Sometimes I want to live
Sometimes I forget to live
Sometimes I pray like this a thousand times
For just a little love .........

Sometimes I wish this would happen
Sometimes I wish that would happen
Sometimes I wait for you
For just a little love .......

It changes a little
It soothes a little
This heart skips a little, for an unfinished  dream
For just a little love ...

I too wish
To be your's
Someone with whom I can pretend anger
Someone who I can squabble with
For just a little love ........

No matter how many times I search, I can’t find that face
The one whose name appears every day in the story of my love
Every day I search for you
But every day I forget that you were always here, near me
Every day I find you invading my ruins with affection, riding my thoughts
For just a little love .........

I don’t know why my story is lost somewhere within two worlds
Then it is better if I narrate my story in my own words
I have been burned a little
I have been extinguished a little
I have been a little like smoke, riding on the winds
For just a little love ........

It changes a little
It soothes a little
This heart skips a little,  for once a dream
For just a little love ...

I too wish
To be your's
Someone with whom I can pretend anger
Someone who I can squabble with
Someone with whom I can watch millions and millions of stars

For just a little love ........

For

Just

A little

Love ............

I can see the tower
I can see the small window
I can see the small light
Drifting across the sea of silence
Dreaming wide awake in this beautiful night .....

The small radiance from the candle
Telling me a million words at once
It is still far
But that is my only guiding star ....

I wonder if you can see
That whatever wars come our way
In the end ... it's just you and me .....

Sea of time is breaking my small boat apart
but I will still come to you
And
I will set you free
So you keep watching the stars
And
Wait for me ......

Are you still awake?
Are you still looking at the sea ?
Are you still looking at the stars ?
I dare not to say
But
Are you looking at me? .....

Tell me,
If I come
Under your tower window tonight
Will go take my hand
And
Go away with me? ....

I don't care if you are royalty
I don't care about time
Because that little light
Told me all about you
I will claim what is mine .....

Yes it is true
I have no riches to offer
I have nothing worth to give
But I can set you free among the stars
Hold my hand
And believe ...

Tell me,
Will you cross the limit despite tempest & majeure?
Tell me,
will you go with me on my small boat? .....

Neither I will make any false promise
Nor show you the abyss of love, or blind endearment
Tell me,
Will you still go away with me?
On my small boat? ....

The looming darkness and the waning moon
My song becomes a blur
Come with me princess
I won't cast anchor
Anywhere anymore ....

I am waiting under your window
Sea at one side
The night sky on the other
I just have my small boat
Tell me,
Will you be on-board? .....

                                                      - the Doktor

THE END

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I heard that the other day you went to touch the blue horizon
Riding the waves
I heard that the other day, you walked along the salty shores
For miles and miles
I have never seen the sea, never glided on blues
Never caught a glimpse of the seagull's wings .....

Next time, when you'll go to the sea
Will you take me along?
Will you? ....

My sleepless nights I try to reconnect
But you're always up so high
My endless promises to reach among the stars
But you've always belonged to the sky ....

Living on, this self-centered life
If there is no love
Why am I fighting for peace? ....

I have heard that you still dream, still write stories, and
Chant music from the olden days from bottom of your soul
The Saga of human existence still makes you think
That love  blossoms like a rose ...

I heard that the other day that you with yourself
In an ensemble, discussed many complex conundrums
And unspoken words
Why this secrecy?
Why endless series of monologues?...

Touch my hand in the middle of a crowded street
And I will reconnect
Make me believe again
And maybe I'll look at your face ....

Today I am here at your doorstep
With my faithless soul, open arms and bending knees
With emptiness in my eyes,
There are no dreams in my sleepless nights ...

Can we just talk all night, love, just you and I,
Until the stars come down on our faces
And sing us a lullaby? ....

I heard that you still wait for the end of the eras at the edge of eternity
Maybe we will watch the explosions in the sky
The death of our existence
With your hand in mine? ......

THE END

                                                                        
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I'm scared that I would never be found .... always lost and tucked away in a corner where no one would bother to check......fading away slowly .. leaving my little sighs behind. But honestly,  I am terrified of the mere thought of being found. I don't want to show the broken mess that is me .... I don't want to acknowledge that I am weak and want to be found .... but somehow ... my heart yearns ... and I keep on waiting ......


I was working night shift a few days back and it was raining outside .... around 2  am I wrapped up my work for a brief moment looked outside the window before I head home ...... I didn't see the rain or the moon that was peeking from the clouds (maybe I'm just tired of looking at the obvious ...) ....


instead I looked at all those wonderful neon city lights and ... for a brief moment .... I felt that I was one of those millions of city lights .... a tiny little luminous piece waiting to make  ends meet .... buried  and forgotten within the bustling noise of life .... blinking on for just ......

a brief second in time .......

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
"15/06/2019
In my dreams,
I see we moved to the town we grew up in
You promised me you'd take me there again someday
But you never did ......

Well, I'm all alone there now
Sitting inside our 'special' treehouse
Waiting for you ...

Waiting for you
To come visit me with a box of fruitsnacks, a walkman and a bunch of cassettes
But you never do ......

And so I wait,
Wrapped and suffocated
Between my fever soaked sheets with my agony and loneliness ........

I know I've done a terrible thing to you ... to us
Something so unjustified .... so cruel you'll never forgive me for
I wish I could go back in time to change that hon, I really do
But I can't
Forgive me
Please? ........
18/06/2019
I feel so pathetic and helpless
Laying here day after day ... week after week .. month after month
Waiting for you .....

Every day I stare up at the cracks in the ceiling
And all I can think about
Is how unjust .... how unfair all this is .....

Whenever you come to see me,
I can tell how hard all this is becoming for you
Fighting for a lost cause
Trust me hon
I understand .....

I don't blame you ...
24/06/2019
The doc came in today
Told me I could go home
For a short stay .....

I'm glad to be coming home
I've missed you terribly
I missed my big buffon .....

It’s not that I'm getting better
It’s just .... it's just that this may be
My last chance hon
To say goodbye ......

But I'm afraid
I'm afraid that deep inside
You don't really want to see me the way I am now
That I don't have a place anymore I can call 'home' ...
01/07/2019
I don't know if you hate me or pity me
Or maybe I just tire you
Just ...... just stay by me a few more weeks .... and tell me it's all gonna be okay
Please hon?
Please? ......

It's just that when I first learned that
I was going to die,
I just didn't want to accept it .....

I was so angry all the time
and .... and
I ...I struck out at everyone I loved most
Especially you hon .... the man that stood by me through best and the worst
I'm so so sorry for saying such terrible things to you
Forgive me
Please? ......

That's why I understand
If you do hate me
But I want you to know this, hon
I'll always love you .....
04/07/2019
If by some miracle I get to hold you just for another day
I won't trade that wish for the world
You gifted me some wonderful years, hon
I ..... I just wish we had a little more time
A family ..... a baby to call mine .......

I love you so much hon
I wish I could show you somehow ........
06/07/2019
Well, these entries have gone on too long,
Funny .... this is the final page of the diary as well
Told the nurse to give this to you
After I'm gone .........

I told everything I had to say
When you'll get a chance to read this,
I'm already far away ....

I can't tell you to remember me,
But I can't bear for you to forget me
Don't forget me
Please? ....

Leave a little space for me in your heart
That's all I want .....
These last few years since I became ill
I'm so sorry for what I did to you,  did to us
You've given me so much
and ....and
I haven't been able to return a single thing .....

That's why I want you to live for yourself now
Do what's best for you, hon
If you’re out walking one day
and .... and
You feel a certain presence beside you
That would be me, loving you
Wherever I am ....

Love ... you were the best thing that ever happend to me ...

You made me ..... happy."

                                          
THE END
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The constellation that speaks it's name is the opening line of the zodiac
Endless search for a sacrificial Egyptian golden ram and the scent of gooseberries and lilac
Once the name is found
A prayer to Aries and tie it down in the hope of revelation on a pyre
At southern side a demon will writhe forever
No need for an open flame as the name is self destructive
Constantly setting itself on fire
Inhale, the dead language will choke the lungs like fever
Visions after visions will blur the reality with an eternal guilty desire
The lord of the flies will come and swim around like impalpable air
Recite and the sand will cage the rythm in the chest
On the ambivalance of life and death
One will see the crimson carpet
Of the carnival of flesh ........

Existence ..... such an unnecessary liability!
A paradigm of unimaginable perspective
But shift the paradigm one inch
All shall rattle and blend in such curious animosity
Embrace the forgotten skull
Of the once extinct sane race of neanderthal!
Gaze upon the clarity in silence
That we all hunted for eons
Part by part , bone by bone
Take off the clothing
Rip off the skin
Passionate love with all this dark (Atlast could it be!)
Such affection will leave a clandestine mark (a futile try, one cannot see!)
Come closer with the mark
All new and fresh
And at last one will be welcomed with open arms into the carnival of flesh ..........

Savor the meat
Of this putrid celestial beast
Oh! Why leave the bones?!
Bring forth the pearl white from the carcass
Feast some more
Send ripples across the threads
Enact a piece of spectacular exuberance
Dance little marionettes!
In our very own carnival of flesh .........
This ...... this maddening hymn forms the rhythm of absolute opulence
Participation is a must
Invitations are done
Don the mask and satisfy the masquerade
If not, how can one resist this intoxicating allure of mass psychosis?
Contemplate the ambiguity
Bring forth the searing guilt
Pour it all on the lone puppeteer
Satisfy the masqurade little puppets!
Burn with desire under such delicious insanity!
In our very own carnival of flesh ........

Knowing the love of art, despair snares the senses
Appear in most sedutive forms
Under a venomous pretense
Bodies grow accustomed to this all new lewd love charms
This grotesque spectacle leads the crowd far from the sight of God
Some die
some go insane
some breake with fatigue
And some enter a nameless wilderness
Deserted and broad ..........
Once all are tricked
The shadows will throw visions of festering wounds and filthy clothes
Into the bewildered eyes
The puppeteer will watch helplessly
The destruction's ****** reunite
No longer the dreams will stay in shapeless form
An empire of nightmares
The bed of fleur-de-lys becomes a tomb ......

Walk in silence
Oh! dear innocence
With blood as the surviving legacy
Walk soft, go slow
A tyrant's final solace in senility
Walk in the shadows
Up high and low
One is free from the allure
Now one can go
From the seat of eternity
A thousand weary eyes will watch this one soul go free from the timeless leash

One is fnally free

From the Cursed

Carnival Of Flesh ...........

Dear Lucille,
Come for me in the twilight of nocturnal hour
Close my eyes with soft kindness
The fading memories of you emerges from the night around me
Mist mingles its lamentation with the soft whispering of the sea
Deserted like a graveyard at the crack of dawn
In the hour of departure
Come for me
Oh my dear departed one! .......

Dear Lucille,
Cold frontier faces are now haunting the fragments of a lonesome heart
A king and queen now sit in an exiled throne
Old, alone in a forsaken kingdom
Friendless, forgotten and torned apart
In you the wars of old and the lust of the monarchs were originated
In you lost sailors struggle for a way out from the cave of shipwrecked
But Lucille, Oh! Lucille
You swallowed eternity whole!
Won't you come my way once more?
My self restraint is crumbling
My tainted trust , my betrayed love
You left me on the shore
Bound by grief , stunned by despair
Still you clung to desire
Like time you left me untouched
Yet swallowed eternity whole! ...........

Dear Lucille,
You satisfied me in the ambivalence of fury and dread
Came closer in the moist hours of dusk and dawn
Waited in silence as sorrow engulfed the horizon
Beyond love and carnal sins , you walked on ......

Dear Lucille,
Will you not come again?
Running along the rain soaked lane
Beautiful and pale
In the darkest of nights
Where so many a day
Made me blind , then grew gray
I count what I can't forget
And evetually fail
Oh my sweet Lucille!
Will you not come again?
For the one who gave up immortality to love you
Smiled and wept seasons through
Gave up his own flesh for the love he lost
Now raise his voice to you .......

Dear Lucille,
There was solemn solitude in our embrace
Intense passion in corner of our kisses
How deep did this desire of mine run!
You might never comprehend
Say, if I'm here no more
Will you come then?
Indeed I loved you; my dear friend!
I loved with my life and it came to an abrupt end
Indeed I loved you; I love you yet
But the swift judgement that departed us, now cannot be mend ........