Condemn me to death
Torture this flesh
Still
I will not bow
To your empty lies

Here I stand
Alone in the rain
I tread upon the cobble
Absorbing my surroundings
An emotional sponge

A constant tug-of-war
Meet the expectations
Try to live their dreams
Or
Give in
Let go
Don't be their puppet

Choose, **** it!

Well,
More so **** me

When did I
Become so cold?
When did I
Become so numb?

Where's the person I used to know?
Where are my feelings?
Scattered about
Lost to one another
Making me unable to function
I want to feel something
Be normal
It crashes around me
I just watch it

Lifted up
Told all is well
Convinced by lies
Held by the demons
Painted like faces I know
Then pricked
By their thorns
Of reality

Bleeding
Dripping
Maybe one day
They would see it
But no
5 years and still
They see a "happy" child

The closer they try to get
The more hurt I make them
So then
I push them away
Save them from myself...
From this monster I have become

Listening to my heart
Not the lub-dub it's supposed to be
Whispering to me
Spiders webs swaying
One bites
My blood is the venom
Black as my tainted soul

Tired of living with no defense
Can you understand
Where I'm coming from?
I'm sick of surviving
When I'm supposed to be living...

- Jay M
May 27th, 2019

Minutes, hours
Tick
        Tick
                Ticking by
I can sleep when I'm dead
Get it out of my head
Out of all of their heads
It isn't over yet

The memories will forever scar
Forever roam far
Strangling those who know
Living again and again
Taking more and more victims

Holding my breath
'Til my body turned blue
Meet the shadows
I've got everything and nothing to lose

Trusting so easily
Falling so fast
Not realizing
Then it hits me

So much for being happy
In the days that remain
It's not like I'm dead
But I might as well be
Living on such a breakable thread

It was everything
Everything that I wanted
Yet
Something missing
Then I caught up
And
Bang!

- Jay M
May 22nd, 2019

Dolor;
O, quam potens sit
Sine misericordia
Non unciae

Hic ego pono
Contritum et cruentis
Reliquit meum cogitationes
In aeternum solus
In aeternum mittitur ad tenebras

Culpa plagis meus valde et anima
Numquam me dimittere
Cuniculus in carne mea
Sculptura se nidum sanguinis et os

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

English translation:

Pain;
Oh, how powerful it be
Without an ounce
Of Mercy

Here I lay
Broken and bleeding
Left to my own thoughts
Forever alone
Forever cast to darkness

Guilt plagues my very soul
Never to let me go
Tunnel into my flesh
Carve itself a nest of blood and bone.

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

Paralyzed by who I am
And who I have become

When did I
Become so numb?
When did I
Fake all emotion?

Lying to those whom I love most
Held nearer and nearer to my heart
Dearer and dearer
But still
They slip
Realize
And I fall

When did I
Become so cold?
When did I
Become ashamed?

I no longer feel things
I am certain I should
Unknown to the existing realm
Tread upon by all
Each moment
Never left alone
Yet it shall never be

Where is the real me?
I'm lost
This tears every fiber
Every molecule, atom, element
Filament
So ******
So helpless
Unable to carry its almost non-existent weight

Seeing everything
Heart just started gunning
Running
Hide
Escape the terror
Locking myself in
Cornering myself
Hands over my ears
Thud
Over and over
I still hear it
Covering my own ears
Unable to prevent the sound
Repeating in the confines of the brain
This **** brain...
Which,
I hope to flip the switch
To off...

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

Never
Finished

Never
Done

Always

                             Pa         t
                                    r               l
                                              ia

The front door was open
They walked in
Gunning down the residence
One by one
Loosening their grip on the world
Drifting out of consciousness
They lost a lot of blood

I thought I made a promise
But I guess no promise is kept
Not anymore

They said I could do anything
Well
What about nothing?


- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

Sitting there
Supporting a friend
Dropping the note
Handing it over
To him...

For a moment
Things are okay
He is still
Then
The storm breaks loose

Standing
Bashing his head against the wall
Punching the wall
Then storming away
Pulling off his jacket
Throwing it
Bolting...

I walk
Away
Hide
In the bathroom
Lock myself in the stall
Cornering myself
Curled up
In a ball
Of fear and confusion

This is the world we live in
This is the way things are
I feel it
Hitting me
Knocking me down
Like a wave

Where are my feelings?
Inside,
Finally showing through
It kills
I destroy what once was

I said I didn't feel it
He felt it too much
I broke him...
I broke him...

Covering my ears
Half an hour later
I am found

"Kid? Kid?"
"Hey, I found her!"
"Hey, it's okay, it wasn't your fault."
"Come here, it'll be okay."

Held by those who love me
This cause
The hurricane
Is loved?

I had a feeling in my stomach that I hated
Hearing it made it lurch
You promised
You wouldn't try
But there they were

They stopped him
Held him
He let loose
Ran
Bolted
Eventually caught
Brought away
Safe...

But what is safe?

Just promise
You won't try again...

Just promise
You'll be okay...

Just promise
You'll move on...

I know he'll never read this
Never see through my eyes
Even so
I care...
Just know I care...
I'm sorry...
I just couldn't live a lie

Crippled by who I am
And what I have become
What I did
Ended
It almost cost a life...


- Jay M
May 20th, 2019