You amaze me
in the most unappetizing way
my heart stops and my stomach growls
you'd think I just consumed something nasty

on the contrary you just called my name

the thought of burning my ears is a good 2sec thought

we can't talk like this
it never could happen
you and I conversing

my head hurts just by taking in your liquor perfume
from here on out I'm gone
I'm a walking zombie
For the safety of my soul I made sure it's locked away

If I can ignore your hurtful words
then freedom is in my grasp
the irritating part is when you turn
you set a trap for me
attacking yourself
putting words in my mouth

guilt use to kick in right about then
you would win in an instant
and I'd feel like ****

but that is what use to be
now I know better
than to let you get to me
cause of you I'm stronger
...colder...harder...

all your words now go in one ear and out another

The best words I every heard were be true to you
be yourself
that's all you can do
there's no point in being someone else

Second best words I ever heard is just one word
that word is no
no no no
you cant ever be afraid to just say no
let no one guilt you to utter the other word

Third best words I ever heard are just two words
speak out loud
ask the question
speak your mind
don't be afraid to just speak..

Breath Breath
Force yourself to breath
You'll throw up your guts
if you keep coughing enough
your throat gets dry
your heart is racing with fear
stop shaking girl
you'll get nowhere from there
tell your stomach to stop
close your eyes like this
breath in and out
just breath my dear.

my heart simply wont survive
that's what they all say
from ages 12 to 70
everyone swears by love

trust me
broken into a thousand pieces
it will still beat
you may cry at night
pray for it to stop
even plot to take your own life

but it still beats

it beats to remind you that your alive
that this is the bittersweet part of life
to have a heart

with each painful thump
a tear will fall
for days, weeks and most likely
months

can you die from a broken heart
i do believe that
you don't have to be older either
not for pain like that...

Finally the flames catch
I can feel the warmth on my bare legs
still I stand there
watching the memorizing flames
dancing over a pile of very small trash

they spread from note to note
turning it a rustic brown
to a haunting dark black

notes I've had since Jr.High
childhood
when father time and the grim reaper weren't in my head

each containing sweet words
petty thoughts
and feelings meant to last forever

trash now.

I don't need them anymore
one is taking forever to burn
it's been folded so many times
it reads Warning: spelling bad inside

Warning
Warning
Warning
I like to watch it burn

you have her
your first love

or so you told her
everything I need now
my mind holds

In the back of my mind
is a grave stone for your soul

good times are long gone
our friendship came to an end
I have no ties now
It's just me in the end

the flames begin to burn out
nothing but remains
once was black
now dark gray
and then ash white.

Only when I close my eyes am I free

free to let my fingers float over the keys

the keys, the keys

the magical piano keys

each note making an imprint in my mind

an imprint of you

dancing with you slowly in the moonlight

an audience of stars watching our every move

hearing your heart beat next to mine

I'm playing for you honey

each melody

each note drifting in the air

I'm coming alive

finally I'm free...

Come dance with me
accompany me by the sea
let the waves flow upon the shore
feel the chilly water run over your feet

see that sand crab there?
it sees you.

Perhaps it knows your secrets too.

But it doesn't matter
he wont tell
but I will
if you wont come dance with me

the night is young
the moon is bursting with light
every shimmering star is out as if to say hi


in my solitary haven is where I reside
you know I can't take depart

so please my dearest love, wont you dance with me?

The bright sun can shine all day
but never shine on the darkness that lurks inside.

In a way it is my light

my dark sunlight

my comfort

my safety blanket if you will

I wrap it around me tight

no matter what it's always in arms reach

welcoming me with cold comforting arms

soothing my every wound

cooing in my ear

letting me know no matter what
it will always be there.

I'm drowning in a darkened sea
the night is cold and lonely
no clouds or stars
just the moon and me
my only witness
shedding light down upon me
so I don't die in the dark
I gasp for air
feeling my body being weighted down
with tears falling
the sea kisses them away
help me help me I cry
but no one hears me
there's just the moon
watching the sea strangle me.

Filled to the brim
separated like oil and water
my  love is hidden in a tiny box in the depths of my heart

hate over flows
there's enough t0 drown in
like tiny crinkled hands wrapping around your neck
my anger will be your death  

my strongest walls can't keep away your prying eyes
you see right through me
past all the hate
all you see is love that's hidden away

open your eyes
I'm begging you to see the real me
please before it's to late
come face to face with all my anger & hate
look and see

let me be in peace
forever alone
see me for the monster that I am..

a depressed moon
paired with sad stars
they fall like tears
misunderstood icy wind
he's not cold hearted
just can't comfort like the sun
but my lips are blue
my toes freezing cold
because of the wind
I can't even feel my nose
but I love the way he brushes against my arms
sends chills down my spin
and send tears down my eyes
like falling stars

Terrified of my fate
     Here I go down this broken road

Step after Step
      So far so good

It always starts out that way
      Sooner or later they find the real you

Like staring into those dreaded mirrors
       multiply x5

Up close may look nice
       Far away might look good

Middle ground  always seems awkward
        The worst of you always seem to show

If it's meant to be it will
         Unflattering words to the ear

I don't really enjoy this broken road
          Pieces of my heart mixed with the dirt

The things I do for you
            Everyone puts their heart on the line

Especially when you see what you want
             So here is mine.

a piece of my soul is on you now.
the curves and curls of my life so entwined yet simple to branch alone.
let the music flow in your ears and lay still on your veins seeping into each cell that which flows freely caring your DNA.
a piece of my soul is on you now.
the pain Ive felt from every hurtful word.
the joy from each smile Ive formed.
every love and lost a piece is on you now.
a tiny crumb of truth and lie.
carry with pride.
one day you'll see.
thinking back breathing slow.
a piece of my soul is on you now.

Invitation Only:

A dinner you will forget to remember.

Down the road
little kids laugh and cheer
unaccompanied by their parents
they should have endless fear

Bones in my yard
decoration of course
I'll sit on my porch
watching the joy of endless candy

Come to me little children
I'll eat you up your so **** cute
I bet you taste good too

Brains and Liver, with sauteed onions
lips and fingers, with green olives
toes and tongue dipped in vinegar

come join Serean and Dr. Lector
for your last Halloween dinner.

Life doesn't always hand you lemons
like snowballs they can be thrown at your legs
Down on your knees you'll go,
because lemons are much harder than snowballs you know.

Crippling you for however long,
this harsh act forces you to crawl.
Don't expect a wheelchair, there wont be one for you.  

We all crawled at one point or another
a past lesson; a past stepping stone on how to walk
if you can remember,which I doubt you can
crawling was much easier then.
Back then you weren't use to standing on your feet.

But for whatever reason life decided to chunk a lemon your way
knock you down in the middle of the road,
then run off like some silly little girl, all the while laughing of course

Life chose you.

You with your habit of bad luck and terrible morning breath...
Keep your head up when you start crawl, if not you'll miss the ladder.
As one of life's wonderful attempts to keep you down
just keep going, keep moving forward and when you see that ladder...
don't climb it.

Use it to stand back up
then hunt down a brand new lemon squeezer,
cause I can guarantee life 'misplaced' your last one...
on purpose of course.

safe from all the hurt and pain
this is the story of my soul locked away

trapped in a padded room
hunched over in a corner

white floor gray walls
no windows or doors
fake air to breath

my soul doesn't know how she got here
only that shes here

somewhere lost, is my subconscious
lost in the dark cracks and corners of the room
she put her here
then made herself disappear

fear strikes my soul
it came from nowhere
but a door appears
the sound of heavy footsteps soon follow

my soul knows those steps
knows who's feet they are
fear tempts her
traps her
and now she's scared

a loud bang gets her moving
someone is trying to open the door

within fear she finds courage
courage to hold the door close

fear seeks strength
strength to keep it shut

someone is trying to spoil her room
her safe room

a lovely pink smoke slides under the doorway
curiosity thinks it might smell nice
wisdom knows other wise

in an instant my soul knows
its her special perfume

her tattle tale sign
that my soul needs to keep away
and guard the door
..with all her might.

Cradling myself back and fourth
my heads going to explode
nothings working
I can't control
...anything

the TV remote flies and hits the wall
its in pieces
so that's what the inside looks like

i want to rip my skin off
there's a small flame burning in my stomach
causing it to hurt
to slowly eat me away

It spreads through-out my body like a fire
my blood boils
sitting in front of a fan
I can still feel the heat rising

my thoughts are buzzing to quick to process
I simply don't know what to do
my head is heavy
a headache's rising
I'm still rocking back and fourth
what is it about this motion?

I'm scared and alone in a darkened room
waiting for it all to end
waiting to feel my heart beat
it just feels heavy
like a weight sinking into the ocean

I'm crazy
am i?

my head hurts
I can't breath
my eyes are blurred with tears
no one can help me

I'm loosing this battle
my sanity is slipping away
the thought of death brings more tears

I still can't feel my heart
but I know it must be there
why can't I feel it beating?
these are my words
not a prayer

In the bottom of the sea lays your heart
or so they thought
but you secretly hang it on the edge of your sleeve

you put up a front
being the cheerleader
you were a drunken puppet torn in two

you danced to his tune
his words and abuse
you knew better

you hide behind the *****
I know you don't mean to
its a reflex to grab that bottle
a town curse

you put your secrets down in notebooks
hidden from the world
your thoughts and wishes
hopes and dreams

nothings petty in your notebook
you speak the cold hard truth
when he took his life
you quietly raised your glass

a tiny flame rose in your soul
this is what he deserved
because of him you could never belong
to his 'secret club'
you were just his lover
you loved him
but because of him lives were torn

your life was slightly spared
a torn and damaged soul
your mission now
is to save his mother...

Mom..mom..mom...
mom!
no response....not even a head tilt

dont fool yourself kid

save your breath
she'll hear the whiskey before she hears you

don't give me that look
and don't even start to ask why

at least she's cook'n dinner
and so far have'n  a good time

just let her be
go to your room and play

if you need anything I'm here
close your eyes and open your ears
listen to my words deep inside your mind.

Tonight is my night
the moon is full and bright
hiding somewhere among the clouds
here soon it will come out
the wind grows strong
but theres a softness in the air
rain will come soon

If I close my eyes I can see you
your playing for me on that piano
your favorite tune
the one you always hummed
I can see you playing through the window
are the curtains open just for me...
or maybe their open for you...

Tonight is my night
I'm dancing for myself
drop by drop
I feel the rain
slow at first
then it really starts to fall

As the wind blows softly through my hair
your music echo's in my ears
the sweet melody
so soft and alluring
I miss your warm embrace
your fingers trailing down my arms
just the softest touch
I close my eyes and I know
the moonlight shines down on us
your fingers lace with mine
and here
on nights like this
so dark and windy
I can feel your touch

As the sun sets
sinking down
only to rise on the opposite side
forming someones light
setting the stage for the stars
I realize..
I don't need you approval
you've shot me down for the last time
If nothing I show you is right
that doesn't mean its wrong
my work is still wonderful
I am still beautiful
after the scars you've left in my wing
like the sun I'll rise again
facing the arrow of judgment that is your words
no matter how much they sting or burn
I'll forever spread my wings
to rise constantly with the sun.

Come find me
come search for my soul
I'm drowning in this sea of sorrows
numb from the cold

I feel nothing anymore
rainbows mean nothing to me
my life is a blur
I'm crumbling in the sea

Only you can find me
you have the key
throw me a life vest
and save me from the sea

the troublemaker who knows no rules
a soft warm heart under a pile of stone

he is the stoner
a free falling soul just trying to live out loud
always lashed upon but never was punished

he is the winner of the blame game
all fingers point to him when trouble arises
it must be him they say
he had to do it
just because he doesn't care

a misunderstood teen fighting for his life
innocent until proven guilty I say
behind his back I stand
watching it like a mother

he is the web spinner
spinning lies to hide the truth
they hate him for this
I say spin your lies
in the end no one can stop him
so why try
easy for me to say
he doesn't spin his lies on me

the determined transformer
wanting nothing but to prove he can rise above
emotionally bound to show them they were wrong

he is my brother.

I'm Laying on the floor
with a knife in hand
holding back tears
arguing with myself
I need an escape
freedom from this haunted cage
there is no escape
the shadows of my mind will never leave
reminding me of every mistake
questioning every joy
turning everything upside down
leaving me with nothing
here comes the tears
as I shake and shudder with fear
perhaps the life I love is just a waste
all my hope is buried deep
covered by dead willow trees
I want to draw blood
watch it slide down my arm
its not the pain I'm after
just the blood, a lake for my trees
a temporary fix
when morning comes I'll be back at square one.

hot tears run down pink cheeks
take a hammer to my head and a nail gun to my heart
make this headache go away
take away my pain

my reflection stares back at me through blurry eyes
confidence gone, it's as if my beauty has drained away
tears and a pink nose
no matter what, more and more tears come

I hate being in this depressed place
home,town and state

How can you ask me to stay with you
of course you'll find a way
and of course I'll find a way to stay
even if all I wish is to put a gun to my head

bang.bang.bang.
like 1,2,3 let me end my pain
on the next hour, I'll find a way

my throbbing temples wont let me forget
this everlasting pain