Wandering around in my own head, what a dangerous place to be. Thoughts of happiness have been replaced by thoughts of sadness and rage all in one place. How did I become this person. What factors have led me here.
Sitting in this deep darkness all around me, I see all the happiness fade away. As this life proceeds the demons have gotten ahold of me, drawing me in with all the things that are missing from my life. I feel as if I’m slowly watching my life from behind the shadows, waiting for that bright yet brief flash of happiness that awaits me. Sadly it passes on my while my life continues to spiral. What will it take for me to let go of all these interruptions that have taken over my life.

I dreamt of you last night. You told me about all the things in your life, some are well and some are not. As you explain these things to me, I can’t help but hear your voice breaking as you start to cry. You say that you miss me, you miss all of the things we had. You miss the way I laugh, the way I smile, the way I would hold you late at night. You even miss the way I loved you like you said no one else had. You tell me you’re sorry for the way you played with my heart even though you loved me still. As I hear all of these things, the part of me that loved you so deep won’t allow me to respond. There is too much hurt between us for my heart to give you an answer. So you’re asking me for forgiveness, yes I forgive you but most of all I forgive myself for taking a chance once again and learning that even through all the pain, a broken heart can still love.

Every time you walk into the room my heart seems to skip a beat. When it’s so dark and cloudy, your smile always brightens my day. Knowing that I can’t have you, draws me closer to you everyday. I can never find the words to say, whenever you speak it takes my breath away. Each time I see you, I wanna secretly tell you how much I care and want to share with you until the end of time. Love is a strong word to use when it always gets thrown around, but to tell you I like you would only be putting it mildly. I want to tell you how bad I need you but I can’t  cause my heart won’t let me. I remain at a distance and will always remember every moment we have shared together, only friends is all we’ll ever be.

Sitting alone in a half lit room our hearts are beating almost in sync. You reach for my hand and begin to feel what you can only see with this room half dim. I gasp with excitement as you run my hand over and over and up and down every surface upon your body. Tracing every inch of you while you stare into my eyes letting me know that you are ready and willing to begin exploring the simple pleasures of my body. Your lips meet mine with passion and excitement burning with desire you reach even further. With your body on top of mine, my legs wrap around you and we become one. As our passion grows, we slowly reach our peak and the journey we began has come to an end. Too soon it has died, this passion we long to reach. When we meet again, the flame will burn even hotter where our desires will come to life.

Is it so wrong to want a healthy marriage, longing for someone you tell you love to feel the way you feel for them. Being able to talk without hurtful words exchanged, is so much easier than fighting each and everyday. Hugs and kisses can be nice unless they push you to the side, holding hands and sharing smiles would sure be great unless their plan is something else. Being held feels so good but lately you’ve been in another world. Physically, you were what I wanted but mentally it’s become so exhausting. Lately it’s become a challenge to show you all the affection we started out with in the beginning. My heart breaks a little more each and everyday you don’t look my way.

In the beginning things were great, we’d laugh and smile and talk all day. Sharing things we thought were gone, finding out that love was still around. Realizing feelings were still in play, brings back these feelings we thought had strayed. So many years have come and gone, so many nights I’ve sat and cried. Hearing those words from your mouth, gave me the hope that I thought was lost. Nowadays you’re so far away, makes it seem like you’re gone for good. If what we shared was not what you want, then I will stay far away. These feelings I feel won’t go away, they’ve grown so much over the years. I will always keep you in my heart, but from my mind you shall not stay.

Every thought that crosses my mind reminds me of you in every way. The breeze is as cold as the emptiness that remains. Nights alone are dark and long. Laying there in an empty bed, thousands of thoughts playing around in my head make it almost impossible to forget. Why is this all stuck in my head. Letting go is the only logical call but you have this hold over me that I can never explain. For now I will remain waiting for you, however in time, things will change.