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Mar 6 · 36
i looked up
Amelia Mar 6
i was nervous.

my fingers trembled slightly
as i lifted the cup to my lips.

the piping hot liquid touching my tongue
burnt me
but the sensation felt akin to a physical expression of my
incorrigible thoughts

i did not dare look up, so
i kept my head down for as long as i could

perhaps i lifted my head because my neck felt too tired
or as my skin pricked under the keen eyes of the pretty barista that circled my table 5 times

but i looked up
with bated breath

the empty seat across me greeted me first
the people around me never ceased their conversation

the pubescent teenager sat diagonally across me never paused his incessant chatter
the elusive woman looking to be a tortured artist in her 30s had her eyes glued to the book in hand

i turned to my right

the pretty barista was at the furthest end of the cafe
she had her back against me.
is anonymity a blessing or curse?
Sep 2021 · 252
when it's convenient
Amelia Sep 2021
it has been 8 years
since the union
since i've called you dad

so far, every year remains the same

i'll pass you a handdrawn card on father's day, a warm smile on my face
i'll write the words i love you over and over again for years

'you are the best,
  thank you for staying,
    thank you for not leaving
     thank you for taking care of us'


but the next day,
when the teacher asks us to write down a deep, sentimental reflection on our parents and our love for them

without hesitation,
i'll write about my mother
and then pass it up without a second thought

within the far depths of many sleepless nights,
i'll still cry,
whispering
i don't have a father

then i'll ask myself
how cruel i must be

how when its convenient,
you aren't a father, not to me.
Aug 2021 · 323
what i was doing wrong
Amelia Aug 2021
a subtle brush-back of my hair, a glance there, a shy look-up and a soft smile as i read an intellectual book-
i adjust my blouse, absentmindedly stirring the iced coffee between my fingers decorated with polished acrylic nails-
as my eyes stray beyond the reading material-
they linger on the couple engaged in an embrace on the sidewalk with grinning faces.

my lips curled into a ghost of a frown, eyes dropping back down

my narration stops
my internal monologue begins
as i question for the hundredth time that day
what i was doing wrong
to not be in that place
it often feels 'wrong' to not be dating/to have not dated.
Aug 2021 · 115
tell me
Amelia Aug 2021
here i am, once again,
sitting on my bed,
wishing desperately to the 11 11 on the clock.

'as much as i know how you feel,
i want this so desperately to be real.
can you like me?
can you feel how i feel?'

if this is all some mythical tale like the ones my mom used to tell me before bed,
can you grant me a wish like that genie did?

there's no need for a true love's kiss.
all i want is time,
all i want is you,
that all
will do.
Jan 2021 · 83
2 young girls
Amelia Jan 2021
back then, a young girl often found herself holding hands with another girl similar of age, as they braced storms and met with trees, watching the leaves turn with age

an adventure that didn't begin with the sunrise and didn't end when the sky became an ebony that matched their hair

one girl thought they would be friends forever and

maybe they were in an alternate reality, far away from their present

so she still believed.

but, the girl began to worry more as the calender flipped pages

she had thought maybe memories weren't meant to hurt so much,

"Maybe my heart was in my body but was never mine,

maybe i lost my best friend,

my everything,

in a stormy sea one day,

when the forecast showed nothing but clear skies for the future decade,

maybe the loss did not hurt more than the knowledge that she didn't love me."
an unexpected loss of love
Oct 2020 · 54
and for a minute
Amelia Oct 2020
and for a minute
the world is illuminated by a thousand stars, where each
seemed to shine fondly down on you

you turn to your side
your smile widens, to an extreme you didn't know was possible before

you finally knew
what they meant by 'friendship'
you finally knew
what they meant by a 'friend'

you finally felt like
when sitting in a cold cinema,
the only source of warmth is no longer from the overheated projector

and now you know
warmth could come from a person too.
sometimes, friendship feels like an extreme source of happiness
Oct 2020 · 41
i can't
Amelia Oct 2020
trapped, trapped, trapped
breathless
i
can't
breathe

a song loops in my head
the dreary tune
of some indie song
that weasled its way into my head
stuck in a loop,
playing like the background music to this emotional scene of my own movie.

i can't help it
i sob,
i choke on my
tears and scream silently into my blankets.

help me, help me, help me
i
can't
breathe again

my heart screams i want to get off my bed and leave the prison of my room
but
who was i kidding?
my skin rejected the touch of another
my pride rejected the cajoles of my mother.

my prison was not my room
my prison was me and i refused to let myself out.

please, please, please
i
can't-
sometimes, i can't breathe
Feb 2020 · 94
'crush'
Amelia Feb 2020
it creeps up like vines
entangling me
oh lord
i can't move
why?

i have to go
i have to leave these things called 'feelings'
for after that comes the devil
- infatuation

please spare me from the horror itself
for i no longer want to be under that
'crush'
spell.
the fear of having a crush on someone again.
Feb 2020 · 78
the stars
Amelia Feb 2020
'why is it,'
i consistently asked
'do the stars light up the sky
side by side
so confidently
not in fear of each other?'

my mom turned to me, eyes alight with curiosity
'whatever could you mean?'

'it's just...' i hesitated with the words about to fall off the tip of my tongue but lacking their density and conviction to be given
'there isn't one star
there are many
and they all shine together
aren't they afraid one day
they would be overshadowed?'

mom laughed
'well
maybe they do
but don't you see
if all the stars were too occupied shining brighter than the other
the sky wouldn't be as beautiful

when you do your own thing
and not look at anyone else with ill intention at heart
can't you see how even more beautiful you would be?'
in my defence, science is not my forte.
Feb 2020 · 75
please excuse me
Amelia Feb 2020
talk, talk, talk
i hear myself speak

please excuse me
why can't i stop speaking?
come on come on
shut up shut up
you have self control
so come on now shut up

i'm sorry
i'm trying
oh lord why can't i shut up
please excuse me

please excuse me
i know you don't want to hear me
please excuse me.
Feb 2020 · 73
on my own
Amelia Feb 2020
i want to be alone
for its bliss is lovely

but i hate the feeling
of no warmth beside me

the dimness of the lamp
my only saving friend
why don't you stay
so we can grieve together
for we are too similar

where has it gone?
where have you gone?
this is the part where someone comes to mind
but truth to be told
my someone has always been a lie
the words were true
but my mind has been blank
all i know
is i crave for a warm
kind
hand.
Feb 2020 · 65
what an ordinary day
Amelia Feb 2020
what an ordinary day
i hear myself say

as usual
the sun hung high
as usual
there are people walking by

what an ordinary day
i hear someone else say

it's no secret
of this full-fronted desire
not this case for others
but for myself it was clear

the path to take and the direction to go
to be held up by only
and one and only
another human being
as they tower high over me

i long to be away
to be extraordinary yet i still cannot bear
this painful ordinance
am i detrimental to my own story?

i winced silently as the wind blew past
i winced slightly as i hear myself laugh
i winced slightly as i coughed within a conversation

what an ordinary day
i dare not say
for who i am to say
Feb 2020 · 127
contest
Amelia Feb 2020
what a race against time
as i long to call you mine
i try not to eye the sparrow by my side
as we fly,
high,
and with my staggering aside
i try not to think past the blinding realization
that i am put in this position
unable to be first

i try not to endorse
in this full-fronted sob cause
but how can i not
as i turn to look at you
with your beauty
and your spell
i fall under
and obsess
in this full never-ending contest

what makes an epiphany worse
is when you know
you know it's there
but you can't have it reversed.
Jun 2019 · 87
love to me.
Amelia Jun 2019
love.
what form could you mean? i knew of one, for all of my life (which, to be far, is a mere 16 years to spare).
from the moment i could speak,
before i knew what meant desire,
i desired for love, all big, all dire.

so, throughout the years it seemed to me,
endless of romantic possibilities.
it all took a number of heartbreaks,
and a painful speech,
for me to walk out onto the street
and find the one, the one that was meant to be.

ever since that day, i struggled deeply.
every happy moment not spent with him was spent in tears.
some days were good,
most were bad,
but years after our first meet,

i met another boy,
and we soon fell in deep.
regardless of this,
my first love remains,
for the first love that should be,
was always to be me.
Aug 2018 · 111
in over my head
Amelia Aug 2018
i made a mistake today.

and yesterday.

do you know what i did?

i turned a blind eye to your mistakes.

i shouldn't have,
but my feelings for you seemed to matter more
so i didn't stop myself from thinking you were perfect and
i didn't stop myself from falling too deep

by the time i realised how deep i was in
i was already drowning

maybe if i was physically drowning
someone would have saved me
maybe it could hav even been you.

but i was in over my head
and stopped listening to my heart

i guess it didn't matter in the end
when it all fell apart
May 2018 · 183
Miss
Amelia May 2018
when the soldier left from home,
he hugged his wife
and cradled his child
he left the house
with metal slung over his torso
and boarded the ship full of alike thoughts,
not ready
and never will be
prepared for this move

they landed on the ground
and felt the new air
already declaring in mind
their love for this miss wasn't as great as the other
but alas,
they had to make do

and as decades went on,
they were still engaged to this new miss,
some managed to live on to stay on it
but most went out under it
Dec 2017 · 398
My home
Amelia Dec 2017
Every morning,
When the clock strikes 5,
I get up and sit outside.

I count the people that walk past me,
I hear the words that they speak.

It makes no sense,
Why people want other's pain,
If I were them, I'd not feel sane.

That is why I wish for a peaceful meal,
And a day that wouldn't involve kills.

I want to reach home,
Without a hole in my heart,
And want to stay instead of falling apart.

Is it so hard,
To find what I desire?
I think it is,
Because I always feel tired.

When the people finally go away, I stand up and go inside my 'home', praying to make it alive today.
Dec 2017 · 762
The Truly Broken One Of All
Amelia Dec 2017
I felt like a doll,
emotionless and all.

I was able to move and talk and think but,
I'm not there, not really.

I looked out of the window and watched the people on the streets.

Some looking happy and excited,
whereas some looked bleak.

I felt like a layer of glass was
seperating me from the world.

It was hard to explain but what I wanted to do was for someone to help me.

They'd ask me if I was okay and I would look at them and say, "No. Not really."

But I know they'd flinch away from the fact and silently roll their eyes,

That I was another lying person,
Who would fake a smile but have problems for miles.

This time, however, it's a little different.
For I'm the person who helped others who fell,
When I'm the one who needed saving most of all.
Nov 2017 · 499
You Didn't Listen
Amelia Nov 2017
Why didn't you listen?
It would've been better if you did-

When we'd go to the fairs, I'd say, "Let's go onto the rides." And you would look at me with disbelief and say, "No. Let's stare at the lights."

When we'd go to parties, you would pretend I wasn't there.

When I'd ask if you wanted to go out, you'd say, "I don't have any time."

When I asked you for money, you would say, "I won't spare you a dime."

Look at where we are now. You, standing on the ground while I stare you down.
Amelia Oct 2017
What could the light show me?

I had nothing I wanted to see-
I had love and hope and faith and trust 'till she, crushed my dreams-

I could still believe and maybe succeed but I was still stuck in this place in my mind and I couldn't even breathe-
I tried to escape, from my cell but I What could the light show me?

I had nothing I wanted to see-
I had love and hope and faith and trust 'till she, crushed my was prevailed, and soon found-

Maybe if I didn't decide to give up, I would have lived-

Maybe if I realised my mistake, I would have another chance to see-
My regret was a strong as the burning pain in my heart-

Yearning for something as long gone as my life-
I remained in my still, quiet cell, knowing I wasn't worth well-

No one will save me-
No one will care-

For I would drown in my own despair-
I asked another question, in my head,why had I looked for the light when it was already dead?

Time ran, stripping me of its knowledge-
Until one day,I saw the flicker of a light-
It wasn't so bright but it allowed me to finally see a life-

I stood up from my corner to run towards it with a beating heart-
I stood up to run towards my future, with strangely not a heavy heart.
Jun 2017 · 1.7k
Chances.
Amelia Jun 2017
Chances-

I think of chances like little rain drops-

The moment you let go of a chance and let it slip away, is like the moment when you do not manage to catch the rain drop and it falls onto the ground-

Chances came by so frequently yet either we overlook it or we let it fall through our own hands-

Chances could fall right onto our laps and we choose to ignore it-

Chances could appear out of nowhere and it's always you to decide to use it or not-

Maybe that is why I am indecisive... chances are precious and I never want to pick the wrong one-

Chances open up new pathways to unimaginable experiences and teach you lessons and make you learn and feel so much-

Chances are like rain drops, they fall past you without you noticing sometimes and you lose them, just like that-

Chances and opportunities are so common yet we so often either overlook it, do not see it or won't use it-

Why won't you take that chance and just do it?
Jun 2017 · 226
Stained Blood-Red.
Amelia Jun 2017
First, there was a quiet bliss, the river steady and still.

Second there was a small rumble of noise, a sign of chaos, approaching.

Third, there came battle cries, from all points of the ocean sides.

Standing still and silent in the middle of the ocean, fully emerged into water.

The water, however, was not crystal blue.
It was red.
Stained red.
The colour of blood-red.

— The End —