i thought i was okay but everything came rushing back, million year old lava shooting up and seeing the same sky after so long underground

it reached a point
where lies came easier
than the truth
and the truth was
that i wasn't a liar
but i would do anything
to save our little world
so i lied and i lied
until my heart scrunched
into an empty hole
and i was left with
trembling hands
and a sour mouth
because the truth was
i wasn't a liar
but when i looked in the mirror
that's all i saw
and it spread
like a rash on my skin
and there were black spots
within
because every lie crawled
under and inside
in the deepest parts of me
they'd grow and they'd grow
like a rash on my skin
***** incantations
were my mantra
lie after lie
i'd look myself in the mirror
and say
you're not a liar
you're only trying to survive
but the rash wasn't a rash
it was a disease which owned me
my mouth opened and closed
what came in and out
i do not know
my mind stopped dictating
the words i spoke
and the disease
taught me all i know
the truth is
i wasn't a liar
it wasn't me
because i was hidden
beneath the surface
of the disease which overtook
the parts of me
i could never touch
i ripped my skin
crying-
let me out
let me out
but the liar took over me
and i was stuck
beneath a film of safety
lies which spread like gel
over my surface
i was untouchable
until i couldn't differentiate
between the liar
and myself
and maybe all along
they were one
inside me that voice of truth sung
you are not a liar
but maybe
that was the biggest lie
of them all.

your mouth is a door,
and someday you are going to be told that it's just better left closed.

your eyes are the windows to your soul,
and someday people are going to tell you to draw the curtains.

your heart has been unpacked from the basement,
and someday someone is going to tell you to put it away.

and your optimism is a candle in your windows, and someday everyone's going to try and blow it out.

i'm telling you this,
because when that someday comes i want you to know what to say.

you say,

"my mouth is a door, and i hold the key."
"my eyes are the windows to my soul and i'll wash them regularly."
"my heart will not be put away, it goes with everything."
"my optimism is a candle, and it keeps me warm."

when that someday comes,
i want you to know what to say...

you say,
"this is my house, and it's not for sale."

Bad moments are
weighing down the scales.
Tears are slowly leaking
out of these eyes.
I don't cry.

Today
I missed my morning coffee.
I wasn't prepared to be woken up so early.

I miss being so rich
that I didn't have to think.
I miss being right beside you
Instead of miles away.
Even after a year
I haven't gotten used to the feeling.
When everything
still makes me think of you
I don't know what to do.
This city might be pretty
But there's no place like the beach.
You might say you'd rather be here
But I think you'd feel
worse than I do.
To leave behind
everything you always knew.
To live a life of loneliness,
nostalgia and breathtaking landscapes.
The scales won't balance for you.
Words can walk the distance;
Walking takes its time.
Time is always against us
But we try to walk these miles.
We tried to leave this behind
But our minds refuse to disconnect.
I tried to write about something new-
It only works when I'm inspired.
I come across as happily confused
But inside this shell I'm slowly dying.
I try to forget
how wonderful it felt
to have once been
so alive.