Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Sep 2019 · 63
I’m being born again
The Willow Sep 2019
I’m being born again

Born without flaws
Believing in nothing while
Believing in God

I’m being born again

Blessed anew
My parents aren’t there
But they’ve been here before too

I’m being born again

God forgive me, for
I’ve done nothing wrong
Except break my heart
And sever my neck
with the shards


I’m being born again

Made of glass
My soul is so see-through
Look closely, you just might see me
in the way You see everything around me.

My blue eyes daunted
My heart is so soft
My hands have been silenced
It’s eaten me up

But God forgive me,
I’m being born again.
May 2019 · 70
Coffee and existentialism
The Willow May 2019
Sitting in a coffee shop
Who knows what’s going on?
Who’s swallowing *******
That I could stomach this late in the day?

Will it make me jittery?
Will it help me sleep at night?
please could you tell me
Why we all found ourselves here at this moment?

Who here is the loneliest?
Who here is closest to death?
Who here is going to make love tonight
To the love of their life?

Anyone?
Is there anyone?

Is there anyone here in love and not in coping?
Anyone brilliant without *** smoking?
Anyone grounded with a bad past?
Please, tell me if I can make it through this life alive.
May 2019 · 57
Untitled
The Willow May 2019
You are the reason I didn’t **** myself yesterday.

You are the thing that make me the most excited, the most scared,

The most alive.

You fill me up completely, feeling my edges where my trauma lays deeply and my stomach is full of regrets.

You play me boy, you play me
Like you play video games
Obsessively and completely

It’s annoying at first
Until I realize that that is how you play all things in your life.

You play.
You child wonder,
My grown man sparkling eyed wonder.

I didn’t **** myself yesterday, and you were the reason why.
For now, that is all the reason I need.
The Willow May 2019
I’m jumping
Twisting
The air only listening

As I take this fall to be free.

my heart is still bumping
My mouth can still speak
I’m trying to create value
What value is it that they seek?

Is it me?
Am I it?
Am I what I’m supposed to me
The bringer of monotony
The agonized killer of creativity
how do I rid my skin of this sin
Of forgetting all I want to be?
Jan 2019 · 210
Untitled
The Willow Jan 2019
I drink to forget the drinking buddy I once had.
Jan 2019 · 122
Today I miss you
The Willow Jan 2019
Today I miss you like I miss
A song I love that I haven’t heard
In years.

I replay memories to hold hands with your soul.
I talk to cats with the same tone you do.
I count down days to see you, knowing that
Those numbers don’t mean anything.
A countdown only counts down the planned event, not the things that could unexpectedly happen.

I miss you too much,
Too attached,
Too emotionally attached,

But this is how it is today.
So I will feel everything,
Love everything about you,
And love myself for loving to much.
Dec 2018 · 115
The day after you: part 1
The Willow Dec 2018
The day after you,
I danced in the mirror,
Holding my hips together with the knowledge
That I was my own again,
With the feeling I was free.

I put on my guitar and chased the cat
Around the house,
Singing songs about how
If she didn’t stop eating
She would grow too big for the box she slept in
Too big for the house,
She’d be a fat Supercat.
I haven’t sung like that in ages,
Haven’t played pretend for years,
Besides fooling myself into believing you’d loved me.

I guess this is my way of saying I outgrew you.
The Willow Dec 2018
I draw on myself
With marker
Pictures all over
When I get antsy
When my nervous system wants to fight with my self esteem
And I crave
Creating an outlet for the pain.

And boy,
These past few days of trying to keep space from you have got me covered in ink.
The Willow Dec 2018
How did it get this far?
How have we found ourselves here?

We are both closer and further than we have ever been.
Am I closer or further to who I am?

I am like a child trying to show you who is boss
But my insides are rotting
Still hoping you’ll call

I know my love for you is in the cellar
Packed away
But holding up my entire house
Molding and decaying
Supporting and sustaining
Dec 2018 · 86
Emotional self harm
The Willow Dec 2018
But what if I’m a closeted *******
I find myself hurting in ways self imposed
I can’t breathe easy for long without choking myself
I cannot understand how someone drinks for fun
I cannot understand breathing clean air for long
Nov 2018 · 143
I ran from feeling
The Willow Nov 2018
I had to slide my consciousness asleep
Tip it towards unthinking
Running from believing the thoughts:

If I don’t want kids because of the mental illnesses I would give them, why do I believe I am any more worthy of living?
The Willow Nov 2018
Tonight
I am falling asleep to my ribs caving in on themselves
My breath short circuiting
A panic attack from the years of surpressed neglect
Dug out of me from therapy paid out of my pocket
I traded this from drinking money
Knowing drinking didn’t make my shadowed memories go away.

Oh, but believe me, I’ve tried.


And you still don’t understand why I never show up for the holidays.
The Willow Nov 2018
My wings are smoothed out
I am crashing
flying to get to you
Flying home
bound by the weatherman’s voice
Saying it’ll be smooth sailing
No sign of failing
My heartbeat is failing
Favoring ailing over being without you

Don’t smooth me out
Keep me rough
So you can get a good grip on me
So I don’t lose my grip on reality
Stay with me
I am crashing
Stay with me
It’s smooth sailing to say
we’re just good friends
No repremends

Unleast until my heart gives out .
You can’t say a word to them, because then there would be consequences. But I am a time bomb, waiting for when this lack of talking on your end blows up on mine.
May 2018 · 665
Nuclear Shadows
The Willow May 2018
There is danger in living for others
in your darkest place.

There may come a time that
those people are no longer there,

Their shadows etched to your walls,
like the images of people from atomic bombs,
are the only evidence in your glazed over eyes
that someone was ever worth living for at all.
May 2018 · 345
Thoughts while you slept:
The Willow May 2018
I know a single human shouldn’t be the reason for living,

But as my list of reasons for dying grows longer, one reason counteracts them the most:

If your beautiful soul is still here and has the audacity to exist in this world, then maybe I can too.
The Willow May 2018
Is it considered assisted ****** if I am the one that gave the
parts of the brain that want to **** themselves to my child?

Would I be condemned if they didn’t stand a chance against the one thing they couldn’t control,
Their own genes?

Wouldn’t it be
Just as much me
If they were the ones
In the battle against their brain?
Apr 2018 · 192
You always cared the least
The Willow Apr 2018
They say
The person who cares the least
Controls the relationship

If this is true
Than you have controlled me
For a year

But today
I am not in love with you anymore
And I pray to God
That it stays that way.
Mar 2018 · 270
My spirit needs spirits
The Willow Mar 2018
From the way I slouch over
This table
Lower spine crumpling over
The weight of collapsing shoulder blades
You would think I had a drink
In front of me.

I shudder as a song comes on,
Shudder in the way that
nature gets very still after a gunshot,
as if the lack of movement
Itself was louder than any shake could make.

And as I sit silently, quaking internally,
I can’t help but wonder if this feeling
Of you
Is one of craving
Or being hung over?
The Willow Mar 2018
The thing I dream of most
Is having the times I say
I love you
Outnumber the times
I couldn’t say it but wanted to.
Mar 2018 · 284
I know I’m needy.
The Willow Mar 2018
I’ve had the phrase
“Families are forever”
Repeated so often to me
It’s been tattooed on my chest
But every time I look down
To see if it’s still there
The sentiment is still in my skin
But the people have taken a leave of absense.

(If I could go over to your house every day
To ask you if you still love me,
It would be enough,
But no less.
That’s the trouble with the family-less ones.
That’s the trouble with the abandoned ones.)
Mar 2018 · 156
While I slept, I worked
The Willow Mar 2018
When I was 18,
I would pray that while I slept
my soul would visit those who were
Lonely
Unloved
And hurting
While they slept too,
So that no one
Would be completely alone at night.
Their first conscious breath would be
Dusted in the feeling that they
They were watched out for by someone.
Mar 2018 · 156
It Was a Monumentous Day.
The Willow Mar 2018
I did not speak of you today.
I missed you briefly, than not at all.
I did not think of the way
You didn’t love me,

Instead, I thought of all the ways I loved myself.

Creating my life for me, instead of waiting for you to
Come back.

I was happier than I’ve been in a year.
Mar 2018 · 174
Detox
The Willow Mar 2018
I plan to write a poem a year from now
Naming all the things I’ve done without you
And all the things I’ve done because of you.

I don’t know what the first one will look like yet,
But I plan the second
To look something like this:

1. Wrote a lot of poetry
2. Wasted a lot of time
Mar 2018 · 212
Drunk on Pills
The Willow Mar 2018
I’m drunk on pills
Feeling an attack on the back of
My head
Getting louder
Who’s there?
It’s him.
What’s that?
Everything you could never say.


I dream of living in a place
Where I can tell you how much I’ve thought
About you
Where every painting
Music written
Smile given
Is equivalent to how much I write about you
Boy
How much I think about you
Boy
If you ever found me
My heart
Apart
It’d be
The start
Of the end
“We’ve been over this”
You said
We never really spoke of it again

Our breakup hung heavy
It lightened up
But I still wonder
If it haunted your shoulders
The way it haunted mine
Whispering in your ears all the reasons
You could never be happy.
The Willow Mar 2018
I have prayed more to have these feelings for you
Taken away
More than I have prayed for anything in my life.

And after all this time,
I still care for you,
I still miss you every day,
I still love you more than all the words I’ve written about you.
Mar 2018 · 167
Disconnect
The Willow Mar 2018
While you broke it off last night
With a girl you discovered was crazy

I was shaving my head in my bathroom
Cutting every tie to guys I had,
Using a hand mirror
To get the angles I couldn’t see.
I am relieved that no one will want to date me now.

Would you like to borrow my mirror?
Maybe you could see the way
You are deciding that I am back in your life
But I haven’t agreed to anything yet.

I am listening to Jeff Buckley
In my car
And I cannot cry
Now, at last, I say to myself,
I know what kind of girls
You think are worth your time.
The Willow Mar 2018
Am I the song you can’t stop listening to
For a week and then get bored of,

Or the album you love most
But refuse to listen to it,
Afraid that if you hear it too often,
It will ruin the magic.
The Willow Mar 2018
I have committed my life to loving you
But not being with you.
Where are the love songs for this?

Where is the consolation for the
Pit in my stomach that knows
The shape of your eyes like
The shape of my depression.

I have spent a full year loving you,
I have forgotten what it’s like
To not have you be the last thing I think about
Before I fall asleep.

You were more like a dream than anything.
Mar 2018 · 1.5k
Untitled
The Willow Mar 2018
Thank you, sky,
For reminding me today
That there are other shades of blue
Than his eyes.
The Willow Feb 2018
If all I do
For the rest of my life
Is fill the whole world with as many
Beautiful things as I can

For you

It would be enough.
It would all be enough.
The Willow Feb 2018
I pretend that I’m not in love with you.
But when I hear you laugh,
I can feel the butterflies nesting,
Even though I told them specifically
That they have gotten their address mixed up.

The butterflies couldn’t care less
Whether I want them there or not.
The Willow Feb 2018
Get out of my lungs.
Get out of my throat.

My mind swallowed you
and now there is no space for me to live

Get out get out

get out

can't you see I am drowning
I am
drowning

in the possibility

that you may never
come back

I am under the ice, unable to get to the surface
that is the fear that
you
may
never
truly


leave.
The Willow Feb 2018
The last time I say your name,
the night will be at its darkest.
I will say it one final time,
and then it will forget to come up again.

My blood will filter through my heart
and every ounce of AB+ will be positive that
it doesn't need you to survive.

My bones will be a little more brittle that day,
but my shoulders will pull themselves up
towards the sky,
uncovering the spine I forgot I had
when I would cave it around whatever you wanted.

My phone will just be a phone again.
My body will not be a punishment.
My hair will not be something to feel guilty of.
My eyes will just be mine.
My hands will hold my love instead of your ego.
My mouth will hold less secrets and more smiles.
My throat will not choke on the poison you gave me.

And I will be free,
unaware of the last time you came up again in my life,
for I have so much more to talk about than
you.
The Willow Feb 2018
[The poem's words are missing.

The opinions, feelings, and respect I feel
are no longer with me.
They have been abandoned by the vacuum effect,
for I wanted more for you to feel your worth,
your value,
then I cared to keep mine.
It is all gone now, and I am left with the empty space
of loathing you.
But it was I who allowed it to go,
It was I who allowed my soul to smoke and die
burning up,
I kept your spirit warm by
burning mine alive.

I couldn't even say who lit the match.]
Feb 2018 · 228
The Co-dependent Tear
The Willow Feb 2018
My dependency wasn’t entitled to trial
Denial can only beguile
so long as it holds up the final we fold up
And take from our hands evidence that we wrote up

But trust me
You must see
The irony
Disgusts me
It just means
You drugged me
With your formation of dependent depression
It’s always in session with you in my life
And its coping comes quickly
Evidence of your beckoning
Attachment not lessening
Your silence deafening
Deadening  
Leaving me
Dead and he
Didn’t even
Look behind his poison to see the reason
He hadn’t died in his sleep
I slept by him and weeped
I could have died by the drink
But he denied it, thinking
I wasn’t in danger if I was alone,
That the danger’s in strangers.
But the danger’s explained here
As being with him and he
Couldn’t even see
It.


Our death sentences his read
Despite her
Mine smeared,
**Because of
Feb 2018 · 2.3k
Him and You.
The Willow Feb 2018
(There are two characters in this particular story:
Him and You.)

He never thought of me as a poet, though I have written more poetry about Him than anyone else before.
I wrote a poem about him, spent hours on it, hummed it on a stage,
I got so close to the mic for comfort
I felt I was supporting myself on His secondhand drunken breath.
I once read it out loud to him, and it got lost in His head,
and I am unsure if He was ever aware of poetry He dismissed.

But You. You considered me a poet almost from the start,
I could see it in the way Your eyes were trying to tell Your mouth the words it needed to adore me, but Your mouth fell blank,
and so chose into kissing instead.
At least, that's how it went in my head.
You were upset with me at how little poetry I had written about You,
and even to this day, though we are apart for three years,
You still read my words.

Why?
Why do you still read?
Is it to make up for the words You skipped over in my eyes when You were close enough to read my irises?
Feb 2018 · 1.0k
Aftertaste
The Willow Feb 2018
If I think about all the ways I’m losing you,
I’ll drive myself insane.

Instead, I’ll think about everything I’m gaining:

My sense of humor back
My real laugh
My productivity
Feeling like myself again
My self respect
My voice
My time
My dreams that do not include you
Feb 2018 · 210
A word about soulmates
The Willow Feb 2018
You may meet someone you believe you’d
Met before.

I believe you.

You may fall in love with this person
Very quickly.

I see it.

You may have such deep insight on who they are as a person, want to always be there to see them for the beautiful soul they are,
Even when they cannot.

That’s real.


But in all this talk of soulmates,
Never forget,
You are your first and last soulmate,
And if anyone,
I mean anyone,
Makes it harder to be your own soulmate,

Than they might have known you before this life,
But they can’t continue living it with you.
Feb 2018 · 290
How to Heal
The Willow Feb 2018
Sometimes,
The best way to heal
Is to focus all your attention on the problem,
Set the broken bone, cast it up good.

But usually
After you have done that,
It is best to leave it alone
And trust that the body knows how to heal on its own.

To give a scab attention usually causes more bleeding.

Trust the process. You don’t have to stare directly at the sun to know it’s there.
Feb 2018 · 165
Nomadicy
The Willow Feb 2018
The air in between you and him is killing you.
It cannot be from God.*

But God gave me my family
And I have been trying for years to forget that.
The air between me and them
Is the slowest death of all.

It has just finally progressed enough
That when a friend says,
“Look, if you don’t tell me you’re going to be ok, I’m going to have to call somebody,”
I laughed.

Who was he to call?

I was born alone from the beginning, nomadic blood imposed upon me.
Feb 2018 · 454
A public prayer, silent
The Willow Feb 2018
When I met you
A part of my soul was returned to me
Through you I breathed a full breath for the
first time in this life.
And I thought, how beautiful it is to breathe.

But now I am on fire
Can you see me burning?
Tonight I begged God to have me drop dead while you were singing
I begged him because my soul is much too heavy now
And without your healthy hands to help me
I’m afraid it’s too much for me to breathe.
Feb 2018 · 220
when will I not knock back?
The Willow Feb 2018
I imagine myself  
Vanishing from your life
Only become a myth you think about
When your head and heart get so soft.

Maybe if I disappeared,
The rotting taste in both our mouths reassuring ourselves everything is all right
Would morph into a craving for the long gone,
But sweetly remembered.
The Willow Feb 2018
Fight back,*

he says.

When those thoughts come of ending it, you have to fight back.

       my brain is addicted to sabotage,
      conflicted between overdosing on dopamine and
      self actualization.

     My wrists hurt from the work of self-loathing,
     careful girl, your evil soul is showing

     my pacing complacency faces the fact
     that he's not coming back
     I don't know how much he was ever here to begin with.

     Hide your evil soul, my child,
     complaining only puts the brain at it again,
     explain to me again how you were ever thought to be
     beautiful.

fight back, my love, fight back.

Who is it that is talking? Who is it that is wanting me alive, that has done everything in the power to keep me here?
There have been days where the sky itself was holding up my shoulders to keep my closer to the sun than my grave.
The Willow Feb 2018
It seems so much more personal than a relationship
Because if you split up a relationship it is
“We just want different things”
Or
“I’m in love with someone else. It couldn’t be helped.”

But a friendship
The one where they have seen you at your absolute worst
More than anyone else in the world
Where they could make you smile instead of thinking about dying
Where being friends was the best thing ever
Because it wouldn’t have to ever end

How do you break that up
When the only reasons seem like
“I just don’t like you anymore”
And
“You are so bad for me”

*there is peice of you that exists in me too
That I have yet to find in anyone else in the world
How can I abandon that?
Feb 2018 · 132
He won’t sign the line
The Willow Feb 2018
When I am happy and excited for the future
I get sad
Thinking how you should be here too
That everything good in my life holds a blank line for you to fill yourself in
But you choose
Over and over
To remain out of that slot

Please.
I want to be happy
But I also want to be happy
With you there too.
The Willow Jan 2018
It’s a giant gamble
On if things are going to get better
If you have the capability to make them so


Or if it is time to just step out.
Or if it is time to step out for good.
The Willow Nov 2017
I wish I didn't cry at the inopportune times
Lines that don't connect to the logically minded
But how can I explain to those I love why
I feel I am going to die
If I inconvenience someone

If someone slams a door

If someone isn't speaking to me

I know it isn't reasonable. I know it's not true.
But how do I tell my body that?
How do I tell the part of my past it isn't true
If I don't remember what part it was?
The Willow Oct 2017
Marriage is failing
over
and over
and over
And over again
And having someone you love witness it
And watch you fall.

And doing it right back with another person.

*I believed all my life vulnerability was honesty. Now I believe it is being truly seen.
Oct 2017 · 198
Our brains.
The Willow Oct 2017
I felt the gasping of your breath
from your back against my chest
as I held you,
spots of tears sprinkling themselves on my arm.

"I don't understand why my brain hates me so much that I need to go through so many steps to not feel alone.
That I need to have somebody's breath against my neck to know that they're alive.
That they're real."

Oh.

How I wish I could figure out
why it seems my brain wants me dead
for as long as I can remember.
Next page