Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
?
Carlyyyy Aug 2018
?
I know what I’m about...
I just don’t know who I am.
Carlyyyy Sep 2018
Every day, there is a new revelation,
I understand about myself.

It stings.

This loneliness is for my own good.
I see that,
in this moment.
This emotional roller coaster is
Me,
growing out and up.

That is normal.

Let me let out this deep breath.

Let me have this.

And that is good enough for me.
I want a little normal,
to go along with all my weird...
*insert winky face*
Carlyyyy Apr 2017
What's going on in my head,
Is something I cannot explain
A lot of **** goes unsaid
bottled up and emits pain


I am the sparks leaving a fire
looking for a place I belong
Deep in the forest, I find my choir
I go to sleep, after a little song


Here I am, peaceful, as i wished
A little late night something
Carlyyyy May 2017
Let it be luck or fate
You and I became legends
Us against the world

With each battle,
Enemies came to fight
As allies made appearance

Wars are ongoing
But they hinder
From time to time

Young and optimistic,
We were not yet burdened,
With heavier dilemmas

We enjoyed our time
With each passing season,
Our dreams became bigger

We were the same
But different in pace
We became a comparison

No one warned us
That we could defy
One another

After our first few quarrels
We used the word "forever"
Often as we overcame obstacles

Like poison seeping in
Quarrel after quarrel,
"Forever" fell short of itself

There were more stories
Of us and our memories
Than memories being made

Maturity and experience
Changed everything
From our minds to physicalities

Sharp pain resides in my heart
Orignated from comparisons
I hated everything.

You recieved praise
And lost yourself in it
I lost my voice and will.

Mind tricks of my own doing
Distance flourished
As did I.

We were aware of ourselves
But we expected more too
We were no longer on the same page

Something crashed in us
It left marks and bruises
Left us broken and in pieces

Unsure of what was next
Our blades were drawn
Wounded each other with deceit

Haunted with hate,
You became headstrong
I took myself faraway

Time slowed down
The storm calmed
Everything softened

My sun grew confident again
Beaming from above,
Into what was left of me

The shadow casted
Showed me some truth
My mind cleared and spoke

Aren't we peers,
Or the least bit, equal?
When will you learn?

Look at me.
Who do you see,
If not someone found and free?

Words fled quickly
From my tired being
I justified myself for you (again)

You say you understood
But your skull and bones thick
With stubborn and pride.

Spiteful knives sharpened
By shared secrets and confessions
Tell me what part of me do you target

This new nature you claim
Doesn't not suit you well
But maybe the colors are true

It might be time
To take your turn
And make a realization

Patience is my life
All I have is time
But I'm growing

I am not the pity you see
When you look at me
I am beyond that
and so much more
I don't need anyone who doesn't need me.
Carlyyyy Sep 2018
I don’t know who I am going to be tomorrow but
Right now,
I am a broken hearted fool.



«c.h.b.»
Carlyyyy Sep 2017
Humor comes in a million different shades.
As mine reaches various greys and yellows,
I admit, more often an inkling than a joke,
I say, "I could die happy, right now."
This life assures me nothing good nor bad.
Blah.
Maybe the next? If any.
I won't take anything away from myself because that would mean,
I have an enemy.
And you don't run from your enemies,
You face them.
So it's safe to say,
I am here until I am not.


«c.h.b.»
It's hard to explain this one.  I am aware of suicide's toll on everyone. I am neutral, well I like to think so. I notice the many sides of why. It can be a way out but it could be a way in. No one knows what goes on in other people's minds. Suicide can be neither a sign of weakness nor a symptom of strength. Maybe it's both? I don't know but I do know it happens. I lost my friends to suicide. These people, I knew them when I was a kid. We all possessed naivety and love for life. Adventures didn't come to us, we made them. We grew up. We saw, did, & heard things. The real world ****** us in. Expectations hit hard. Lies and deceit had familiar faces. Love hurt. No one is to blame. No one at all!  I've come to terms. We all face demons. We all have our struggles. How you face them is what matters? you decide everything in your life. Don't let people get you down. You are capable of anything! Preferably good things that help you, people, maybe nature and animals. Idk but be good.
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
take a walk down this lonely road
tell me where your mind goes
don't look back to see if they followed
this is the way you chose

be strong in all that you do
trust me when I say I know it is hard
don't expect a hero's rescue
without being scarred


                            
                                        «c.h.b.»
Maybe be your own hero
Carlyyyy Sep 2017
There are still lessons to be learned.
His love tightens around her throat,
While his words take stabs to her heart.
Unconditional love makes up for her pain.
She's forgiving.
He's sick.
And I can't take it anymore.
I'm unfamiliar with the art of protecting and defending.
I, too, choke on my words.
As actions speak louder,
She will cry again.
I will give pass her a knowing look.
They will speak redundancy.
How much more can she take?
No more scoffs and oh's
She's the source of my stubbornness.
She's the only beginning I know.
She'll curse me to the pits for thinking like this,
Death can't come any quicker,
To this ugly fat f*cker.
my, now disowned, uncle abuses my grandma, his mom. He has cancer now and is dying. He is her baby. My mom, his sister, has attempted to get her help but she constantly forgives him and claims there is no trouble when police arrive. Outsiders, think it's "crying for attention" because it happens a lot. For the past 40+ years. She does everything for him, laundry, pays his bills, cooks his food, etc. He once had a wife and kid but they saw his ugly and ran. I miss my cousin. My grandma signed her house over to him when he had his family around and he holds that over her head bc he knows she has nowhere to go. He makes her cry. My mom's house is small and full. It's not fair but karma is catching up to him and I'm glad. If it's evil of me to be ok with him dying then so effing be it. He is nothing to me but a bag of bones.
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
If I could grow to be 10 feet tall
I would be feared rather than listened too
It don't matter the size of me, my heart or my brain
But the amount of words, love and life I choose to emit
No one can tell you the answers
You have to find your love or loves in life
Your heart will glow and fill
Remember that wonderful feeling when you become so low


                                          «c.h.b»
I wrote this like a lot time ago. It was a draft I thought I should just post...
Carlyyyy Apr 2017
Drive til you see mountains
Minutes will pass,
by thousands.
Keep going til you smell the ocean
Exhale at last
No more commotion
I wanted to try actual rhyming with this poem. I did it! Finding peace is one thing I wanna do in my lifetime(:
Carlyyyy Jul 2017
I think of the future lightly
As it hasn't always been for me
But things change(d).



«c.h.b»
Everything is changing for me and I don't know how to handle it. I am trying though(:
Carlyyyy Sep 2018
I am quiet.
Soft spoken.
A woman of few words.
My voice is still.
My mind is loud.
My thoughts generate words and meanings a million different ways.

“Think before you speak” they say. Probably why I don’t speak much.

If you must label me,
Label me, Me.
I hate labels and the adjectives that usually follow. I may be a quiet person but that doesn’t define me. I am so much mire. I feel so much more.
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
They randomly see each other.
At the store.
At the gas station, farmer's market.
She is irked by how much he thinks she's "into him"
That ego. Smh
He is intrigued by her willingness to not give into him.
She really digs him.
He will never know that though.
They'd have one another in a heartbeat
If the stubborn and pride disappeared
He greets her with a cheeky grin.
"Hello love of my life, please tell me you're looking for me?"
She rolls her eyes and speaks true sass, "does your head ever get..ya know...too heavy?"
He will play dumb to continue hearing her voice, "what do you mean?"
"Your head...well I suppose it's full of air. Can't be too heavy."
His chuckle is genuine for her cute lil evil smirk claiming her victory.
He steps in front of her, asking for more, "Are you following me then?"
She replies with hands on her hip, "oh please. I haven't seen you in 2 weeks. Get over yourself."
As much as he likes the sight of her winning, he whispered, "As long as you're under me, love."
He winked and she left.



I hope it's not the end.
      


                                              «c.h.b.»
Mini stories go through my head alllll day
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
‪I'm choking down words
I leave these doors open
Am I an unlucky fool given a curse?
Although, I've gotten good at coping

What more do they want from me?
Or should I ask
What more can I give?
Time for change
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
They say "leave your box,
Go out and make yourself known,
Without a care in the world.
Be yourself."
But what if your box is your world?
And you never cared if people don't see it that way?
Those close to you, especially.
They really mean, "Be yourself but just not like that."


                                             «c.h.b.»
Carlyyyy Nov 2017
If you release your breaks,
Well..
How
do
I
know
you're
not
In reverse?
Carlyyyy May 2017
Routine revival of heated water
I am clean,
naked...
and blind,
Standing in front of me,
a reflection
Words and thoughts occupy me
But the brown of my eyes win
And everything becomes bright

Here,
I decide my day
Feeling confident today and for the past week actually (:
Carlyyyy Dec 2017
If it were 2am,
I wouldn’t be here.

If it were 2am,
I’d be on my 5th beer.

If it were two AM,
You wouldn’t know I cried myself to sleep.

If it were 2am,
I’d try counting sheep.

If it were 2am,
I’d crave love and affection.

If it were two AM,
I wouldn’t ask,
for fear of rejection.
It’s 11:31 PM.
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
I wasn't born to live such a simple life
and then die
I am not here to follow rules
and abide everyone's wishes
I am not consistent.
I must have change.
Though, you may see it as a weakness
It is definitely a strength
It has showed me many loves
I love painting,
Drawing,
Sculpting,
Writing.
I love cooking,
Sewing,
Beading,
Baking.
I love kids,
Stories,
History,
Books,
Movies
And the good lord knows, too many tv shows.
I ride the waves of change to find a beautiful new view
Life becomes mine to live
And I love it
It may have started out as a coping mechanism for when I was a child, during some traumatic stressful situations. I would change my room around & organize the bookshelf in my grandma's house almost everyday but now I own it so I am much more happy with it
Carlyyyy Dec 2019
My mind is a dying forest
I must nourish it with knowledge
My ancestors live in one hundred feet tall trees

I have rivers
They remind me of time
And how much I have left

My heart belongs to the universe
I must leave it open
Carlyyyy Sep 2017
The memories I have stored
Tell me, I'm missing some.


                                        «c.h.b.»
Carlyyyy Jul 2017
I want to take your pain away
My heart aches knowing you feel this sad
I am glad you trust me enough to talk to me about it
I love you bestie
Stick around
It gets better
I promise.
I'm always here
I promise
Overthink my words
Because they come from my heart
My friend is just as sad as me maybe even worse. She opened up to me tonight with tears and threats. It breaks my heart
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
Words are just words.
Colors are just colors.
Size is just size.
Glasses are just glasses.
School is just school.
People are just people.
But there is so much more behind these, apparently.
I think I was better off being naive than I am now.
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
I will not give up on myself
Because if I do,
It's weakness
If I love myself enough
I'll make it through
Drunk me
Carlyyyy May 2017
I'm no longer consumed
with doubt
Or envy.
                                             
    It took light years

When it comes to them,
I just felt ugly inside.
They were happy,
And I was not.

                                            I'm past that now

It's the hole in my heart.
Shovelled out,
and mangled,
by your negligent hands

                                           Time healed me

Those very hands,
Connected to that pair of arms
once held me so close,
I could feel my heart smile.
                                    
                     ­               Let's skip the "but now's"

Attached to the same body,
A voice uttered my name,
Every so often,
Just to make sure  

                                  Once upon a time, that is.

It bewilders me
YOU bewilder me.
Things are clearer about you
But foggier in how I should see you

If I can handle you,
I can handle all

You misplaced me but I found myself
Tell me what you think, please?
Carlyyyy Jul 2017
I looked forward,
once I saw a glimpse of a future
I finally took a step forward
It was exciting and exhilarating
It made my heart flutter
I craved accomplishment
I got my hopes up
I talked to myself through it
The possibility of it not happening
I mustn't of convinced myself
Because I fell to the floor
The window I stood by fogged up
I dropped the lit cigarette on the carpet of my own house
And watched it burn
I smoked myself out
I told myself I'll be fine
Four weeks later and I'm underneath the same bridge I'm suppose to be over
Head above water, feet kicking
Lungs heavy and eyes red
My mind, body, and soul
all undone
There is no stream strong enough for me
I am not satisfied with this
I experienced the high of life
I just can't seem to grasp the positivity
All I ask is you don't let me be
I could use what you got for me
Life has got me down
Carlyyyy Oct 2017
There’s “something” missing.
I’ll put it that way,
For my own sake.

My hopes are afraid of these heights
Many come and go,
Falling has become a starry-eyed fear

I find all it takes is,
Some artful kind words,
An image of “dreams come true,”

And finish me off with a smile,
Of the eyes,
just as the mouth.

I won’t settle for anything less than genuine.
A lesson learned from beyond me
A lesson, nonetheless.


            
              «c.h.b.»
i made a friend and we’re good but...he makes me feel good about myself and my life....to the point I don’t know how to feel about him.
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
I don't believe you
The word I wish you'd say
And mean  
It's only two syllables
Begins with "I am"
I'd be a sea of tears
Sooner or later
Life has become too difficult

Don't.
Worry.
About.
Me.

That's my job.
Let me take a nap and I'll be okay
I'm kinda annoyed, upset, and tired
Carlyyyy Oct 2017
There’ll never be a day,
You look through my windows,
As I’ll never see through yours.
But I do love surprises.


                                             «c.h.b.»
And that’s me being a pessimist in love
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
I may have made myself a nobody,
Almost invisible to the world,
But I see the theivings and decievings
Better here, on the outside.
I could tell you what I see and hear,
But should I ask for something in return
Just show me what's on the table.
We'll be strangers until your hearts content.
I don't lead nor follow.
I stay here on the outside.
I see and hear plenty to keep me aware.


                                                «c.h.b.»
Carlyyyy Dec 2019
Just staring at this blank page,
Makes my mind crumble.
Just minutes ago I had a novel of why

I have no clue what I’m doing
My heart is fading over myself
I come first. I hope I always will.

These tears are a reminder to keep searching
To keep an opening for something special
To come and make me whole!

Love is a mystery from my mind to my heart.
I’ll be here, fall after fall...
Each rise more forgotten than the last.

                
                                            <c.h.b.>
I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to love myself completely without holes. I want to be happy.

I only cry like this in my own company. After a good bawl, I am okay.
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
When I look at the stars too long
They seem to dangle
on thin strings
Almost in arms reach.
I have to look away
And back again,
To see that they are actually light years away


                                      
                                              «c.h.b»
I didn't think too much about this and just wrote it
Carlyyyy Dec 2019
It’s easier said than done.
Words that motivate only,
on the surface.
Then what?

It’s easier said than done.
I am not you.
You are not me.
But we stand side by side.

It’s easier said than done.
Speak to me.
Not at me.
Thank you for being you.

It’s easier said than done.
Don’t push me too hard
I just might leave.


I’ll be back....

It’s easier said than done
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
I came to my senses

It took some time for me to understand even myself

I let you go and I thank you

For letting me go too

I'm better but there's sacrifices

You are backing out of yourself again

I don't know what to do

We shall continue our paths

Happiness is close by
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
Meeting my best friend whose first identity was my neighbor

A (friendly) doggo on every corner full of excitement and perhaps joining you on your walk

Feeling so confident that you know how to drive by age 13

The school, YMCA, and grocery store all down one street and up a left or down to the right

Friendly hellos and sweet compliments from fellow town members

The only thing brighter than street lights are the stars on a clear dark night

The smell of a wood stove or campfire burnin in the summer night air

The dirt roads behind the town roughed by ***** ole trucks and four-wheelers

It's not paradise but it's home to the heart
To be more specific, a town on the reservation. Home(:
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
Where did it begin?
Every generation felt an end
Perhaps a decade later
and an end never came still
What if our parents thought they could do what we think too?
Change this world.
It has changed greatly, yes
Teenage Will and Lynn chanting and crying
Fighting for rights and wills
Change is slow out there
But the change in us,
Can never be killed.
(Keep at it.
We'll get to where we dream about )
This is not exactly what I was hoping would come out but it came out so smooth and willingly. I love that happens, so Ima leave it here.
Carlyyyy Jun 2017
If I am a wanderer,
do I have to be lost?
Where did I begin,
and will I see an end?

I won't call it "the end",
but "my destination to be"
It'll make everyone feel at ease,
even me.

Plan A could have pleased
My optimism equalled my confidence
Oh, how I wish it had worked out
I concluded it to be my only way out

I didn't think of a plan B, C, or D,
I didn't make it to E through Z
I'm right back to square one
I find myself stuck and alone

My optimism will peak soon,
I will see an option or two
Right now, everything seems meaningless
And everything I did incredulous

I'm not one to drift into the wild dark
My soul, intact or wounded, craves peace.
My heart, empty or full, leads and conquers
My voice, shaky or unheard, still comes from me.

I'll get to where I long to be
But I'm back to square one
And don't know where that might be
Forgive me, if I waste time
But I need it.
I've been rejected. It's not the rejection that hurts me but the fact that I have to stay here just a little longer. I am not sure where I wanna go or what I wanna do anymore. I am gonna figure it out again.
Carlyyyy Sep 2017
She snacked when she was nervous.
He did that to her.
She has a habit of thinking too much.
A habit that caused her much pain.
She uses her voice rarely now.


Her favorite snack just so happened to be his deadly allergy.
He oh so wanted to kiss her,
Well, eventually.
His biggest fear was losing everything that is good, in his life.
A fear that originated from his childhood.
It has only grown.


Someone has to speak up for their ends to meet.



                             «c.h.b.»
Someone can always overcome their fears and turn their bad habits into good ones. Big or little. Redemption, if you would, but for yourself.
Carlyyyy Jan 2018
I want to go...
My only problem is...
I just can’t stay away.




«c.h.b»
Carlyyyy Sep 2017
Too many times to count,
I've changed
My mind.
Too many of your doubts,
Caused me to stay caged,
Disappointed to find,
Me.
    

                                      «c.h.b.»
It's like I am my own friend and enemy.
Carlyyyy Mar 2017
It's so much easier now

I can find 2 or 3 a day

It makes it easier on myself

Those reasons won't drive me away

But will help me get out

And for that, I'm thankful.
Carlyyyy Apr 2017
I'm sitting here
Thinking nonsense
Trying too hard
To write something...moving.
But nothing.

I'm jealous of those whose words
"Just Flow"
All those beautiful words & thoughts
Coming from you.
I love reading them.

Thank you(:
Just a thank you note to all you beautiful poets/people! I love you and your work! I hope to find my words one day(:
Carlyyyy May 2017
Each new day became
as predictable as the last
Harder than the last
More and more tiring
I asked myself how long
will this last?

I stand at the edge of this cliff,
Taking in what is given of nature
My whole heart thunders,
Asking me if I am fond of this beat
Hesitantly, I spoke aloud,
"I could"

Tears form a bed, beneath my eyes
Unwelcomed guests steal my breath
My heart skips and sends shivers out
Suddenly, I find myself kneeling,
The quiet half of my heart spoke,
You should let them hear our cries.

I screamed and didn't hold back
I emptied my heart and soul
As soon as I found myself light
I stood and thanked Him for this
The sun grew tired and settled
Shadows behind me, I went home
Carlyyyy Jan 2019
I hear the cry in your eyes
I feel your longing for peace

Am I as helpless as I fear you think I am?
If three syllables could move this mountain,

I’d scream it out loud,
mending our wounds,

Yours a worried soul,
Mine a unsettled heart.


<c.h.b.>
With a heavy heart, I sit here next to my grandmother, as she doesn’t want to be where she is now.
Carlyyyy Jul 2017
He says, "you seem to talk to me easily."
With a look to the floor, she smiles,
"Yeah...I can't figure out why that is."
He reached for her hand and more than just their fingers intertwined.


                                    
                                   «c.h.b»
I love love right now <3
Carlyyyy Apr 2019
I refuse to be a person you walk all over
I play roles where I’m speaking my mind
Telling you, “you don’t deserve me.
I don’t deserve you.”
I couldn’t tell you with a clear mind.
I choose to say in forth coming fog,
Thick like your head, heart and skin.
I want to make you feel hurt, my pain.
Will words do that?
Do I want this?
I was everything before you,
Without you again, I’ll be something.
Something I can no longer be afraid to be.
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
I see you.
Carlyyyy Jan 2019
I’m not quite myself this night.
Tonight, I’m fleeting.
I’m leaving.

















Jk but I want to leave.
I do truly hate all that I am.
Carlyyyy Aug 2017
She left for New York City
I told her
"Don't miss me too much."
Silence grew.
I reassured,
"We share the same sky"
She told me I was poetic


                                         «c.h.b»
I just recalled this memory of my photography mentor
Next page