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The Willow Dec 2018
The day after you,
I danced in the mirror,
Holding my hips together with the knowledge
That I was my own again,
With the feeling I was free.

I put on my guitar and chased the cat
Around the house,
Singing songs about how
If she didn’t stop eating
She would grow too big for the box she slept in
Too big for the house,
She’d be a fat Supercat.
I haven’t sung like that in ages,
Haven’t played pretend for years,
Besides fooling myself into believing you’d loved me.

I guess this is my way of saying I outgrew you.
The Willow Dec 2018
I draw on myself
With marker
Pictures all over
When I get antsy
When my nervous system wants to fight with my self esteem
And I crave
Creating an outlet for the pain.

And boy,
These past few days of trying to keep space from you have got me covered in ink.
The Willow Dec 2018
How did it get this far?
How have we found ourselves here?

We are both closer and further than we have ever been.
Am I closer or further to who I am?

I am like a child trying to show you who is boss
But my insides are rotting
Still hoping you’ll call

I know my love for you is in the cellar
Packed away
But holding up my entire house
Molding and decaying
Supporting and sustaining
The Willow Dec 2018
But what if I’m a closeted *******
I find myself hurting in ways self imposed
I can’t breathe easy for long without choking myself
I cannot understand how someone drinks for fun
I cannot understand breathing clean air for long
The Willow Nov 2018
I had to slide my consciousness asleep
Tip it towards unthinking
Running from believing the thoughts:

If I don’t want kids because of the mental illnesses I would give them, why do I believe I am any more worthy of living?
The Willow Nov 2018
I am falling asleep to my ribs caving in on themselves
My breath short circuiting
A panic attack from the years of surpressed neglect
Dug out of me from therapy paid out of my pocket
I traded this from drinking money
Knowing drinking didn’t make my shadowed memories go away.

Oh, but believe me, I’ve tried.

And you still don’t understand why I never show up for the holidays.
The Willow Nov 2018
My wings are smoothed out
I am crashing
flying to get to you
Flying home
bound by the weatherman’s voice
Saying it’ll be smooth sailing
No sign of failing
My heartbeat is failing
Favoring ailing over being without you

Don’t smooth me out
Keep me rough
So you can get a good grip on me
So I don’t lose my grip on reality
Stay with me
I am crashing
Stay with me
It’s smooth sailing to say
we’re just good friends
No repremends

Unleast until my heart gives out .
You can’t say a word to them, because then there would be consequences. But I am a time bomb, waiting for when this lack of talking on your end blows up on mine.
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