I let it get away from me.
Instead of just letting things be.
I jumped the gun and shattered someones heart.
After everything settled I knew I had done wrong.

It wasn't supposed to be that way.
I don't know how I can fix this situation.
Is it better to leave it alone?
Is better to say something?

Things were said in anger and I took it to heart.
I thought you would be better off.
I thought you would be okay.
I didn't know that my own mental state caused this.

I didn't know I was so messed up.
I want to go back in time and make it so this didn't happen.
I know I can't.
You always wanted to live by yourself.

I didn't know you would take it so hard.
I didn't know you cared that much.
I wish I could tell you everything in my head.
I don't even know everything.

You deserve better.
You said you felt freedom and confidence without me.
We weren't together.
You said you were tired of dealing with this.

I wish I could tell you everything going on in my heart.
But not even I know.
I wish a lot of things.
I know none of this will help the heartbreak that you feel.

I had it in my sights.
My first right move.
I thought I had it.
Then the dream came crashing down.

One by one
Peel back all the layers.
To get to the heart of it.
Watch it beat and slowly shrivel.

Things were becoming okay.
I had taken blue and I felt right.
It ran out of my system.
I can't seem to make things right.

Will I ever be right?
Will I ever be RIGHT?
Will I ever...

Seeing in blue
Just do it
And don't look back.

It seems to always come to this.
Crying at night, multiple showers.
Getting dressed and leaving at night.

I keep missing the mark.
How do I not see it?
Things are worse then they have ever been.
I feel like I should just leave.

I don't know anymore.
I don't know anything.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Maybe I'll die like this.

I should give up because it is easy.
I don't do well with hard work.  
If I do, you will know you weren't worth it.
You are, maybe just not me.

I just want to die.
Get life over with.
If I do, maybe you can find somebody new.
Let's hope you do.

No matter how hard you work...
No matter how much you make...
No matter how much it takes...
It is never enough.

Let me say that again!
It it never enough.
You live your whole life to make as much as possible.
No matter the cost.

Work 3 jobs, work over 60 hours a week.
Only to get a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment.
Because you have to have your own bathroom.
You have to have the best of everything.

You talk about your dream house.
Yet you can't even afford to fix up the house you live in.
Talk about how many people are going to leave you money when they die.
Why?
To talk about how rich you'll be.

Here I am.
Scraping by.
In a cheap apartment.
Barely afford to get groceries.

But you know it's no skin off my back.
I have something way better than being rich.
At least I have a place to live and a job.
I have a girlfriend who I would die for.

Some things are better than money.
I am glad I know this.
I am glad I don't run in circles for it.
Life is what you make it.

If that's what you make it about, that's okay.
I choose to believe there is more to life than that.

The fear that is always there in the back of your head.
Spreading fast to the heart, as your awareness raises.
Is better to ride it out or bottle it up?
The feeling comes in so fast you barely have time to breathe.
Every possible outcome going through your mind.
Not sure where to stop it.
Then you know you should trust.
But the fear is always there.
Ready to make waves in the calm ocean.

Commitment to another so commonly thrown away.
For what? So you can still live like a college student.
Dedicated years of your life to one person.
Just to decide after making it official.
This wasn't what you wanted.

While one heart is broken and trying to move forward.
You party, dance, drink, take happy selfies.
No one knows what happened.
Just it did.
To someone who did their best to make you happy.

You turn around and throw it back.
You love the center stage.
I wonder if there will be regrets.
I sure do hope so.
When it's too late.

Friends or lovers?
It doesn't work that way.
We can be one or the other.
Both doesn't happen.

Why can't we?
Why can't we?

Our closeness only last until tick of the clock.
We could try to break all the clocks.
Hope the time never stops.
We would succeed until the light in the sky brighten.

We may as well be detached strangers living in the same space.
We try so hard only for it to start all over again.
We will break the cycle when I open the floodgates.
Let all those emotions come crashing down.

Are we friends or lovers?
Are we friends?
Are we lovers?
Are we?

I have this feeling that is fire.
I feel it as it grows wild.
It connects to many things.
As does the power of life.

That power struggle will cease, right?
Fumbling through the world.
Setting everything a blaze.
I want to harness this flame.

I want to use it to light my way.
Light the beacons through my brain.
Let the cobwebs burn.
See through the haze.

The parts of my brain that have been away.
The part of my soul that is wasted away.

I have found the light and will let it lead the way.
The path I have found hasn't lead me astray.
I will find the secret to open the gate.
To the fire inside of me.

You took my right to speak.
Pulled the words out of my mouth.
Every sentence overflow with your sound.
I whisper instead.
Still yet, you interject.
Now there is no point.
For you will always find a way.
So sweet are the days you are away.
For no one's words are drowned out.
We all hear each other just fine.
Until you start to speak and we roll our eyes.
You will never hear our sighs.

We've fought for our place in the world.
They have tried to pry us apart.
Only for us to come back stronger.
The only thing that could pull us apart is us.

Remembering the days were we woke up next to each other.
Appreciating each other's bodies.
How different our bodies are.
How well they fit together.

The early years were rough, but we managed to stay.
Growing, learning adapting.
We finally found our stride.
Now we are rocketing to know how be to strong.
Together.

Sealed lips, eyes cast down.
Short answers, no enthusiasm.
What have I done?
Have I caused this?
No one will tell me anything.
Quickly make sure they avoid me.
I have this effect on people.
One day, they won't want to interact.
No answers, just why's.

We both let down our walls.
We talked, I talked, you watched.
We stared at the trees and watched them breathe.
We moved from one room to another.
We stared into each other's eyes and saw the universe.
The stars had aligned.
Everything felt slow motion until the dawn hit.
Then sleep felt like it needed to happen.
We slowly left each other's gaze of happiness.
Drifted off into the sea of dreams.
Remembering what we had just seen.

You tell me I'm not putting in effort.
You tell me I don't care.
You tell me to pay more attention.
You tell me you don't care.

I think I'm trying, only to be told I'm not.
I'm so confused, that I think I must be shot.
What does trying look like?
You say I'm cold.
You say I must think of you as a means to an end.

You say I need to be edgier and not act like a wimp.
Yet things are so messed up I don't even feel that.
So many different messages coming through.
What am I supposed to do?

I read and I learn.
Nothing helps.
Cold and silent.
That's what I'll do.

Social situations are awkward at best.
I stand and listen, I don't know what to say or do.
I try my best to be receptive.
But some screws are loose.
You want me to talk about things?
Where do I start?
What do I say?
I try my best to remember everything you say.
Argue, bicker, fight.
Same conversation
I try my best
I try

Some people wonder how I'm still around.
The roads are dangerous here.
Tried to cross the street, bus coming my way.
Tried to cross the street, car trying to turn.
Tried to cross the street, car ran a red light.

Life is teasing me with accidents that almost happen.
Tried to cross the street...
Tried to cross the street...
Tried to cross the street...

Lack of awareness puts me in danger.
I'm aware of what's in front of me.
I'm aware of what's in front of me.
I'm aware of what's in front of me.

Do I have a death wish?
No, I mustn't.
No, I can't.
No.

Your favorite thing as a kid: sugar.
Snickers, Milky Way, Hershey kisses
It flows through your body
It sends you into hyperspeed.

Your favorite thing as an adult: sugar
Making multiple trips to the store.
Or just one, and load up.
The day after Halloween is your favorite day.
Candy half price.

Then eventually you look down, realize, "when did my belly get so big I could cradle it?"
You decide that's it no more sugar.
It works for awhile, you lose some weight.
You even stop thinking about it.

Then one day you just can't resist and grab a cookie.
Down the rabbit hole you go.
It makes you feel sick.
Then you think, "Is this sugar kiss worth this?"

That feeling you get when you know it's time to let go.
I feel a wave is about to wash over me.
All I was doing was holding on for dear life.
Bringing up past guilt, grief, wrongdoings.
Where does it end?
If not there.
Keep bringing up the same ****.
The only thing I will do is wade through ****.
Letting go will bring a new life.
All that baggage gone.
The universe is chaotic.
There things I can't control and things I can.
I am choosing to let that baggage go.
And watch it flow away.

Do you know the definition of insanity?
I surely do.
I make people feel like they are insane.
Tell me that thing you told me?
I will immediately try it after talking about it.
I have no passion, excitement.
You suggest the same two things.
Yeah, that's me.
My life is a never ending cycle.
Is something wrong?
Yes, the same problems we've had for the past 4 years.
My memory is ****.
I complain about everything constantly.
I didn't know.
Do you know the definition of insanity?

Watching the bright lights in the sky.
Red, blue, gold, white.
Sitting on the steps, in every direction flashes of light.
My angel sitting next to me.
Everything feeling right in the world.

I look over and see her face, smiling.
Remembering the sounds I made her make.
As I had her underneath me.
Letting the passion flow through me like lightning.

Even over the years we have been together, I can't imagine life without her.
Celebrating holidays together.
As well as our lives, growing forever.