For days I've been unable to write poetry and someone told me I should just write something...

This is me writing 'something'.
I hate writing about this situation but I'm purging.

Lol, all I wanted was mutuality but even in the brightest of times, it was mission impossible. Seems a bit foolish of me to have invested basically my all into someone so ...transparent. The lies and deception dripping like wet paint off of her giving the reflection of a colored person was visible to everyone but me ...to me she was still transparent. From the start, I made a promise to myself never to succumb to any negative forces interfering with what was supposed to be a 'Nirvana'. I still remember the tedious efforts of sneaking to her window. I still remember everything we did and her lips still feel close to mine ...for now. My retrogression occurs once again. Tomorrow, her name will no longer be locked onto my tongue, no longer stitched onto my heart. Instead, her name will do nothing but damage what was once whole but it's fine because tomorrow there'll be another. Tomorrow your name will be '****** from my lips ensuring it never comes back up'. Tomorrow, what was once so sacred between us won't be so sacred. Tomorrow it begins; tomorrow I regress.

You see,  I'm no dummy. Somewhere between the lines of
loving me too little
and
not loving me at all,
you found a bucket of lies with my name on it and you fed em to me until  even you succumbed to the deception. Luckily, you caught yourself so can I really blame you for what you did?
You say I play the 'victim'? I am a 'victim'.
a victim of being cheated on, lied to, played and rode like the donkey jesus sat on lol ...just a little humor to ease the level of despondency.
im a victim of tragedy.

Do you even know how it feels to be so happily in love with someone? so confident that someone is yours just yours and then watch that person willingly get swept off their feet and out of your life? never have i ever felt so confident that someone was mine and all mine, someone i could love and trust...
You won't ever understand how I felt that night.
...sitting there with the biggest smile on my face and the warmest heart ...then your neck.
I didn't just see a 'purple bloom' my dearest love. I saw my life flash before my eyes, I knew you were no longer mine for on your neck you were branded and you walked proudly with it. With your branded neck you stood there proudly and confident in yourself. ****, i hate you. you stood there smiling a smile that was no longer just for me. You stood there and kissed my cheek...if only I had known the devaluation of that kiss. You held my hands but if only I knew that those hands were not too long ago wrapped around and lustfully attached to another.

Although my way of getting over you isn't right, I'm **** sure it'll work. You want me to share you. That's what you want and I should've expected it from the 'first occurrence'. You want to be in the middle and who am I to judge? I'm just stuck, maybe? I'm no fool. I've done my wrongs and I've kept my secrets from you but in no way have I came remotely close to doing this to you. I stood by you through every hurricane, sheltering you. How is it that it's so easy for you to be apart from me? All I wanted was to be secure but you're so immature and can't even secure yourself, check your wrists.

I sincerely wish you the best. Disregarding all my bitter thoughts, I do hope you're happy.

scars of a past I wanted nothing to do with
led me to handcuff myself
to a lampole for security.

I had reached my consensus.

I threw the keys to these cuffs
in mental portals where I thought
no one would dare to ever travel.

Many tried searching
but I intentionally
obstructed access
with deceptive rants of fear and caution.

By then
I was sure
that I had thoroughly built walls of security;
I was safe
...but who would've thought
my aesthetically intellectual design
had a weakness?

The enemy came just as they all did,
hoping to be let in...
but this one reacted differently when the ranting came;
I was now at a disadvantage
because I had no other alternatives for defense.

The enemy showed no care for my security;
It was attractive
And I succumbed while
Never forgetting my plan
Although it seemed my design was nugatory.

My mental lampole and cuffs,
gone.

I was left subjugated
at the feet of a queen
who carried an aura
with the most beautiful spectrum.

Like a bull snake,
promises of security
grappled my core,
draining it of all fear
leaving behind no traces
of deception.

Although defeated,
she still remains my enemy
because serendipity
never seems to stick around.

embedded in the most tenebrous corner of my mind,
harlequin memories of serendipity,
dripping like bittersweet wine,
tantalize me,
begriming what was once an unsoiled canvas.

engulfed in my despondency,
I repose homely
until my mind's taste-buds
savor the saccharine flavors
of its own derisive thoughts.

aroused to say the least,
my mind's libido is now being satisfied.
I lie here,
welcoming all that my thoughts and epiphanies have to offer.
I am unable to disclose what's bestowed to me
but that's irrelevant.

My mind is here...
and open
and anticipating
the pleasing rush
of these thoughts that venture through my head.

The pleasure is overwhelming,
forcing my chakras open
as my ajna awakens from its long slumber.

I crave this foreplay
and I plead with the universe
to make it never-ending
but it seems my cries fall upon deaf ears
and I'm left open-minded
and unfinished.