The two most commonly used words as an adult are “used to”. I used to be more active, we used to be friends, I used to drink a lot, I used to be better at that. The most dangerous use of these words is also the one I fear the most. I’m not very religious but I prey to something that I never have to hear or speak it. My nightmares contain the phrase “I used to love you”.
Pain tends to follow those who hesitate or act slowly. Much like ripping off a band aid or jumping headfirst into the pool when it is freezing cold, the pain is lessened by the initiative. So, tell me why is hesitation the second language we all learned to speak? Even without formal instruction.
Growing Up with You
Today I saw you in a young boy at work. With a twinkle in his eye and trampolines in his shoes, he ran up to my desk. With not a second to lose he introduced me to some very special friends. A dinosaur named “Crark” and a dolphin named “Dolpher”. This boy’s imagination and pure respect for these friends is something we all need more of. These “toys” have become much more than that to him. I see much of you in him, and I wish I could have seen much more of you at his age. I bent the knee to earn this right to grow old with you, but I always wish I could have grown up with you. I grow with you every passing moment; I just wonder what life would have been like if I had met my soulmate from the start.
Some people enjoy imagining skipping back to a period in their life so, they can relive falling in love all over again. I’m thankful that I don’t have this desire, because I fall in love with you every day.
Longview Burial Ground
Here’s to all the unsent messages, the ones I wrote for you last night. Yet no fiber of me could find the strength to hit send. While my thumb is suspended in the air like it had been tied to a cement block, and the gravity switched to reverse. Here’s to all the words that went unspoken. All the thoughts ejected from my brain, down to my mouth, then clawed their way back down my throat just to get lodged in my heart like shrapnel. Here’s to the tear drops that turned into dumbbells, the times I tried to leave for us, and you dragged me back, how I can’t find my self-esteem in a mirror, and all the times I tried to leave for me. Time and time again, dragged back to the place we lie and label “home”. For us we need to stop trying to force two positive ends of a magnet together and let us fly before we grow to blame each other for the rest of our lives. Longview became our prison cell, so let’s pay the bail on this relationship before it becomes our burial ground.
My fears, anxiety, and inner self doubts have no recollection on how to live peacefully with me. Most of that is my fault. This became very clear to me today when I squashed a baby bee on my desk, who was minding its own business. Their greeting was a simple hello while mine was a swift blow before the poor fellow even knew his time was over. I just pray that if my other fears and anxieties have the chance to do the same to me, they would be more sparing. After all, there’s a few people I would at least like to say goodbye to.
When their time has come and gone, some prefer to be placed gently six feet below the soil. Their bodies decompose and become food for creatures smaller than the eye can see. Becoming a shadow of their old form. We compensate for this by placing flowers over their graves and decorating their headstones with quotes. An attempt to bring beauty to the surface of a soulless core. My girl would like to become a tree. To grow and let her beauty prosper far after she has left the mortal plane. I think that’s very fitting of her character. And through that she will live forever, a personality too bright to be contained within a single life.