The rudest awakening,
Alarm clock beckons.
From bliss to reality,
in two nasty seconds.

Early winter mornings,
an unnatural time.
So dark and depressing
is this great British clime.

The air is freezing.
The heating is broken.
It's to this Baltic *******,
that I am awoken.

Skin's hypersensitive
and lights are too bright.
Noises too noisy,
Take me back to the night.

Forced out of bed,
and all just for money.
But as everyone knows,
no money, no honey.

What a ******* *******,
you really ******* are.
If ***** were made from hydrogen,
you'd be a ******* star!

Fuel for ******* hatred,
Burning without end.
Ensconced by ******* vacuum,
because you've got no ******* friends.

The reason I don't like you,
let me put it into words.
You're a prat, a drain and a hypocrite,
a ****** characterless ****.

You talk,  you talk, you ******* talk
But you never say a thing.
You think that you give speeches
Like Dr. Martin Luther King.

But you don't because your boring,
You bore us all to tears.
Ruining every social event,
by banging on for years.

Bla bla ******* bla bla bla,
your monotone drones on.
You're in love with the sound of your own voice,
while we just want you gone.

So pack your **** up in your soapbox,
And turn your answer machine on.
Then ******* back to snoresville,
or wherever the *******'re from.

Penguins painted pink,
peacefully practising pragmatic pebble placement.
Perfectly pointy piles, please!

Profoundly pious Pandas ponder pancreatic problems,
predict potential palsy.
Prognosis? Perilously poor.

Pale porpoises proudly plunge purple pools,
placidly pasturing petrified plankton.
Poor protozoans perish.

Portly, paunchy, plumpish, porcine, porky pigs
populate putrid puddles,
Pulverizing pumpkin pies.

Purposely Prickly porcupines pursue palatable plants,
pin-pointing precisely.
Puce petunias preferred.

Pill popping puppet people perpetuate planetary perdition,
pardon profuse pollution.
Pretentious ******.

Like a guilty dog looking
at a chewed discarded shoe.
You amused me,
I used you.

Did I have to tear you?
Did I really have a choice?
I knew I didn't care for you
or the bla bla of your voice.

Now I drink and start to think,
I must be more than this.
Breaking young and hopeful hearts
with just "I'll call you" and a kiss.

With this card, I'd like to say,
A Happy Birth and Father's Day!
To a brilliant father and a friend,
whom I must drive round the bend.

Fifty-eight years, you've been alive.
Protecting me for thirty-five.
And without you, I can easily say,
I wouldn't be the man I am today.

So live it up for a couple of days
and do things that make you smile.
Then get some flights to Chiang Mai booked,
and we'll live it up Thailand Style!