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Nov 2021 · 30
Lethargic
Thoughtsonpaper Nov 2021
Depression sticks to be my belly
like it knows I am home.
It covers every surface,
leaving no room to grow.
It slivers and twists
up and down my spine,
like a 80s staircase made in 1985.
I could always evict her,
but she has nowhere to go.
Leaving me vacant,
and also without a home.
Feb 2021 · 86
Thief of Joy
Thoughtsonpaper Feb 2021
I rummage through dead leaves,
looking for any excuse to evaporate, like an abrupt mist into nonexistence.

I can justify my actions with one blink of an eye.
Regret does not sit in this mind of mine.
Would ruining my happiness make me complete?
No, it would not.
Yet I still chase it, like a gust of wind.
Sep 2020 · 142
Internal Dialogue
Thoughtsonpaper Sep 2020
Silence is the complete absence of sound. As I sit in silence a car drives by and I can hear the vibration of their engine, though I am several feet away. The sound of my brother running up the stairs makes my feet unsteady. I can hear the roaring summer bugs gradually crescendo, then decrescendo as they come to a nervous hault. The rushing wind causes the trees to make spirit fingers reaching for the sky. Nature begins to quiet down, and I can hear my pencil tracing a collection of words onto paper. I can hear peppermint tea gliding down my throat and splashing in my stomach. It would drive me absolutely mad to sit in silence; because I adore the natural and artificial sounds this world brings.
Dec 2019 · 1.0k
Aromantic
Thoughtsonpaper Dec 2019
Fingers trickle down my spine.
They stop and linger on my thigh.
Push me hard against the wall
up and down
they rise and fall.

Tempting you with cherry lips
soft and supple
ready to be kissed.
Am I hard to resist?
Draw me closer
I have one wish.

The truth is-
I'm saddened by your absence.
My eyes swell with grief.
I count each exhale
you're not here with me.

Every minute that passes
drags its feet through the mud.
I miss you and that's the issue.
I can't sleep when I'm in love.
I think I'm in love.
Dec 2019 · 156
Bath Time
Thoughtsonpaper Dec 2019
I sit in a lukewarm bath
cradling unshaved legs.
Quietly rocking back and forth
as water splashes in my face.

I quickly sink under the surface
holding onto grimey walls.
Choking and resisting
the desire to end it all.

Hands began to shake
with great intensity
liquids flood my lungs
it's getting hard to breathe.

Everyone stands there watching me
laying frozen and still.
My lips turn dark purple.
This ride has been a thrill.
Dec 2019 · 252
shattered
Thoughtsonpaper Dec 2019
You filled me to the brim,
my body gushing with blood.
Tears stained my cheeks
reminding me I'm not enough.

I went to see a baker.
He greeted me with a smile,
turned himself to the right
to hand a sharpened knife.

I'll slowly close my eyes
as I ram it inside my chest,
to end this miserable life,
and finally be at rest.
God, why me?
Dec 2019 · 147
39 days
Thoughtsonpaper Dec 2019
If I could just get a blade
and end my suffering.
This life wasn't meant for me.
I wanna die tragically.

Surround me in your arms
or take the pain away.
My lungs are getting weak
from calling out your name.
I let my guard down and now my heart is broken. Depression decided to give me a visit and I've never felt more suicidal, lost and alone.
Nov 2019 · 120
fighting urges
Thoughtsonpaper Nov 2019
The urge to cut grows stronger by the minute.
I don't think I can do this,
and that makes me pathetic.

My mind searches
for other methods to punish myself.
If I can't bleed;
I'll starve myself,
and replace my meals with iced latte's
or eat so much
that it hurts to breath and walk.

My hands start to shake
as I lock them together.
"Don't do it."
I ignore the voice,
and raid my moms bathroom
looking for a razor.

"Aha!"
I found one.
It's old and rusty
but she'll get the job done.

I take a long pause;
I am 24 days clean.
The hesitation lasts a lifetime,
but I set the razor down.

That was one more day.
One more day that I didn't fall for the urge.
Will the fight always be this hard.
I guess I'll wait and find out.
Fighting the urge is painfully hard.
Nov 2019 · 253
My Blue Eyed Darling
Thoughtsonpaper Nov 2019
I think I might like you,
and that scares me to my core.
With every bite that I taste,
I can't help but ask for more.

You make me question my sexuality
something I set in stone.
Wrap your hands around me tightly,
I don't want you to let go.

My heart beats loudly
pressed against your chest.
while we slow dance to-
Paul Anka, Frank Sinatra,
and all the greats we love.
Under your white popcorn ceiling,
falling deeply into each other's eyes.

Your hand begins to grip my thigh
on this perfectly dimmed Sunday night.
My blue eyed darling-
please kiss me goodnight.

I'm dancing with a beautiful man,
who lives just down the street.
I don't want to think of the end.
You already have me weak to my knees.
I'm starting to like someone and it's scaring the **** out of me. I don't like this.
Sep 2019 · 353
Futile Attempts.
Thoughtsonpaper Sep 2019
One day I will look in the mirror with a soft smile.  
I’ll turn left and right in love with who I see.
I will see the beauty in myself
when all my curves have vanished,
and all that’s left is a bag of skin and bones
where I once stood.
Without saying a word, it’s always made known that I do not matter.
Aug 2019 · 190
A Little Gay
Thoughtsonpaper Aug 2019
I'm a voice for the broken
a reflection of pain
for that one small child
hated for being gay

Inhaling the crisp fall air
gazing fondly into her eyes
anticipating the day
a girl will become her wife

treated less than for loving a soul
disowned by their parents
for wearing purple eye shadow

God taught me to love
so I will spread it wherever I go
like smooth Irish butter
on a warm piece of toast
Aug 2019 · 1.5k
2 weeks
Thoughtsonpaper Aug 2019
“This is my last time”,
I said 4 times ago
As I paint my brittle fingernails
Red with blood
Somethings deeply wrong with me
Jan 2019 · 273
Oranges and Water
Thoughtsonpaper Jan 2019
At the age of seven, I fell in love with a boy.
David made my heart race with anxiety.
I yearned for the simple touch of his hand holding mine,
to embrace him with my small, fragile arms,
and tell him how much I cared,
but I never got the chance.
I was just the girl in his first-grade class.

His brown hair flows down his neck,
then stops quietly before reaching his shoulders.
His eyes warm golden specks of light.
Your lips soft pink, waiting to be kissed passionately,
by someone, you'll someday love.  

The second has passed.
Time resumes it's place,
and I forget how to breathe.
You made me genuinely laugh and smile,
something I haven't done in months.
You haven't crossed my mind in ten years,
yet you still have this dangerous effect on me.

But it's not me who's in love.
It's that soft-spoken girl in elementary school.
The girl that laid in her twin size bunk bed,
looking at your yearbook picture fondly,
wishing you were hers,
remembering you will never be.
                              ...
I love hearing you explode with joy
when you talk about your hopes and dreams.
I love seeing your endless compassion for others;
you have such a beautiful soul.
You would do anything and everything for me.
I love the touch of your body against mine after being apart.
I love the taste of your lips when you kiss me with such intensity and desperation;
makes me fall in love with you over again.

I think of what could be as I walk to my car,
carrying a paper bag filled with oranges and water.
I dedicate this poem to all of my childhood crushes. I hope you're doing well.
Sep 2018 · 235
Who Cares
Thoughtsonpaper Sep 2018
Will you love me when I'm skinny?
Will you love me when I'm pretty?
Will you love me when I'm funny
or have lots of money?
The answer is no.
I could change in a thousand ways and still,
my life would remain the same.

My presence would go unnoticed
so what's the point in pretending.
Who cares how others perceive me,
it's a waste of emotional energy.

Burdened by my irrelevancy,
now I see that it's a blessing.
I can finally live freely.
Without fear of judgement
or someone abandoning me.

I can't lose what I never had.
So I will go ahead and speak my mind;
wear my imperfections with pride;
laugh in inappropriate situations,
and eat ice cream without being worthless.
I am tired of caring so excessively.
Apr 2018 · 973
Lonely.
Thoughtsonpaper Apr 2018
Arms tightly linger around my waist.
Holding me close, trapped in place.
Oxygen lodged in my throat
I can’t breathe.
I began to choke.

When the emptiness settles in deep,
She always reminds me no one loves me.
Heavily intoxicated by my tears,
Dancing in the gloomy atmosphere.

Hurtful words hang in my ear,
Maybe this was meant to be.
Me and lonely.
Together it seems.
Dying in love for eternity.
Hopeless.
Apr 2018 · 550
me
Thoughtsonpaper Apr 2018
me
i lost you in spring
you didn’t say a word
not one goodbye
a warning, a verb

left empty handed
alone and distraught,
that someone could break
a lonely girl’s heart

i question your motives
each day that i breathe
longing for answers
i’ll never receive
Feb 2018 · 476
Yellow Days.
Thoughtsonpaper Feb 2018
yellow makes you smile
even though you are hurting
the warmth of it comforts you
like a loving mother
holding her newborn child

i was blue for so long
yellow was a foreign concept to me
finding sparks of happiness
amongst the pain
was hard to do
now it’s second nature

yellow represents hope
it’s vibrant and pure
the feeling you get
when someone compliments you

when yellow came around
i forgot about blue
experiencing unexplainable joy
with no logical reasoning attached
i now stood in peace
as the raging storm passed through me

i wasn’t used to this mysterious feeling
so I sat and questioned it’s meaning
soon my friend anxiety decided to pop in
following blue
she looked so sad and frail
i ran and held her tight
until her pain was unknowingly transferred to mine

yellow never sits still
it comes and goes
that doesn’t mean you
can’t enjoy it’s stay
life can’t just be filled
with yellow days
now and then
you need a little grey

sometimes we’re blue
a skeptic to our own existence
some days we’re green with envy
because we’re no longer content
with the way we’re living
sometimes we’re a burning flame
with red chills rushing to our face
some days we’re yellow
and give ourselves grace
that nobody’s perfect
and go on with our day
Hold on to what gives you a glimmer of hope. Enjoy your yellow days, and remember you're not the only one that feels blue. I'm right here with you.
Thoughtsonpaper Feb 2018
If a girl is hopelessly crying in a forest and no one is around to hear her, did she actually cry?

All that you’ve heard about Rapunzel is pure lies.
She had jet black hair, that was darker than the midnight sky.
Entirely broken inside, waiting to end her life.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you what really happened tonight
Grab a delicious treat and something sweet to drink.
Before I wish you a goodnight’s sleep.

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Rapunzel
Since the age of ten she had been locked away in a monstrous tower.
Kept in chains by her demons all day.
They liked to play games with her mental state.

One of the games included, Simon Says.
Simon Says, cut a blade through your wrist.
Simon Says, bang your head against the brick wall,
Until you begin bleeding and start to fall.
She hated Simon Says,
But she always obeyed what they said.

Mother Gothel was an antagonist; a myth.
Rapunzel made her up in her mind to have someone to blame,
For all the wretched pain which she endured everyday.

Loneliness became her closest friend
As she sat alone in a cobwebbed den.
Listening to the clock ‘tick tock’ in her head
Over again like a broken record.
Making her want to rip her hair out to shreds.

The voices screaming in her head made her psychotic.
No one cared about this depressive girl,
More than they did about summer rain.
They all couldn’t see her suffering, so it didn’t matter.
Instead they threw her in a tower, an architect built.
So her mind could rot in tiny pieces, lying still.

One day a boy named Flynn came into the mix.
He loved her with all his heart; they could never be apart.
When he was around, her eyes light up.
Forgetting the misery that came after dark

Tomorrow came along.

Rapunzel was found sobbing in her fragile pale hands.
“Leave me alone!”, she screamed in terror with her eyes closed shut.
Shaking uncontrollably, while the rain and tears flowed as one.
Just like the river she wanted to drown herself in.

Flynn gently helped her to her feet in panic.
The electricity still flowing through her entire body.
“I love you.” he softly whispered into her ear.
“I love you!” he says with passion and honesty.
Her breathing slowly came to a halt, after hearing him speak.
He made her believe that life had some meaning.

Her soul now feels at peace
She looks at him with pure sincerity  
He whips her tears away, “I’ll never leave you”.
A promise he can never keep.
“I love you too”, she says with ease.
Their eyes meet together, as they laugh in unison.
Lips softly meet as one; the night has just began.
This is the happiest Rapunzel has ever been in years,
Too bad it will all suddenly disappear.



It was all an illusion.
Rapunzel suffered from Schizophrenia.
Flynn was a figment of her imagination.
An escape from her cruel reality she faced.
The townspeople didn’t want to deal with her mental illness.
So they washed her away, to be left astray.

People hate what they don’t understand,
So everyday for eight years she sat freezing in sorrow.
While her demons devoured her spirit.
Incapable of love and affection.
With a hollow chest where her heart should be.

In order to cope with the ‘life’ she was living,
Her mind made up Flynn.
Though they were madly in love; he was a fairytale.
As years went by depression ate her whole.
She died alone, in a pitch black room.
No light seeping in, with nobody to love and hold her.
To tell her everything will be okay,
And keep her heart beating in place.

If a girl dies alone in a tower, where everyone hates her, and no one is around to witness her death: did she actually exist?
The End.
I dedicate this poem to my childhood self. You deserved and deserve better. For all the sunny days people shattered with grey clouds.

I hope this poem means as much to you as it does to me. Don't stop until your reach "The End". I promise you won't regret it. I swear.
Feb 2018 · 251
Orphan Girl.
Thoughtsonpaper Feb 2018
Brother took advantage of me,
No one seems concerned, but me.
I want him to be tortured for his mistakes,
But that will never come to play.

I need to get out of this facility.
Surrounded by people who put me through misery.
One day you’ll push me too far.
Ending up with shattered bones, and colorful scars.

I can no longer live like this.
Where I hide in my room
Avoiding any degree of conflict.

Just leave me on the side of the road.
Maybe a **** will take me home.
At least he’ll care if I live or don’t
If not; I’m a worthless *****.

A dead body can’t make you any money.
Unless you’re in a will, by someone fairly rich.
That doesn’t think you’re a stupid *****.
Who loves you more than their mercedes benz
And treats you like a royal gem
Feb 2018 · 229
Broken Stars.
Thoughtsonpaper Feb 2018
the ocean roars
gently through my ears
as i dream about
our first kiss

soft and gentle
like your skin
bolts of electricity
rushing in

can we go back
back to that moment
when love was a galaxy
worth exploring

it’s too late
the picture of us
is tarnished
crumbled up and recycled
saving the world is vital

reality violently
floods my room
i float calmly to the top
forgetting I can’t breath
but that doesn’t concern me

if something is broken
you throw it away
must be why
you killed me in vain
#poetry #heartbreak #reminisce #broken #lost #confused #hopeless

— The End —