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331 · Jun 2017
Surrounded By Your Things
The Spider Jun 2017
I went to your house today to see your mom.
It was weird.
There were photos of you everywhere;
On the walls, on the shelves, in the kitchen and bedrooms..
The only place that lacked a reminder of you was the bathrooms.
There we were,
Surrounded by your things,
All trying not to cry.
Trying to pretend that you're not actually gone.
Tia told me I could play your ukulele,
And as I held it in my hands,
I swear I could feel you there watching us.
We were surrounded by your things,
And I just hope that a piece of your soul is with your mom.
She needed you.
She loved you.
And now all she can do is be
Surrounded by your things.
I really miss you Hunter. Your mom is not how I remember. She's not "Crazy Carly" anymore. She just looks so broken, and I don't think that seeing you everywhere she goes helps, but make sure that YOU make sure she's loved, k buddy? Love you, Hunterdink. Rest easy.
324 · Oct 2017
They're Just Memories Now
The Spider Oct 2017
Their faces fade from my mind.
Voices dissolve because
in my brain they were never intertwined.
The warmth of their touch
forgotten in my brain; I don't see them much...
Their hair, their eyes, their scent.
All forgotten because she was hell-bent
on making me leave my home.
Now all I can do is roam,
wander the empty halls
chasing away the sadness with alcohol.
It's a bitter kind of sweet,
to taste the metal and wine of defeat.
I sit here and let out a cry,
I let out a sigh.
I sit and ponder about how
the ones I love are just memories now.
I'm sad as heck. Sometimes.
The Spider Oct 2017
They day I met you was they day that my life changed.
I thought that it changed for the better
Because I thought you were the best thing in it.
But soon I realized that you only wanted me for one thing,
And that was for ***.
If I didn't give it to you, you would get mad.
You'd tell me you thought I didn't love you enough.
And then sometimes you would force me to do it and threaten me if I didn't.
Though most of the relationship was awful,
There were some good times.
I'll always cherish those memories, but I'll simultaneously cringe
At the thought of you.
I realize now that you were in my life to teach me a lesson.
That I shouldn't be so willing to trust someone.
That I should do what I think is right for me.
I shouldn't give myself away because someone is mad that I don't want to.
You taught me what not to look for in a lover.
You taught me how to be weary; how to read people.
I thank you for that.
But I don't thank you for invading my thoughts all the time.
I don't like that you're dating my best friend,
As I don't believe you've changed.
I do not want her hurt.
But, in order for me to be happy, I must rid myself of the thought of you.
I must say goodbye to the thought of you.
I will not allow you to plague my mind and make me weary.
I will not allow you to poison my thoughts and make me mistrusting.
I will, however, allow you to let me do what is right for me.
By forgetting you, and letting myself learn to trust again.
By forgetting you, and letting myself learn to love again.
By forgetting you, and learning what it feels like to truly be loved.
So, with this, goodbye to the thought of you.
I banish you, O' Evil ex boyfriend who I wish I never met!
317 · Dec 2018
The Spider Dec 2018
Make like a cigarette
burn out.

I'm so full of anger
315 · Jan 2018
what is death?
The Spider Jan 2018
death is cold.
its the snow on the ground in the winter;
the darkness of a moonless night.
its the chill creeping up your back,
around your shoulders.
its the whisper that you hear in the wind,
or the shadow you see around the corner.
death is the burn of fire
on your bare, vulnerable skin.
death is crying his name in the dark,
convulsing, shaking, seething.
death is driving past that horrid place
at midnight;
thinking of drowning in the dark sea.
death is the warmth you feel
at your back when you feel nothing at all.
its the ghost that you miss.
its the voice that you can't hear anymore.
death is permanent.
death is....
I really wish that death wasn't so permanent. That I could hear Hunter talk or sing. That death didn't exist for people like him.
313 · Jan 2016
What My Frog Said
The Spider Jan 2016
And he said........

ajdkghlakejhfa lkjsdh gaeiur ghio;elfjdshlgiaukjrgdhvucgablhjndsiul aijd '
akjdlh ailuegh a;iklfdajlkbhvan;d

That is all.
I have a hilarious friend on this website im so sorry
311 · Apr 2017
The Spider Apr 2017
I woke up in a cold sweat this morning.
Dazed and confused, head fogged up with rain clouds...
I wondered why I was so sweaty in the coldness of my room.
And I realized I am still haunted by the thought of you.
You. Only you could scare me like that.
I saw you. I heard your voice.
That sickly sweet sound of your voice.
The voice I once thought was the only thing that could keep me calm;
only now does it send waves of anxiety through my nerves and veins.

You, the person who I suppressed my feelings of hatred towards.
You, who I thought didn't deserve the hate in my head and heart.
You, the one who gives no thought about me.
I saw you there, between the bars of my dreams and reality
and I saw you smile at me.

It wasn't a smile smile. It was a guilty one.
As if you'd ever feel so guilt-stricken with me.
I saw you there, in your green uniform, and you smiled at me.
I asked you how you were and you said you sob.
You fell through the ice with me.
You said the only difference was that you sunk and I swam.
And I did swim. I remember swimming.
I swam through the icy currents to get away from you.

I practically drowned,
trying to fight my way past your presence.
But here you are, latched onto my ankle without even knowing.
Here you are in my dreams, haunting me with promises.
Haunting me with that voice of yours.
Haunting me with an immolated friendship.

I woke up with a cold sweat this morning.
It must have been the residue of the glacial waters that I practically killed myself in to get away from you.
Why can't you just leave me alone? You and her, always flaunting yourselves in my face. She found me on Instagram and now she's flaunting you to hurt me. C+J+My undying hate
311 · Jun 2017
The Spider Jun 2017
It's been seven months since I last saw everyone that ever mattered to me.
I've been anticipating my homecoming for two months because I missed my family.
I missed my older brother's ridiculous mannerisms,
His goofy laugh and stories.
It's been seven months since I've seen and heard any of that.
I needed my mother, because what child doesn't?
I missed her warm hugs and genuine smiles.
I missed her boyfriend and her silly nicknames she'd come up with for him.
I missed my dad and singing songs around the house with him.
I missed how he'd randomly burst out into song and dance.
I missed the smell of his cologne mixed in with cigarette smoke.
I missed my little brothers and sisters.
The shine in their eyes, the trill of their laughter.
I missed the smell of East Troy after it rains.
The quiet streets at night, and the chill of the air in the mornings.
I missed the lake, the fish, and the bugs.
I'm so happy to be back here spending time with my family and my friends.
That's what I came here to do.
I came here to create memories with my family that I only get to see about twice a year.
My life is perfect right now, and nobody can ruin it.
I'm home, I'm happy, and I don't have to worry about anything or anyone
Except for myself.
I'm not worried to walk outside my house and run into people I know because I don't stick my nose in other people's ****. I worry about my own business. I don't care about anything other than being home right now. My family is all that matters to me.
304 · Apr 2017
The Spider Apr 2017
I'm sitting underneath a bridge.
It's very old; almost 200 years old, to be exact.
And while I sit under this bridge, the Earth erupts.
It shakes violently.
I know I shouldn't be under this rickety old concrete bridge,
but I seem to find myself not wanting to move.
The water drips from the ceiling
Onto my face and neck.
I'm scared.
The world around me appears to be crumbling down,
and all I can do is sit here and watch it **** me.
Kinda wish everyone would leave me alone.
Kinda wish Mark would answer me.
Kinda wish my only friend wasn't my cat.
Kinda wish the world wasn't terrible.
Kinda wish you weren't just as terrible.
Kinda wish I was asleep.
295 · Jul 2017
Settled For The Untruth
The Spider Jul 2017
Sometimes they'll take you in,
Tell you how much
They love you and how
Beautiful you are.
But that's only because they
Want to see
What's under your clothes.
When you say no,
They'll start to tell you that
Your teeth look funny.
Your hair is too blonde and
Too straight.
They'll start to compare you
To other people.
You'll think there's something
Wrong with you.
*This person is  deceiving you.
He wants you
To think he cares about you.
He doesn't.
Page 3
292 · Jun 2017
The Spider Jun 2017
As long as there's a pulse,
I'll be your
286 · Apr 17
April 16th 2019
The Spider Apr 17
Around 930 AM.

My favorite barista is working today. His name is Zach. I was going to write about how badly i feel. I thought it was going to last because I got a positive feeling. It went away though. It was ruined by this ******* song. Now i can't stop imagining him with other people. Would my life be different if i never met him? I wonder where he would be and where i would be. Maybe the same place? Maybe not. Maybe I'd be worse off than i am now. Maybe he would've been better with Jessica. Or anyone else he would have met. I guess he missed a lot of better opportunities. It's easier to assume he doesn't care. If i convince myself that he hates me, maybe it'll be easier to control my feelings.

This is my life now and I ******* hate it. He just asked me to bring his xbox by. To drive all the ******* way back to my house and BACK AGAIN to his house. (Not to mention he BLEW ME OFF LATER IN THE DAY TO HANG OUT WITH MARIEM BUT WHATEVER).

Sometime before 10 pm

I am fuming tonight. How can he know everything that I'm feeling but keep me in the dark and not even try to tell me what he's feeling? How can he expect me to be perfect right off the bat? Does he???? I wonder if he expects me not to slip up. I wonder if his first immediate thought when I'm in a bad mood now is "has she really been trying to change?" The answer is yes, i have been. I've made a bigger effort now than i have ever made.

Space between paragraphs are breaks in my thoughts. I was raging out for the past few minutes. Silently fuming in my bedroom about that little mormon **** and the fact that he's with her right now. I probably shouldn't have written that about her just now. It was said out of anger, and anger makes people do unfortunate things sometimes. I think I just need to stop hanging onto the things that **** me off. Like the fact that at the end of the day, I'm only an afterthought to him. Or that he'd rather talk to anyone except me. Or that he's just too busy to care about me. I have to remember that "it's just not apparent right now." Maybe I just shouldn't care. It seems like that's exactly what he's doing. I could be wrong. I probably am. But he also doesn't seem to care about it enough to think about it like I do. I wish I was as gentle a soul as Little Latter Day Saint. Maybe then I'd be his type, and he'd take the time to think about it, but instead I'm just something to **** right now.

I'm getting angry again. I think I'll leave for now.
286 · Jul 2016
The Spider Jul 2016
He is my Gooby
And he shall be my Gooby.
278 · May 2017
Hunter David Morby
The Spider May 2017
Hunter. I miss you so much. It feels unreal that you're gone. When I found out that you died it was like someone had just kicked me right in the gut. It knocked the wind out of me. You, Jason, and Landen all in a car accident. You were in the back seat; you had no control over what was gonna happen. Jason was driving. Too fast. He was driving way too fast for Cranberry Road. He lost control of the car and you all got wrapped around a tree.

And then you exploded.

The car was a fiery wreck when the ambulance and the fire trucks and police came. What were you thinking when he lost control of the car? Were you scared? Did you even have enough time to be scared? When they found you, you were burned beyond recognition. They needed your dental records to identify you. I keep seeing your face everywhere I look. I forget that you're gone for a minute and then it's like I just found out all over again. I miss you Hunter. You were so goofy.

I remember two or three years ago we were watching a Packers game at Mandie's friend's house. You saw me eating fruit snacks and you asked me for some. I gave you a pack and that's when it started. Every day at school after that, you'd ask me for my fruit snacks at lunch. I miss that, Hunter. I miss hearing your voice in the choir or in the new musicals. You were so talented. You were nice and funny and the biggest dork I know. I love you, buddy.
Losing a friend is like losing a piece of you.
The Spider Feb 2018
Scott Peterson was a resource officer, armed, on campus.
He was too cowardly to risk his life and save those children
that he was supposed to protect.

As children were dying, he was outside crying, scared, lying to himself.
Telling himself that he wanted to live while our youth died,
telling himself that he mattered more than them.
Scott Peterson, a coward,
The shame of this country.
A house realtor steals jewelry and valuables from his clients
out in sunny Arizona.
As if he didn't have a lot of money already.
Speaking of money,
Dear Mr. "President,"
Is that all there is anymore?
Is that what all politicians are after?
As people are starving on the streets, living in ghettos;
As children are getting shot in their own schools,
Pleading for you to change our laws and you turn a blind eye,
all you do is look for more opportunities
to earn money for yourself.
Mr. "President,"
We all know your speeches are written for you,
they're scripted,
You're told what to say.
You pretend like you care about the wellbeing of the common people.
The people like me, the people living on the streets.
But you don't.
You are a greedy, selfish man, who was voted into office by people who are just as greedy and selfish as you.
I'm probably going to get threatened,
and told that I'm stupid for thinking that all this country is,
is shameful and cowardly,
greedy, idiotic, cruel, and profound.
I'm going to be told that I don't know what I'm talking about.
I've only been alive for 18 years, how could I possibly know anything about how the world works?
The thing is,
I don't.
I have no idea how the world works,
but I know that something is wrong when my classmates and I are scared
to walk into school every day.
Something needs to change.
You, the so called president,
You, our elders and old timers,
We, as a society, need to change.

We can't keep acting like this because if we do, our already crumbling country,
is going to fall apart.
Welcome to America, everybody.
*The Land of the Greed, and the Home of the Shame.
I ******* hate this place.
The Spider Jul 2017
With life, comes deception.
Rivers of doubt,
Lakes of insecurities,
And oceans of deception.
And if you're not careful enough,
You'll make a fool
If nobody but
260 · Aug 2018
I Feel Like Giles Corey
The Spider Aug 2018
I've been feeling out of breath lately.
My lungs don't inflate properly anymore.
Waking up is the most taxing task that I have to accomplish on a daily basis.
I've been sleeping in,
And even after I wake up I stay in bed for hours.
It feels like the weight of the world
is crushing my chest.
Like an anvil is being dropped on my shoulders a hundred times a day.
I feel like Giles Corey;
Crushed by the weight of falling rocks.
Rocks that look like people I know.
Rocks that feel like sorrow and death and tears.
Being pressed to death by demons that accuse me of wrongness,
by demons who surround my head with dark thoughts;
by demons who claw at my throat,
tell me to do bad things.
I'm constantly running from the black mist in my mind.
Trying not to be swallowed by it.
But I can feel these shadows on my back,
and what lurks in this darkness nipping at my ankles.
And the more I run,
the more out of breath I feel.
And when I turn to give in to the shadows,
I have no more breath.
I can't inhale, because I've been crushed.
I suffocate; I can feel my soul dying a little,
Piece by piece, it crumbles until I am nothing.
I am out of breath now.
I don't know whats wrong anymore. Maybe everything? Maybe nothing.
256 · Mar 7
Now and then...
The Spider Mar 7
Sometimes I'm a little jumpy
when you go to touch my body.
While I know you'll never hurt me,
I always wonder
if you might.

You were always so upset
for reasons I still don't know.
I did my best for you and gave you
all I had to offer.
You still hurt me.

It's not your fault that the memory
of stone fists is forever
burned into my brain.
It's not your fault that I chose
that path four years ago.

You came on to me like a
Hummingbird to honeysuckle.
You ****** me dry and you left me to die alone.
I forgive you, but sometimes...
It still really hurts.

I'm really jumpy when you go to touch my body.
I can see the wonder in your eyes;
I see the questions.
I'll answer them as soon as the woe leaves me.
I love you.

You, too.

252 · Jan 14
The Stone Men
The Spider Jan 14
when I lay awake at night,
I think of what my heart looks like
if someone were to
cut me open.
I wonder
if he would try to break it.
I wonder
if he would sit down and intently
watch me bleed.
not. He'd walk away before I took
my last breath.
248 · Nov 2018
"Don't Let Go"
The Spider Nov 2018
It was a crystal clear night in the winter months.
Though for some reason, the lake wasn't frozen over.
I could see the moon's reflection, and was standing at the shore
when two pairs of footsteps approached me.
A pier manifested over the lake,
leading to a white house on the other side.
"Hey," he said.
I was so shocked that I became a statue.
"It's okay. I'm not angry at you anymore."
He looked at me with a genuine smile. I missed being his friend,
even in light of what happened between us.
I was silent. I didn't say a word.
I don't think I needed to.
He accepted my silent apology.
"Grab my hand and don't let go."
I took his hand, paler than the moonlight,
but warmer than fire.
We walked across the pier, just me, him, and Hunter;
Hand in hand, almost skipping.
The stars were endless, and the temperature was surprisingly warm for the middle of the night in the winter.
We got inside the house and the three of us sat down on the couch.
He gave me a Gameboy and we started to play Pokémon.
Just the three of us.
Like nothing had ever happened.
And I think I miss him more than the anger that I held for him.
More than words can say.
Jason, I know you know this, but I'm so so sorry. I wish I could have talked to you about it. I'm so sorry.
237 · Jul 2017
Deception and Lies
The Spider Jul 2017
With life, comes deception.
Rivers of doubt,
Lakes of insecurities,
And oceans of
Some forms of deception
Come in the form of people.
They're shrouded
In shadows.
They slither by unnoticed
Until the wrong,
Or perhaps in some cases,
Person comes around.
Don't let the liars deceive you.
Part 1
The Spider Nov 2017
Dear Pit People,
A year and three months ago (exactly three in one week), I moved from a town called East Troy, Wisconsin, to another called Gilbert, Arizona. Many of you asked me why I moved here, or where I came from, and wonder why my answer was so unclear. It's a very long story, and I hope that you guys will read this through. Some of you might ask yourselves, or wonder why I hold family so highly. I know that my section leader got mad the day Marimba 4 was texting her dad. Not because she was texting her dad, but because I told him "He's her father, she can answer if she likes." I don't get to talk to my father; I envy the people who do. Apologies for that. Anyways, my family is very... unkind, to me. Not because I've wronged them, or because I ******* up my relationship with them, but because I was just very unlucky when the Gods picked my parents for me. Before I moved here, I wasn't allowed to do the things most people are allowed to do. I wasn't allowed to shower without asking my step mother first. I wasn't allowed to eat without asking. I wasn't allowed to sleep without asking. I wasn't allowed to use the restroom without asking. I wasn't allowed to drink anything but water and coffee. I wasn't allowed to have visitors over. I wasn't allowed to leave the house unless it was to go to work. My dad and step mom pulled me out of school so I could watch my little brother and sister every day while my father worked, and my step mom did nothing. I had one friend, who turned out to not be my friend. It was a lonely life. I was sad. And then I moved here. I had to leave the children that I loved the most. I had to leave my father, who I wanted to love me like when I was little but he was too scared of my step mom. So that made things a little worse on the mood spectrum. I was homeschooled, and very antisocial. I was scared of a lot of things. People, mostly. But one night, Mike took me to Williams Field, and he showed me you. The first person I saw was my Section Leader. He nodded at me. I nodded back. Then I saw the rest of you. What a lovely group. I loved Marimbas 3 and 4 almost immediately. Nice group of folks, I thought. So I kept coming, and I kept learning. But I was still very confused mentally and emotionally. I snapped at one of you. For something so stupid. "You're ego is so big that it probably couldn't fit through the door." I said to him. I said it because my life was still a complete mess. I'm sorry, section leader. I snap at a lot of you still. I don't mean to, really. But you must understand. I live 1,834.1 miles away from my family. From my home. From everything that I have ever known and loved. I miss it dearly. Sometimes it hurts too much to think about, but when I do, I get sad, and then irritated. I don't come from a family that would search for me if I went missing. My father told me when I asked if I could move here "I don't care where you end up." He was my best friend as a child. He is no one anymore. My mother is on the brink of being no one. I am a parentless *******. But I have other family that I like to see out there anyway. Still, that's no excuse to snap at you guys. I'm happy now, out here and the position that I'm in. And I love you guys very much. You've helped me get through losses like Hunter, and Christina. Losing my family a hundred times over and once more again. You've helped me gain confidence, and for that I'm forever grateful. You are my pit. And I love you. I probably wouldn't be here without you guys, as I was a very VERY sad person. Thank you, for letting me into your pit and into your worlds.
226 · Aug 2017
i lost them
The Spider Aug 2017
i lost my family again.
the happiest hours of my life turned
black with sadness again.
it's a lonesome life when you lose the ones you live for.
it's like you can feel your heart
physically being ripped out of your chest.
you can feel it break for the ones you care most for.
and for what?
because someone can't stand
that someone else around her is happy?
my heart is shredded into more and more pieces
every day.
i miss my siblings terribly.
yet i can't see them because a terrible *****
rules over the kingdom that was once
my home.
i lost them.
i lost my family.
224 · Apr 19
Reckless Driving
The Spider Apr 19
I gripped my steering wheel so hard
my knuckles turned white.
I blew through the yellow traffic light
just as it turned red.
65 in a 45, speeding faster and faster
dodging the slower cars.
Everything was a blurry mix of light and dark.
That one message sent
me into a frenzied fit of anger and nothingness.
I imagined myself
crashing my car into the light post to my right.
Instead I slowed down,
and turned left into my neighborhood.
I have no one
to confide these thoughts within my mind.
He's on the phone
with her, and I don't care enough about me or anyone
to drive safely anymore.
I guess that's what I get for reckless driving.
out of all the girls i suspected, it was the one i expected least. The little Mormon **** of the Church of Jesus Christ.
220 · Jul 18
The Spider Jul 18
I guess I find I'm not surprised
That all your words were filled with lies.
I just thought that you were perfect;
All this time that I deserved it.

All this time I pined for you;
And you didn't even love me true.
I had to find out about you secondhand,
and the taste of your specific brand.

I thought it would be shocking
to hear that you were **** talking.
Anxious about feeling the fury,
but all it did was humor me.

I don't feel anything anymore.
Anger, sadness, rage, all out the door.
It's not because I'm cold hearted.
It's just that now my heart's departed.

Broken, ******, battle scars;
Clearly we're not in the stars.
I will never love again,
For fear that they'll all be the same.
I will never speak your name again
220 · Mar 2018
What Is Color?
The Spider Mar 2018
Color is nothing more than perception. Maybe Color is a deception. A distorted coalition of just, particles? Well.. not really. Perhaps Color is a collection of pigments. I mean, that's what scientists would define Color as, right? Well that's not correct either. Let's say that Color is the spectrum of radiation that humans can detect with their eyes. Is it that? Hmm.. I would not say that It is soley that. Color is more than just light. Color is powerful. Color is heart-warming. Color is beautiful. No, no no no. Color is even more than that, you see. It was only up until recently that I have understood what Color is. September 24th, 2017, in fact. That day.. oh man. That day marked the formal introduction of Color into my life. That moment that I was able to touch Color. But not only that.. I could hear Color. Yeah, you read that right. Since then, I have used all of my senses to perceive Color. But at this point, I can't hide the identity of Color anymore. I have rambled on for long enough. That Color, is Jordyn. She has shown me true color and for that, she has my heart and my everlasting gratitude.
My boyfriend doesn’t write. He’s not the greatest at it. But he wrote this for me a few weeks ago. I love him more than I could ever love anything else, and I’m so grateful for him.
215 · Jun 2018
His Face
The Spider Jun 2018
Dark brown eyes:
Warm, inviting, kind.
Full of spirit and motivation.
Olive colored skin.
Soft in all the right places.
Rough in some too.
Comforting, and also
Dark pink lips.
Again, soft.
Sometimes chapped, but still soft.
Tender, doting.
Strong jawline.
Enticing, alluring, mouthwatering.
Defensive, secure.
Sometimes unshaven, but also
Intimidating but
All these things about his face
make me feel safe.
They are familiar now.
They keep my in the present time.
The touch of his cheek
against my own,
or the feeling of his scruffy chin
on my shoulder.
They are all comforts
when I am scared and anxious.
He is the one being
that I can trust
to never
210 · Nov 2018
a favorite
The Spider Nov 2018
Laying down in bed
next to him.
Bare chest pressed against
my back.
He sighs in his sleep;
A soothing sound so
I hold onto his thumb;
so comfortable in
my hand.
He's warm.
I'm in love with you
207 · Jul 24
The Spider Jul 24
July 23rd, Tuesday
dial tone ringing
Hi there, how are you feeling?
I feel like I'm going to explode.
My mind wont stop racing.
My heart won't stop aching.
Mistakes that I'm making
Keep eating me alive.

Just take a deep breath, tell me why.
I'm a huge ******* joke.
Ask me why again and I'll choke.
My vision is clouded with smoke
and my fragile walls are breaking.

You're not a joke, all you need to do is breathe.
Once the air fills your lungs,
you'll be able to see--
See what? That karma is a *****?
That my lies make people's skin itch?
I know that I'm absolutely worthless.
I know, I know. I deserve this.

No! No, you're not worthless! You just need--
Dial tone

-The Shriveled, Dead Spider.
See you in another life, maybe.
207 · Aug 2017
a letter to dad
The Spider Aug 2017
dear dad,
are you happy? are you happy that your oldest child hates you? you told me that you missed me terribly. that you wish that i would come home. i told you that i was going to georgia after high school. you actually seemed upset. but if you were upset, you sure don't seem like it now. you take your wife's side. she is excluding me from my own family, and you think that it's my fault. because im such a bad kid, right? you think that i haven't changed at all; that im still the lazy brat that i was when i left your god forsaken house. but i have changed, dad. for the better. if anything, you're the one who hasn't changed since i left. you're the one who is still the same. the same hardass that you were. the same guy being pushed around by his crazy wife. you let her push me around dad. and then you let her get under your skin and brainwash you into thinking that it's only me who can do bad. she can't fathom that her kids would do anything wrong. she always blames us for how landin and khloe act. "must be the downey gene" she says. as if the katzmans are any better. her family is broken up. no one talks to eachother, and her mom's side are a bunch of drunken fools. but yet it must be the downey genes that mess everything up. your wife has ridiculed me for years dad. she's abusive towards me, and only me. she's called me fat, stupid, ****, a pig, a ******, ******, a ****, and whatever else. even in front of you. and when its uncalled for, try to defend me. and when you try to do that, she tells you how i was wrong without telling you how she was wrong first. she only tells you what she thinks will sound good. what she thinks will make me look bad in your eyes. but i am a better student. i am very busy. i help around my house. i do what im told. because someone in this world has shown me the kindness ive never felt. and it sure wasn't you. it was laura and mike who did that. they were shocked because in the last two weeks living with you, i dropped ten pounds. i was in the lower weight range for my height. because mandie wouldn't let me eat. she would only let me have coffee and cigarettes. when did you stop caring about me dad? when i started becoming better than you? when i started setting goals for my future? because it seems like you're a little jealous that i got as far away from that house as i possibly could. im happy. and if you don't try to be the father you were ten years ago to me, in another ten years, i don't want you around. your pick, dad. your kid or your abusive wife.
195 · Jun 2018
The Spider Jun 2018
Red and hot,
quick and terrorizing.
Behind my eyes,
Teeth to bare and
a desert mouth.
Inside my head,
Boiling and bitter,
stiff and stringent.
In my heart,
Sometimes I still get mad at her for being with him.
The Spider Jan 14
Rosyln-- Bon Iver, St. Vincent.
I can't think about you anymore. Don't hold me down.
Sleepwalk-- Opus Dai
I would rather be dead than live without you.
Goner-- Twenty One Pilots
I wish you were here. I'm nothing without you. There you are. I see you within me. Someone, please help me.
Wasting My Young Years-- London Grammar
I'm wasting so much time on you. Nothing I ever did for you mattered. You're just selfish. You took away my childhood.
Another Love-- Tom Odell
I'm done crying for people. I loved you, but you let me down.
Out Loud-- Dispatch
If you called my name, I'd come running...
High & Low-- EZA
I don't want to think about you anymore. I thought you loved me. Now I just want you to leave me alone.
I Know-- Sharon Van Etten
I can't believe you lied to me for so long. Why her? You see me crying... I know you see it. How can you do this to me?
Almost Lover-- A Fine Frenzy
We could have been together... you were just a snake. Or a mistake...
Speak-- William Fitzsimmons
Gut-wrenching anger is all I feel for you. I will never speak of you again.
Sleeping Sickness-- City and Colour
I am no one. I feel nothing. I know I need help. **** the help.
Hold On-- Tom Waits
Homesick. On the edge of killing myself. Just hold on, you'll be okay.
Bleed Out-- Blue October
You keep stabbing me in the heart over and over... One more time and I will bleed out.
The Universe-- Gregory Alan Isakov
I am the universe. I am beautiful, and necessary. I can live without you in a way that is tolerable.
In order.. From 2015 to 2018. Every song so far that made me feel something for you. And I hate you for it.
182 · Feb 2018
The Spider Feb 2018
I think she’s making a huge mistake.
I can’t shake this gut feeling that he’s using her.
He whispers sweet things in her ear and all I see
Is the snake from Eden.
”Bite the fruit; it tastes so sweet, just like you.”
He’s dangerous.
I think she’s making a huge mistake.
As long as he’s with her, I can’t be her friend.
182 · Jul 19
The Spider Jul 19
All my feelings are gone.
No love.
No hate.
No anger.
No bitterness.
No happiness.
No hope.
It's all gone.
176 · Dec 2018
The Spider Dec 2018
This is a questionable poem written because I have a whole bunch of curiosities.
I was sitting in my Arizona home like I do on cold days like today
when it occurred to me that
people today are severely lacking in pure curiosity.
I mean, sure, people are curious about some things;
What will happen if I mix drugs with alcohol? What will happen if I eat this Tide Pod?
I wonder if I'll die if I point this gun at my head and pull the trigger.

Sure, all those things are intriguing thoughts, but,
what about thoughts on pollution and world hunger? I feel like that's more important to wonder about.
Or, perhaps people could be more curious about who they really are.
What do they like? Do they know what they want from life? Why are they so mainstream?
These days I find that so many people are in it for the aesthetic.
That they're not being who they are.
Every person I have met has two faces; they remind me of the infamous Greek theatre masks.
I don't think anybody really know who they are, and I find that curious,
in a sad, peculiar, disappointing way.
It's curiously comical.
I hate people. They're just so phony.
166 · Sep 2018
Grimmie Can You Hear Me?
The Spider Sep 2018
Tina Marie Grimmie.
Mother to Christina Victoria Grimmie.
Mother to Marcus Grimmie.
Wife to Albert “Bud” Grimmie.
Survived several decades of breast cancer until finally she succumbed to it.
She had faith in Christ our lord.
Tina had such a positive light around her.
Never once did she complain about her sickness.
She was so generous and so loving.
A soul like hers... is nearly impossible to find.
Much like her daughter.
Both were amazing, beautiful personalities.
I will miss them, as the rest of team Grimmie will miss them.
The world will miss them...
Rest in sweet slumber, Tina. Be with Christina and watch over the earth for us.
161 · Dec 2018
The Spider Dec 2018
So the more I sit in my room and ponder about myself,
the more I realize that I'm just like the kind of phonies that I hate.
Maybe that's why I hate myself so much.
I'm just like the rest.
The Spider May 4
When someone gets angry at you
for just being nice,
I wonder how bad they must truly be feeling.
I told him just a simple word of advice:
You shouldn't talk bad about people behind their backs. It's not good.
He got angry at me.

He raved about how I let someone talk crap about him
and said nothing.
Because I know that you're better than that.
Ben is a lost cause.
Why waste my breath on someone who wont hear?

He ranted again.
I wonder how bad he must truly be feeling.
157 · May 30
The Spider May 30
Daydreaming all day thinking in future timing
and feeling happy
like a sailboat on a calm ocean
in Malibu, California.
Paying no regard to the rocky bottom;
it can't reach me all the way
on the smooth surface.
The May flowers are finally flowering
after April spent it's time showering
and March covered in snow.
I'm so hopeful.
The Spider Apr 19
Today I went to Coffee Rush.
I got my usual caramel nut latte and sat outside.
I lit a cigarette and eavesdropped on
all the people there with their friends.
I left a while later and headed to the salt river.
I stayed there for several hours
listening to the wind in the trees and the
trout jumping to catch their next meal.
I felt at peace.
The sun was shining on my skin and warming
my heart up.
I was fine
but then you showed up.
I pushed you out of my head as soon as you popped in.
And what do you know?
I felt free.
On my way home, I stopped back at Coffee Rush.
Sat outside, lit my smoke, eavesdropped.
My phone buzzed, and
it surprised me a little bit.
I was fine
until you showed up.
I left the coffee shop in a hurry and sped home.
I felt angry, and then nothing.
Back and forth until it exhausted me.
Now I lay in my bed
feeling nothing
except tired, but not tired enough to sleep.
I was fine until you showed up.

139 · 7d
Wild Love

Tonight he gave me a full body massage.
He massaged my back and my neck, worked his way down to my legs and told me to flip over.
I laid on my back, in just my underwear as he rubbed my legs.
He looked at me, with a sort of hunger in his eyes, and he said,
"You sure you want a full body massage?"
I said yes.
He started to rub me, in my most vulnerable area.
He kissed my neck, my cheek, my lips.
He kissed me from my lips to my chest to my pelvis.
And then he really kissed me.
He flicked his tongue up and down, and drove me insane with pleasure.
Then he started using his fingers.
I was seeing pure, absolute bliss.
Shaking and shuddering happily with every touch, squirming and moaning.
"Mmm, you like that, baby?" he asked.
Then it hit me, like an explosion of light.
The heat of relief and pleasure, complete relaxation and happiness.
Yes, I said. I pleaded that I needed him.
I wanted him so badly.
"I don't think you want me enough," he said, and I groaned, agonized by his tease.
I really ******* do, I said as I grabbed him and pulled him closer.
He took off his shirt and his boxers,
And pushed inside of me.
It was beautiful and hot, and it felt so good.
I was squirming.
I wanted it hard and fast, but he teased me slowly and gently.
He pulled my hair, he kissed me.
"Is this what you want?" He asked as he ****** deeper and harder.
I was mad with a need for him.
I growled, yes, please baby.
He went wild, then.
And when he finished, I saw that same light and felt that same relaxation.
We were a heap of flesh and sweat and wild love.
"I love you," he told me in a gentle tone, and he kissed my lips.
I love you too, I replied happily.
Then we drifted off to sleep. I can only describe it as perfection.
136 · Apr 23
It's not always bad
The Spider Apr 23
Some days,
the sun is a little brighter.
Some days,
my heart feels a little lighter.
Some days,
I find myself alone.
Some days,
I find I'm right at home.
134 · Jun 2018
What Happened Tonight.
The Spider Jun 2018
Tonight I had *** with the love of my life.
He held me close, kissed me gently.
Made sure I felt loved and safe, to the best of his ability.
So what happened tonight?
What has me so anxious?
What started as small panic, and
Led me to full blown mental chaos?
Everything that happened tonight with him was okay.
I wanted all of it and more, even.
Consensual, allowed, and perfectly okay.
Sometimes it takes a little longer for him to penetrate me,
because I remember the things that Mark had done
without my consent, and I tense up a little.
Tonight was one of those slightly more tense nights.
"Stop," I said. It had started to hurt a little.
He did stop, and he did what I asked him.
But not long enough.
He stopped only slightly;
Long enough for me to take a breath in,
which is normally long enough.
But I needed him to stop longer, not because it physically hurt,
but because mentally I started to panic.
I would tell Mark to stop.
I begged Mark to stop, and he never did.
The first time Mark ***** me, I told him no
and I told him to stop multiple times.
I pushed him away until he overpowered me and ***** me.
Tonight, with the love of my life,
that memory popped in my head.
The *** was enjoyable for me after I focused on my love's face.
But for that slight moment, I was back in time.
In that small "stop" that I whispered tonight,
it was Mark that was on top of me instead of my love.
It was Mark, tearing into my girlhood.
It was Mark forcing himself into me.
It was the stench of his breath on my face and neck.
It was Mark who forced me to kiss him.
All in that small, faint "stop" I had whispered.
And now I remember it.
I remember everything that he's ever done to me.
"Are you okay?"
No, I'm not okay. I was ***** 4 years ago repeatedly, every day.
I was ***** by someone I thought loved me,
but only cared about what is between my legs.
I was *****, and it still affects me almost every day.
And the fact that it affects how I interact with my love angers me. That is what happened tonight.
Something that started off so enjoyable with my love,
turned into something that I can never forget.
And I hate Mark for that.
The Spider Apr 12
I sent him the HP link and told him it explained itself. He says he "probably will" check it every so often. He obviously isn't obligated to, so I don't know why I feel bitter right now. I have to remember that he is trying. And he doesn't even have to do that. But he's doing it because he cares. He cares. It doesn't appear evident to me sometimes, but I think I just had a revelation that he does. He told me if he didn't he would have blocked me and ghosted me out. For some reason, I didn't believe him, but I know now that I was wrong not to trust his word. He wouldn't put in the effort if he didn't. I'm forcing myself to trust him. I'm trying to now. Yes, I know. Too late. But in the time being, I have to trust that he's doing exactly what he says he's doing, because that's all he's ever done. I didn't trust him because I never trust anybody. Been stabbed in the back too many times. I thought maybe living in distrust would mean that I didn't have to feel the pain when someone tried to stab me in the back, but I was wrong. My heart just started to beat extremely fast. I thought I just saw him at coffee rush. It was only someone who carried themselves in the same way as he. That, and the messy brown hair. I have to get used to being alone again. Maybe while I have time to think and now know I have the strength to get better, I'll figure out why I didn't before. I think I'll write down what i'd say to him if I had to say good by for real. Hopefully I will never have to do that, but just in case... It will solidify the things I want to remember.

Maybe I don't want to do that just yet. I'm still trying to make up for what I've done. I also don't want to tell a goodbye tale yet. I don't want to write about it yet. Instead I'll write of the things I want to remember and have been remembering.

I remember when we first met, and my general annoyance at him for not leaving me alone. But I also couldn't keep my own gaze from him. He was just so perfectly handsome.
--I just thought about how he thought I was so beautiful. If he ever saw me bare again, I think he'd think I am ****. I've never been particularly attractive anyway. I feel like every time he sees me now, he can only think of how **** I am. But then again, maybe I just think I'm **** and I'm projecting what I think onto his persona.--
I remember swimming in my pool and feeling a little jealous of the way he talked about Jessica. I also remember how indescribably awesome it felt to be so close to him. I remember our first kiss, and how delicious and delicate it was. How much my heart leapt with love for him in that moment. Being so embarrassed for saying "I love you" too soon in my eyes, but being relieved when he said it back. I remember our first fight and getting through it because we loved each other.
--maybe that's why it seems like it'll be too hard for us to get through this and make it out together. Maybe he doesn't really love me that much anymore. That can't be true. It might be... I have to give him time to get over what happened the other night. When he get's over it, maybe it will come back. I have to remember that what I did was very hurtful to him in his fragile state. It will take him a long while, I imagine. Maybe for me to put it in perspective, I have to make a scenario up to imagine how he feels. How he feels now is probably how I would feel if he kissed someone else. I would be enraged. Maybe the anger and hurt he feels overpowers any love he has, and any ability he has to forgive me. For right now.--

Jack said something to me last night about people who forgive each other. For example, me and Jack. I told jack I wasn't sure if he would ever forgive me. Jack said to "look at us. We hurt each other immensely and we still forgave each other." Jack is one of my best friends now, and I love him very much. Maybe that's how it will work out with me and B.
(I'm going to refer to him as "B" because it hurts to think or say or write his name).

I'm in a significantly better mood now.

130 · Apr 29
I waited
The Spider Apr 29
I waited to tell her about something important.
I asked her if she knew I would tell her if anything worrying would have happened.
"Yes" she said.
I debated on telling her right then and there.
It had been eating at me since Thursday.
He had been saying worrying things for a few days.
I hadn't engaged in it,
or tried to engage in it either.
I wanted to make sure that it was the right thing to do.
I felt guilty about not telling her.
So I had to.
I don't want to be the one to hurt her this time.
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