No eyes watch this tongues bitter mornings.
My mother doesn't even know I drink coffee.
The trails know my footprints better then any memory of a boy who left behind me.
I have a drawer of broken headphones and
nails bitten down to the bone
my birthday present was a lock on the door.  
How do you look at somebody-how do you blink your eyes?
Make me cry, I'd love to do it too. High and dry on a Friday, I've made nothing in awhile.
veins still pump with the devils pulse
I'm orange with ****** desire.  
stuck in neutral
attached to your words, not you.

Everyday feels like a different year.
when I open my eyes to the lightly sun lit sky I'm faced with the same deceiving question,
                         WHO DO YOU WANNA BE TODAY?
Naturally, I try to get into the circulating acceleration of becoming someone new.
someone better.
Monday I'll act older, tougher, meaner
Tuesday, I am sick of myself already
Wednesdays reality always brings kindness and an exciting extroverted perspective
Thursday I'm in love with the sun
Friday I'm isolated with the moon
the weekend sheds no time to be anything other then a sparrow.
Sunday, a change in action.
as if a extraterrestrial source was watching, seen me morph throughout the week
I faced the abnormal question that brought some sort of relief,
                                              IS THIS YOU?

She did not have soft hands
Her hands were red.
Her hands were a boneyard.
Her hands were tired.
But through all the folds and shapes
Out of her paper mistakes
She made cranes.
She made them for the people she loved
And sometimes, the people she hated.
The cranes stood in her favourite places
Or they marked “I would literally rather be anywhere else right now”.
A blue one for Portland
A red for Sanfransisco
Yellow for,
She stops.
He always said he loved the colour yellow.
Time withered on and she withered with it
Soon, she was gone.
And as if the people had nothing left of her
They wepped.
Yellow, he thought.
He looked up through his sorrows
A yellow paper crane
Peered about on a windowsill
What once blended in the crowd
Now stood out like treasure
Some say the paper cranes flew that day
She would have liked that.

love just isn't an option anymore
no matter how many people I put first I'm always put second.
call it bad timing or misfortune
but I am a crutch
a backup plan
the left over
never good enough
never wanted  
and I wish I could be,
for the people I love and for myself too.
and all these thoughts still bring me back to the same night
in my alley way, three summers ago when the first boy to ever make me a promise and break it told me I wasn't good enough
and said goodbye before I could catch my breath.
its the same winded feeling I feel to this day.
that constant hole in my chest
the lack of equally returned love

Bringing your name up in conversation feels like saying a ***** word in public.
It’s unnecessary but at the same time inevitable
It always will come back
Like a swing
No matter how hard a push
That name will fly back harder than it did before

This morning I woke up to a gentle breeze from outside
A song in my head
And a poem in my heart
I realized how gentle this world is
It’s soft hands and light touch
Most battles I face are inside my mind

its nights like this
the ones that tear me up inside.
I miss him so much.
I want to send you a letter.
its the same letter I have written so many times.
but you'll never get to read it.
im so sorry I hurt you
goodnight.

try to forget how long it took you to figure out how to wrap your fingers around his heart and how you failed
but don't forget all the times you split your sides open for him just so he could see your hurting
don't forget how to ride the bike
but try and forget the time you flung yourself forward froward into a fence cutting your head open
don't forget the times you failed but the times they said
you couldn't do it
allow yourself to remember the first time you fell in love.
that first kiss
that first I love you
forget the time you found him cheating and the feeling that came with it
the thoughts that you are unlovable
instead remember the time you left his *** in the dirt and how good that felt
remember the first time you saw your father cry
when you were on stage singing that song he loves
do not remember the years that flashed by in the blink of your eye
when he left

I live in the skeletons of our love in hopes of having it stop haunting me.
          Its so hard to forget when you float around my head like a ghost
                          
                             its so hard not to go back to the graves of what                   was and not have to think about what is.

I'm not sure how to help you from this distance
Or if I can
or if I should...
I want to reach out and be your light in all your darkness
but I am not the sun
and I will not save you
as hard as it is to say
I can't
reaching for your hands will only drag me down with you
as selfish as it sounds...
but I hope you know I'm a believer in some of the hardest battles must be fought by yourself
I hope you know that you light up every room you walk into
I hope you know I care
And even though, you once destroyed me too
I hope you know I love you
no matter where we may go in this world,
its something that will never change

If you're leaving
please, leave fresh cut flowers in every room
I will wilt with them as I wait for you to come back before they die.
If you're leaving
could you write some letters I can read when I miss you?
so I can try to find the messages between the spaces
the ones I never saw before that so clearly said you wanted to go
If you're leaving
would you buy me some paints? one of every shade
my world is the size of a canvas and it takes every colour to paint you

When I was a kid
i could go out into a street and dance in the rain
Even with eyes watching, I flailed my arms round and round until I was too dizzy to stand and eventually, fell into the dewy grass Without knowing the effects of lightning
instead, would pound my feet to the crash of thunder
I can't recall when I noticed they were watching
how it pulled the road from under my feet
and left me in the pavment
How I cared when they called me crazy
How they made me afraid of the lightning
How the fear kept me inside staring out from my window
When life became a cabinet with a plate,
holding ten other plates on top of it
how it all seemed so unbearable
I was fourteen when my pessimistic state of perception was shifted
All it took was one wise man and a sentence to crash the fragile system of fear:

                  "everything beautiful has a consequence" he said
                      "you just have to brave enough to face it".

a window is still a window, even with shattered glass
it will still let the sun through itself
still let you gaze out and see the world
so I fell in love with you, broken boy
and with observation and time I attained your gospel truth
you were not a window, but instead a mirror
I looked at you and saw the truth of what I had become
a shattered reflection of somebody I didn't recognize
but I still fell in love with you, broken boy
I just didn't realize you would break me too

i. knocking on wood when a terrible thought comes up
ii. cutting fresh flowers to all the same lengths
iii. listening to the static on the radio
iv. reaching out of the car window into the air
v. holding my breath at every cemetery I pass by
vi. writing letters then burning them in the most dramatic way
vii. tracing loops on lovers backs
viii. falling asleep with the candle still lit
ix. morning coffee followed by morning coffee breath
x. running out into the street while it rains
xi. early morning flights too a new start
xii. stopping at every crack in the side walk
xiii. wearing a wrist watch
xiv. dictating strangers eyes
xv. falling in love with the moon over and over again

what does it all mean too you?

That **** Polaroid picture
      Sent my head spinning again

You were once my idea of a perfect life
You once held my mind in captivity
But I’ve found a new life out here
A new idea of a perfect life
One without you
There was a hole in my chest
But it’s filled with this desire now
This amazing idea that if I work my hardest for these last two years
If I push and push and never stop
I will create a life for myself
Out in the only place I’ve ever felt at home

Sometimes we fall
We break,
We move on,
Or we stay because we are afraid,  
We shatter the only thing we’ve ever known,
And it could be a because of a complication,
unfortunate events,
Or one simple thing.
Something like the truth
Mine was that you’d never love me
We won’t work
It’s not gonna happen
And for so long I struggled to swallow those words
I went back and forth from loving you directly
Then too loving you from a distance
For four years I have loved you
And this is my goodbye
Here it goes :
You once told me the way you get through life is too hold your head down and keep pushing through the problem until eventually you don’t feel anything. But I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m gonna keep my head up and I’m gonna smile. I’m gonna laugh and I’m going to work through what I’ve had to deal with. Not by ignoring it but by facing it. Through out all this time I’ve been afraid you’d leave and I’d be alone but the truth is you were never really here and what has been my extensive thought of what love is
Has been me alone.
but you
my love,
will always hold a part of my heart. you will always have the part of myself i put into you. the part of myself i first learned to love.
you let go and even though i have taken my time, its time for me to let go too.
no more of your witty jokes or captivating smile
hands finding each other, lips locking together
late night calls
the moments that makes us who we are
ill still listen to that song and try to feel you out there
but believing us leaves me disconsolate
you were never mine too have nor keep
neither was i ever yours.
i used to see you in everything i touched
but i will no longer be looking.
i wish you the best in life and that you are happy
as i should.
the world will keep turning and my life will go on
as it should.
ciao

I stayed alive for this moment
Driving 90 downtown on a bridge in Vancouver
Dark blues in the sky transition into greens
The Sun is dancing it’s last few minutes on stage
The air smells like lavender
My hair is whipping back and forth
Windows open
Music blasting
Not a care in the world

I’ll leave you like glass
Slowly
But to one who doesn’t understand my properties
I look as if I’m not moving
Until one day I’m not there

You didn’t even call...
I told on Monday how I’d only had a couple days till I was gone.
But that wasn’t enough for you
I’d have to be dying in order for you to call
Little do you know I am, it’s why I must leave this place that is killing me slowly.
But I still have hope
A dream
You’ll be standing there at the end of the aisle right before I  board.
I will drop my bags and run as fast as I can into you
You’ll be the excuse I’ve been looking for to stay
But the reality is
You’re the excuse that makes me have to leave.

knees cracking
palms sweating
everything is falling out of place
nothing is as it should be
its so uncomfortable
when your sky collapses onto you
the pressure is almost unbearable.
but its the only way we will change
you will only better yourself
When you want to show them that
You’re stronger now
That you’ve changed your old ways
That you’re happier
But you aren’t
You are as whole as a cup that shatters in a busy restaurant
And as empty as the silence that comes after it

I walked into the world after the storm.
no not into the cage of more walls
not into the chains of someone else's arms
just me, by myself  
i could tell i was alone
no one followed me out into this silent barring
and in the quietness i found time to reckon in my thoughts
remember what matted most
myself
being who i am
being my own and no one else's
and all the other complications became so small compared to wanting the important things back
happiness
knowing i can find a voice in the sun
love in the trees
arms reaching out in the wind
i'm not saying this place is home
but i'm admitting it's livable
i am the breathing, laughing, crying proof that it is.

Take a second.
Stop thinking about where you are trying to be,
Look at where you are
You have always been the place

I’m leaning agains a metal rod
Pretending as if it was a lover
But the aluminum is cold, not warm there is no comfort.
Your black hair pokes itself out from the rest of the crowd.
I see you watching and turn the other way as if I never knew you were there.
I need to look again to see if you’re still watching me hopefully pondering if I’ll look back at you, but you’re gone.
Suddenly the building is nothing but a 2D paper platform.
It is dull and not worth trying for.
The absence of you is everywhere

Turning our backs on this temple does nothing
Everything we hold sacred
Turns to sin

You treat “your girls” like a thrift shop
Something you give away because she’s “used”
You won’t  ask for money in return
You don’t want an apology or forgiveness as you hand her in
Instead, you’ll give her away with an excuse
“There is someone out there who will treat you better”