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Emma Jan 8
For the last few nights I’ve fallen asleep
I’ve seen you in my dream
Even though it’s been nearly a decade
And neither of us are as we seem

It’s always in our hometown
In a fairly crowded place
When I’m walking with friends or family
And we notice a familiar face

You always hesitate to talk to me
But whoever I’m with says you should
And we go off to another place
It’s neutral- not bad or good

We talk for a while and then you say
You want to try things again
Not that we really ever tried before
But wonder what could have been

You kiss me on the cheek and neck
And I freeze wondering what to do
It’s tempting to kiss you on the lips
Like the plan that never went through

I always come to the same conclusion
About our physical incompatibility
Plus our past and general fear
It isn’t meant to be

I know this is all caused by loneliness
But I wonder why out of everyone else
My brain decides you need to be here
And we can’t get over ourselves

Waking up from this dream always makes me worried
Like every other dream I’ve had
Where you show up like our friendship never ended
And nothing that happened was bad

I haven’t seen you in years
And likely never will once more
So I’d like my brain to come to the same conclusion
And let me just snore
I’ve been having this weird recurring dream about an old crush, and while I recognize dreams don’t often coincide with real life events, this is really bothering me
Emma Sep 2020
I finally got over my fear of you
Reading my work and my mind
No longer wondering where you’re going to
Or if you’re far behind

If I walked into a room
And you were sitting there
I wouldn’t feel my mind go zoom
I’d continue without a care

The words I used to describe you
No longer paint you as a threat
You’re now a memory, just someone I knew
And over time I will forget

I’m not scared anymore to read your name
I hope that time lets you feel the same
Emma Aug 2017
I wish I could stay
Just a little longer
All night and all day
Just a little longer
Wrapped in your arms
Just a little longer
Away from what harms
Just a little longer
My head on your shoulder
Just a little longer
Pull me tight when I get colder
Just a little longer
Keep me here
Just a little longer
Fight this fear
Just a little longer
Please don't go
Just a little longer
I care for you so
Just a little longer
I wish you were mine
Just a little longer
I won't cross a line
Just a little longer
I wish I could stay
Just a little longer
All night and all day
Just a little longer.
Emma Aug 2017
I can already feel the sensation now.

Late night at school
The two of us sitting on your floor
The cheap carpet in the dorm
It's uncomfortable to sit but I can't get up

The opportunity arises
Maybe it's a compliment
A proof of trust
Or maybe I finally gave in

And then, I hug you
Knowing full well I shouldn't be
For you promised someone else
Their arms would be your home

I can't get touch out of my mind
So I stay with you anyway
And maybe it's the vulnerabiltiy again
But I don't want to let go

Maybe we share a kiss
I haven't kissed anyone in two years though
So I'm either very shy
Or quite the opposite

I don't remember what it's like
To have other lips touch mine
But I think I'd enjoy the feeling
Despite the guilt consuming me

My weakness is what started this
And it ends when I fall asleep with you
Nothing beyond kisses, just cuddles
My body relaxed as my mind screams

I know they will **** me
The one who has your heart
They'll never want to see me again
And I can't blame them

The sensation started out peaceful
Almost like a dream
A release, emotions flying
The overcoming of a fear

But it's more like
Ten thousand razors slicing me
Getting hit by a train
Being strangled by your own hand

Bon Jovi says true love is suicide
And everyone deserves a second chance
But our bond would forever be shattered
My fear of abandonment would come true

I can already feel the sensation now.
Emma Apr 2017
4.08 23:00

It's been four months since I last saw you
You disappeared without a trace
Never returning my text messages
I accepted that I would probably never see you again
And what a shame that was,
Because we used to hang out and talk a lot
I didn't let the fact you were older than me
Bother me that much
Because you had the same beliefs as me
And I figured you would never ever ever
Do anything to hurt me
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talked about living the gospel life

4.09 13:45

I see you in church again
So I take the seat next to you
I'm so excited to see you again
And tell you all about what happened
I come home feeling taller
Than the five feet two inches I am
Because I feel like I have
One of my closest friends back
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.11 22:30

You ask me to hang out with you
This coming Saturday
You're intentionally vague
Just tell me we'll do something
Just like old times
I become very excited
Because I love spending time with you
You know exactly how to make me
Feel comfortable around you
And I've never had to worry about a thing
Because
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.14 21:00
I have a nightmare you tried to **** me
And get this uneasy feeling
That if I go out with you
Something might happen
I talk about it with some other friend
They insist I shouldn't be scared
After all
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?

4.15 20:30
You pick me up outside my apartment
And I get in your car like every other time
You warn me that you have relapsed into your vices
I don't believe it's as bad as it is
Then the smell of marijuana hits me
I try to rationalize with myself
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 21:00
This can't be happening
You keep telling me all about
How every time I have seen you
You were high as a kite
I haven't spoken much
I'm trying to be understanding
After all, I claim to be unconditionally nice
So I can't judge you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 21:45
You're on a smoke break
When I text my friends what is happening
Or at least a vague summary
Is this situation really as bad
As I think it is?
After all, I do trust you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 22:30
You're getting more and more agitated
As I turn silent
I'm starting to get scared
Over the thought of spending time with you
My mom was right
No matter what the reason
Or no matter how kind he is
Don't spend time with someone ten years older
And in this case, that applies to you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:00
You're now higher than before
And I get the feeling
That if I stay with you
I will die
You start trying to get me
To go get high with you
The smell is so powerful
It wouldn't surprise me if I was already
At least a little high
I feel sick to my stomach
And wonder why or how I got here
Then I remember
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:15
We're screaming now
Because you can't believe
I don't feel safe around you
I finally get the courage
To make my escape
Storming off to the bathroom
And asking a waitress to wait with me
While I call for help
She asks me what kind of person you are
At least normally
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:30
Help is on the way
I called the guy I like
Who I had been texting all night
And probably scared to death
With my attitude towards the situation
His parents are coming with him too
Worst first impression ever
But I am looking forward to getting out of the bathroom
Because pacing back and forth in a stall
Talking to a waitress who thinks I'm a teenager
Makes me think about what got me here
How I thought
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 00:00
I'm escorted out of the restaurant
By at least six people
And introduce myself to the parents
Of the person I called
Hi, I'm not high, and I'm really sorry about this
I keep apologizing as they drive me home
They insist everything's okay, they are glad I knew
To call for help
And that I didn't get in the car
With someone high
I explain to them
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 00:30
Home at last
I feel bad about everything that went down
Guilt is eating me alive
As I try to process everything that happened
I started the night thinking
I was the most mature person
But felt so small hiding in the bathroom
And wishing I walked away sooner
Why did I think
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?

4.16 15:30
Good morning to me
In the middle of the afternoon
The person who rescued me last night
Wants to make sure I am okay
And apologizes for what happened
I tell him he deserves the apology
After all, I made him come get me
Even though he technically volunteered
I still should have known better
He tells me there's no way
I could have known otherwise
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 17:45
You call me
I call you an *******
I slam down the phone
Third time I've ever said a swear word
In my entire life
It pains me to imagine
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.18 01:55
I can't sleep at all
Anxiety eating me alive
So many questions spinning through my mind
What if I got high?
What if I died?
Can I ever stop blaming myself?
Will the guy who helped me ever talk to me again?
Could the guy who helped me like me?
Should I get over my crush?
What can I do after this?
And most importantly
Why did I believe you
When you told me in the car
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?
Not my proudest moment
Emma Mar 2017
It was a week before high school
We first met
Sitting at a picnic
For marching band
A month later put together
Cause our teacher thought we were cute
We completed group projects
Would text every day
Watched a bunch of movies
And ran down the coast
Never knew that one day
I would run from you
But in a perfect life
Things would be okay
We could talk these feelings through
And you could see the truth
But in the present life
The voices speak louder than me
You tried to end it all
And now I have to hide away
I have to hide away
You called me your heart, you were my eyes
I helped you with emotions
And you described the world
But now your heart is broken
And I don't know where to look
You see me as something
That you can control
Have me walk behind you
While you walk ahead
I guess you can't imagine
Me right next to you
But in a perfect life
Things would be okay
We could talk these feelings through
And you could see the truth
But in the present life
The voices speak louder than me
You tried to end it all
And now I have to hide away
I have to hide away
Everything fell apart when went for blood
Months of separation and you went mad
You tried to take me, you bruised your heart
I can't see with you
But in a perfect life
Things would be okay
We could talk these feelings through
And you could see the truth
But in the present life
The voices speak louder than me
You tried to end it all
And now I have to hide away
I have to hide away
In the future life
Forgiveness may find you
But I'll never come out again
I have to hide away
I have to hide away
Emma Mar 2017
I don't want to start
To even mourn your loss
For you are still here with me
But I know I'm not your boss
I invested many sleepless nights
Staying up twelve hours straight
To convince you life was worth it
To drown out the self hate
Some days I thought there was progress
Other days a step back
There was a time when I believed
You were back on the right track
Now you've pushed everyone away
Everyone but me
You made sure they're never coming back
With that action, I don't agree
I know the cause of death
And maybe even the day
But when I called a crisis line to tell them
They just turned me away
I guess I have to accept now
That you're getting ready to go
And since I am so far away
I'll just have to wait till you're no-show
I wish I actually knew
How to save a life
And that I could take away
Your weapons, rope, and knife
But here I stand powerless
Remembering what you said
And trying to imagine how I'll react
When they find you dead.
The suicide helplines only help if he is in my possession.  I live three hours away
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