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not the usual format for my poetry but

I keep getting an ERROR code

this angers me

oh how I wish I could put an updated photo on my profile

-jazz hands-
Some days it's going to hurt
Its going to feel like my body is a stiff, unforgiving cocoon
And my vibrant colors are trapped deep inside and aching
Some days my bed feels like a cage of comfort
Self soothing but at the cost of others
I **** on a pacifier at night sometimes
Dipped in honey
So I can just barely connect with my cousins
Maybe tomorrow I'll fly with them

Sometimes I get real sad
That I don't have hard edges, and defining lines
I have dimples and ripples
Covered in marks and scars and hair
Take refuge in a branch that appreciates me
Enveloped from the sun
Barely audible whispers through growing tangling veins
Saying I'm enough
But others think I haven't hatched yet
That I have work to do
A droplet catches
I'm sensitive

Sometimes I understand it deeply
as deep as I'm inside myself
Other days I fantasize about breaking out
Vibrantly, with elegance
But at the end of the day
Beauty, and what that means
Isn't exclusively me
or you
There's no right way
Or wrong
I'm not a project
Or an unfinished song
At the end of the day
Its every single piece

And when it comes to yours, someone sees
a poem about the frustration with my body, both with the chronic pain I experience with my disabilities, and my appearance
Maybe we were drawn together
at fragile time
We saw too much
and accepted this as a paradigm

It makes me sick
what made you tick
was justifying lies
Standing proud
your tiny shroud
your pedestal of grime

And then I broke
you made me choke
on all our little pieces
I spit and sputtered everywhere
watched them float into the creases

Meanwhile my masterpiece was
painting pretty pictures of us
Displaying them
relaying them
in all 4 different seasons

I showed them off to others
exhausted to the core
While I scoured
for our precious tiny pieces on the floor

You stood above me smirking
taller than the sky
You knew I'd never find them
you knew that I'd just cry

One day I just stopped looking
and now I know thats good
Now I draw the line
between I can
and when I should

No longer am I hunched and crunched
on my knees and on my hands
Searching through the carpet fibers
through the dirt
and through the sand

But there's something that I never knew
When I finally said enough
When I held my head up high
And decided to be tough

They said that you would lie to me
And promise to be better
They said that you would write to me
apologies and letters

They said all sorts of tiring things
That I one day saw as true
I didn't want to see it
That the monster was just you

They said that I'd be better off
Once I finally leave
But they never told me years from now
I'd still be missing parts of me
TW: a story of an abusive relationship
I've lived my life in stages
Searched the spaces between stars
Ripped out pages that I hated
I haven't gotten very far
But when I feel ages have passed me on
When I lay my head down to cry
I think of how you came to me
Straight down from the sky
This is for you
I stand front and center
Cherish words that you learned
by phrase and by letter
And I promise my baby it all will get better
If we only try
I am only trying to get by

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do
But just know in the end, I do it for you
You saved me, ornately, a tiny cherub
The weight on your wings I was unaware of
Admittedly,  

I thought commitment
would be nothing but a figment
but instead of growing distant
I analyzed each pigment

holding onto hips
as well as every instance
biting lips at the thought of fingertips
heart eclipses

juxtapose
wrapped under the blanket from nose to toes
apposing clothes
disrobing
no need for them here I suppose
Crowned Bell of the ball
without a dress or even lingerie
Found a menagerie of reasons
that I'm at last able to feel this way

it's faultless
these pictures that my mind take are defaulted
on my mind most of the time
every freeze-frame simply flawless
I swear I never saw this coming
whether inches away or miles apart
distance plays no role
when it comes to matters of the heart

At last
demolition of walls constructed from my past
recognition of it all
wrapped and bandaged up my callused hands
Created by delusions
no tools of the trade
Put up an illusion
mercury in retrograde

I was afraid of moving backwards
but it’s simply not the truth
standing still upon my axis
time just stops when I’m with you
Never felt so blessed in deliquesce
I’m melting where I stand
watch chaotic messes decompress
each time I take your hand

locks tangled
curls are mangled
climbing
intertwined
can’t make out where yours begin
or which are even mine

I’m lost in it
the thought of it is nothing short of bliss
not even scorpius’ bright collection
could shine as bright as this

Lull to sleep in seconds
breathless
before it took me hours
I tried every single method
excepting magic powers
magician you must be
tricks that mesmerize
I’ll be your assistant
if it means I’m by your side
Shiver cold, where has my home gone
structure isn’t made of brick or boulder
its collar bone, bathed in blue light from your phone
tip of the roof, your neck and shoulder

I shouldn’t dare, without a care is where I tend to do the most of my damage
You learn to share, and separate the pair, they send you off hoping that you can manage

Flesh and bone and heart and ache
in it in the end for what we take
optic tract symmetry
all we really want is everything

We learn what we see and we don’t say what we mean
What a world full of confusion
squeaky clean, you’ve never done a thing
Until it all comes down to the conclusion

So take it in, be sure you learn to swim
majority of us are drowning
so come inside, I’ll let you run and hide
And teach you all there is to know about me

Flesh and bone and heart and ache
in it in the end for what we take
optic tract symmetry
all we really want is everything
A love song I'm working on about
in
I couldn't resist her
Her eyes reminded me of our past
she was soft and plush
but different and it was fast
You are everything
I want no more of that
It's not you
just a part of me that's bad
Why're you still upset?
you know you're heaven sent
But then again
what did you expect?
I could have folded
this entire deck
Things were difficult
things were bad and wrecked

after all is said and done, its fine
love is, after all, simply a frame of mind
love is at its best, out of sight out of mind

I couldn't resist him
his eyes were like a dream
words you said
bursting at the seams
You are everything and some
Yes, you are everything and more to come
And I know, that nothing could get between
my baggage so touch and go
maybe I don't wanna know
But then again
maybe it's for the best
better than I could ever guess
I treasure, my best and closest friend
I put my misery behind
although it hurts from time to time

after all is said and done its fine
love above all else, is kind
and I heard sometime long ago, that love is blind
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