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Jess Nov 2015
Something lost

You have to lose your mind

Something gained*

To find yourself again
Baby steps
Jess Oct 2015
I wanna tell you
That I do think about you at night
I wanna tell you
That sometimes I really can't sleep thinking of you
I wanna tell you
All the nasty things you say to me hurt so much
I wanna tell you
You've made me cry much more than a few times
I wanna tell you
That sometimes you make me want to die with the things you say and do
I wanna tell you
When you hurt me so much that I can't sleep
I wanna tell you
That you stress me out to the point that I'm losing my hair
I wanna tell you
Not to treat me like the things you hate
I wanna tell you
I'm extremely fragile, yet strong
I wanna tell you

You're  b r e a k i n g  me

I wanna tell you
That I still love you despite that
I wanna tell you
That it's not always the ways you hurt me that keep me up
I wanna tell you

S o   m u c h

Sometimes I feel like I can't

I'm so scared to lose you

I wanna tell you
You are so immensely important to me
You are my best friend

I wanna tell you
You are caring
You are genuine
You are not alone

I wanna tell you
That all I want is to love  and be loved in return

I wanna tell you
It scares me
I wanna tell you
That I miss the happy you
I wanna tell you*
I'm so worried
Jess Oct 2015
Feels like you're gone
Don't know if I'm referring to
You or me

Common sense tells me to run
At least until this is safe for me again

I like the hurt
I must be delusional  

I'm watching myself set me on fire
But you're the one pouring the gasoline

This pain in my chest
Brings me to my knees
Crashing down on the floor kneeling
Can't take this any more

Who's the god ****** liar?

You're lying to yourself
To accept the things that you do to me
That you know are not ok

I'm lying to myself
To accept the things that you do to me
That I know are not ok

I know you feel terrible about it
It doesn't make you bad
Just gotta get yourself back

What is this mess?
Where did you go?
This is very disorganized, but so is my mind right now
Jess Oct 2015
Wonder if you see what you're doin' to me
How you caused me to be a nervous wreck
Don't know what emotions to expect

Now I'm laughing
Like the Joker, I think this is funny
I don't know why

I'm gonna go cry

Guess you were protecting me
From that monster you didn't want to feed

I don't feel my heart anymore

It's just constantly beating
Not for me
But it's being beaten
Eaten from the inside out
Black and blue
Bruised, cut and bleeding

Oh how cliche

I make myself want to puke
The anger is creeping up on me
Your life turned into one giant cliche
Now it's time for me to pay
You did this to yourself

******* turn the time back
Be careful what you wish for kid
You'll get exactly just that
Jess Oct 2015
Stress so bad
It's got you puking
And now you're losing your hair
What's this?
Didn't know stress could do that
Oh, now you're puking in the toilet again
Got another fever
What's this?
It feels like appendicitis
Didn't know stress could do that
How did you get yourself in this mess
You can't believe this
Should I spell it out for you
Because if I tell you what it is
You going to go insane
Because you know it's true
This doesn't happen to you
This isn't happening to you
What's this?
Crying and laughing at the same time
Turning around breaking things in anger
Falling on you're knees
Alone in your room
Curling up into a ball
Tearing up all day and night
Why are you laughing
You don't know why
You feel like you're brain is fried
Oh, now you're crying again
You don't sleep any more
You know this isn't right
What makes you think you should go against your gut this time
You promised you'd always listen
No exceptions
You're blind
You love him too much
It doesn't matter that he's been your friend for years too
You know this ain't right
You ******* know it
Now you're in denial
You've made every excuse for him
You answer his every whim
He's got you controlled in fear
You're afraid to lose him
So you listen to every crazy whim
Not doing yourself any favors
You ain't doing him any either
Children need to be taught
Wrong and right
No matter how old they are
Should you be ashamed?
Think you like it
In some twisted sense
You think you deserve it
Now you're doped up on Xanax
You had some wine too
So desperate
It's all you had
Want to be knocked out
Because it stops the thinking
To take away all the stress
You could barely breathe
Drinking with your meds
That aren't even yours
But now you need them
Because now you feel like fainting
When you think
Didn't know stress could do that
You think you like it
Hell no
You don't like it
But you convinced yourself otherwise
But in the end
That's still an excuse to protect him
What are you doing
So lost in those rare moments
Of what he used to be
Still is
Behind it all
That's him
Not this
It's a broken record
Same two songs over and over
It's a game for how long each side lasts
Pretty soon he'll hit you
You know this
You know it
That's why you just had a mental breakdown
'Cause you know what's next
Cause you're blind
You know the truth
You just don't want to look at it
I just want my sanity back
But I won't leave
Not without you
Jess Oct 2015
You were the one
That helped me
Find myself
Once again

Lost in an ocean
Drowning in my vices
Of my hurting spirit

You told me it
That it was all me
That I had it in myself
To get up again
The whole time

But I still thanked you
For that helping hand

You reached out

To grab my drowning hand
And you helped
Me pull myself out

But now

I'm drowning again

And this time
You're the one holding me under

You are crushing everything
You've told me
That was so positive
So helpful
So kind
So caring

And you tell me
Exactly what I was telling myself
While I was drowning

I don't know why
You are doing this to me

You make me feel
So worthless

I feel a pain
Strait in my chest
For every time you hurt me
With venomous words
And a contorted face
Of misplaced anger

You even said
That I'm worthless
You told me I was pathetic

You told me
"I can say whatever I want to you,
And do whatever I want to you,
because I'll never lose you.

While you held me in you're arms

Stupid me
Said yeah...
Because it's true
I love you
Too much for my own good

That was
The most defeated voice
I've ever heard in myself

Where have you gone?
Please come back to me, I know this is not you at all.
Jess Oct 2015
There is something wrong
But I won't admit it
I pour my heart out
In everything I do
Especially for you

Everything I have ever done
For you
Had my entire heart
After all

But what is happening to you
I don't deserve to be treated like this

You're words become like venom
I tear up and tell you
It hurts
It hurts my heart

"Then you're not numb"
Is your emotionless reply

You're aim is to hurt me
So I become numb
Just like you

You take advantage of me
You know I won't leave
Because I love you
With everything I have
Or at least

You've taken it all

You're stripping it away
Little by little
Harsher every time

You're not making me numb
Or stronger

You're just breaking me
And over
And over
And again

And I still take it
Because somewhere I still see
Who you once were
Who you still are
Under the dirt

You think you are alone
So you push everything away
Before it pushes you out
So you create
You're own loneliness

Those demons you speak of
That is you
Not them
It's all you
Not being able to be responsible
For every action you regret

I don't know why you're so scared

Any sane woman would have left
The moment you belittled her
And hurt her
And made her cry
And became irrational

But I'm still here
Looking for the you I once knew
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