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Victoria May 2018
I cant tell anybody how badly put a stop to it
I'm so alone and the only messages to register are calling me *****, horrible,disgusting,appalling,disloyal,needy,selfish
And I have never felt so alone  I have
Maybe they are right
And there is nothing fighting in me the sense that maybe they are right
And my man is too busy and too far away to save me
But for once

I don’t want to fight anymore
I want to give up
I just want the pain the tears and the mute unfeeling panic to stop
I sleep, I overeate,
I revise
I repeat
I call mum , dad, sometimes my boyfriend too
But I have no answers when they ask what is wrong why am I upset
It distresses them and that distresses me more so
Perhaps I am selfish
Maybe im willing to hurt them the most to take away this struggle
Because ive been too strong for too long
And now my desire to endure is gone.
Victoria Apr 2018
You don’t like all my love letters to you
You think true love is an unspoken feeling
I agree but
When all I can do sometimes is dream I am
With you
And you are with
The mind writes what the eyes cannot see
You tell me you want us to marry
Maybe even have a baby
Or two
Perhaps three
And so when I sleep at night
That’s what I think about
You and me
And the lonely expanse of pillow beside me
We don’t arrive alone and we are not deigned to endure this world alone,
But I will,
If I have to
Wait a year, or two or even forever
I want no other man but you
Others may be good looking or charming as well,
But the fact is that their souls do not save mine as yours has
My world will always be a little dark and a little half full I think
It helps me in many ways to live like that,
I see things, feel things that other cannot
But it also makes my path lonely more often than not
I have accepted that we may not live together for some years yet,
I have a faith as deep as my own self pity that really
We both know we shall endure
For though you are but a secret romantic prone to laughing at my un-wearisome speech skills,
I know you are scared too, by the depth of love we share. I am terrified
And that gives birth to new levels of anticipation, hope and
In this springtime of our youth, I will follow you anywhere
Seasons pass and I miss you more than I see you, but each time the first blossom buds or the first pair of birds build a nest in the tree, I think of my other half, and hope that someday us two will be together, and maybe two will make a euphoric three.
Victoria Mar 2018
Once I was afraid to speak my mind on hard topics to you
Afraid it would break us
But for so long  I struggled, gave in, apologised
But no more
I tire of excuses
Pull yourself together
Make me feel loved
Make me feel appreciated
I know I am
But I need
You to show it
Question it but never leave that unfulfilled or you will lose me
I adore you more than all others
But I will not stand for you to throw that love in my face
There is only so much loneliness I can endure before I crack
So yes,
I seem emotional,
Over the top
But never doubt that I love you
and it is that love which, if left unattended
makes me sad
Sometimes I hate the way you treat me
But I could never hate you
I want to always be with you,
But I do not always wish to be ignored in favour of the lads, or the family
But I can understand it ,until we are alone
And when we are
I expect nothing but you. For I will be nothing but me
And it is at that time we combine to make
Pull yourself together and
I cant lose you , but I don't want to sacrifice my own self respect in order to keep you
So remind me of Turkey and of the UAE
There's so much to remember sometimes- find the words,
I know you feel it but
the actress in me needs to hear it
Baby you gotta help me out and just
Show me. I cant be left alone when I am meant to be yours.
I did not consent to loving a man at the expense of being me
I love you, and I always will.
So Show me.
I'm not asking for bouquets, or emojjis or expensive dinners.
Just you.
Holding me.
Being mine
and yours being me, too.
Victoria Oct 2017
I had a dream last night. Started off the same.
About grandad. It started normal, childlike, playing on the cliff with the dogs and uncle pete with the wind blowing I could hear myself laughing, mum and dad and anne in the pub across the water…I saw my face and I was maybe five, six, pigtails and a huge grin chasing after moss the border collie. But then something changed, the view of the very air itself seemed to become hyper clear, the sky became a little darker, heavier. I looked back to where grandad had been watching , and instead, there was nobody, I looked to my uncle and he was turned towards his two little girls girls  running off into the distance laughing, following my aunt. I looked around me and behind me there was you.
I saw us on that cliff path above the water and the sun was beginning to set behind us, shinig gold off the clay, there were bees above the heather and the waves crashed below us. I looked round for mum and dad and they were far off but they were there, dad had his arm around mum outside the pub, they were laughing, they looked happy talking to anne and the new husband.
But I didn’t know where grandad was. I wanted him to see all of this, to see how happy mummy finally was to see how uncle p had turned his life around… to see how I had grown up.. to meet you.
I wanted him to know me now… instead in the distance , almost out of sight I see him… walking up the path back to the village, the two dogs strolling beside him, his walking stick helping him up the road.
And I realised then… I am not that little girl anymore, things have changed irrevocably..but maybe that’s ok. Then I turned to you, you put your arm round me and we looked out to see as the sun sunk into its inky sea.
Bit rambling but so vivid to me
Victoria Oct 2017
I miss who I used to be
I'm scared of the future
terrified of the past but I miss
Me in times gone past
I want happiness and simplicity
Like I had when I thought it was all for free
In plain, in short, in simple
I miss the essence of being able to just
Victoria Aug 2017
I cant decide

If The glass is half full when the new days light shines upon its overtly placid liquid or
if ,when the day closes, the sun disappears behind the earths watery curves,  and
the rain sets in-
The glass is
half emptier still than I could ever have
Do I plunge into the pessimists view, emersing myself in what little water rests with melodies, prolonged and sore?
Am I a lone stray in this world -
but cold and in the dark?
Or am I a weak herd animal,
Easy pray for the few who see the potential for development as yet unrealized within me?
Am I special and singular or am I  leading an overly dramatic existence ,
in  no way truly- different?
What am I still after all these years searching for?
Found Love,
Had Friends
Still got a few
Made the family happy
And after the acne mends what then? what do I really have to complain about
and yet
I feel too much and nothing all at once
Theres only so much Dido and Del Rey you can relate to before you start to question
Am I normal to feel this way? and
if so
Is normal something I am prepared to be?
To all those awaiting exam results right now, dealing with an uncertain future- and to those alone in their own heads with no comfort from their own deep self analysis.
Victoria Aug 2017
Whats it all really about
Why are we here
Why are we all so driven, so desperately violent when
There is but one certainty
In the whole of lifes continum-
Its end.
Exhaustive questions and berating theories have me deep in
Self reflective madness
But any expression, any writing - any cry - is that but a reflection of Our precociously ill conceived time
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