I once heard someone insinuate
That everything is infinite
That the moment something comes to exist
Even if it only exists for a fraction of a second
It becomes a permanent part of this universe
Because before it existed it was always going to exist
And after it dies away it will always have existed
And I think that was really beautiful to me
I love the feeling of infinity
I love the thought of things going forever
Reaching into different directions for eternity
I always loved the idea of eternity
The idea that there is something so big
So constant
So out of reach
That our minds can never really comprehend it
I love the idea that there is always going to be something more
I often say that I want to know everything
Which isn’t entirely true
I want to try and learn as much as I can about this world
And this universe
And this infinity
But more than anything I want to learn about things
People don’t know
I like secrets
I really like secrets
People act like we have this world figured out sometimes
But we never can
Because there is an infinite eternity out there
That our minds can never fully understand
There are things that no one has ever seen
Lives that no one has ever heard
Places that no one has ever been
Secrets hidden in our infinity
I know that I can never really know it all
But god
I sure can try

You made me feel like i was everything
In the chaos of my own mind you put your hand on my shoulder
And there was
Silence
You looked me in my eyes
And there was nothing but you
Everything was you
And I saw something
Something I had never really felt before
You were my universe
And I felt deep within my soul
And it was everything
You are my everything
And I felt everything
I found life looking into your watercolor blue eyes
I found love
In watercolor blue
And love is my everything
But this
This isn’t a love poem
You made me feel like I was nothing
I’m rather good at lying to myself
I’m rather good at telling myself
I have a place in my world
In my universe
In my everything
And I was rather good at believing a beautiful lie
There is no lie more beautiful
Than you
Than believing that I had a chance
Than believing that one day I could look at you
And your eyes would hold the same love as mine
That your eyes could show me something more than my own love
Reflected back
And a day will always come when we realize
When I realize
That a love unreturned hurts more than anything
That I am a speck in my universe
I hope you never know what that feels like
I love you more than anything I can say can give justice to
But this is not a love poem

You have been letting your life slip past you
Let it flow in between your fingertips
Like it was made of water
Just watching it slip by
With dull eyes that use to be amber
You are unmoving most of the time
Blank stares and tired expressions
Are only ever interrupted by bouncing twitches of fear
That are not rare
But not quite frequent enough to make up for the emptiness
You are sure of nothing
You know nothing
You are unable to perform simple tasks
You are defective
Wasting away
Unable to live
But just scared enough to be unable to die
So you sit
So you watch
With a blank worn expression
Watching your life run away from you
With twitching fear your only reminder
That you are still breathing
You are not sure of who you are
You are not sure if you can live
You are not sure if you know your own name
You are not sure if you can die
You are not sure if anything matters
You are not sure if you have meaning
Do you have meaning
You want to have meaning
But you are broken
But you are defective
Can you even have meaning
Perhaps you lost it long ago
Perhaps you never had it
Because perhaps the world knew you would end up like this
Dull and lame
Watching your life disappear
Who would waste meaning on someone like that
And still you sit
And still you watch
Defective
And fearful
And longing
A part of you longing for meaning
A part of you longing for life
A part of you longing for your love
A part of you longing for death
All of you longing for something you cannot have

My dearest love
I hope you never know what heartbreak feels like
I know that may be an impossible thing to wish
But I wish it all the same
I hope you never look into the eyes
Of someone you love more than anything
And see nothing
I hope when you love someone with all the blood in your heart
With all the thoughts in your brain
With all the good in your soul
I hope she loves you the same
I hope her eyes hold the same love when they look into yours
I hope her lips whisper it in your ears
I hope you feel it on her skin when she holds you
I hope she’s the most beautiful thing in your universe
But more than anything I hope that you are the most beautiful thing in hers
Because you were always the most beautiful thing in mine
Because you still are the most beautiful thing in mine
I hope you never feel the hurt you caused me
I hope you have the love I always wanted
I hope you see her in ways you thought you’d never see anyone
I hope she looks at you like you are her world and I hope you can see it
I hope you can see how loved you are
I hope you can see how beautiful you are
I hope you never feel heartbreak
I hope you never have your world see you as something less
I hope you never feel unloveable
I hope you never wonder why anyone would ever love you
I hope you never know what it’s like to feel like nothing
I hope you never feel the pain you caused me
I hope you never feel how much this hurts
You were always my everything
Do you know how hard it is to move on from that
I hope you never do
I love you more than anything
My dearest everything
My dearest universe
My dearest watercolor blue
I hope you never feel the kind of heartbreak
I have over you

No one heard you when
You broke your own bones one by one
And placed your splintered legs under you arms
Used them as crutches to convince people that you were healing
You wrote the book on destruction without noise
Silence is the only thing louder than a bomb
But your silence was the bomb that annihilated you
And everyone was deaf to it
And everyone was blind to it
And you never corrected them
You hit your hands against the rubble until they were bleeding and broken
Surrounded yourself with the jagged edges of everything you ruined
It’s no wonder you are terrified to touch the living
It’s no wonder people only see you from an arms length
It’s no wonder you remain loveless
You were the one who destroyed yourself
And you know it
Silence is the only thing louder than a bomb
And your silence is deafening
Have you ever noticed how it drives people away
How it drives people away
How you drive people away
Can you even see with those worn old eyes that use to be amber
Can you even feel with that burnt calloused skin
You are trying to put out a house fire with a spray bottle
You are trying to fix a detonated world with hands made of broken bones
Bones you didn’t even try to set
Covered in still drying blood
You didn’t even try to bandage
Is this what you call healing?
Your mind was a massacre
And your silence was louder than a bomb
And your detonation was invisible
Your detonation was invisible
Your detonation was invisible
You are awfully good at hiding
You are awfully good at tearing everything apart
Your world has been shattered
And you walk in the background like everyone else
Unnoticed
You are awfully good at being silent
And your silence is the only thing louder than a bomb
And your silence just wants to be heard

Bite your own lip until the blood drips down to your chest
They say you always looked so pretty in red
Claw at your own skin until you break it
Don’t you know stripes make you look taller
Scream out your lungs and decimate your vocal cords
They like you better when you’re quiet

It's sad really
I made a person in my head to sooth me
She doesn't clutch me in a tight embrace
Doesn't yell
Doesn't tell me that I'm perfect
Doesn't say tomorrow will be better
She just sits with me
Lets my fallen head rest on her shoulder
She lets me cry
And she does not hold me
Instead she softly rubs circles into my arm
She shushes me
But it's not harsh or demanding
It makes me feel safe

"I know sweetheart, I know"

I've only ever wanted someone to truly know
And she does
Because she's me
But I pretend she isn't

"You've been fighting so hard, sweetheart, harder than anyone thought you could. He'd be proud of you."

I can feel her hand now.
Tears are welling in my eyes and typing this is
blurry
She isn't real
She doesn't have a name
Her face shifts so often I don't even know what it looks like
But it's alright
I don't really have a name either

I wish I didn't have a face

It's sad
I'm sad
I've made someone to sooth me
She isn't real
But at least she doesn't tell me I'm perfect

I think it’s the ordinary that really gets to us
We have to put meaning to the ordinary first of course
Perhaps that's why we call it extraordinary
Our own meaning fused with something that could be everyday
I think that’s the most beautiful way to look at it
I really do
We have to find the beauty ourselves
For it could be anything
Anywhere
And you’ll know it when you see it
It’ll strike you
Throw you for something you thought you’d never see
So incredible you feel you may have disappeared from the world you've known so long
This is a long winded way of saying I found a phoenix
It’s surprising what you can find when you’re not looking
I was so busy try to wrestle overgrown blooms from my lungs
I almost didn’t see the bird flitter down onto the windowsill
Mighty and bold
Soft sparks exploding from every flap of his wings
He’s beautiful
And his song even more so:
Strings of fiery passion
Stories of all he’s heard and seen
And a kindness that runs deep and rampant
Like a river of white flames
And there I sat
Eyes softly weeping amber
Hands covered in dirt and blood reached into my chest
In the process of tearing out flowers that should have never been mine
What an impression to make don’t you think?
I wonder what he must think of me now

I truly think he’s beautiful
And as a bird does
He flies and he wanders
His life is separate than mine
Yet the moments that intertwine are those to behold
His sparks and flames do not hurt
But rather aid small aching joints
That have been too cold for too long
His song radiant and bright
It brings hope to my own soft voice
Humming along tranquilly
Sometimes
I can still see the falter in his wings
Hear the stutter in his song
He tries so hard to hide it
I want to help him
Reach out my hand
But I fear my help is unwanted and burdunous
After taking the plants from my veins
Blooms from my lungs
Cuttinging most roots from my heart
I have been reduced to what I once was:
A small and empty pond
How can a pond reach a hand to a phoenix?
How can something made of water even try and touch something of flame?
Perhaps I am just foolish

I think I’m the only one who can see the phoenix
Rather
I think I’m the only one who can tell he’s a phoenix
I don’t understand how some can look upon him and turn away
How can they not see
The fire
How can they not feel
The heat
How can they not hear
His passion
His stories
His kindness
I’ve started to wonder if he even knows
Does he know?
Does he know what beauty he holds?
This question now plagues my sleep
I wish for him to return, if only for a moment,
To see his reflection
Perhaps a pond can be good for that if nothing else

They call him a sparrow
Which would be fine if they didn’t say it with such disregard
They really cannot see it?
They compare his crimson coat to dust
His passion to ramblings
His fire to wildness
His kindness… can they just not see his kindness?
How can they not?
They call him a sparrow
As if there is nothing to the word
As if there is nothing more
They call him a sparrow yet they do not look upon him
They do not listen
They call him a sparrow
And he believes the way they say it
There is always more
So much more than what they say
I think it’s the ordinary that always gets to us
Beauty can be anywhere
Anyone
If I ever call him a sparrow
It will not be negligent of all I’ve seen
Beauty is in the ordinary
And a sparrow can still be a phoenix

This is for every time
The words “I love you”
Were almost spoken
For every time
They died on my lips
For every time
I meant it in the silence
This is for every time
You made me feel like I was everything
For the times you looked at me
Like I was the only person in the room
For when you smiled so wide
Every first time you saw me
This is for the garden inside my body
For the flowers so deeply rooted in my heart
I have become one with them
For the blossoms inside my lungs
And the vines wrapped around them
For the butterflies in my stomach
And caterpillars in my ribcage
This is for every time you thought I was someone
For the quiet talks in the dark
For the times you told me I was worth it
For the times you told me you liked who I was
Who I am
This is for my silent who am I
This is for the night I almost took your hand in mine
For the time I looked you in the eyes
And almost asked you to kiss me
You are the only person I’ve ever really wanted to kiss me
This is for every time
You made me feel like I was nothing
For every time you walked away
For every time you looked right through me
Like I wasn’t even there
This is for every time
I wondered if you even care
Every time I notice your smile doesn’t feel real anymore
Every time I stand frozen in the shadows
Not knowing what to do
Holding my hand close to my chest
Like it was burned
This is for every time
I felt left behind
For every time
I wondered if you even like me
If you even like talking to me
Or if you just put up with me
This is for every time I thought I was a chore
This is for the love behind my eyes
For every time I looked at you like you were my everything
For every time I looked at you
For you are my everything
This is for the way my heart pounds
The way my cheeks blush
The way I genuinely smile
This is for the way I cry
For how I know you will never hold me
How you will never love me
The way I love you
This is for the way
I can never get you out of my head
This is for the way the garden in my body kills me
The way the blossoms and vines keep me from breathing
The way the roots squeeze my heart
The way the butterflies and caterpillars eat my insides
This for the way I let it
This is for the way I love you
And nothing will ever change that

I've started meditating
Sort of
My throat hurts a lot when I think about it and try and do what i'm supposed to
It hurts now actually
Maybe i'm not breathing right
Or sitting right
Or I could be too dehydrated
But I really like the sound of jasper lake
I hadn’t even know it existed
I just saw it on the list of sounds
And sort of knew
I think its because its called Jasper Lake
The sound is not as loud as I wish it was
But I still like it
The water and the birds
I’m not very good at this whole meditation thing
But I do like white noise a lot
I think after this track ends I’ll try another
Probably one of the rain ones
I do like the lake ones though
They’re pretty and have bird songs
My Friend could maybe even tell me what kind of birds they are
Maybe I’ll show her
Maybe not
I never really know anymore
I think I like writing my thoughts like this
Like a poem
It feels natural
My throat hurts again
So does my chest now
I don’t like that
And I can’t figure it out
It’s upsetting
Actually after this I think I might listen to What Am I?
I’ve been feeling it recently
I wonder where Jasper Lake is
I think I might google it