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2.9k · Sep 2018
Rough night
What4221 Sep 2018
Okay
So
Let's delve deep into the human psyche
Ya know
Really get a feel for it
Because maybe somewhere in that vast unexplored frontier we'll find an answer

Because maybe I'm messed up and I have scars because of an unconscious retribution
Maybe my dad's alcoholism was a gift of unholy origins
Maybe my mom will stop crying at night

Protect the kids
They can't hear the pain if they're asleep

Somewhere in our cosmos there has to be an answer
Of why when Jack met Jill they didn't get a happy ever after

I'm still waiting for test results of the taboo
And I hear people say it's my fault
Then it's not my fault
Then it's okay
Then it's not that bad anyway

I hate it when you wear the skimpiest clothes you can find
For body positivity
Part of loving yourself
Is respecting yourself

Let's cycle back around
I'm talking my perspective
I'm just writing this poem so I can forget about what happened

So I'm sorry it meanders

Because sometimes wanderers are lost
And I don't think I'm ever gonna be found
It was a good thought, Dear Evan Hansen
But I can't even find windows to look through

I lost my shot
Middle of the night
And all I can do is hate
Hate myself

They all think I've got a chance
It's nice people believe in me
I just wish they could also see me

I erased a few lines in here
Just in case you're reading
I don't think you are
But you were my best friend for years
I know I wasn't yours

I don't want everyone to know the darkness that creeps inside of me sometimes
It scares me

Let's take a rocket ship to understanding and relearn tolerance

Love ya hon.

I know you don't love me.
2.0k · Jul 2018
Struggling Act(ress)or
What4221 Jul 2018
action

actiON

ACTION!

Painted stage
Painted lips
Painted face

Eyes glow and watch from darkness and your smile shows sharp teeth

(Come and dance with me)

Wooden stage
Wooden mask
Wooden eyes

After centuries of acting, you’d think we'd know how to act alive

(Let’s burn this place down)

The conductor and the cameras and the jerking strings of fate

Puppet show
False hopes
Thought we had control but it’s too late

(The camera has glowing red eyes)

(You say it looks like a demon in disguise)


I’m real life and paper sketches
Stretched thin over a thousand lives
Barely living mine
While you write how I die again

(I’m not the hero- I don’t get the happy end)


Sudden hot breath and something like sin
A sound near my ear
I can’t let them win
But the cameras are rolling
I’m just an actor on stage
And when parents catch their kids watching
They say I’m the one to blame

We’re spiraling down-
Cutesy plays in elementary
And wild songs and dances
And then suddenly
We forget we need to advance

Put my name on an application-
Just more paper, lost to the wind

You dragged me to lights
And then you dragged me to sin

But the pays good
So I guess I’ll let you win.
1.7k · Jul 2018
Rebuild
What4221 Jul 2018
I woke up in a junk yard with missing parts
My heart was turned to scrap metal
But with every piece of copper they pulled from my bloodstream and sold
I felt something begin to return

On crumpled crushed feet
And mismatched legs
I stumble through Hephaestus’s trash heap
And pull metal from the ground

Reborn in a place where gods threw the ****** out
And I can feel the forge's fires against my battered soles
(Battered soul?)
And red hot glow
And they tell me I was never human before
And they will fix me or melt me and turn me into something new

Sorry
Doll maker
No

I may have been a mistake by the gods

But

I was broken and cast away
And I will rebuild myself
With scraps
1.1k · Jul 2018
Midnight
What4221 Jul 2018
Everything I write is too passionate in the wrong direction
My words don't flow like I want them to
Breaking apart over rapids instead of floating into the ocean

The dictionary doesn't help
And all elegance is coincidence
Because they always said I was a tom boy
And I would never fit in
And so the words they sprayed at me
Are all the ones in my mind

So,
I'm sorry I can't express myself right.

(They still look at me oddly whenever I dress up)

(I wish I could change myself without their derision)

(This dress was my decision)

And once again I'm veering directly off track
Talking about where my sleep addled mind always leads
-
Narcissism?
Definitely.
-
It always circles around to me

Can I be blamed when the nightmares tug at my hands
And pull me
Screaming silently
With tears on my face
Back to wakefulness every few hours?

But I'm sorry
Again
Writing a poem like the page will listen
Because my salary can't afford therapy
And my friends think I'm okay.

Words and jumbled thoughts after a fumbled night in the dark like I won't regret it in the morning

Maybe this is what is meant
By 'it's just a desperate plea for attention'
(I didn't talk to you for fame)
(I just want to know I'm not the one to blame)

-(I'm not alone?)-

But this blank canvas
Had no form of degree
So I'll cease
Desist
And just let these hollow words
Be.
794 · Jul 2018
River (Quiet day)
What4221 Jul 2018
Tell me to bring my hammock to the river
so you can read by the soft      
Rush
Of water and gentle splashes of fish    
And me skipping rocks

And I'll tie the strings to the two strongest trees-
The one where I carved my heart
And you carved our names
And the one I climbed
That hot summer's day
To see the horizon.


I'll bring your favorites-
Stephen King and J.K Rowling
And
Of course
J.R.R Tolkien
(I won't forget Emily Dickinson either, love.            
I know her poems hold your heart)            

I promise I'll sing quietly
Because it's impossible for me to be silent
But I love to listen to the birds
As much as you do
When you read in quiet sunshine.


You are the one who carried me across deserts
The one who held my hand through nightmares and memories
And I would give you a thousand of these summer days
Of rest
I would give you every day of the rest of my life
If it meant you could lose yourself
For just a moment
And forget about the scars you hate
(The ones I trace and tell you to love                            
Because how could I not love every part of you?)      


I'll take my hammock down to the river.




Just meet me there, love.
623 · Sep 2018
Percentages
What4221 Sep 2018
Five percent of me feels glorious and beautiful
I'm the princess finally becoming the queen
The other ninety five percent sends worms to my stomach because I don't deserve something as beautiful as butterflies
The other ninety five percent says I must hate myself because otherwise I won't have enough feeling to give to the world

Five percent of me knows I deserve recognition for my hard work, for staying up until dawn to keep my grades perfect
The other ninety five percent points out that someone must have worked harder
The other ninety five percent says that I am lazy and not good enough for praise of my work

Five percent of me dies

Of the ninety five percent of me that still lives
Only three percent says that I can achieve my goal that I will go to college and that I will succeed
The other ninety two percent cites drop out rates in my family
And says that I am never enough

And now I can feel my percentages decline from being alive I am now only twenty percent human
And eighty percent gone

And one percent of me says that the world is ugly but I can survive
And the other nineteen percent says that I will die in a card board box in an alley
Or I'll end up turning street corners and fearing for my life

And now another fifteen percent leaves
And five percent of me has had enough.

One hundred percent of all I have left rises up
One hundred percent of me stops blaming society's mentality
And one hundred percent of me
Cares about one hundred percent of me
And still has enough to love the world

Because it was one hundred percent darkness
But now the shadows have nowhere to hide

And with this resurgence
I am one hundred and ten percent
Alive.
621 · Sep 2018
Heart on my sleeve
What4221 Sep 2018
Wear my heart on my sleeve
But nobody bothers to look
You say you wish you could
Read me like a book

I'm sorry
But I can't really apologize properly
All of my thoughts and words spill out
Dramatically
Ink splotches across my body

Handwriting ain't the best
And my drawing's for ****
But if you're looking for something meaningful
I can guarantee this ain't it

Because God's pen ran out of ink
And he stabbed a hole in the page
Where he was drawing me
I'm just villager 5, wondering on and off stage

Flows breaking up
I could never be a singer
All I can do is write these words
And hope that somewhere
Somebody takes the time to read them like a book
See the heart on my sleeve
And bother to take a look.
620 · Sep 2019
Orchard
What4221 Sep 2019
Why did you pick the smallest tree?
Because that's the one that grows the most.
539 · Oct 2018
What4221 Oct 2018
You’re prettier than her, though
Laziest over achiever I’ve ever seen
You always seem so happy

I don’t think I’m ever going to figure you out
It hurts sometimes
When it’s the middle of the night
And I hear you all telling me these things again
She’s my best friend
I’m not beautiful like she is

I run myself to the ground
Anxiety and doubt
Push myself until morning
Then an hour of sleep and then work
And you still call me lazy.
I’ve worked hard for this
And I feel like I don’t deserve it

I’m happy because I am splitting apart
When I cry in the shower the sobs turn into laughter
Because maybe if I force myself to smile
The emptiness will leave.

I’m sorry I’m hard to figure out.
I just hold a lot of love for everyone
And I’m kind of different from who I think I am sometimes
I want to succeed in life
But I want everyone to succeed with me.

I’m sorry you can’t figure me out.
I can’t either.
527 · Sep 2018
Another night
What4221 Sep 2018
The Bible sat on both sides of the room
But sin still flowed by in the middle
And tonight’s another mistake
Hate
Hate
Who’s left to blame

I’m done with drama but it ain’t done with me

He’s got the most perfect teeth I think I’ve ever seen
Strange what you notice when you let another half decent guy drag off your shirt
I hid my tears in a bottle tonight
And with the beer went my pride

Bars ain’t for marriage
And we all wander in scared of commitment
At least I’m not back at the gas station in Vermont dreaming about my future while a trucker hands me twenty bucks

Dust in my lungs and ashes in the air
Drags from a cigarette
I wish I wasn’t here
Walk of shame
I’m to blame
Eternal question
Dead of night
Call the cab
Gone before light

To him I’ll be just another night.
458 · Aug 2018
Change
What4221 Aug 2018
I hate it when people think I can't change because they think this is the way I'll always be
Scoff and look down their noses at me
I'm not perfect but I can feel their judgment perfectly
And they tell me I'll never get better
I'll chase my tail like my parents
And end up in jail
Just another mistake after a sub par date
A defective pill
That they thought would be born still

And they tell me maybe my parents would still be together
Maybe there wouldn't be this stormy weather
Maybe if I wasn't the way I am
But they don't let me change and then they take a pin
And stick me to the word blame

I just wanted to be better
But I guess that's not allowed
In a world where people take hope
And turn it to doubt

Can't pull a 180
Without them turning you back around
Tell me I'll be the same
'Til I'm dead in the ground.
449 · Aug 2018
Come Home
What4221 Aug 2018
I'm shucking corn on the front porch- 'make sure to get rid of all the silk'.  The sun makes the world golden as it slides behind the trees and I pull the wide brim of my hat lower.  Long leaves from the ears of corn flutter around after a heavy breeze.  I try not to look in the direction I know you are.  West.

California.

As far away from this town in the middle of bumf*ck , Nowhere, USA as you can get.  That's what you said.  Sometimes I wish you'd just grow up, realize that if your family is your problem then you're never gonna have peace.

You talk about your brother getting high.  You get mad about your own mom asking if you're okay.  And you say your dad never cared.  You're only saying that because they always gave you what you wanted, and stopped too late.

My problems weren't solved just by knowing you.

Nobody's ever will be.  You ain't a miracle, sweetheart, even if I still love you like one.

Please, come home.

My heart keeps running in circles, and I'm afraid one day it's gonna run away.  But I can't survive like you can- I'm built for dirt roads and cornfields, for bales of hay and chicken coops.  I'm not built for running after you.

Even a phone call would be great.  Let me know you're still okay.  I know you haven't forgotten everyone's number.  This town used to be close as family, after all.

What changed?

Just know that behind all the drama, your family still loves you.  You ever feel lost out in Cali, come home.

I'll be waiting here,
Shocking corn
In the golden sunlight
If you ever decide to.
436 · May 2018
Condemned
What4221 May 2018
1.
Start an act.  Leave a line, steal the show, exit left. Enter right.  Dance in the center of the cobwebbed stage where only shadows dance with you.  I can still see the music, though.  It glows softly, crinkled at the edges, watching from the withered balcony.

Exit left, exit left, exit left.

2.
When you first sang to me you were beautiful- you glowed and believed and I thought this could be your dream.  Fancy dress, fancy shoes, fancy car driving away.  I sat in the dust and the despair and thought maybe you won't forget me.

Come home, come home, come home.

3.
I found you years later, on a stage of neon surrounded by green and greed and unfortunate souls.  Your fancy dress, gone.  Your fancy shoes, gone.  Your dream, gone.  Your smile was shattered glass and your lips were red as blood and you were dangerous, standing in the dark, cigarette in between your fingers, smoke trailing from your lips.  It floated into the sky and then was lost below the stars.  

Fly away, fly away, fly away.

4.
You pressed a cigarette into my hand, watched me choke on the smoke, and then dragged me away.  You showed me the theatre, crumbled glory and faded beauty- I saw you in the cracked paint on the walls, in the shattered windows by the alley.  I see you more now than ever before, I think.  A shattered mirror that somehow I know will never reflect me.  You are beautiful.

You are always beautiful.

5.
Dance with the dust motes in the trembling sunlight, leave your head spinning in the clouds.  Exit left, enter right, take center stage.  You wear a gown of crimson red, and your eyes glow in the light.  The music starts up again, the old ***** wheezing to life.  I would learn anything for you.  Graceful steps around rotted floorboards, too thin, too fragile, impossibly strong.

Enter right, enter right, enter right.
403 · May 2019
erasure
What4221 May 2019
The waves crawl up to the beach
Pulling back sand and rocks and dried sea ****
Smoothing out footprints and hiding castles back in the sand

The tide rides on the edges of the clock’s hands
Waiting until the moon drags it out to hide another part of history
Washing clean memories and dreams

And the moon pulls at the ocean
Just as it pulls at the crowds
Drawing them away from the water
Drawing them out

In the blanket of night the past is hidden
Swept away to leave no trace
And the people leave only their laughter and heart beats behind in the air.

The clock ticks endlessly on
And the tide pulls all to the sea
But the air stays heavy with memories

What has happened has happened
For better or worse
Nothing can take it away

The years mingle above the sands of the beach
Mixing tears and laughs
As families come and go
And never come back.
390 · Jun 2018
For You
What4221 Jun 2018
When I told you I would gladly steal the moon from the sky for you,
I wasn’t lying.

You laughed and said you weren’t worth it,
But how can you not be?

The history and energy behind the reflecting moon in the sky has nothing on you,
And the stars themselves are dark when viewed near your glow

The eons passing in the cosmos
Forming planets
And solar systems
And stars
Are nothing when I think about you

When I told you I’d steal the moon I said it because it is just a pale imitation of you
The stars are just low on ink printer copies of your brilliance
And the sun itself makes room in the sky for you

I said I would steal the moon
Because I would do anything for you

You are my stars, my sunshine, and my moon
Glowing in the sky
And I would give you all of space
All of time
If you just asked.
388 · Jun 2019
Signing
What4221 Jun 2019
I once wrote my name over and over until it became foreign to me
A word in a dead language that folded seamless in the middle

And sitting tired at a conference table I had a revelation
That the more I wrote myself the further I turned from myself

I get so close to people I forget them
They turn, like my name, to strangers in my mind

And we all end up wrapped and wreathed and cradled in darkness
Whispering our names and hoping familiarity will return
381 · Oct 2018
Golden Hour
What4221 Oct 2018
It's in that golden hour
When the light drifts through the window
And the dust in the air is beautiful

After a day of tired work and sore muscles
When you finally get to sit down again

When you look at the grass, the ground, the sky
When you feel your heart beat pulse with thunder

Where time fades into the tempo of your favorite song
And you feel the day pulling the last breath from your lungs and filling your heart back up

Where you remember childhood summers
Lemonade and ocean waves

Backlit by the afternoon sun
And the clouds lazing across a blue sky into forever

Where your eyes glow in the light
And your smile softens the wrinkles in your brow

It's in that golden hour
Where home feels just a little bit closer.
376 · Jul 2018
Bombs
What4221 Jul 2018
Dear dear dear
Keep running away from the clearing
You know the one

                          Where the explosions tolled like drums and bells and the church spire      
            cracked and fell

I always thought it looked like a giant hand flashing the ******* at the sky

But now that fingers broken and they are calling this some sort of holy retribution but in the glow of the
        Spotlights, we are all made awake
Aware
That we were dreaming
And the nightmare fades into obscurity

And we pretend to get on our knees and pray

And you pick me up in your junker of a car
Spray painted black over the rust and dents
And you hold my hand
Until the reality rips away again and
We are
                Flung apart

Like always

Another day interrupted by reality
Where your hand never grips me and I stutter awake screaming

It’s hard to tell nightmares and memories apart
When bombs fall in both

So I fling the door open and pray for an empty sky
Where we can’t hear the planes passing by overhead with death in their bellies

          And in the yard in the silence and dark of an ash strewn night something stares at me and walks inside

And I find myself serving tea for a stranger that calls itself some sort of emotion that was locked away in anger

And love sips on cheap green tea and winces as another BOOM shakes the ground

And then. It asks why you’re not around

So I aim my own church steeple at the sky

And leave love outside to wonder why

And close myself back in my house

To dream about bombs.
371 · Mar 2019
Love you too
What4221 Mar 2019
i had to google the right color heart to send you
just so you didnt get the wrong idea
yellow for friendship
                                              right?

­





I keep wishing I could send red
(Starts with R- like Reciprocated)
364 · Sep 2018
Toxic
What4221 Sep 2018
Tell me to be social
But turn your back when I start to talk
I wouldn't ask for anybody else but you
But you never listen.

Tell me I'm mature
And have to make my own decisions
But force me down roads
I never wanted.

I feel like you forget that I am my own person
That just because we have been known to each other since birth
We are different
Stop blocking my words with laughter.

I hate mockery
And you call me a fool
And my voice is too high pitched when you copy it.

You told me to be careful with relationships
But I can already tell
This friendship is toxic.

To speak metaphorically,
Because maybe then you'll understand,
Let me drive the car I bought
Without you crashing it.
why can I never just say this to their faces?  Ughh
363 · Aug 2018
Sunset
What4221 Aug 2018
Pink and orange and brilliantly golden
Sunset falling under trees
The day burnt bright and quick
And now the matchstick shows smoke and ash in the breeze
Stars flecked across a fiery sky
And birds no longer daring to fly
When the bats spread their wings in risky flight
And the moon wakes up to welcome the night.
346 · Apr 2019
War
What4221 Apr 2019
War
We taste war in our mouths

The type of fear that falls like dark snow from the sky
And when you catch the ashen flakes they burn your tongue

Shouldn’t have thrown away the world
Because we are tripping in the dark
Just skeletons staring at the shadows burnt onto walls

Is the wailing in my head real?

Not with a bang but a whimper,
I guess that’s still accurate
The sun is gone because of a scream
But the last of us will fade while crying into their hands.

Their bone hands

Skeletons wandering in an endless night
The stars are gone
The whole sky is gone
And black snow falls from black clouds
Caught on the tips of our tongues

We taste war in our mouths.
340 · Jun 2018
Dear Maya
What4221 Jun 2018
Dear Maya,

Don't you think this life is lovely?
I skipped all the way to the river bank today
I whistled and the wind joined me
And from the river I can see the sea.

Love,
Me



Dear Maya,

You never replied to my last letter
But I hope you're getting better
I want to visit soon
Life isn't the same without you.

Love,
Me



Dear Maya,

It's been ages.
It's been so long.
Why don't you write back?
I miss your letters - pages and pages.

Love,
Me



Dear Maya,

Your mother said to stop writing
Told me to start remembering
But I never forgot you
She says sometimes she thinks I'm gone, too.

Love,
Me



Dear Maya,

Your mother showed me a grave today.
The stone shared your name.
But I know it's not you.
You're at the hospital in London, still.

Love,
Me



Dear Maya,

My therapist tells me every time that you are gone
I guess I know that's true
I just couldn't bear life
Without you

Love,
Me



Dear Maya,

I left the house to my brother
The money to my mother
And the rest to the world.

Love,
Me

P.S.  I'll be there
        With you
        Soon.
331 · Jun 2018
Not Good at Talking
What4221 Jun 2018
I’m not good at talking
My words flicker and die in my throat
And when I see you standing there
Your smile wide
And your eyes glowing
you are so beautiful
I wish I could tell you

I’m not good at talking
But I hope by giving you these roses
You see that your beauty inspires me
That you are lovelier and more alive
Than any flower

I’m not good at talking
But for every chair I pull out for you
Every door I hold open
Every smile I stretch across my unfamiliar face
You realize how strong I think you are

I’m not good at talking
But as you hold my hand in yours
And your laugh clears the foggy morning air
I say to you
That you are beautiful
That you are the strongest person I know
That I wish I knew the right words to say
How much you mean to me.
324 · Nov 2019
defined
What4221 Nov 2019
Evil is pain.

Evil is the fear that creeps under your skin
And you wear it everywhere you go.

Evil is the darkness that floods into your mother's eyes as she lets out her last breath and her hand falls from where it was rested against your cheek.

Evil is the certainty and the cold of night
The marching of time dragging us to oblivion.

Evil is the way you told me my brother was a druggie and a drunk and worth nothing, but that it's okay, because the rest of my family is the same.
And evil is the hatred that curls so tight around my heart and lungs that I think I'm dying.

Evil is a phone call after an accident with hope distant at the end of the line
And evil is the way that the snow falls cold before the leaves can drop from the trees.

Evil is the steady ticking of the clock and it's the way they say that nobody can change and it's the hunger that growls from my stomach on the bad days.

Evil is sitting alone in the dark and knowing that no one knows who you are
And they don't want to.

Evil is the haze and the cloud that drags itself across your face until you are blind and stumbling through what was supposed to be familiar.

Evil is the way that eyes judge before they see.

Don't ask me the definition of evil
It is dripping blood from its hands next to me.
321 · Mar 18
Last Dance
What4221 Mar 18
She pulls up her hand
Turns
Stands on the toes of one foot
Spins

Drops appear on the ground
She falls with grace
Hands extended
Bowed forward to the audience

Tears stream down her face
The empty seats stare back
The room is bared to the sky
The roof is gone

The rain starts slow then fast
Her tears
The raindrops
The empty audience

She pulls herself up
Smiles
Stands on both feet
Turns

The tears and the rain
She drowns under the gray sky
She picks her way through ruins
She walks along battered streets

At the end
She lifts her hand
She waves
She spins

She leaves.
280 · Jun 2018
Stronger
What4221 Jun 2018
When you said you wished you were stronger I knew everyone thought
Ego
And
Pride
And
Hubris

I looked at the way you looked at him
And thought
Devotion

Because you are sitting there and suffering
And you are screaming through the rough nights
And the bad days
And when you stay away they all thought
Selfish

But I heard the threat
I knew what you thought they would do
If they realized how much
He meant to you

So you live with nightmares
Crawling in your head
While you dream of
His
Smile

Because when you said you needed to be stronger
Everyone thought
Offensive
I thought
Defensive

The only protection you are searching for
Is the one you can surround him with
While he searches for you in the dark
Because without you
He’s losing his will to live

You are the image of the thought of devotion
He is loyalty in a picture
And don’t you know
He could never truly be protected
Unless you told him how much
You loved him.
258 · May 2019
Along the River Bank
What4221 May 2019
Brittle old bones
Walk in shakes
And the occasional drum roll
along the river bank

Young bright soul
Walks in breaks
And the occasional canned laughter
along the river bank

Brand new heart
Trips through dark and dank
Finding their way
along the river bank

Ancient mind
Trudges beside an army tank
Fighting their way
along the river bank

Crowd of strangers
Skip and walk
Find their way
To a place to talk

A family traveling
Through night and day
Using the river
To find their way.
258 · Mar 2019
Death and Birth
What4221 Mar 2019
Sometimes the earth breathes
It takes in air as tornadoes and hurricanes
Coughing up tsunamis and floods
In the electric static shock of the atmosphere
Lightning cuts through the clouds yelling

The earth holds its breath
It waits in calm stillness
Silent and waiting for something
As people breathe above it
Creating their own storms
Their own natural disasters

The earth gasps for air through smoke choked skies
And it drinks in green slime
And polluted water.

Lumbering
Pulling
Pushing
Moving through space
Gasping and sputtering
Pushing and pulling

Red
Red
Red

Mars was supposed to be the red planet
But ours is covered in blood

Innocent
Evil
It’s hard to breathe.

Gasping and shaking
We make storms and live through them
And walk and drag and pull
With broken bones
With blinded eyes
With scars and pain
Bruises and fear.

Breathing
Moving
Destroying.

*

The earth sleeps sometimes
It snores in gentle rumbles of faraway thunder
As people live above it

As plants push through to sunlight
And food arrives at another starving place
The earth sleeps as it heals
Through natural disasters.

As the scars left by wars fade
And the people sing
And the sky clears
As we take our time
As we walk instead of drag
Instead of crawl

As our broken bones mend
And the blood is washed clean.

Green bursting from gray ash
Pink and white delicate flowers
Buds on trees.

Another hole dug in the ground
But this time it is roots being lowered into it
Not a coffin.

The earth sleeps
And the people heal
And fix
And build
And plant
And live.

We clean after the storms we have lived through
Strolling through space
Pulling up life from death.

Breathing
Moving
Creating.
254 · May 2019
Weight
What4221 May 2019
He plucked the world up with his hand
And smiling gently
Settled it on my back.
234 · Jul 2018
Life (?)
What4221 Jul 2018
Don’t look for me in empty words
Don’t find my face in old photographs
And stop talking to my grave
Like I’ll answer

I was dead long before I died
Buried in this mortal body of mine
Mechanical actions
Daily repetition

I’m more alive now in death
When old age finally took my breath
From my lungs
Than when I stumbled like a puppet through life

So don’t find me in stories and pictures
Don’t talk to my cracked headstone
Find me in the trees and the flowers
Find me in the river that flows free

Find me in this world
Floating with the clouds on the sky
Dead
But finally
Alive.
232 · Jun 2018
Confession
What4221 Jun 2018
Forgive me father,
For I got wasted before I came here,
Atheist alcoholic sitting in confessional.

Maybe I am more like my dad than I thought.
Drown my emotions in cheap whiskey
And watch people flinch away from my mint gum breath.

The priest is sitting on the other side
Waiting for me to speak
But this conversation doesn’t need a middle man
This is between ‘God’ and me.

So, here I am
Finally
Years after I cursed at the sky
And dared to leave
Trying to force my mind to wobble out of a drunken blur
And form some sort of apology.

But my fingers are pulling at my sleeves
And I keep burping out hysterical laughs
The tears and guilt
Pouring out of the cracks.

I yelled at Him
Blamed him for all my problems
But now I am an empty shell filled with alcohol
Sitting in a confessional
Crying to a silent priest
Who’s supposed to pass God’s forgiveness
Onto me.
230 · Jun 2018
Some sorta love
What4221 Jun 2018
Grab the handles of the world and let it

Shake.

You’ve always known how to spin something around and change my mind and change me.

And you’re telling me that sometimes you think you’re a world because of the way you spin on your axis in the lazy days and the way I kinda revolve around you
I’m the orbiting moon-
Satellite-
I’m something.

I just know that you define me by you.

And I just know that I’m kinda okay with that.

I’m okay with the way you take my hand and pull me along dirt paths deep in the woods and tell me about your dreams and about who you think I am.

I have had so many people tell me that they can’t figure me out.
I don’t know why.

All they had to do was ask you, because you are the whole reason I’m me.

Spin me around on a dance floor of grass and dirt where fireflies are the strobe lights and your laughter is the song and I think
Somehow
I’m falling deeper in love

Because when you said you felt like the world you were echoing my thoughts
You're my world my stars and my song

And I will always be your moon as long as you’ll have me

Forever orbiting around you.
221 · Jun 2018
Holding Hands
What4221 Jun 2018
She took
         My hand
                   In hers
                           And I felt
                                   My whole
                                                World

Shift.
218 · Jul 2018
Vacant
What4221 Jul 2018
The neon sign outside says

                    VACANT


In that swirling LA style

The way the motel seems to reach out its hand
And say
                     Take it

To those modern day gypsies

And the moon with the stars smiles
And says

           Fake it
  
Until        you

                               Make it.

Because the caravans
Are ruined
And the motel sleeps ghosts

And it’s the only way we know.
210 · Oct 2018
Golden
What4221 Oct 2018
Time's going to take you back to the dust you were born from
Like you were fool's gold all along
Dumped back into the stream
You thought the shine and the light would make them love you
But he still pushed you away in a musty bookshop in your home town
Walking home alone in the late autumn glow
Like if we believed hard enough we wouldn't fall like the leaves
Believe in something
They always said
But now I'm just falling for anything.

You love to the moon and the stars
But every star falls
And the moon disappears once a month
Everything about you is flimsy
Permanence fading away
You sway side to side with the breeze

                                        ----That one day in late April
When you called home and said you missed his smile and his laugh
And the way he smelled like new books and flowers
Then he found you because the book store was just another place lacking permanence
His fingers can't cover his eyes
And he watched you bathing in the glow of your lies

~I'm coming back home. I miss you.~

Why are you in a hotel with a stranger then?----

Return to the dust and the dirt
It's what we are all born of
You just keep the cycle going when he leaves you to join the earth.

I'm sorry to apologize and to speak in a less than frank way
But the love you built on sand was swept away by a wave one day
And the golden light is still streaming through the window and lighting up the dust and making the shop seem magical
Memories fading in an afternoon glow
And he told you he loved you
And you told him you loved him too.

Permanence of scars and performance
And you are returned to the stream
To glitter and shine and wish
That someone is not looking for real gold that day.
209 · Jun 2018
Poison
What4221 Jun 2018
A snake got in with the bees
And now there’s poison in the honey
200 · Jul 2018
Gentle Morning
What4221 Jul 2018
Silky   smooth    caresses
and t r a i l i n g fingers
Sending gentle heat
Across my skin

                                    You pull me
               Closer
                                  Until I can hear your heart beat

Kind golden light
       drifting....
Through thin curtains               Gentle breathing

                     Cold air
Warm
       Blankets

Radiating heat
From where our legs twine together


Soft sounds.        .....  You gently untangle
                                           Start the coffee machine  .....




Blankets    d r a  g g e d    away

Faint murmurs

And then cold,
                             cold air

        And hot morning breath


                And work in an hour....
200 · Sep 2018
Jack the Ripper
What4221 Sep 2018
There's something dark twisting through the streets of London
Smoke and fog and teeth
All you can see is the tracks it leaves behind
The claws rake across the midnight walkers
And their bodies turn up in the morgue
And nobody knows who it is
Who are the victims anymore

Friendless
Lonely
Who was shredded by a monster,
Who was ripped and clawed by the wolf of the night?
Because they are the ones without anyone
And now he takes them lovingly into his arms before he leaves red blossoming across their bodies

Jack the Ripper
Of the deadly dark
The one who drifts with the smoke and the fog
The devil in disguise who escaped
Unseen
In the night.
199 · Jan 27
Miscue
What4221 Jan 27
Miscue
You're a missed cue
I think I miss you

Small mistake
We took a small break
You made my heart ache

We're so lost
No more star-crossed
Love is tossed

Different man
Found a different plan

I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Miscue

Definition: (noun) A minor inadvertent
mistake usually observed in speech or writing
or in small accidents or memory lapses etc.
196 · Feb 2019
Anon
What4221 Feb 2019
There is safety in anonymity
The press of the crowd
A faceless voice yelling in a sea of noise.

It’s chaotic
Rushing, tearing, pulling
Red is the color of rioting.

Unidentified criminal
Slinking back in red shadows
Safety in hiding.

Reluctance against the pull and flow
But eventually
Everyone lets go.

We drift
Anonymous
On a sea of red.
194 · Jun 2018
Shattered Words
What4221 Jun 2018
1
The words lay in tattered strips across the room.  My heart is in a crumpled ball in the trash.  And your angry red footprints are scribbled on the floor, leading out of the room.

Your words are carved into my skin like scars and my memories are laying in shattered picture frames.

Every time we make up, we fight.

2
Your words lifted me into the sky when I first met you, took me to a motorcycle and a ride around dark roads and neon signs.  Your voice flew in the sky with the birds and I thought no drug could ever get me this high.

My memories were carefully placed in photo albums, but I always kept the snapshot of your smile near.

3
The broken glass of your smile told me everything I needed to know and my tears still live in the bedroom.  We needed money, you said.  You had to.  The camo clothes wrapped you in darkness and misery and you stayed with the wrong words and sounds for a year until you came home.

But all of your thoughts come out of a bottle now.

All of your smiles hide in my memories.

And your arm stayed with the dark rotten words on the other end of the earth.

4
Your stare walks after me on loud feet, complaining when something isn't the same.  The drink in your hand dances with you in the dark and pulls even more of your breath away.  And shadows in the night pull at the tangled strands of your memories until you wake up with fear crouching on your chest and a scream floating in the air above you.

The words to your song danced away and the light in your eyes flickered out.

5
The first screams that ran through the air at me were as loud as gunshots, and I guess that made it worse.  Your words left bruises on my skin, as invisible as they were, and your apologies stayed hidden behind the couch.  My own words were elephants and left a trampled mess and my tears stayed as rain in the clouds.

I'm not letting the forecast of my life bring me down anymore.

6
This time when my thoughts shove you out the door, my heart burns with the rest of the trash, and your rage yells at me that you aren't coming back.

My last I Love You lays on the ground by your shattered cares and I carefully pick it back up.

I should save those three words.

Maybe if I put them in the DVD player
And rewind enough
I can pretend it's you saying them

7
They walk carefully to me, the letters do, and they say you are doing better, now.  Fear stops eating your breath and you aren't hanging from memories anymore.  I take the I Love You out of the Tupperware container

And mail it to you.

The hopeful light wakes you up in the morning and the clouds drift with it in the sky.  I keep sending you all the words I have

And you send your own back.

We'll be ok.

With the right words building bridges to us,

We'll be ok.
191 · Jun 2018
The Same Sky
What4221 Jun 2018
I’m staring at the Big Dipper and I’m staring at the moon and this whole time I wish I could see you

But hey, at least we sleep under the same constellations

I’m drifting through the milky way on a cloud of shattered glass and the stars burn around me and when I look down I can’t see you but I can feel you in the rumbling thunder of the eternity of space

The stars broke through the fabric and fire burns around them and they fall and fly and I wish they could carry us but they are too warm while we freeze to death in the dark

At least we drift with the same clouds

Because I’m flying high on a rug in the sky and suddenly you’re holding my hand asking me when I let my heart decide and we are golden jewels in an eternity of silver stars and I wish we could last forever

But our glow reaches the earth too late and we die under the lights of long dead stars

We burn bright and fast in comparison and then we fade to ash and dust and we rust in the ground

At least we are buried under the same sky.
187 · Nov 2018
We are the Stars
What4221 Nov 2018
What we call the end,
The stars called the beginning

Time fluctuating to handle the light and power
And motion shuttering to a halt

A short absence of breath before you explode into existence
The atoms of your heart formed in stars

And space itself breathing in the dark
Hands clasping nothing as you struggle to form

All matter was once stars
All the matter that is ours

The end was the stars’ beginning
And we are the stars
181 · Jun 2018
Wrapping Paper
What4221 Jun 2018
The colors covered the world like wrapping paper
Keeping the inside hidden

What’s inside the box?

They said don’t peek
You’ll see tomorrow
But I just wanted to know
What’s under the colors?

What does the world look like
When we strip away the pretty wrapping?

What do we look like
Without the colors adding on to us?

And I’m not talking colorblind

I’m talking no shades at all

I’m talking nothing but life

What is life
Without the wrapping?

They said don’t look
But I didn’t listen
I needed to know if we were pretty
Without wrapping.

So maybe
I tore a hole
Through the colors
And caught a glimpse
Of what isn’t

I don’t think I’ll forget
What I saw.

The world without wrapping
Isn’t what I thought
At all.
180 · Jun 2019
Untitled
What4221 Jun 2019
Just let the smoke
Drift through the trees
Wish I was that free.

I wish I was that free.
174 · Jul 24
Ivy Vines
What4221 Jul 24
She calls her up by the ivy vines
The ones that creep and crawl
Until her shadow stretches
Until her image sprawls

And she climbs up by the ivy vines
The ones that creep and crawl
And leaves her shadow in the moonlight
And lets herself sprawl

The garden stands empty at the foot of brick and ivy
And a room where the shadows left
A moon-bathed calling in a sun-bathed world
Two girls and the ivy

The ground is soft
Her step is sure
The dew is cold
By the morning

She climbs down the ivy vines
When the moon is gone
She climbs down the ivy vines
And faces another morn.
165 · Sep 2018
Racing Love
What4221 Sep 2018
Running
Hearts
Burning

Is this love?
The way I am gasping for breath
But keeping pace with you
For miles

How much I hate running
Could never equal how much
I think this is love
I think I love you

I'm an idiot
For falling in love
With my best friend
161 · May 2019
talking in different rooms
What4221 May 2019
I know this sounds childish
But sometimes I miss when my parents used to hide the truth of the world from me

Life was less scary then.
156 · Jun 2018
Don’t let go
What4221 Jun 2018
Stop telling me to let this go
                       Like you think it broke me.

I have been shattered glass wrapped in barbed wire since the moment I could breathe
                  Infant hands clutching at this        
                  tenuous reality.

And when my mama saw my face, my mama said to me
                       You’re the best **** mistake
                        life’s ever given me.

So yes I’ve always been a little broken
But I’ve never let it go
The only thing I’ll let melt away is the snow

Don’t let go of the past because forgetting is how we make the same mistakes

A wise man once said to forgive your enemy,
But remember the *******’s name.
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