stuck in an endless loop
*why am i never good enough?
i don't even remember what it's like to feel good anymore
You were working weekdays and I was busy with school, so we made weekends our time.
We were inseparable, you and I. Two sides of the same coin. We would count down the days until Friday just because we could. We’d finally meet after five, horribly boring days and see each other face to face rather than via snapchat filters and goodnight-texts.
We would stay up all night just to get all the time we possibly could with each other. And when we finally would fall asleep it’d be entangled in each other’s arms, because not even sleep could do us apart.
We could drink ourselves silly if we wanted to, dancing in that god-awful apartment of yours that we both still loved and held so dearly.
Then, out of the blue, your feelings faded and the music stopped.
Now I drink wine on Wednesdays, forever left to wonder if you have a new girl in your apartment, doing our things on the weekends.
- how i feel after our breakup -
not with a keyboard or
even an old-fashioned typewriter;
but with a quill
dipped in my blood.
What a lovely shade crimson is,
against rice-white paper.
- every word is written with my blood -
Fragile but never
the clinking sound
of a harsh touch.
The knocks grow louder,
the glass never breaks.
This Glass Girl is
at home in her cage.
- I'm a glass girl: strong as a diamond -
It’s a strange world we live in, I ironically realised - as I was dying.
I’ve lived. I’ve had the fortune of feeling; emotions either caressing my heart or ripping it to shreds; emotions who have either consumed me or left me numb.
And I’ve left my mark on this world. I’ve met so many people; people who I have loved, and have loved me. People I’ve hated, and have hated me back. People I have noticed, but have never noticed me. People who have noticed me, but I have never noticed them. People I’ve known, lived and laughed with. People I’ve fought with, who have left me either breathless with happiness or full of rage.
I was here. I have lived. I have loved - and I have left.
C’est la vie
We've been warned of bad people
ever since we were little.
We've all learned that we shouldn't trust
a creepy man who offers candy if you'll only get into his truck.
But nobody's ever warned us of
The boys with dangerously glittering eyes,
who will pepper you with affection only to
put a bullet in your heart.
Nobody's ever warned us of
The girls wearing mean smirks like armour,
who will laugh at you when you walk by and
make you feel so insecure.
Nobody's ever warned us of
The wounds that were bound to open in our chests,
which won't disappear in an instant
if at all.
Nobody's ever warned us of
- there are some things people will never tell you -
When we got together I quickly learned that
he liked to fix things;
whether it be cars, toys or even people.
But I didn't need fixing.
So he peeled me apart,
petal after petal,
until I was no more than broken glass on the floor.
Then, he started stitching.
Where he had ripped me at the seams he
sewed my wounds together and glued the pieces back
until he was satisfied.
He was done knitting.
What I forgot to mention was
that he'd always grow bored a short while later
so he eventually left me for somebody else
*"who needed fixing."
- he called himself a mechanic but in reality he only destroyed -
I was your shield,
and you were my doom.
My heart you peeled,
until it could no longer bloom.
My face is blank,
void of emotion.
With you I'll be frank,
you've set a snowball in motion.
For a while I've been tumbling;
falling, but never landing.
The skies are grey and rumbling,
enjoy life while you're still standing.
- i'll hit you ten times worse, just you wait -
tell me if
realise that you do
not love me any longer
because i couldn't
live with myself
if you didn't
tell me in
people fall in and out of love every day
I'm clever as the devil
and twice as pretty,
I'm on the same level
so save me your pity.
With words used as bullets
in attempt to pierce my heart,
I'm a woman who's overworked and crooked
all the while you got a head start.
All I wish for is equality
but you feel offended,
but tell me honestly:
if we're so equal, then why hasn't sexism ended?
- proud to be me -
My dark lipstick is
an act to look tough
and my nose ring is a joke;
I belong to the zoo.
Twisting and screaming
I wriggle out of your tight grip, you say:
how the hell do you live with yourself
for ending up in a choking clench?
Oh, my feet must have slipped
into your lethally poisonous death grip.
- i'm not going to apologise for standing up for myself. -
I'm a withering flower
turning black in the colour
in the winter, freezing.
- cold -
How is it possible to feel so
in a world with seven billion people?
- invisible -
I still power through the day
like a bulldozer on display
for the world to believe
that I'll make it past New Year's Eve.
With a body that fights to survive
and with a mind that wants to die
I remember when I was five
years old and grateful for a blue sky.
Now my world is painted black
and I'm a shell of the girl I used to be
I wear a stone-filled backpack
faking being carefree.
I don't want to burden anyone
with my "small, inconvenient issues"
it's not like a shotgun
is being pressed to a small girl's head without tissues.
- some people wish me well
others pray for me to rot in hell -
With sweet smiles thrown your way
and poisonous words whispered in your ear,
they won't remember your birthday
and sometimes completely disappear.
You think they're so friendly and nice
when they talk with you all the time,
but let me tell you, darling, their hearts are ice
and their souls are worse than sticky slime.
You still believe them, honey
so let me make it easy and fill in the blanks,
if they aren't your friends for your money
then give them your sincerest thanks.
- some people are fake; dump them immediately -
Why is it always like this;
laughing in one minute and crying the next.
It's like I've been cursed with the devil's kiss,
or a witch's gruesome hex.
My feelings are a roller-coaster,
and I don't know where it ends.
Though it wasn't like this on the poster,
and nobody cares to make amends.
It's no one's fault I'm like this;
broken, disregarded - who knows what's next?
Yet I'm the one who most dismiss
my well-being as it is very complex.
- sometimes small things add up to one giant explosion within me -
He fell for somebody once.
Then she told him nobody would ever love him and
he suddenly stopped falling and hit the ground.
- love hurts -
She wore her strength on her sleeves
in the form of intricate tattoos,
to her all that matters is what she believes
and she'll conquer the world in her black shoes.
Her hair was dark, reaching her waist
and her eyes were the best of jade,
her examinations she all aced
her mind being as sharp as a blade.
Named after a ruthless killer
but with a heart made of gold,
she doesn't mind a thriller
her story will be told.
In a world full of magic
and light and darkness,
her story ends in tragic
but she was never heartless.
- as her story came to a close she realised she was the villain all along. -
Throw rocks on my car
and spit curses in my face.
I'll sharpen my teeth for war,
getting ready for the chase.
I'll cut you and let you bleed,
for all the times you've broken me.
I won't listen to you plead,
but laugh in your face with wicked glee.
My teeth are razor sharp,
and I've put on my war paint.
Trust me, no angels will play the harp,
when neither of us have claimed to be a saint.
I've never been a damsel in distress,
no I can fend for myself.
With claws for nails and rivets on my dress,
you brought this upon yourself.
- i have two faces. the first one is the nice me, the other is the angry me. sadly, the angry me often takes control. but i promise you i'm nice. -
You are the one,
yes you are mine;
you don't know it yet, ***,
but stars can align.
You haven't seen me,
nor have I made myself heard;
but I'm here, I'm real, I'm free,
I'm using my wings as a bird.
I'm on my way, love,
not quite there yet;
I'm the dove up above,
whom you have never met.
- i wish you would see me the way i see you -
But why would I move the moon
for a person who left me to burn on the sun?
- some people aren't worth it -
People kept telling her:
"you can't be this, you can't be that"
the girl pretended to listen, their words a blur
she sat there unnoticed, her face flat.
She went to school
receiving an education
she let her parents rule
keeping silent, hiding her creation.
When the nights closed in
and her parents went to sleep
she took out a notebook with a grin;
after all it wasn't theirs to keep.
She bled out words
that had stuck on her skin
outside chirped nice birds
unlike the crows she hid within.
Soon her graduation came
as she held her diploma in hand
she heard her own name
with it came the feared demand.
"You'll become a lawyer like us, right?"
the girl whirled around to see
her mum and dad standing up to their full height
she bit her lip, only wanting to be free.
"No," she told them, "I will not!"
she looked her parents straight in the eye
looking like they'd both been shot
but the girl didn't want to lie.
"I'll become a writer,"
she told them, with a light smile
her parents did not turn brighter
but that hadn't ever been their style.
- don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot be -
Don't take your life.
I mean; it's up to you,
but I don't want to lose you.
The pain doesn't go away -
it just finds more people to hold onto.
I believe that there are people out there
who we are meant for.
But by that I don't mean that
everything's perfect or
that we are living happily ever after.
Think of what you're sacrificing.
Imagine fighting with your partner
but you solve it and in the end of the day
you sleep next to each other
and you're happy.
You're not perfect -
but who is?
There is forgiveness -
not from others but ourselves.
If you forgive yourself
then I can forgive you too,
and your mother,
and sisters can
all forgive you.
It all starts
And you need to make a list of
the pros and cons of taking your life
before you toss a coin in the air
and let it decide the life for you.
I believe in you.
Please believe on yourself.
- i believe in every single one of you -
You made me cry today.
You raised your voice at me
as if I wasn't sitting in the seat
right next to you.
You told me I didn't listen -
that I never listened.
And that I didn't understand,
nor even try.
You screamed all this
at the top of your lungs
being a mature parent
and talk with your daughter
in a civilised tone.
But you don't do civil,
do you, mum?
But then again, you don't see your faults either
but focus on mine and others'.
It's funny how you accuse me of not
listening when in reality
you cut me off when I tried to speak.
You took my voice, mum.
And you refused to give it back.
- this one is extremely personal -
“I’m not okay.”
There, I said it out loud.
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
You keep telling me to
get over it
or if it’s that bad then why don’t I
just get help?
You make it seem like it’s some kind of
to talk with a therapist once a week
when in reality
the healing takes forever.
And the pain just goes on
like on repeat.
“Therapists are expensive,” you sigh
like my life was cheap??
- i'm so used to not being okay it's almost bearable now -
He was a bad boy
because he didn’t care.
He saw a girl as nothing but a toy
and inhaled cigarette smoke like air.
His cap turned the wrong way
he was ready for battle.
His eyes fastened upon his next prey,
in the dark streets of Seattle.
Swallowing cute lilac pills
he survived the day.
He didn’t pay the bills
but who cares anyway?
The bad boy had after many years
stopped caring about his health.
Once he took one too many beers
lost his money and chose to resort to stealth.
His parents didn’t suspect a thing,
nor did the ones calling themselves friends.
To them, he was still their king
and they let him borrow their pens.
With a pencil in one hand
and ***** in the other.
Hoping someone would understand,
he bled out the thoughts he hadn’t even dared tell his brother.
- everyone has a back-story -
He is like an arrow before it launches
- calm, yet deadly.
- some people don't scream danger but are deadly still -
Crimson lips and
****** fangs to match
she takes boys by their hands
and later examine her catch.
They all fall for her
one by one
their vision a blur
and her work is done.
She tosses them in the bin
when she gets bored
the boys think they can win
but they never even scored.
She walks with confidence
wearing a crown of bones
the boys walk with dominance
too blinded by their hormones.
She devours them alive
with her crimson lips
she goes in for the final dive
only needing to sway her hips.
- some people are dangerously attractive -
I've been sinking
for a while now.
Day after day
need to survive;
for my heart to beat;
and for my mind to live.
There's no one to pull me
out of the dark water
other but me
and it's killing me
to know that the only
person who can save me is
me, myself and I.
I'm kicking out
trashing my whole
body but still
I don't reach surface
and I won't anytime soon.
- we all drown sometimes but that doesn't mean we can't breathe fresh air ever again -
He reached into his chest,
hands enclosing around
his beating heart
he brought it out -
not for the world to see
but to give it to the very girl
he had loved to infinity and back.
She took a good look at it,
then accepted the gift
with a bright smile
turning around -
and walking far away
she was excited to try her
new heart when hers was broken.
She replaced her heart with his
and the boy smiled through
so much inner pain he was
unsure if it was possible to ever
live like he had used to before today.
Still, he began walking
in the direction of
what he insisted was
his only and beloved home.
At the threshold he hesitated
before ringing the bell
and a girl opened
looking nearly surprised
- wasn’t it only just they met?
“What are you doing here?”
she asked him, letting him
step through and invite
him into her house.
The boy walked in and
placed his shoes by the door
shrugging of his jacket and saying
“My home is where my heart is – with you.”
- sometimes love hurts -
There once was a girl
who drove a big, black bus
to the edge of a bridge
overlooking the sea.
In the occupied seats
sat her torturous demons
ready to attack her
if needed be.
The girl opened the doors
and walked out to the shore
her demons following
She turned her back
to the edge of the sea
and told them she needed
a moment alone.
She reached out and touched
her forehead with her index
closing her eyes
to savour the moment.
She then took out a blade
from the inside of her jeans
tore it through the air
to make the demons flee.
They hissed and they clawed
slashed their talons in the air
but the girl bit back the tears
and let out a war cry.
She gripped her demons
by their beastly throats
twisting her hands
and the demons fell down.
She gathered them all
in her big, black bus
pushed it in the water
and let her demons drown.
- you have to be your own hero -
— The End —