Bexis

Bexis Jan 2019

I let it get away from me.
Instead of just letting things be.
I jumped the gun and shattered someones heart.
After everything settled I knew I had done wrong.

It wasn't supposed to be that way.
I don't know how I can fix this situation.
Is it better to leave it alone?
Is better to say something?

Things were said in anger and I took it to heart.
I thought you would be better off.
I thought you would be okay.
I didn't know that my own mental state caused this.

I didn't know I was so messed up.
I want to go back in time and make it so this didn't happen.
I know I can't.
You always wanted to live by yourself.

I didn't know you would take it so hard.
I didn't know you cared that much.
I wish I could tell you everything in my head.
I don't even know everything.

You deserve better.
You said you felt freedom and confidence without me.
We weren't together.
You said you were tired of dealing with this.

I wish I could tell you everything going on in my heart.
But not even I know.
I wish a lot of things.
I know none of this will help the heartbreak that you feel.

#love #hate #heartbreak #break #up #relationship #lover #fight

Dec 2018

A Simillacrum

dust mite, the muted

flame in a dark pit
rain on a mountain
ice
   in the veins:
                          blockade
one of these days

techno nightmares will break
through
   analog purity,         of course
      they will but,         then
   you'll have it your way,
where dust becomes you more
than your electric
   dreams,         of course,
you would rather be muted

i won't

For ya, gibs. Gittin goot.

#dust #mite #the #muted #queer #mouth #gay #other #flame #rain

Bexis Dec 2018

Blue

I had it in my sights.
My first right move.
I thought I had it.
Then the dream came crashing down.

One by one
Peel back all the layers.
To get to the heart of it.
Watch it beat and slowly shrivel.

Things were becoming okay.
I had taken blue and I felt right.
It ran out of my system.
I can't seem to make things right.

Will I ever be right?
Will I ever be RIGHT?
Will I ever...

Seeing in blue
Just do it
And don't look back.

#derpession #medication #withdraw #antidepressant #love #pills

Nov 2018

A Simillacrum

Chemical-B (Side)

In a minute,
I'm a *** smirk.
A shiny fang to show.
This pleasure, bundled
into nerves,
will decompose.

There isn't one chance.
Not one savior.
Evolution,
it still takes
its molasses-sweet-***-time.

I won't pray.
I won't wait.
As I am
& I shall be
the anti-divine.

I'm a literal *******.
I've long since comes to terms,
to terms with it.
I'm a depiction of the pits.
I've long since loved my worst,
my worst and best.

(...)

In a minute,
I'm a lost eye.
A stab wound, deep & old.
This sadness, bound
in my synapses,
wants me to know:

There is no escape.
No dissuasion.
Neurodivergence,
it wrestles
my ill logos for control.

I won't pray.
I won't pray.
As I am
& I shall be
funny chemicals.

I'm a literal *******.
I've long since comes to terms,
to terms with it.
I'm a depiction of the pits.
I've long since loved my worst,
my worst and best.

#b #side #lost #eye #worst #best #pray #chemical #rot #pop