Canvas bag, swinging
As we walk,
The thousand voices
Singing together, screaming
But never loud enough
Never loud enough to stay above water
On our own here
It’s an ocean we used to play in,
Don’t assume I was always a strong swimmer
I never learned to slow down,
Now I’ve stopped moving and can’t
Seem to start again
Keep up, keep up,
Can I really separate myself from the moment
When everyone ran ahead,
And someone collapsed, unbreathing
Can you imagine what would have happened
If no-one had waited for us,
Would we still be in that forest,
Screaming for help
While she was unable to even
Open her eyes,
Everyone tells me I can forget,
But how can I,
When I haven’t even seen her face since that day?
Still, I sit here in silence,
I’ll tell her story another day,
But for now,
The ocean’s feeling a little lonely,
And someone said that others had been here before
Didn’t he say that the ocean was full?
I wonder if I’ll ever meet my fellow dying.

Sitting for hours, now we sit once again
We're waiting for guests
When only hours before, we slept in tents
Now it's the clock showing the time
And not stars
Now we eat at a table,
Now the heat's all around us
Now we throw silk cloths
Where before we had rocks
And I wonder how this is meant for beginners
As an expert finding this harder

Ah, there's the ticking sound
I haven't heard in years
Here's the subtle chill
That lets me find comfort in nothing but a t-shirt
This room with a view,
When was the last time I slept here?
I've only had one good night's sleep
How quickly will I adjust to the heat?
Wait for family to arrive
Heavier and hurting are my eyes
Now when was the last time
I called this place
"Home"?

Violence plays over the headset
Disguised as love
Keep your head ******* on
Looking down from above
And I'll wait for the lines
To shrink, with my anxiety
Keeping my eyes from the map
I'll look up and I'll sigh
Always a better
Singer than writer,
No dancer, you're a fighter
Scribbled messages written in a language
You might as well have made up
Red pen, endless ciphers
Scratched on loose leaves
Black triangle, purple stripes
So eager to please
We're leaving in an hour
Someone coughs, they can't breathe
Just run through the play in your head
About the different families all needing to grieve
Just remember your lines
Just remember all the scenes
Just hope her leg gets better
So you won't be forced to leave

If I was looking for beauty
I wouldn't look in the mirror.
If I wanted to see a pretty perfect face
I'd look at some cousin's old dolls.

If I was looking for perfection,
A face unspoiled and clean
There would be a thousand places I could look
But I will never look at myself

If I'm looking in the mirror,
I'm looking at an injury
Or a stain,
Or a wound
I never see anything remotely beautiful in the mirror
Not unless someone's standing next to me
And it's funny,
People have called me beautiful before
Only for me to snort so loudly
For me to laugh in genuine confusion
And sarcastically agree.
I don't call myself modest
I'm simply asking for honesty
I've never cared about
What my face looks like
How ugly I am
or how pretty I'm not
Surely, there's something more important
To compliment someone with
All a face is
Is a way to recognise a friend
All a body is
Is how to describe the guests to expect

The only disadvantage to not caring
Is that I doubt I'd care
If something were truly wrong.

Were you scared,
Were you thinking clearly,
When you clearly believed that I was not,
Did anyone but you think to look twice,
At this eroded shell I lock in a vice,
Because I was half-dead when you asked me last
Whether I'd crossed a line to a black world,
Silver steel sharp threshold and ****** blue keys
And you're the only one who checks that I'm not planning to go
So I've convinced myself you're the only one who'd notice

Even though I know
I know that's not entirely true
But noticing is different to giving a ****

No, I take it back, I can't do this today,
I thought I could maybe get stronger but
I can't,
Get me out,
Get me out,
Please let me out,
Let me out of this, this, this
Nightmare, daydream, mind, body,
These clothes, this building,
This fear of death, this struggle of living...

I'm watching her play games on her phone and I'm smiling.

What can I say, of the creatures I do not remember,
Ambling without form or face or shape?
I know it's beautiful to see,
to listen

How much can I tell you, of the world I've yet to write?
The undulation of waves lapping at eroded shores,
The stars dancing through the sky in showers,
And a thousand tongues stolen,
by the wave of a hand over a
    crystal ball

Escapism is an interesting thing,
You sound so alive when you tell me of
   chemistry in all its
       deadliest forms,
Teach me about suffocation,
or the desert of blue sand & burning rain

Let me show you a new kind of beauty,
The nonsensical,
   undeliberate,
       Unpolished,
           Nothingness
Emptiness has its own beauty,
Just watching everyone else
fill in the gaps

That's where the fun lies,
   I find

Climb this mountain,
Don't tell her what her voice is

Climbing, I don't say,
When she calls out, she's joking,
She's not talking to me,
But if I imagine she is,
Watch me sprint up.

This euphoria,
I've only felt it once before,
When I was called little brother,
And these two words embraced me
So small, yet holding so much,
She might have been joking,
But what I heard was
I hear you,
And I almost cried

Now, climbing,
I don't say
I don't tell her what her voice means
I doubt she remembers
What I whispered in urgent tones that day
Because I know she isn't talking to me,
When she calls to the boy,
I know she's talking to
the real boy,
But when I heard her,
I soared up the cliff,
Exhaustion from the hours before
Suddenly gone
And I could run, like
Any boy could have,
Now I find myself dreaming
That she might mean it one day,
I find myself dreaming
That the boy she was talking to,
Really talking to,
Might mean it one day...

White shirt, grey lining,
Cotton and spandex binding
This skin, to make me feel whole
You can see I'm half-alive,
My demise I fantasise
Your restrictions are a chain on my soul
I know what my needs are,
Despite your laments.
This second skin will see me through
Your baseless arguments

Don't try to explain to me
All the ways I'm due to burn
Because I've seen enough of that
In this world alone
And I should know,
I don't need your help
Your king will march me into hell himself
And I will greet you at those fiery gates
It seems neither of us could rise above our hate
When my people enter, I will greet them all by name
See, our circles hold a special kind of fame

Among the lucky ones,
Blue, pink and white
We'll be torn apart if they see us,
So it's easier to hide
But how do you hide when your disguise
Is a poison, a pain so deep?
An uphill Battle, hauling lead,
Why D'you think so many accept defeat?
Don't deny us our medication
You're causing more asphyxiation
I have but one consolidation:
That this is my problem
And not yours

Listen to the birds in the morning
Take advantage while it's still cold outside
Go for a walk,
A run,
Just to leave the house
Before the day hits 40
Your eyes still droop
But you ignore the pain in your legs
That came from lack of use
The songs in your head
Replace them
From the bittersweet and violent
To celebration and victory
As you lie in your bed
Thoughts still racing
With the battles in another story
That isn't yours anymore
Right now
You haven't seen the sky so blue
In so long
It hasn't felt like autumn in months
So go out
While this world
Is still cold enough to hold you

Twisting, twirling,
green, brown and grey -
light filters through a world created by
strangled symphonies, wars
recreated
On a stage in front of the arena,
lurking in the rafters, we are forbidden to watch
as twisting, steel frames roll
In a showcase of
"bravery".
White gowns cloak angelic golden chords,
The heat rises,
soldiers climb silk structures,
fleeing the beautiful horror below them.
We sit in darkness & observe the
Green light enveloping these
Incredible & untethered artists,
Flowers forming and breaking and shattering,
Scattering,
Everything so bright,
So bright,
and though each of us is only following
& though we have seen this now four times over,
We still donate each,
our tiny golden strings
To support those
suspended in great cages,
each knowing how this will continue &
having to pretend they do not -
Green & Brown & Grey
Light twisting, dappled & distorted
As it reveals a scene -
A war, turned into a twirling dance

A fear begins to take hold,
Uncertainty,
As the surrounding crowd
Settles into their places,
Unaware of the transfixing magic
they will soon see -
Thousands of golden strings
Twist together,
We prepare in
Near-silence,
And then we raise them -
A string on its own, weak,
But with one hand each,
One torch, one voice,
Across the thousands of us,
Suspends the observers below.

I don’t remember
I don’t remember
No one can remember who she is.
Didn’t this happen before?
White corridors, shopfronts, pink and yellow...
Didn’t this happen before?
I don’t remember
Turning around and, what happened?
She fell, everyone was screaming, and
Someone joked about it the next day

Wait, didn’t this happen months ago?
Why can I remember this conversation?

Why can’t I remember this conversation?

I don’t feel right.

She grabbed a chair. That’s new.
The person talking about it,
He’s wearing a hat.
That, that I remember
Why do I remember this?
Why don’t I remember this?
You’d think I’d remember this

Laughing,
I remember laughing,
Someone laughing,
I remember where I was,
But I wasn’t even there this time
i remember this room,
Or some room that looks the same,
I wasn’t sitting here,
I was standing over there
I don’t remember,
I don’t remember,
The memory is leaving me before I can focus
I saw a face,
I heard laughter,
That poor woman,
I don’t want to remember.

Bright red badge says "panic"
Pin it to your chest,
A glowing little crest
Of all their comments,
All their lies
Hide beneath a hood,
Convince yourself it looks
More neutral like this
Coz it's too early in the morning
I'm too tired to imitate
A deeper voice

Raise your demi-demi-god into the sky,
Follow him, follow her, follow them

I never realised we belonged
To the inside
Of the other side
Help your friends hide
In the centre.
"Boy", "Girl",
Taunting yourself in the mirror

Raise your demi-demi-god into the sky,
Follow him, follow her, follow them
Keep walking, honey,
You thought we were just
Following blind
We've stumbled into that ditch before
It's a long way down
Well, we're here for good now, right?

Pray to every diety
That stupid story
Won't play out again,
Can't let it play out again
Well at least she'd know, they'd know,
At least they don't take thieves
For showmen

The skull scribbled on paper
Turned into a tapestry
Of insanity
Look at blank canvas
Stop thinking and just
Draw
When you look again,
It's split in half
With demonic grin
And crying false smiles

Red and orange
Glowing eye
Music coloured in grey
Diamonds in the sky
Covered in leaches that
Distort them into
Water tinted blue
Dried out broken lungs
Brown from lack of air
A little fire starts
And something red
Drips
From the teeth
Of this demon

Blacked out
Closed eye
Crying
But still grinning
Blue and green
Twist and entertwine
A little monster in the corner
With a horrific face
Flipped upside-down
To make a smile?

"Insane" written in purple
Splashed across its face
Breathe out
Look at what you've
Created

Broken, shattered, replying with silence& shrugs to Earnest enquiries,
Surprised when my handwriting doesn't look indecipherable
I find myself talking to
The one person here who doesn't reply with "I feel the same".
Because,
How many broken parts can swim together
In this ocean notorious for drowning little lost boys & girls & neithers?

I'm having the same breakdown she is...
You'd think I'd be able to help her.
The realisation that I can't sets in &
There follows the waves and currents
That twist around me, drag me by the ****** wrists down,
And my head submerges before I get a chance to scream -
"Worthless; Idiot; *******; Someone, **** me" I am drowning,
Someone, help me...

I do not signal.
I watch, as she is crowded into recovery -
By the people who have worth,
Who do not lose their voices in times like these.
I make no sign as she swims to the shallow end,
As she talks about her dreams,
The future she wants,
She will have.
And I am happy for her.

She does not know she must have pulled me in deeper with her thrashing,
And so I remain silent
So as not to pull her in again.
If silence is violence,
As we all know it is,
We must all have convinced ourselves
That we are each,
Individually,
The only exception.

Rusty steel mesh barricade covered in faded yellow paint,
Great metallic rumbling & click-click-click-click of the train behind us,
Then
The world is still -
      A near-silent buzz fills the air,
Over the railing, the trickle of a dying river runs down the step,
The violet bushes overgrow the banks,
Great trees, thin & leaning
Reach from the waters &
Drip with the dead pears, black sleeping bodies of bats -

As the sun dips to sleep in the furry trees beyond,
Wings rustle,
Orange furry scarves appear &
Chattery cries echo off the water,
Loud & steady beats of leathery black wings erupt
Snouts calling, laughing, shadows taking off into the dimming sky.

Deep & Growling,
Softly,
Taking steps that
Start to accelerate -
A tiptoe starts to become a sprint,
Through grass & dark overhanging branches,
desperation fills the lungs & red water,
Until a stone, something low turns a
Steady foot ******,
And sprint turns into
dead
halt

The air is cold
I missed this.
The amber glowing glares at my back,
Its glowering concern of my travels
Dipping slowly below the horizon

I forgot this magic
The "wrong" adventures,
The temporary gold of sunlight
Wavering before distant storm clouds

I can't wait for this gathering
After the sun has set,
My peers and "children" singing softly
Away from dangerous homes,

I've missed
Walking away
From the safety of a home
At sunset

So, you ask,
How would I explain it?
Well certainly, as something
Not fun.
It's like...
It's like carrying a leach around with you.
When I walk, I can feel it,
It is a dead weight on my chest,
******* the life from my arms,
Making my hands and face slender,
What should be full and strong
It's like...
It's like when you're sick to your stomach.
That feeling of tar in your gut,
But instead of being isolated, it's everywhere
Throughout your body,
It makes you feel sick everywhere.

This is how I explain dysphoria:
Have you ever looked in the mirror,
And wanted to just rip all your hair out?
When a bad hair day gets out of hand,
Have you ever felt the need to just start over?
Even when you tear out a clump of hair
And your scalp looks raw and a little ******,
But you keep going anyway,
Just to get rid of that stupid haircut?
...no?
Alright, how about,
When you're watching the outtakes of a 3-D animated movie,
the scenes that have "gone wrong",
When the girl's eyes are far too big and pop out of her face,
Her arms are disconnected from her chest,
Her head moves but her teeth do not,
And you just want to scream "DELETE IT!"
Because it's obvious that someone has ******* up here,
And this nightmare, this fever dream
Is not what they intended their creation to look like.

Alright, well have you ever
Done a pencil drawing?
And you've put a lot of time and effort into it,
You're so proud,
This is one of your best works,
But something about it is just off?
You might not be able to tell what it is,
This will bother you for a long time,
You will spend hours on end thinking
About what exactly separates this piece of art from everything else,
What it is that keeps it from perfection...
Until suddenly one day, you realise,
You notice exactly what's wrong,
You grab an eraser to fix your mistake
But then, oh no
Your eraser was *****,
And when you tried to rub out that single wonky line,
You leave a huge black smudge across your paper
And now there's no way to get rid of it
All your work on this piece, ruined,
And you're really upset,
You were so proud of this drawing,
It was so close to being perfect,
It could have been so beautiful,
It was almost perfect, but now...

But now, it's wrong.
It just looks wrong
It just IS wrong,
It wasn't meant to look like this
I am trying to explain as simply as I can
That this body is wrong,
That it wasn't meant to look like this,
That it wasn't meant to BE like this!
Don't you understand?
This is how I explain dysphoria:
Have you ever looked in the mirror
And wanted to just rip your chest out?
Do you ever see your body, your parts seeming broken,
Your chest, legs, hear the sound of your voice
And just scream "DELETE IT!"
Because it's obvious that someone
Has ******* up
Someone was using a ***** eraser
When they created me, erased me,
And they've left smudges, mistakes, that I
Cannot get rid of,
And however hard I try to pretend
That I don't care,
I do,
And I still feel the need to erase them.
These leaches that I carry around,
They drain me,
And I was so proud of myself
I,
This body...

It could have been so beautiful

This is not flying -
This beauty I should have known.
I have never flown.

I never flew.
I fell.

This ocean you describe, I once knew,
Supposed happiness and love
enveloping emotions...

No.

I was drowning,
I never learned to swim,
I buried myself
in the ocean floor
& convinced myself it was happiness.

The saltwater
filled my lungs,
so when the ocean finally left me I froze alone
on the rocks

I have not flown.
I did not swim.
I have fallen,
I have drowned.

Outside, a gale is blowing
You tell yourself,
"I'm safe in here"
When you know you're leaving tomorrow
Find yourself wondering,
Will it be a breath of
Fresh air at last?
Or will it just be
Another attack on your lungs,
Another series of spasms in your arms
In your legs,
In 5 hours of being trapped
In a white metal box
Will you be as fine as you have over the years?
Or will you break
As you did only
Days ago?
Breathe deep before closing your eyes
See, again, procrastinating to sleep
Just to trick youreslf into
Thinking the morning's come slower
A blue fan covered in flowers
A keychain with a silver skull
You've never had a problem
With being in your own world
But what happens if
They take you out
Put you
In the spotlight
When you're busy hiding behind a book
Coz you don't mind attention
When you're dressed for the stage
But lately, you've been dragged to performances
In your PJ's
And people wonder why you start panicking
People wonder why you got nothing to say
People think, "What do you mean, you're not ready? -
"Aren't you supposed to be the confident one?"

Me, I'd love to go
Take me anywhere
Take me anywhere but here
Coz I flicker between these
Two locations
Can you let me exist somewhere else
Give me the excuse I need
To get away
Screams,
Turn them into music
Silence
Into white noise
Anything's better
Coz solitude's only so great
In the same place every time
So give me places
Places I can know
And love
Give me scenes I can memorise
And let become part of me
Coz I've got these two locations
I flicker between them
These two states of mind
I flicker between them
I'm asleep
Or I'm running
Give me another place
In my mind and
In the world
Sister, take me
Ride our pink and blue bikes
Any manner of places
Coz you know the city back-to-front
And me,
I flicker
But when you take me
I've got something new
And I've got another state of mind
Coz stress can become excitement
Coz running can become dancing
Coz sleeping can become laughing
If you know how
If you know where
And if you stop yourself
From flickering
Between two worlds
That just
Feel
The same.

As I sit, slouched over,
Lady in the black dress tells me,
Sit up
Breathe in slow, now
Into the cup full of water,
The fog in plastic
Like the fog in my head,
Remember what they keep saying,
Someone thinks they're hated
And you don't have the words to correct them
So let that poor boy
Walk away, rejection
Like poison in his heart
Remember my nickname was "poison"
Left arm is limp and dead,
It hurts to pick up anything
Rise and lean on the table,
No,
Don't touch anything
Leeches on your chest,
And everyone keeps noticing,
"My girl"
And the words echo in
A hollow plastic mind
Filled with fog as the water is drained
Hair pulled back or hanging over the eyes
Well either way will stop your breathing
People keep asking, "are you okay"
And lies are just so easy,
Too easy,
Mumble in as many words,
Fine, it's fine,
Pray to hell they don't tell her
She can't know, can't know
Brings you to tears just
Thinking about forcing as many lies again
I'll look in the mirror but won't say,
I don't say "smudged drawing" or "failed graphics",
I see dead weight,
I beg them,
Don't make me take this off,
Don't force me to look at all,
Please

From cold blankets I hear the drizzle,
The raindrops making tinny clangs on the roof,
My sleep interrupted by forgotten tasks.
I get up.
Ghosts fly outside my bedroom window,
Whispering -
"What have you forgotten? You're awake before the sun again,
You look so cold !"

Scampering down the stairs and scrambling to take
Dampening clothes off the line
In the cold morning air,
Ghosts lay on the table, cats
Slinking around the *** plants,
Completely unhelpful,
Echoing a voice that shouldn't be present,
Be quiet, stay out of my head

I suppose I'm awake now

I sit inside, trying to clear my head of the fog dripping heavily outdoors,
Ghosts stand in the doorway,
Glowing because I forgot to turn off the kitchen light -
"You forgot, you forgot
Now why are you hiding?"
I have to laugh now -
Why would I hide unless I was scared?
I didn't hide,
I tried,
I tried so hard not to hide,
Yet my efforts fell upon blind,
Oblivious and unseeing, unknowing eyes,
That's hardly my fault now, is it?

"You're scared, in this empty house-"
No.
I am alone, but this is my home
Now get out of my mind,
You have no place here.

Seventeen-year old boy
With oestrogen caught in his chest,
With flags that he wears like a crest,
Defining his torture with pink and blue stripes
Boy,
Hiding in plain sight

Sixteen year old "girl",
Asked what she wants for her birthday,
Lost for words, she has nothing to say
"On my birthday I want to not
Feel dysphoria" Replies filled with sighs and a nod
Girl,
Faking her smiles,
Pretending she's fine
When she hears the word "Girl"

Ten year old "boy",
He's sick of hearing the difference,
Sick of the snickers and whispers that call him
"Tomboy"
As if he's only half-trying
As if he doesn't hide, crying,
He doesn't know who he is,
But he's sick of criticisms
Because
He's not girly enough,
But not boyish enough,
And everyone insists, one day you'll grow up
And you'll be a real girl
A n d  
           I
Was, for a while,
I learned how to smile,
With genuine contentment, I thought
I am enough...

But then I grew up.

Too early, too early,
Just always too early,
Time away
From the pull of her hands

I miss you, I'll see you
Sooner than agreed to,
Because I'm desperate
To be away from her hands

Give me time,
Just away from her hands

The slime of her hands
On my skin,
And under it
The smell of her sands
In my brain,
And echoed it's
Insane
Of me to run,
Hiding from all of her
Half-cared and throwaway
Stares,
Mind,
She wouldn't give a ****
Less

Too early, too early,
I couldn't be
Home today
Need to wait,
For anyone to arrive
I'm a ghost, fallen out of time

Her Struggle, My Struggle
The problems I left in another world
And the pieces I see her picking up
I can’t help but wonder where we differ.

Her struggle,
Games where you run, learning
To stop hiding,
To be proud and to
Love all of them.

My struggle,
Staying on top, remembering
To keep breathing
To stay strong and to
Stay hidden.

Her struggle, My struggle
The problems she faces in her world
And the pieces I fail to pick up
It’s hard to see where we differ.

Her struggle,
Walking to a school getting worse by the day
Not noticing the world fall apart around her
To stay calm isn’t
An option,
It’s a necessity she doesn’t
Know.

My struggle,
Walking to a school getting harder by the day
Painfully aware of the breaking world around us
To stay calm isn’t
Ideal, but
It’s a painful necessity
I know.

Her struggles, My struggles.
Her life, My life.
Her love, My love.
And I can’t help but wonder where we might differ.

A black jacket
Studded with brass
We joke I can't hide
If I wear it,
I'll sparkle
So we
Split into teams
I run and hide
It's dark but we
All have torches,
Two minutes on the clock
Here's a good spot
An open field
Come closer,
Get down, they'll see you
Get closer to the line of trees
They all yell, "we're coming!"
And we creep, quiet
Behind the bush,
Get down!
As lights shine through the leaves
We hold our breath
And I wait for my jacket
To give us away
But they walk off
To look somewhere else
We come out
They think we're lost
All laugh
And now it's your turn,
Lights off,
A hundred and twenty seconds
Time starts now

Tick, tick,
Down, down,
the watch beeps
On the hour,
Every hour,
I always hear it,
I go to bed at nine,
And can hear it counting,
Ten,
Eleven,Twelve
One,
Two,
ThreeFourFive
Now I have to wake up in an hour and a half,
I didn’t sleep,
Should I have done something instead?
Maybe done that essay,
Or finished those slides,
I have so much work to do
But I’m stuck inside
My own head, filled with
This fog of exhaustion
And confusion,
Why can’t I just
Fall
        A
               s
                     l
                               e              
                                           e
                                                               p
Instead of
Purgatory in my bed,
But I’m so dreading the upcoming hell
There’s a part of me that
Wants to stay awake,
Live through the hours
Because I’m not skipping ahead
Like a game, I don’t
Skip the night
Since there are things to do, right?
But I’m not even doing anything
Useless pictures fill my head,
Impossible to put into words,
Fantasies of a history
That never was,
A future that never will be
A creature, almost human,
Glowing with a white light,
With a voice that echoes,
Electronic and demonic
Keeping me awake,
My god, why can’t I dream properly,
In half-remembered fragments
Like my living nightmares
All seem to be...

Turning the alarm off at 6:30,
I realise I haven’t slept at all
I groan and roll over
Then get up.
We have work to do.

They've always made me anxious,
I don't know how they work,
& The sun is impossibly golden,
Sinking with hope, eternally out of reach.
I can't
I can
Breathe

I can't
I can
Do this

I don't know
Don't need to know
Where I'm going

I'm going to get
On the ******* bus
And I'm not going to panic