this blessing
or curse
i do not know
for it grows and kills me
as I sprout toward the sun
the higher I climb
the sun scorches my leaves
l am alive still
climbing higher and higher
                                burning with every inch

This blessing
Or curse
I do not know
For it grows and kills me
As I sprout toward the sun
The further I climb
The sun scorches my leaves
I am alive still
Climbing higher and higher
                                Burning with every inch

Shadowed face shielded eyes
Burning consumes a troubled mind
Caves collapse, cold, dark

lost

I sprinted, desperation
a soft tiptoe
across the galaxy
To reach your mind

I love you,
Will you say it too?
Leave me alone.

Leave.

Me.

Alone.

To sleep, the impossible task

Aimless, spinning into darkness
The sun disappears
The jarring drop
as a seesaw strikes the ground

Leave me alone.

Tonight
If I should not return
To wake with the light
If you do not come back to me,
What would our last memory be?

- May 2021

Shut me out
Close me off
Ignore my mouth
Without a thought.

I sit beside
stare into space
to you my seat
an empty place.

Ideas dumb
Words not there
Beliefs wrong
Brain hot air.

Your tender talk
or should it seem
for i know
is but a dream.

Fool the world
blind their eyes
the shining mask
is your disguise.

Your phantom face
like his is scarred
behind the mask
your kindness marred

Your candy smile
plastic cheeks
casually chats
deception shrieks

Invade my life
Steal my dream
Insult my identity
Inside... I scream

The whole world

it seems

is watching.

Congratulating

saying how great you are

How beautiful the dance was

How impressive your report card was

How believable your character was

How strong your game was

.... and for some reason,

inside,

it just never adds up.

Expectations
Dangled.  
Overhead.
Just out of grasp.
So you reach.
Stretch.
Squirm.
Climb.
As hard.
As long.
As you possibly can.
And sometimes, you grasp it.
And sometimes, you don’t.

With you
I am a bird soaring through open air, wind ruffling my feathers above the world and all the pain

It disappears

                     replaced by a warmth like the sun's rays beating, radiating down into my heart. The rays of life inspiring happiness anew

                                      we are free

Grasping for those I love
Holding on for dear life
To the people who are good
What is good?
When those who you’re supposed to trust

Betray

What then?

How do you move forward?
How do I move forward?

Dont lean into fear
Lean into love
Trust
Hope

But how.

My world uprooted
My rock tumbling down a cliffside

What was good is bad, and what was bad
is worse

There is no black and white, no pure, no good, no bad, no right, no wrong

Magnetic arrow north no longer
It’s only direction driven by the wind
The invisible map stripped away

When the voice who has served as the conscience in my head
My Jiminy Cricket
The first one to teach me the difference between right and wrong
Good and bad

Does wrong

How can i trust my inner voice?
Pinocchio lost to his own devices

Tumbling in darkness

Powerful and sinuous
Their tender roughness
Ever so controlled
Ever so cautious
Ever so compassionate
Ever so kind

The kind that are always steady, always sure
With the essence of your soul visible
In their elegant motions

I see you

Long before
We ever spoke
I watched your majestic hands
Your wise eyes of oak hidden behind your hair
Your lips of pearl concealed from my gaze

In watching your hands, I knew you

And I knew
someday

they would be holding mine

If you had been a musician, it would be impossible for me to tear my heart away from yours
However you still managed to play my heart strings,
You innocent fingers unintentionally plucking, prodding, pulling my heart in so that it could never be separated again

They say that heartbreak is when a part of your heart is broken, however
I think that when people are in love, the heart melds completely with that of the other person.

I am him and he is me.

When we lose them, our hearts are torn apart
leaving them raw,
gasping for the other half
Pumping
Pumping harder and faster
Pumping
Like my brain when I can't sleep pouring out the memories of you
Pumping
like a faucet running clear and pure then becoming ***** so no one will drink it's filthy waters
Pumping
Like the fiery engine on a train heaving burning embers, whistling, whisking it's passengers far away from home
Pumping
Like the thick blood throbbing through my thin veins, every time I think of those eyes
Pumping
Like the ghost of the beat in your chest next to my ear drums beating,
beating
as I fall asleep

My blood is pumping out of my body with no second heart to hold it, my love pumping out of me, wasted and forgotten

Pumping from an infinite pool of love for you that will continue rushing
     If only, you would care to accept it
    If only you could be mine and I could be yours and we would hold each other under the stars and see their lights in our eyes, the universe above, around, and in us, filling our entire beings
    If only you would hold me.
Your lips on mine my hands in your hair your hands on my waist forever entwining
like two vines

Growing

The longer they grow, the more entangled they become, the harder it is to tell where one starts and one begins

I have forgotten where I end and you begin.

But you are gone, your vines have slithered through my soul, disappearing
leaving empty tunnels
creating crevices until one day it will finally
collapse

But for now, your invisible vines remain, and I convince myself I am whole

is it Jesus that saved us all
did Moses make seas rise and fall
is heaven above and hell below
is god the only way to go

do we return after we die
is wisdom gained through our third eye
there’s eternal force in all
noble truths should we recall

does He choose what’s right and wrong
or even care for our lives so long
insignificant to the earth's course
one trillion spins since its source

what is it, that these books say
love, care, give, and pray
fights repeat, pray-ers ****
is this truly the holy will

unending journeys through dark and dawn
human minds have travelled along
across the decades, our breed  has searched
for the answer, our souls besmirched

for now I strive to do what’s right
to make my path a heavenly light
unknown is he who does belong
I hope to sing my godly song

for all I do, I do for love
judgment and deceit we must rise above
all who love and all who give
I believe are right to live
--September 29, 2013

I still remember the first time our fingertips touched
Brushing across with the wind and the leaves in my hair
My heart was aflame and melted all at once
I felt home, I was home

I still remember the first time I looked in your eyes
Snowflakes were falling and sunlight was shining through
Suddenly there was only the two of us there
I felt home, I was home

When two stars collide
Gravity shifts
A beacon of light erupts from their cores
And ripples through the universe
The cosmos forever changed

I still remember the first time I knew you were mine
You soothed me and said whats a few years apart in the end
Love, we have a lifetime together waiting for us
I felt home, I was home

When two stars collide
Gravity shifts
A beacon of light erupts from their cores
And ripples through the universe
The cosmos forever changed

I felt home, I was home

I am home

- October 2022

One more person is going to change.
One more person is going to betray.
One more person is going to leave.
One more person is going to die.
The world will shatter into a million pieces.
Leaving me ensnared in space.
Leaving me cold and dark.
Watching the universe.
Watching the black hole.
Swarming around me

I like my life
I love to watch the sun as it shines over the mountains
I love the smell of the lilacs as spring blooms into the world
I love the rain as it falls on my cheeks
And wakes me up into reality
i love holding your hand

I love holding your hand


This is what i tell myself
When i forget
When i forget who i am
When i forget what i care about
Because the thoughts take over my mind

When the thoughts creep in
I forget who i am
I forget what i care about
Because all that consumes me
Are these words in my mind

These monsters that spin lies
Shout into my ears
And i cannot
I cannot remember why
i deserve to be here

So i cry
And i remember the sunlight over the mountains
And i remember the smell of the lilacs in the spring
And i try to remember what it feels like when i sing

Because sometimes i cant remember
all i remember is that dont deserve anything
Sometimes these words in my mind are all that i hear
all that i can feel inside of me

And its not me
Its NOT me
i try to push them away
Far away from my mind

And sometimes i can
And sometimes i cant

they tell me to let it all disappear
To run away
To get away from this world I’ve created
From the things that i need to do that i never can
From the things that i know i dont deserve
From the joy and the happiness
That Isn’t mine to keep

And i remember the sunlight over the mountains
And i remember the smell of the lilacs in the spring
And i soothe my shaking hands with the thought of holding yours in mine

And i can stand

And take another step until tomorrow
Until tomorrow

- May 2023

I could be

Dancing in a room
With lights that never sleep
And the heartbeat of a writer
And the bodies in the heat

Soaking in a picture
With a moving color stream
And the stories of a filmer
And the people of a dream

Laughing in a ball
With the chat of distant friends
And the tales of a neighbor
And the night that never ends

Instead I lay here

Lounging on my bed
With the darkness of the dusk
And listening to lovely lyrics
And they flow inside my head

While quietly we talk
With thoughts tenderly entwining
And the bliss that bubbles inside
And erupts in our cores

Sensing the heat of the other
With our bodies that lay so close
And the static energy in the space between
And the euphoria of purely being.

And there is nowhere I would rather be.

The never-ending ladder
and the ground that always grows
The cloud that always rises
and the climb that never slows

take me away
melt my soul
fill my heart
make me whole

make me dream
that we could be
holding hands
under a tree

yearning for
our embrace
to ignite our souls
in heavenly grace

a world of stars
everlasting flames
surround our heads
and hearts the same

instead i stare
into the sea
the sea of dreams
that couldn't be

Who is she
This little sprite
Who floats and flits around
For she has magic on her wings
And lifts up off the ground

Who is she
Who sings aloud
What does the world then say?
Be quiet little chickadee
And let the others play

Who is she
This silent sprite
Who’s colors fade to grey
She settles down upon the earth
And softly fades away

- January 2022

If my thoughts are my eyes and my mind is Paris,
then you are my Tour Eiffel

penetrating that flat sky line of the buildings all the same uniform height, without change or dynamics,
you protrude out of the flatness, the beautiful change of scene, the epicenter, of wonder.

my wandering eyes always find you
no matter where I am, who I am with,
or what I am doing,
I can always find you above the bustling city
a separate entity
Of hope, and love, and change

Before, Paris did not have the tour Eiffel, but continued to bustle as any city does
still the city of love,
It was missing it's determining factor, it's monument that stood out from all the rest
The landmark that completed the city, that created a place of wonder to surmount all the world, a watching over every building, every garden,
every thought

The last thing I see when rest my head on my pillow,
your shining light fills me with wonder and inspiration as the moon rises in the sky: creating wishes and hope for the future


You always penetrate the corners of my mind

My shining Tour Eiffel