grace of nullity here
full of enthusiasm,
where the terms are severe...
In the end, I am looking down
bowing my head,
Instead of looking up,
looking for any god or any quintessence
You see?
There are peoples and poor humanity
I hear their praises and prayers for gravity,
As it causes them to forget vanity...
Now, indifferent I am
about their genesis and immature pains,
Who cares?
Swarm of ants, a flock of sheep,
a herd of cattle, a pack of wolves
or human society...
Look,
down to that brook
where the god is drinking
the mystic waters from the spring of vertigo,
diving to the madness of his fake loneliness.
Yet he believes
that he will become almighty...
I wish he really could...
At least, not to be a liar...
And if he really could...
If he really was supreme and omnipotent,
I wish he would have tried to vanish himself...
And then,
after his fiasco,  
I would undergo
looking how he blushes before the nothingness!
Imagine how he would think about just to hide,
and sufferers would follow him side by side
pointing fingers with abject anger
- the 'almighty' cannot commit a suicide?!

So, forget him,
Leave him chattering there,
my dear,
I would rather deeply look into your bright eyes
or sometimes,
my inside,
to reflect the perfect you.
If you knew
the 'you' I have brought into being...
The most perfect being you are of imperfection,
Especially, when it is added and mixed up with 'I'...
The 'you'  with the new 'I' come into existence
from our coalescence...
That is something higher surpassing the all,
Rising upon the void over and over.
Trying to become a lonely overman,
With you, I've turned into an 'over lover'...
Infinite we are,
When we have faith in magnificent absence.
I praise,
"Oh, my almighty and noble Nothingness!"
And you,
my dear,
You are the one no one has witnessed before -
the long-awaited messenger,
the first prophetess!
May 2018 · 200
Remedy
Willow shade May 2018
Congratulations, nihilist poet!
Last twenty years of your silly life-span.
But I see no anxiety or any regret
And you are satisfied as much as you can.

You were too weary to endure this long
Having an empty soul deprived of love
It led you just to where at heart you belong -
higher than death or life - her spirit above

You loved her more than life, in perpetuity,
You believed her laughter more than verses.
The God was manifested in her beauty
Much more distinctly than divine sources

You will not better by writing, poet!
Hear your inner voice you try to deter.
You know your remedy and where to get,
Defeat your all fears and run to her!
May 2018 · 337
You are my home
Willow shade May 2018
Hadn't I said that we would abruptly meet?
It was the gift of the cravings I got before.
I felt that life was just only a moment
When I embraced you with my eyes afar.

I got how insanely I yearned for you
As I madly began to shiver so hard.
Even yet I can feel that excitement
Which makes my feelings and mind drift apart

With the eristic lacks which I always had
I could not be consoled, it's my nature.
Before you helped me retrieve my peaceful shelter,
I had been wandering as a homeless creature.

Home is not a place like a cot or as a nest,
Home is where you feel yourself during the day
And you have become my restful, cheerful home
Where you're rarely seen as a houseguest

Just lend an ear to my lovesick missing,
It is inviting you heartily and gently.
I am hospitable, you also feel at home,
Please, pay a visit very frequently.
Apr 2018 · 193
You and your creator
Willow shade Apr 2018
Wish I could completely fix myself,
forget any detail and memories of you
and the God appeared beyond his chair of lies
Grinning - 'my dear creature, so deeply I love you...'
Yet too much naive I am, trying to believe
that both of you are not definitely similar - you and your creator...
You always remind me your each other...
The old plot planner with Eva's satisfaction,
A little confidence for a predicted ****
And the only idiot - grieving Adam...
You wouldn't believe that it could last so long
Where the dimensions exceed faults and cover all the wrong
When generosity sacrifices his own
But I feel just only being evaded
and being expelled from the paradises of yours...
And so, I fall inside every day deeper
Right into the bottomless darkness which I feel
Where I believe I will find my lost faith
And you will present it to me with your grace.
You and your creator,
You could let me become at least someone else.
I want to get myself inside of you
Wish to gain what I lost just from the start
Not your part, not your dream, not only your laughs
Get your all, like the rib I lack inside.
You and your creator...
The masters of setting hell and heaven within
The founders of meaning without explanation
Concealed, darkened and unattainable...
It is true, we are the things that we inwardly believe
And I am turning to you, time to time, day by day
You would ask in the end:
'Look, what you have become!
What do you want and who the hell really you are?!'
My answer would be silence - the gloomy reflection of 'nobody and nothing'.
You are not too sure or satisfied, are you?!
You both will understand and will get my pain
When you mean just nothing for the precious one
who deeply carries weigh and means all for you...
Apr 2018 · 180
The poet (manifest)
Willow shade Apr 2018
Me - the poet,
Made up of griefs and frustration,
Stretched between skies and the darkest bottoms.
A withered winded tree
full of blossoms

Me - the poet,
Beyond all realities with deep *******,
Upon all good and bad perceived by the mass.
Poems - my dead dreams
I carry in my arms

Me - the poet,
Have no age or link with any generation
The frantic solitude will always light me
And I will proudly stand
For the solitaries like me

Me - the poet,
The lost words of God, the miserable admission
I have seen the hell and of the heaven I am tired
This is my scourge
- to be deeply inspired

Me - the poet,
Fallen apart losing my all cognition
Trying to fix myself among the pieces of mine
holding on non-compliance
where I've found my shrine

Me - the poet,
Now have found my essence in empty repetition,
welcome my joyful and recuperative faith
- all will find themselves
In the embrace of death!

We - the poets!
We must endure and stand just only for ourselves!
We will destroy all 'holy' principles they serve!
You can beat them with the endless love in your heart!
I will not let you just unfairly fall apart
and we will be paid the price we actually deserve!
I feel your burning heart and feel how you grin,
now,
are you satisfied, my dear poet brethren?!
Apr 2018 · 212
Delirium
Willow shade Apr 2018
As you restricted the flood of senses in my soul
and slammed the last window
where the light entered my world,
I became the slave of my rampageous rage,
tasting a bit chagrin and a bit revenge.
Could you feel my silent bleeding
in this ****** and blackened silence?
Which was violently leading me
to non-compliance?
You slipped away from my dismal and absurd destiny at once
as the brightest and sibylline star.
I wish you were something else,
either a compelling dream or a lucky talisman
however what to do so far,
the most dangerous you are -
a femme fatale - benevolent, nice woman...
You sparkled in the mass
like gold is distinguished from all other elements.
You can run away,
but anyway your spirit complements
my dark futilities forever.
Even from afar I can feel your laughter,
like an instant thunderstorm lightning upon my head
and leading me to the madness
with the conversations inside my brain:
'- Believe me...
- Leave me...
- Trust me...
Get me...
Please...
- Forget me...
- Keep me...
Keep me...
Keep me!
- You hurt me!
- Forgive me...
Just roughly try me!
Yet you are my essence which cannot be evaded
neither by you nor by me...'
I remember everything even with my awful memory...
It was autumn,
Leaves were falling like my last esperances,
but then and in that small room
blossomed the trees of life with your laughter
shattering all the gloom and after,
the whole ruins of my existence
were covered with colorful flowers
and turned into a scenic place...
I will water that meadow
which you brought to me as an early spring
and I will keep it evergreen.
Now you are in my pale palms,
like my broken, foolish fate
as near as you have never been.
I see the clouds and storms approaching,
The fiction of destiny is completely plain
My sketchy anger and self-destruction  
are crying and calling again,
I am falling again
and I have to cling to!
Have to cling!
Have to!
Keep me...
Keep me...
Keep me...
You are in my pale palms,
You are in my palms,
So, nothing can hurt me,
Nothing can hurt me!
Nothing!
Willow shade Apr 2018
My mind was darkly resisting in despair,
Do not deem that I had been simply ingrate.
It was because your loss was always very near
And you were too generous even when you left.

You left for me here some memories of you,
A fabulous impromptu to feel you all the time.
Bestowed the crucial drive of being myself
And left inside - deepest - a bit meaning of life...

You are the lovely girl of a joyful family,
The love surrounded you let you be merciful,
But I had been on the battle side of this life
Fighting hard before all became remorseful

I sacrificed with my own hands the last solution,
You know, when you are hurt, I do not bare
Yet I am distracted by your delusion
And the peace of mind I can't find anywhere
Mar 2018 · 203
My surprise
Willow shade Mar 2018
You are a real woman
who only in tales found,
deserving the happiness,
and you are still alone.
So, this makes me feel proud.

It stands for that - except me,
no one has eyes keen enough,
either feelings profound
to perceive your inner light,
to love unique beauty.

I instantly fell in you
in the first moment we met.
Sometimes I am confused,
how many sillies there are
around haven't seen you yet.
Mar 2018 · 178
A tough return
Willow shade Mar 2018
I tried a lot to keep my ego
not to destroy,
But I couldn't restrict it that it did not grow...
Because I feel everything ten times deeper,
ten times harder always, as you know...
You wanted my heart as a colorful and light toy
that greatly pleased and illuminated you
You could play with it as much as you wanted,
however, as you carelessly juggled and stirred,
Sometimes it crashed to the floor,
shattered into pieces
and cut your soft hands,
it made me hurt
and yet I am confused:
what a thing you really were
that happened to me!
You wanted to see me while I was rising,
Because you maybe wanted to feel only proud
You wanted to be loved by a genius,
whereas, yet I am myself - a regretful nihilist,
tired of purposes, targets and all...
And for me, it is much harder
to completely break up,
as I do not fool myself that you were ideal
and you were very gentle with my love which was too excessive.
I understood that you were not a durable state,
You know, I am like at home when the aura is depressive
and I have to accept this ******* hard reality
that I will always be alone
at my gloomy 'home'
without you...
It has no door,
It has no windows,
No place to sit,
Neither soft chairs,
Nor soft pillows...
And master says that;
when a suffering friend wants a place
to lean back in comfort,
Direct him to that, but
show a maximum effort
to be sure if the 'bed' is tough enough!
I came back my 'home' and came back to my place,
My 'bed' is ready
for the next phase of a craze.
Tough it is! Tough enough!
Too tough even for friendship!
With deep respect to Friedrich Nietzsche...
Mar 2018 · 189
Poetic injustice
Willow shade Mar 2018
What's the matter even if your hair turns grey,
or unjust wrinkles appear on your nice face?
No matter if your eyes crease and get blur,
just let your laughter and elegance remain the same

You presented the sun to me in your soft palms,
I saw how you tried to carry it despite its heat.
Your eyes became the holy book of my deeds,
now I try to fill its pages only with your bliss.

Keep me confidently, let me be used to bright life
and keep me in your smiles as long as you can.
Let us make the hardest out of sheer spite,
Let me fly, as future is blurry and the past is dark.

My death is a nonsense hereafter for me,
Even if it reaches now, will not hurt me at all
However how dishonest and envious the god must be
To conceal life in you but create you mortal?!
Mar 2018 · 203
The killer of nihilists
Willow shade Mar 2018
In the middle of blurry senses
within indefinite tenses,
You can find me
thriving beneath your glow.
Sometimes
your shine will blind me.
In return,
sincerely holding your hand
and following your vivacious voice
that I am aching for,
I will take you to places
you haven't ever been
even once before.
As a sightless poet,
flying through all hinders
I will lead you to heaven,
a journey of senses,
lands of eternity in endless art,
I will cover you with my heart
from any dangers to protect
and I will make you the perfect,
the precious woman
of nihilistic poetry!
Becoming aware
of the magnificent healer
In suspense and in a stew
all poets will ask:
Who is that persona - the nihilist-killer?!
Feb 2018 · 219
Promise of revenge
Willow shade Feb 2018
The vengeance is on its way,
With a new pack
of the nonsenses of fate...
The caprices of jealous god
cannot hurt me anymore!
They just only trigger
my anger circulating.
I will make that 'powerful'
and 'fair' creator
curse his 'impeccable' feat.
You just only take my hand
and
look into my jaded eyes,
In all your sincerity
smile and laugh again please,
I'll overcome this raw deal
one more time.
I promise...
Feb 2018 · 283
Boyukshor* triangle
Willow shade Feb 2018
You can feel my wistful and grateful looks
Following your silhouette along Boyukshor
In one of the dreamy days, we'll abruptly meet there
Very deeply I believe and I am sure.

Ah, my lake, I see you through her shiny eyes...
She loves you and I love both of you in turn.
I feel I was a bit late to love the life,
In revenge, my feelings it'll wittingly burn.
  
The last joys are shining out in a glow,
Is there a chance of constant unity?
Just virtuous Boyukshor always stands by
At least for calling up dreams of you and me

Having three lines and points of feelings,
I tried to match them from any angle.
Among me, Boyukshor and your existence,
I could not create a triangle.

Either me - standing lonely on its shore,
Or just you - wandering along by your own
And Boyukshor can't see us together just yet
One of us incessantly has to feel alone...
*Boyukshor - A lake on Absheron Peninsula
Feb 2018 · 252
The lady in red
Willow shade Feb 2018
The lady in red,
brightly sparkling,
Sharing her warmth
but not flaming

Gave a laughing pose
and left quickly.
A pleasant rose,
also prickly.

Better just to look
to be admired.
Will keep you away
in a distance wired.

Rules are very odd,
sometimes very strict.
She is a flower
meant not to be picked.
Feb 2018 · 235
Weird lifeline
Willow shade Feb 2018
I consecrate all guilt and prohibitions
which make me live and only life is sacred.
All letters of my poems are crying to reveal,
but in my despair is kept my secret.

And this secret is uncovered day by day,
You have even body and eyes, now I detect...
I feel your moving lips as my name flows down,
with your whole existence, you are more perfect!

Thus, I daily commit a suicide to live,
I will keep living for the sufferers like me.
When you lend your hand to me I feel as an army
And your all amities deeply delight me.

I am losing my mind because of longing
It brings the next phase of delirium.
I am being captured in a weird time zone
Even days are passing as a millennium.
Feb 2018 · 247
Bitter sweets
Willow shade Feb 2018
Do you remember that day
when I gave you a candy
made of deep senses of mine?
You were glad like a child
and I also felt blessed.

Then I came with sweeties
with strong cognac inside,
you felt dizzy for a while,
then suddenly brushed aside.
Thus, I was deeply distressed.

You said - 'no more sweeties!
I have no heart to digest.
They are too bitter for me
and are full of poisons
so, my feelings they ******'.

They were in fact medicines
prepared from the pains.
Needed to add them your love,
but you gave them back to me
just for their bitter taste.
Jan 2018 · 371
Missing in any meaning
Willow shade Jan 2018
Resisting the pressures of past,
the most arduous duty I pursue,
I am sorry for missing myself
and sorry for missing you
in this rugged struggle.
And yet it is not too late
to deeply smile upon today.
So, I have a firm belief,
you'll remember all the past
in peace and sereneness,
time will wash all pains away
and defuse all seriousness.
You'll let me joke, you will see...
And I will feel free with you.
Then pensively I will ask:
'maybe for God to miss you?'
With different beliefs we carry
We both will laugh at this view.
However, with inner confession
only I will have perceived
the severity of my question.
You will just be angry
at my 'frivolous' way
But for me hereafter
the life is not anyway
as strict as a humour.
Strict it's my poetry - my poet me
- my solace neglected by you...
You are always very near,
as unwritten letters of mine,
as untold feelings flying through.
But I can type nothing to you
You are so cruel that
have broken my fingers also...
Just be a bit generous,
at least tell me any way
how without you to overcome
missing - in any meaning -
craving and hard losses?!
Jan 2018 · 250
Hymn of invincibility
Willow shade Jan 2018
Today I visited the place we had met,
Once more I became very near you...
With my whole I was dreaming;
maybe to see you there,
or maybe to hear you...
I stepped on the ground you had walked through
and felt the places you had touched
possibly just before me.
All memories of dreamy past
clearly revived for me.
I touched the walls which imbibed your existence,
heard your healing voice and I can still hear it...
Then I rose in the elevator you had risen,
where had been left the particles of your spirit,
again the same feelings of contentment encompassed me,
even your atoms I felt all around.
They joined me and one more time I felt whole.
So, very insanely I had missed you so long...
Reminiscence of your laughter linked
the estranged parts of my brain,
in my heart began to play the divine hymn
As I was all ears, links became very clear and strong,
Your voice was like a violin accompanied by an electric guitar...
Flowing through my brain cells,
sick solos tortured all my neurons -
Bliss in tormenting despair...
I felt how my blood rushed through my veins,
how my eyes became blur and dark,
As elevator rose,
there was a feeling inside that
it was me raising it instead.
My hands became ready to embrace the life,
My fingers were ready to scratch its harsh face!
To carve your name on it!
You know, it is now very easy for me
As, once, before I have done it!
Suddenly in the background there began to play healing piano,
Of the splendid chaotic profound medley,
there was composed the melody of harmonic ascension
and I began to laugh in joyful pain.
You had always seen me when I wept without tears,
At that time I wished - when I laughed in tears you heard me.
Yes! Invincible I am becoming!
After your laughter and torments,
nothing can hurt me!
As long as to you I cling
and as long as you I adore,
Nothing can turn me from my path
or let me down anymore!
Jan 2018 · 190
Rise in chains
Willow shade Jan 2018
I feel how forlorn I am
As at every turn you remind my chains
Which I never neglected,
Which I can never break

I feel their traces
always in my blocked arms,
in my wrapped broken wings.
The only difference is,
they don't hurt me anymore
and not heavy to carry...

I take them everywhere
and ****** when I feel empty.
It makes me overpower
the dreams of free vanity.

They kindly remind me
for what I was awarded them...
If you knew how hard it is
knowingly where the key is,
when fools point me saying:
'Look, he is flying in chains'
Jan 2018 · 431
Saudade *
Willow shade Jan 2018
Let's hurt deeply each other,
then,
bind up wounds
we received
to become strong together.
Tell me
that you had been late,
So, let me oppose the fate.
...You do hate
and then disappoint me.
I am already ready
to build up a fortress
made up of the masses of stress...
I don't intend to be clever
as I am myself
more than ever.
You are my part - the missed element,
outside me
which complement
my personal deficiencies.
*Saudade -  a deep emotional state of melancholic feeling of incompleteness caused by being deprived of the presence of someone or something
Jan 2018 · 287
Soldier of fortune
Willow shade Jan 2018
What an appalling yearning it is...
I feel as my spirit will tear apart my presence
to fly where at the moment it would have to be,
breaking all the chains of reality
My life is addicted to you
What a hard conflict...
What a tough task...
Like a  patient in a deathbed
I need a 'lifeogen' mask.
I had to be moving to you at the moment,
After a while, I had to be sitting waiting for peace
And you had to be coming in
With your warm greetings...

Now, life is beginning there,
Vitality is filling empty spheres
with your blissful voice and laughter
But none of those existing dumbs
can feel it
Someone is sitting face to face with you
Where once I was sitting
Haven't you still felt the difference?!
Haven't you still found out the case?!
Anyone can take my seat,
But no one can take my place...

Can I forgive myself for my selfishness?!
I am sometimes very egoist and ingrate!
You are laughing, you are happy now
and you feel great,
that is the main point.
I scold myself and evade all of my cravings
You know me - I am the soldier of fortune...
Keep your shining and just only laugh, please...
Jan 2018 · 277
My worthwhile universe
Willow shade Jan 2018
It was the third day of my madness caused by your doom
And my inner poet was lying with glooms
trying to perish
But your force was so strong and refreshing,
I felt his endless will to rise again and live
I was afraid to look his eyes even a moment
I had deprived him of worth, had left him to die
I was afraid hereafter of his conviction
I knew he was stronger because he had you...
But what I had my own, except my paltriness?!
What I did to save you
when you relentlessly put an end to yourself inside me?!
He said that he lived more vividly and worthily
And he deserved to live even more than me...
He asked what I had achieved more than ten years?
I shut up only, like before you had also made me
You had called all that I felt only complaints
But in fact, I had perceived you had also been afraid
To face the damages which you had caused to me...

Yes, my dear friend, I often have heavy damages
I was always traumatized in dimensional clashes
As I betray my eigen* and leave myself alone,
I begin to acknowledge my all emptiness
You can just exist in vain with your mind and logic
But you can truly live only by accepting your feelings valuable...

I got my strength with fire in my heart,
I was watching my growing power,
Which was circulating  along my freezing veins
I hugged my innocent, suffering poet,
I promised to create - my own highest values,
My predecessors, my sufferer poet and me
would live hereafter disregarding yours!
But yet it was not fair, yet it was not worthwhile,
I had to cling to my dimensions much more deeply
I was full of energy and had everything to fight,
There appeared a dream to share my horizons I would gain thereafter...
But I lacked you... Who deserved to see it most than others...
As the one who was able to do the impossible
which no one had been able to do before...
You had to see my intentional life you had presented...

I wandered among the graves in my "graveheart",
Resurrected my all soulmates lying in chaos,
Who we shared our sacred dimensions of solitude
Who were craving to be felt and to be understood
Nietzche, Schopenhauer, Cioran lead them of course...
I brought them to life with the laughter you had taught me,
We marched side by side to the source of vitality,
We saluted Martin Eden
and vowed to avenge his suicidal also!

We movingly reached the end of my heart,
where your awesome grave was lying
I kept your cold remedial hands,
As I smiled, in return you smiled warmer than me,
You know, I can never smile or laugh as deep as you do,
I faithfully said that I wanted to live,
I promised one day I would laugh even more deeply than you do.
I understood you had wanted me just to be strong,
However, you hadn't been able to understand me again once more...
As women represent themselves as a tool to strong ones,
contrary they represent themselves as a present to the weak
That is why I was brawling and trying to withstand,
Could I accept you as another worthless thing rather than a present?!

I embraced you and internalized your
spirit,
All my soulmates exulted in it...
I and my pale poet set my new universe,
In company with the souls of our dimensions,
we raised you...
We raised you above all of the tortures and fears,
We raised you above all of the dimensions.
We raised you above all of the meanings,
We sacrificed the meaning of life for you
and I made you the center of my universe
You began to shine like the sun in my life,
Then all separated values and meanings
began in harmony to whirl around you
Around the sun of my worthwhile universe...
*Eigen - inner self, ownself
Dec 2017 · 247
Renaissance in blood
Willow shade Dec 2017
Evade me hereafter, evade me with your fears,
Neglect me how much you want.
I deserved you, it is the fact,
But you could not deserve me.
What else I have to tell you?
Maybe some disdaining oath?!
Even my oath could exalt you,
But you've chosen being surpassed

You killed yourself, in the end
And buried the meaning of life...
Put a new grave near the older ones
Which are lying under my feet...
How you knew that I loved graveyards?!
Where all shut up and forget power,
Where all purposes turn to baubles
And all values become children toys...

If even saviors behave like you do -
Regardlessly leaving crusaders in the lurch,
I will break the wings of all angels
That they couldn't reach any sufferer!
After a while, a new grave will emerge,
The deepest one for this strayed poet.
How great it is to hear his last screams
I deserve a higher poetry indeed!

I step on my heart and feel no pain
As I tread, it releases fears like a flood...
The result is a new-born heartless overman
A renaissance in violence, a renaissance in blood...
Dec 2017 · 371
Candid belief of an ascetic
Willow shade Dec 2017
In any case, with pains, I'll rise again
No one can soar downwards
I will handle curb of life
But I wish you were near me then,
Not beneath like a surpassed one

We can soar together, believe me
If you restore your reliance
Maybe not merely eye-to-eye
Maybe not merely hand in hand
It can be spirit to spirit
And can also be trust in trust

I want you to be soared with me
With your thoughts and deep choices
To higher than me like a wren *
I want you not like a talisman
I want you alive and like The Genius *  

It is possible where poets come from
And where philosophers inhabit
Where high humane dimensions lie
Dimensions of fathomless friendship

We can soar together, believe me
If you restore your reliance
Maybe not merely eye-to-eye
Maybe not merely hand in hand
It can be spirit to spirit
And can also be trust in trust
* In one of Aesop’s fables, there was a competition among the birds as to who could fly the highest, the winner would be declared the king of the birds. The Eagle looked to be winning but then the Wren held on to the Eagles back, so when the Eagle started to tire the Wren was able to fly to victory.

* In Roman religion, the Genius is the individual instance of a general divine nature that is present in every individual person. She is much like a guardian angel and also accepted as a god who is born and dies with each one of us.
Willow shade Dec 2017
How jealous I am of your photo you have uploaded...
How I want to remove that nobody saw it
I want your life-giving laugh belonged only to me
As if others see, it will shorten my lifetime

You know how to make me sick, you have a talent
You have detected my endless ability to lament
Maybe you know the way of driving sufferers mad
But you are not aware of being loved with hatred

Yes! I deserve you! Now I begin to fight!
I cannot be with you, but I live you within myself,
Although one day your prince charming 'troll'
Will tell the rotten lie that loves you most of all...

He will have to take me into account also
Of course, if he is able to solve 1/0...
You are inside me, living but not existing,
You belong to me even mathematically...

You belong to me much more than everyone
As step by step, I approach your absence
As much as we live and survive in this life
In fated infinity, you will always be being mine

It will always approach only infinity
But it will never be able to be zero
And I am happy that there is no other way
In any case, I can't go back old futility
Willow shade Dec 2017
You broke my wings as I had anticipated
However, I kept flying as I had said
The case is not the hurt in my wings I feel
It is - you even felt no difference of the result

You did not consider how far I could have flown
How high I could have soared if you let me keep on
It didn't even matter to you anything, maybe
You are right, who needs a strayed poet or poetry?!

It hurts to accept sometimes a scornful truth that
Poets are weird and also clay-brained
Meanwhile, they can set a universe from a chaos,
But they can do it only when they are regarded

Who cares my suffers and fluctuations?!
Who cares even if myself cared about you?
I tried to **** the regret in your eyes I had given
But I see that regret has turned into humiliation

All poets are drifters, all have to be killed
And the one inside me worth dying the most
I give his death warrant to you to be fulfilled
I'd be glad if it changed the expression in your eyes
Willow shade Dec 2017
I fly in the endless sky,
You have an aquatic life
You resemble a colorful fish
You cannot be taken out,
I can't live under water

You are not for cuddling,
But my hands try to catch
I want to show you horizons,
Making you be out of breath
So, you have to slip away

I approve odd theories,
Nature is also on my side
I wish I saw you one day
Soaring along the waters
Like rare flying fish

My willingly chosen life
Turns all dreams into facts
But the day I forget you,
Logically is undefined
Like division by zero
Dec 2017 · 330
My faith - to crave you
Willow shade Dec 2017
Have you ever thought,
At least even once,
During the time spent with you
What is happening to me?
Have you ever just tried to
pierce into my spirit,
Into my inner chaos
Regulated by your harmony?
It is a time travel
In the first seat of a train
Taking me - to you only
- Last destination for all worries,
gladly to leave them behind...
It takes me to vivid days -
my Mondays and my Thursdays
Which keep me hanging on
In the embraces of solaces
The solaces of next Monday,
And afterward next Thursday.
Sometimes life is bounteous -
There are special holidays
feasted maybe only by me -
My spectacular Saturdays...

And now time is hastily
approaching the end,
I live last dear Mondays
and happy Thursdays of mine
More deeply,
More tormented.
You leave me with paradoxes,
I learn a new hard lesson -  
That happiness also tortures...
Day by day you are getting brighter
and heavenly sparkling
dazzling my eyes till to blindness
To turn my world into darkness
suddenly,
Into the world lacking days with you
The world where time will mean nothing,
Except half-blessed existence...
Shortly after,
No more new Mondays and no more new Thursdays,
No more genial weeks or months
Also all of my ups and downs
Will turn into deeps and tops...
I develop a newer faith
- my routine indifference
I can see the future,
Which was despised by the past
I enshrine Saturdays,
To live their next ones,
To make future sacred
by keeping my prayers
Which mean deeply craving you,
Which lead me to be purified
Willow shade Dec 2017
Turning from reality into a dream,
You will be silently dying inside.
I do not have the heart to hurt you ever,
You will commit there your own suicide.

Notwithstanding the pains you continually gave,
I tried to save you, I tried to keep
If you'd been a bit more free and savvy,
We would have developed at least friendship...

There will be a funeral lingering for years,
But 'the meaning of life' won't oppress again
And past was ruined by wrath and angers
So, there is nothing left behind to regain.

You care about future ignoring the now,
You believe time buries all bad theories
Past is more permanent than future, somehow
As one day future will be past in memories

We can still build a nice memory of past
Which we can carry to future to hold on to,
Even if you withhold everything from me,
I'll cling to my blazing, fervent impromptu
Willow shade Dec 2017
You know how great it is to make you joyful?
And to touch the highest peak of mountain,
To gain years from life which worth living,
Without any quarrel or not fighting

You know how great it is to be courageous?
To admit everything that makes you afraid
To be surrounded by poems and pages,
Outfacing the life which of nonsense was made

You know how great it is to forget the death?
To neglect everything making you kneel
Once you were angry at what it was called,
But love would be a bauble as against what I feel

You know how great it is to surpass yourself?
To rise again before the absurdity of life
To feel heaven and hell even to their grains,
To embrace your own god and innermost drive
However...
... You don't know how hard it is to be aborted
When you're stumbling at the top of a console
When you're numb and your vision's distorted,
You're about to fall, losing hardly gained control

You don't know how hard it is when everything hurts,
When all silly meanings and happenings torture
When you are betrayed by the 'forgiver god',
However, you speak about something called 'virtue'

You don't know how hard it is to be all alone
Like one day you will lie in your freezing grave,
Knowing that a happy life is impossible,
Just trying to be only powerful and brave

You don't know how hard it is to be recondite,
Every time to face the clash of dimensions
Meanwhile, “to walk in your shoes” to be fair
And be surrounded by myself in various versions
Willow shade Dec 2017
Sometimes you tried to be punitive
And I felt your inner worries to save,
I perceived your deep anxious initiative,
As every time you suggested a new colder grave...
To be protected from your frigid attitude
I used my profound senses to flame,
I tried to heat with the warmth of solitude
And with your such approach, you could only lame...
You had a right decision with erroneous cures
That's why nothing's changed and all are the same
Namely, punishment cannot better,
The one thing it can do - it is just to tame

It's like trying to persuade or hit a hedgehog
Like other furry ones you usually treat
In any case, your clement hands are injured
And if you're hurt, you know, I am also hurt.
Because you are my contentment and serenity,
You are the peace of my disordered mind
All my instincts would have taken me to you
Even though my heart was completely dull
Even if my eyes were absolutely blind,
Even though my legs were reluctant to go
And in spite of all adversities I would undergo.
You console my misery with your existence
You create new values inside my heart,
You make all futilities gone away at once
You are my savior angel I can't take apart...

Anyway,
One day,
I will have to leave,
Maybe anything will link neither me nor you.
But now I have a solace - the thing I always hated,
And hereafter I love it just only for you
How I cannot love this solace, tell me,
If it cuddles me and embraces all time?!
We live in the same world, in the same country,
Even in the same city, even just in a distance of half an hour...
So, regardless that even I will never be able to reach,
It lets me fly forever between me and you
You have to be glad and respect what you have created,
But conversely, for this, I am happier than you.
If you have built a fire in someone,
You must not either burn your hands or you mustn't blow it out,
Understand that you can also warm yourself
Yes, if it is a fire, sometimes it will try to flame,
It is a fire, to burn is its character and you cannot blame,
You can calm it only with your generosity,
With your deep understanding,
Letting it scorch in your drizzling looks
With the reflection of happiness in your eyes
And then I would be serene, I would feel no pain,
But I think you would use your hands again
You would use them very well for shaking your fingers at me
Oh, your remedial hands and fingers...
I wish you used them to correct vital mistakes,
As you did always in my writings,
I wish you used them instead of your feelings or thoughts
I wish you used them only for protection and caressing
I wish you mothered all my fears and miseries
As you have that potential inside
And I had seen, had experienced it before
So, I would not want anything more...

But you are again moving on the wrong path,
It silently takes you to a wrong destination
You are trying to save again with wrong ways
You try to find all differences to help,
And I feel your worry when we are similar
I do not explore similarities between us,
Understand, you are for me just who you are!
Nov 2017 · 346
Contemplation
Willow shade Nov 2017
I began to rest in the shade of grey,
The colors of life are constantly blur...
If you asked, 'how are you dying today?'
I would say 'like I have never lived before'

Shallow ones need restrictions to live
A deep one lives restrictions to survive
Whenever, wherever I planted feelings,
Only deep amity, concord would thrive

You wanted opposite, I do not blame,
You can't fly if you were born for crawling...
You don't hear melody, but deem dancers mad,
Just for this dissonance, I was brawling?!

I've faced up to all devastations from you
And I will lose nothing even if you disdain
I have own dimensions of perception -
'The higher you soar the smaller you are seen'

How long will this continue? Forever?!
But I wish you would change and be gracious,
I admit, I also had heedless mistakes,
Anyway, I try to keep you precious

That was the difference just between us,
I tried to exalt, but you disgraced.
You could still be admired by a mad poet
But you chose to be loved by a dishonest...
With deep respect to Friedrich Nietzsche
Nov 2017 · 254
Sorry
Willow shade Nov 2017
What should I do?!
Help me,
I am bewildered,
As all normal things are becoming weird.
What is real?
Your fear or my hurt?
Let's in a while change our 'chairs',
I suggest you leave your traditional chains.
Which are forgivable?
My lies or my real pains?!

And you make me lie, knowingly I hate it
'Cause you carry inside your worry
You try to make me put off my coat
Like in the story,
As the wind tries with violence.
Which is more valuable?
My excuses or your silence?!

I lied, but I am on the same way,
With my inner wrath to slavery
With full of force going ahead.
Which do you want to choose?
Your anger or mine instead?!

It is really hard
To lose the light I found with you,
And it is very perishing for me
To fight with you
I wish you were much more deeper,
At least as an insane poet.
Still, I struggle with him inside,
And he resists saying 'do it!'
I see his anger to my lies and cowardice,
I see his anger to all existing realities...

Now I try to pierce into your deepness...
I have seen both reflections of tears in your eyes
Tears of thankfulness and regretting.
With the first one, I began to live,
With the second one, I blundered and dag my own grave.
Resist only one of them, make a human choice in your cot,
Decide, what was better for me?
And for you from me getting?!
The real ones which were yours or the fictions were not?!
Did you burn my inner feelings I gave to you?
Did you ignite them because they were not yours?!
I wish you had burned them courageously before,
When you deemed that they really were yours!
....And the reality is,
They had always been!
I just lied to make you sure and that you were not afraid
And I tried to hurt myself rather than you,
With my lies and with your untrustworthy attitude.
But my those feelings will remain gallant and nothing can change,
You have only ashes of them you deserve,
And it is something like my revenge.

You made me be stingy,
You broke my hands with full of merit and joys
Maybe it was like you were getting first-time toys?!
I am not a playground, sorry,
I only intended to rejoice
The precious one who made me feel deepest...

And all my presents are now spread around,
You can get them when you will only be courageous,
However, I cannot give them anymore.
And I will keep my apathy again as I had kept for ages.
Was it too hard for you to be respected?!
Maybe you were not too mature to hold them
And you had more shaky hands than I expected?!

What the hell would happen, tell me please,
If you were generous and brave forever?!
If you were not afraid like for the first time?!
We could hold it together with you,
We could hold it without any fault or crime,
We could hold it regardless of nonbelievers,
We could call it even something trustful and new,
Like the feelings inside of sisters and brothers...

You said that we give the meaning to anything,
So, I named all the things sacred related to you,
That's why I did not keep them secret,
And never hesitated to tell,
But you came around with your cold anger
And I saw you even call sacred - the hell
And you tried to persuade me to it also.
Thank you, I have my own hell inside
Which never can be accepted as holy
But I would never want to show it to you,
I would never want to make you down, of course,
I have my own god who shares only intrepidity and mirth
And my god is not cruel as yours!
You justify and forgive the fault of your god,
Who created the satan and committed the worst crime,
But you are ready to judge and even denounce me -
A straggler drowning in the depths -
Like the most dishonest one
For my unwilling and unruly misbehavior.
I perceive the truth,
That you can never understand me
And never can be on my side...
I stand beyond good and evil,
But you can embrace only simple contents.
You are not mature for virtue of not embarrassing someone,
You own only habits,
One example - just to ignore peculiarity.
We will be only on our own ways hereafter,
And all that we had lived we will brush aside,
Maybe it is not even your own fault,
Just we are like to our gods inside.
With your tyrannic and frightening creator,
Go ahead, don't stop and go forward!
But I say - I hate him!
And I always will hate!
Because he made us be shallow and coward!
He taught you to fear of something you really feel
And to run out from what you cannot understand.
He taught you to be superficial,
Fearing that one day you may surpass him,
He was afraid of the questions one day you may ask him.
He forbade deeper ones, precious ones.
He taught you only one name of feelings or thoughts,
But various ones to myself I have taught...
So he hates and he is afraid of variety of my senses as you do
Senses in fact which are pure and contain no unforgivable fault.
To what extent even my senses excel,
I trust myself and I will always tell!
So happy I would be if we could interact,
So sorry, you did not trust and were afraid in fact...
Though, I had told you - trust me till the end!
So sorry, I made you hurt sometimes,
Forgive me, please, forgive me,
Now I know that I had no chance,
Now I know that I have no chance
Because the path on which once I felt grace
Now is full of mistrust and suffers.
The life I have just existed for years
In a while became a place livable and meaningful
It lost all miseries, pains and tears.
In my world, my every piece greeted it like royal,
However, it was rashly considered betrayal...
Nov 2017 · 253
The meaning of life
Willow shade Nov 2017
If the meaning of life is to give it meaning,
You gave it the best one, thank you in advance
As an aggressive and weary ogre,
I will keep you always in fragile glass

Even though you flutter and leave me someday
I can set you free and from all I can hide
Henceforth it is your homeland - my heart,
And of course, if you wish you can abide

You are the only reason to find some meaning
In my indefinite and nihilistic cage
You are the happiness I can never have
Just this reality ignites my rage

I am not a weak one, I will surpass
Just for your happiness I will be glad
But still, I cannot understand that,
What is that inside you making me mad?!
Nov 2017 · 268
A piece of happiness
Willow shade Nov 2017
I am the one who lightly flies
Feeling the freedom at the end of hopes
And great futility I only gain
However,
No suffer or no pain,
If you even break my wings,
With your curing laughter, I'll fly again
I embraced the deepest frankness
Too generously you were sharing it
It was the best scenery ever can be
You were in your red sweater then
And the red was happier even than me,
That you had been wearing it.
Nov 2017 · 248
Trust
Willow shade Nov 2017
Trust is a dear gift and you hesitate to give,
Will I be able to achieve, I wonder
Be sure, certainly,  you would forgive
If you knew ups and downs I often wander

Sometimes I struggle with my persistence
It tries to restore my faith and beliefs.
Only in what engaged my existence
They're only hungers and only griefs

And the coincidence that gifted me you,
Let me forget boring stuff I'm dealing
Paths are much worthier than the aims I pursue
The paths which take me to the deepest feeling

Something human, too human I feel
Believe me, it is not betrayal or love
Thank to your deep positiveness I heal
Deem it to be admiration of your laugh

Do you remember when you suddenly asked
If I had ever been in depression
It's my lifestyle skilfully masked
That contains my favorite intention

Recklessly I forget passing away,
Misery is ruined when I am with you
But I feel down, as I know, anyway
Suffering till the death I will miss you

— The End —