When I was younger my mother would tell you that I was a quiet child.
I kept my words inside my head and spent my time in my head
as I slowly build an imaginary world that I still spend time in today.
It's been years since these worlds were created yet I still hold on to them.
They comfort me as I navigate the world that my body lives in.
The 'real' world locks away the wonder of living
And silences my imagination
The 'real' worlds music sounds hollow and damp compared to the perfect drift of freedom in my own imagination.
Who knows maybe they are real.
I look back and find my memories are bittersweet. Our conversations still whisper to me in the middle of the night keeping me awake.
I still remember a party that we both went to and I still remember a friend of mine begging me to not get drunk and warning me of the dangers that it could bring. I made them a promise and I kept it. I never touched any alcohol.
Yet seeing your face and that smile that you gave me when I entered a room made my head spin and my words slurred.
I realised at that moment that I no longer needed a drink I only needed to be next to you that night as I was getting drunk on a person
I'm sorry my body wasn't enough to make you stay.
I'm sorry that I loved you before I learnt to love myself,
I'm sorry that I fantasised about your eyes meeting mine.
I'm sorry that I loved you too hard,
But most of all I'm sorry that I gave you my heat without caring for what would happen to it.
You broke me and yet I still apologise for what you did.
Perhaps I was born to self-destruct,
In loving what I cannot have,
For falling in love with a bittersweet dream.
A dream only half received.
You skipped over love and gave me hate instead.
The thought of you brings up a conversation,
That I am not yet ready to share.
No matter how hard I try,
I still find your presence etched onto my soul.
The memories of you still send shivers down my spine,
And the thought of your touch still wakes me up in hot sweats.
Your the cork still stuck in my throat,
Or the words and memories still too buried,
Unable to claw its way back up.
This was meant to be about still loving someone who doesn't love you and trying to make it a little happy, but my mind went somewhere else.
I see the person I love
Loving somebody else
Another friend caching their eye
Sparking an interest that my dull body could never give you
Or a wider smile that you gave in my presence
So here we go again
For someone better
For someone more alive
Your eyes don't meet mine with happiness anymore
My words are not welcome to your days
So to save the pain and the heartache
Tell me you don't want me
Or love me
Tell me you don't care anymore
And I'll stop trying
I'll stop living for someone else
A puppet used for entertainment
If you don’t love me anymore
I'll hand you the scissors
And we’ll cut the strings
— The End —