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38.8k · Jan 2016
Autumn Leaves
The Spider Jan 2016
Our Autumn has arrived, but I don’t predict another spring.
The Autumn leaves are here to stay
but Autumn herself leaves.
Her wake
forever freezes us over, petrifying us to watch the sufferage.
The sufferage of the people around us.
Starvation, damnation, and crimes that are uncontrolable.
The autumn leaves are here to stay
but Autumn herself must leave.
I leave along side her, I am not here to stay
and watch you fall apart.
Your Autumn has arrived, but I really don’t predict another spring.
I wrote this for an english project in 9th grade. We had to use a song and build a poem from it
8.9k · Apr 2017
I Love Coffee
The Spider Apr 2017
When I was very little, my dad used to make up songs about what he was doing around the house.
Getting ready to go fishing, he'd make up a song.
Making lunch; he'd make up a song.
And once, he was making coffee, and I vaguely remember it.
My dad was holding me while he was pouring the coffee into the coffee filter,
The water in the coffee ***.
I remember him looking at me and smiling and then he sang:
"I love coffee," he'd sing and I'd echo with what he'd sing.
"Coffee every day,"
"When I wake in the morning,"
"It gets me on my way."

-J
I love you dad. Even all of your weird embarrassing songs.
5.3k · Aug 2016
Ms. Edgy
The Spider Aug 2016
Yeah, I just love to write poetry.
I'm such a deep soul; an old one, they'd call it.
I feel like nobody loves or cares about me
so I need, like, so much attention.

You're fake.
You are so fake.
Write a piece that means something to you
other than just for getting views.

I see you at the local venues
prancing around like everyone has their eyes on you.
Trust me, no one is looking, Ms. Edgy.
Drama will get you nowhere.

You're not deep.
You're as shallow as a puddle;
You only care about yourself,
About what the media thinks of you.

Yeah, I agree, you do need attention.
From perhaps a therapist.
Get over yourself, Ms. Edgy,
Because I promise you this; Nobody cares.
To an "edgy" user on here. Perhaps you should learn what being edgy is before you try to act the part.
3.8k · Aug 2017
A Quote from Someone I Love.
The Spider Aug 2017
I looked at her, beautiful and powerful
In the light of the fire and she said
"Leave one wolf alive,
And the sheep are never safe."


-j
To mandie. (Sorry for stealing your title, rose)
3.0k · Feb 2016
Alice in Purgatory
The Spider Feb 2016
Falling
                 though the sky like a comet;
                 racing towards inevitable
                 death
down
                 to the cold earth.
                 I try to see myself in
the
                 world we live in today.
                 But all I want to do is run fast
                 like a
rabbit
                 trying to get away from
                 predators.

                 I guess I feel I have to hide in
                 the
hole.
I don't know. Most of the time I just want to hide and think I'll be okay by myself.
2.6k · Jan 2016
Dewdrop
The Spider Jan 2016
Misty eyes like dewdrops on the grass;
Wide as the moon and bright as the sun.
Smile like the brightest star on the darkest night
and face like a cherub child.
Her mother liked her alcohol.
It was her replacement of her baby with misty eyes
like dewdrops on the grass;
Except it was always more than a drop.
It was more like pouring rain.
Chastised for being too happy
but convinced she was loved all the same
Mother said,
"Dewdrop, I'm sorry; Won't happen again."
But it always happened and promise after
promise was broken.
The child with the misty
eyes like dewdrops and the moon
got swept away by the rain
to start mending those wounds.
I love my step mom and I hate what her mother did to her.
The Spider Oct 2017
i woke up today feeling like the most amazing ******* the planet.
i have never known true colors until i saw the sun set on the horizon
i have never known happiness
til i woke up and felt the butterflies in my stomach.
the sounds of the world ring clearly to me now
as if i had never heard sound before.
i have never been more comfortable in my bones than i am right now.
the coffee tastes a little sweeter.
the music plays a little lighter.
i have never known love like this until i woke up today.
I don't even know how to function right now because i am so happy.
1.4k · Jun 2016
These Green Eyes
The Spider Jun 2016
Behind these green eyes
Lies an ocean of fear.
Fear that what accompanies them
Will not be good enough.
A fear that they will not be successful.
And behind these green eyes,
Lies a blinding desert of anger.
And in this desert you will find
Their dreams being shut down by people
Who have no room to talk about stupid dreams.
Or how the emotional abuse they get
Is supposed to be dropped and viewed as unimportant
To them
And everyone they see.
Behind these green eyes,
A storm of anxiety brews.
Questions of what if's and why's
Fly by in the whipping wind
Crashing agains the walls of the skull
That holds these green eyes.
Behind these green eyes
Flows a river of doubt.
And in this river you'll find bodies
That once were
Happiness
Success
Love
Trust...
These eyes doubt whether they
Will truly see these things again.
And behind these green eyes,
Is a person too far gone to care anymore.
Sigh..
1.4k · Dec 2017
She/Her
The Spider Dec 2017
She has long brown hair.
Mine could never compare to hers.
I have short, curly, ashy hair.

Her hair is softer than feathers.
Mine is crisp, thin, breaking.
She has chocolate eyes and
spider leg lashes.
Mine are blue; such a generic color,
and lashes, sparse.

She has a white smile and
rose colored lips.
She has perfect teeth; symmetrical.
My smile isn't the brightest.
Lips, pale and thin.
Crooked teeth.

She smells like lemongrass and apple juice.
I have no scent.
Nothing signature, or memorable.

She is beautiful.
She is captivating.
Her soul is beautiful and I see why people like her.
I'm the plain girl.
Nothing if not ordinary.
My soul has scars and blemishes and
I see why I'm easy to miss.

*I wish I could be like her.
I couldn't compare to someone like her.
She tastes like peaches and sweets.
I see her and feel threatened.
I wish I could be like her.
1.3k · Jan 2016
The Sound Of My Kitchen Sink
The Spider Jan 2016
Drip, splash, drip
Drip-drip, splash, splash.
These are the sounds of my kitchen sink.
The drip and the splash mean
more than you think.
The whoosh of running water
filling the sink to the edge
spilling over like plink and gush.
Pooling onto the floor
soaking into the carpets;
stepping through the water like
squish, and squash, and hush.
Where do I go from here?
The kitchen sink is overflowing
and I have no clue what to do.
Though, the sound of the plink and splash
is calming. It takes me back to the beach
when I was with my Johnny Boy
and the crash and boom of waves
were so loud we couldn’t hear each other.
The memory puts me at rest.
The kitchen starts to fill past my neck,
past my nose with water.
I’m drowning like I did with my John.
The water floods my ears
making me go deaf.
But this time it’s peaceful.
It’s better than hearing the plunk and sploosh
of the sink or the rain.
Maybe I’ll stay here a while
and take away the pain.
1.3k · Sep 2017
Daydream or Memory?
The Spider Sep 2017
Brother and sister running across the yard.
"*****, *****!" They're shouting.
Reaching me, jumping on me, hugging me, laughing.
I wake up; snap out of it.
Was this a daydream or a memory?*
-J
Im not really sure what's reality or what idealism is anymore.
1.3k · Jun 2016
Christina Grimmie
The Spider Jun 2016
Good afternoon, Christina.
I'm sorry for what happened to you.
I just wanted you to know that
Team Grimmie is gonna miss you.
We already miss you.
I'm still in denial that you're actually gone;
That I'll never hear your voice
In another song.
That I'll never see another goofy video
Or post on social media.
What happened was completely unfair.
But, I guess it was your time in God's eyes.
Keep singing in God's choir;
I'll bet you're voice is the most
Beautiful of them all up there.
Rest in peace, Christina.
We love you.
Christina Grimmie was one of my biggest inspirations. She inspired me to start my YouTube channel and expand my knowledge on music. I love you girl. You still rawk.
1.1k · Aug 2018
Home Is Where The Heart Is
The Spider Aug 2018
What is home?
The word “home” is where someone lives.
A home is where they have family.
How does that quote go?
“Home is where the heart is.”
I don’t know what that means.
Today I was driving on Williams Field and Lindsay,
Heading east towards Higley.
I thought of the Pizza place that I’ve never been to.
Zella’s, it’s called.
Bosa Donuts right across the road, which is also ironically right next to a gym.
I thought about all the shops that are on this one street,
And then I thought of “home.”
The green fields of Wisconsin,
Or the desert areas of Mesa, Arizona?
I know this city better than I know the town I grew up in.
I know the roads, the weather patterns.
I know where to find the gas stations
And the corner stores.
Which parts of town are the “good” parts.
Which are the bad parts.
But we’re back to the same question.
What is home?
Because I live here in Arizona,
I know the streets and I love the city.
But I’m by myself.
What is home,
Because all my family lives in Wisconsin,
And I can’t even remember how to navigate
The town I grew up in anymore?
What is home,
Because my heart is here, with this city,
But I find myself missing Wisconsin more than ever?
I find myself wondering more and more why I miss Wisconsin. There is nothing there for me anymore and yet I weep for it sometimes.
The Spider May 2016
My dad always told me "It's okay to breathe, Squirt,"
when I was panicking or trying not to cry.
When times get tough, just remember that it's okay to breathe.
It's okay to let go and take a breath.
If you think that you can't do something,
It is okay to breathe.
Close your eyes and imagine some place that makes you happy, and breathe.
My dad always told me "It's okay to breathe, Squirt."
And it is.
1.1k · Dec 2016
Stranger
The Spider Dec 2016
I used to look into her eyes and see
someone beautiful and intelligent and magnificent.
I'd look at her face, smooth pale skin
and red-gold hair, and see a spark within her.
She never thought her fire would go out,
being because she was such a fiery young girl.

But then she got older.

I used to look into her eyes and see
a flicker of the flame that used to be.
I looked into her face,
fierce and hard with years of emotional abuse
and I thought to myself that the fire was still there,
though it was just a flicker.

But then, one day, it went out.

I'm staring into her eyes now,
wondering who the hell she is;
Wondering what happened to the flame of a girl.
She is unrecognizable to me.
But I think.... I think somewhere
underneath this stone cold face..
I think this stranger....

**Is me.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
The Spider May 2017
Not a day goes by anymore where I don't
curse this volatile world for bringing me into it.
I'm angry.
I'm Sad.
I hate everything.
I'm a coward.
And I hate God and all religion.
I'm just an infantile complain-ee who can't seem to feel anything except hate and anger.
I'm over the death and the sadness and the violence of this iniquitous, depraved place we humans call Home.
Everyday, I wake up to the anger in my burning, nauseous stomach and wonder why I have to be such a coward.
Sometimes life is great but then I'm reminded that life involuntarily defecates on everything that matters even a little bit.
I used to pray to your so called God for help
Because it was what one of my friends would have done.
But now I see that even in her time of need, He was gone.
The devout little Christian girl that Christ didn't want to save simply because it would require work.
There is no hope for this manic, putrid planet.
I'm done being nice and pretending that I'm a good person.
973 · Apr 2017
About A Woman
The Spider Apr 2017
This isn't a poem. This is more like a letter about a girl I knew.
Her name is Christina Grimmie. When she first started out on YouTube, I found her and I loved her. I commented on her video; something about the Zelda poster in the background. We bonded over that. And we talked for a little while, but then we lost touch. For a long time.
In 2014, she was on the voice. I was so proud of her. I sent her a Snapchat congratulating her and telling her how proud I was of her. And after that, we continued to talk. She was there for me when she could be. Sometimes she couldn't answer because she was on tour, or because she was recording, or simply because she was tired. We weren't best friends, but we were close enough to be considered friends. She lost touch with me again. The last thing we said to each other breaks my heart.
I don't know what to do. I'm so mad at everybody. Got any advice?
John 13:34- "A new command I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." Yu have to love people in order to be happy. If u sit here and resent them, yu wont be happy at all girl! Love yuuu.
She was shot and killed about a month or so later. And I was heart broken. I was so mad at the world. I deleted her from my phone because it was too painful. I regret that decision. I had lost someone so dear to me. I think about her every day. But one day I saw her brother, Marcus, pop up in my friend suggestion box on Facebook. I added him and he added me back. Now we talk all the time and its like I'm talking to her. It's like if you look behind Mark's eyes, there she is smiling back at you.
I don't talk about her much. It feels awkward. But I miss her a lot.
950 · May 11
How Many?
The Spider May 11
How many more children have to die
before we stop believing the lie that
America is safe
and America is great
and that we all live under the rule of a really great guy?
Before all our children don't need to vie
just to survive
going to school and coming out again alive?
Before mental disorders stop being the
brunt end of a joke
and that maybe there might be hope
that those who suffer don't have to walk on a tightrope?
What about when we can start living in harmony?
When we stop judging others and
start shunning dishonorary
acts of violence
acts of hate
and acts of crime before it's to late?
How many more children have to die?
How many?
How many?
How many?
How many???

-Spider
This is getting ridiculous you guys...
880 · Jan 2017
Moving On
The Spider Jan 2017
He doesn't love you anymore.
He certainly doesn't miss you.
He doesn't love the way your eyes shine
When you talk about the people you love.
He doesn't miss the way you call him
To make sure he was awake in time for work.
He doesn't love the way your hair looks
Pulled back with your glasses on.
He doesn't miss the way you'd laugh
When things were bad but you'd joke anyway.
He doesn't love the way you say
"I love you."
He doesn't miss the way you blush
When he told you he loved you.
He doesn't love you anymore.
He certainly doesn't miss you.
And the worst part is that you're still here,
While he's moved on.
You're still here,
Waiting for that phone call or text that never will come.
Your still here,
While he's in the back of your mind,
Making sure you'll never be moving on.
*******.
The Spider Jan 2016
The warmth of the fire flushes my cheeks and makes me sweat
just like the day I first met you.
Outside, the snow falls fresh; the sunset is beautiful
just like when you first kissed me.
My heart beats fast like bird wings
just like the first time we made love.

In the forest I lay down and talk to the trees about good things
just like when I was talking to you. And not about pleasantries.
The birds outside fly away frantically
just like you when we talked about the news we were avoiding.
My heart swells in my chest
just like the child that was in my body.

Each and everything I say streams out of my mouth
like a waterfall down the cliff side.

I was the one coddling you
like a mother would coddle a child.
You were the one who was crying
like it was my fault.

The warmth of the fire flushes my cheeks and makes me sweat,
and here I sit with a bottle of scotch thinking
*have you ever wondered why minuscule memories can be so loud?
I really really wish you would shut the **** up.
782 · Apr 2017
All Is Vanity
The Spider Apr 2017
When your mom kept you from your dad.
The feeling of sadness is vanity.
When you hit your older brother because he wouldn't share.
The feeling of anger is vanity.
When you whipped your friend Matt with a wet towel and he started bleeding.
The feeling of guilt is vanity.
When you won your first softball game.
The feeling of pride is vanity.
When you thought you got your boyfriend in trouble with law.
The feeling of regret is vanity.
When you fought with a girl about that boy and made it a bigger deal than it was.
The feeling of jealousy is vanity.

All is vanity.
Nothing matters, and everything is meaningless.
In the end, we all get the same fate,
the same destiny.
We will all be 6 feet underground one day, and everything we do is meaningless.
For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.

*All is vanity.
751 · May 2016
Light My Path
The Spider May 2016
Dear God,
I am not a religious person.
I suppose, since you can hear everything I'm thinking,
that you already knew that.
I wouldn't pray to you if I didn't feel that I needed to,
but here's a shot, I guess.
I want you to look over Dewdrop.
She needs you most right now.
And you've already taken enough from her.
Taking her life isn't exactly helping her out.
I've asked you for help before.
To help me be happy, or to help my family in times of need.
But you've never answered.
No signs, or even direct help.
But I'm asking you now:
will you please light my path?
Show me the way to help my family?
Will you please tell me how to ease Dew's head?
I don't know how to do it by myself.
Im asking you please, don't let me do this on my own.
Dear God,
I hope you're listening...
709 · Aug 2016
A lakota proverb
The Spider Aug 2016
Tell me, and I will listen.
Show me, and I will understand.
Take me in, and I will learn.
675 · Jan 2016
Getting Carried Away
The Spider Jan 2016
I remember when I was young
I would watch the fall leaves falling
to the cold and hardening ground.
I remember when the wind would blow
and swoop in on the leaves, taking them
gently and carrying them away.
I thought it was sad that the leaves
would die when the wind came.
“You’ve only just come back! Stay!”
But the leaves didn’t listen,
for they couldn’t,
and I remember thinking
“I wish the wind would come
and carry me away too."
638 · Apr 2017
Sunflowers
The Spider Apr 2017
I fell in love and my soul grew wildflowers.
Purples, pinks, blues, and yellows;
They grew from top to toe, smelling sweetly.
The sun shown brightly from the pupils of my eyes.
The grass was green and fresh and soft.

There was no storm in sight.

Not until later when seasons changed and the wind began to grow cold.
The flowers of my soul began to wilt and harden at the hateful autumn touch.

Then the snow fell. The first snow of my only winter.

The grass had turned brown and dark intimidating clouds blocked out any light.
The beautiful flowers that once gave me life, have died in the cold storm he left.
I fell in love once and it left me with nothing but a cold, dead heart.
9:20 P.M.
****
The Spider Jul 2017
If you'll watch closely,
You'll catch them in the lies
That roll
Carefully and smoothly
Off their tongues.
Consider them
A mirage.
They want you to think
That they're
Your desert oasis.
But in reality,
You were just blinded by
The thirst.
The need for attention and affection.
Page 2
631 · Mar 2017
Dear Alice
The Spider Mar 2017
How fun it would be
To fall down a hole into a far away place,
Full of creatures unknown,
Stories untold,
A universe away from the human race.

How fun it would be
To be able to think all day.
Mad as a hatter,
Crooked as a caterpillar,
With no one to feed your head except
The whispering winds around you.

Oh Alice, dear Alice,
How I do envy you.
Up here, surrounded by malice
Violence, and ever-vacuous people.

Every day we feed our heads with
The words of crooked politicians
And mindless, uncivil movements.

Oh Alice, dear Alice,
This world's time is ticking closer
To the end.
The Spider Jan 2016
We've got a special kind of love.
it's so unbelievable.
I thought you loved me like I love melancholy moods.
But you only loved yourself,
So i have another story to tell,
Hold on, strap your seatbelt
We're about to take off.

You knew that we were all wrong
We were caught up in the ******.
Closer and closer we grew,
And things were getting ****
I want to get to know you, everything about you.
Perfect imperfections and sly innuendos.
And i never said it'd be easy,
But who knew this could be so pleasing?

You're just a basket case,
A yellow-bellied coward.
Why can't you say it to my face?
I'm getting older by the hour.
Time is ticking on, and im starting to get mad.
Erase the feelings of love and most everything we had.

You make you're way in like a venomous snake.
I'm sorry to say there's a line in your way.
The line is the bind between my love and your hate.
You're an unsympathetic ****,
Don't ******* treat me this way.
This simply can't work, trust me i know.
I've got the rage of a madman, so id run,
And run. I'd go.

Go away from me.
Stop feeling sorry for youself.
You want to try to control me, I'm on the highest shelf.
I pity you, honey, i really do.
Lying, manipulating *******, thats you.
You might want to start praying now,
Because im not about to bow.
This is really going to hurt,
So prepare for the worst.

Here's an announcement ladies and gents!
Cat's out of the bag so *******! Get bent.
I aim to please, and i ain't pleasing you.
My heart's on the mend, and oh yeah, *******!

You're just a basket case,
A yellow-bellied coward.
Why can't you say it to my face?
I'm getting older by the hour.
Time is ticking on, and im starting to get mad.
Erase the feelings of love and most everything we had.

You make you're way in like a venomous snake.
I'm sorry to say there's a line in your way.
The line is the bind between my love and your hate.
You're an unsympathetic ****,
Don't ******* treat me this way.
This simply can't work, trust me i know.
I've got the rage of a madman, so id run,
And run. I'd go.

My temper is high, you weak-kneed coward.
The pleasure's all mine you pathetic ****.
You're one of the ******, so you'll be
Locked in the cage.
This story is over, and yet not my rage.

We have a special kind of love,
And it's a dangerous one.
It's one that ends with you...
At the barrel of my gun.
All songs are poems. I wrote this about the guy that wont let me live my own life. There's another about him by JR Falk called An Open Letter To The First Boy I Loved.
608 · Nov 2018
"Grab My Hand"
The Spider Nov 2018
I had a dream of a dead friend once.
Words cannot describe how it made me feel.
He's been dead since May 2017,
but I feel him alive everywhere around me.
I see him,
In Garrett's curly hair.
I see him,
In the fiery red locks that Bridget has.
I see him,
In the blue eyes of my best friend.
I see him in the freckles on Julayne's face.
A long time ago,
I would have said that I hated him.
Maybe a part of me still does.
But a part of me also wishes that I could have said my peace
before the inevitable death came to be.
Part one of 2 parts.
587 · Jan 2016
Brother
The Spider Jan 2016
The day you were born,
I couldn't be there to see you all wrapped up in blue.
Dad called me to say that
the doctors said you were perfectly healthy.

I wanted to come straight away,
but we have different mothers,
and mine would not take me.
I didn't think it was capable for me;
To love you more than I love anything.

I look through your blue-green eyes;
the same ones we share,
and see myself.
I was a happy little nuisance like you.

Your laughter, even when you know
you're being naughty,
Makes me laugh as hard as you do.
I can't help but smile when I think
of you, little brother.

When I lay you down for a nap,
it is relief, but do I get bored
when you're gone?
Yes I do.

Sometimes I sneak in your room
and watch you peacefully sleeping
just to make sure you're okay.

The day you were born,
I couldn't be there to see you all wrapped in blue,
but that matters not,
because nobody loves you more than I love you.
A poem to my baby brother. He's 18 months now.
567 · Jul 2017
Wakan Tanka
The Spider Jul 2017
You are the greatest mystery out there.
Wakan Tanka, the greatest mystery.
You are the spirit of all,
And yet you are only one being.
You thought the Earth was lonely
So you made Skan, and Maka, and Wi.
And they are all you,
But you are still one by yourself.
Wakan Tanka, the greatest mystery.
Lakota Sioux Indians have the most interesting stories of creation and belief.
Wakan Tanka is their god, but he is split into many other spirits. Lakota and Dakotas are so amazing to learn about.
541 · Oct 2017
When He Holds My Hand
The Spider Oct 2017
When he holds my hand, I'm warm, I'm safe, and I'm wonderful.
When I lay my head next to his, I put my hand on his chest.
He places his hand over mine.
When he holds my hand, he traces my thumb with his,
And leaves chills wherever he touches me.
When he holds my hand, I instantly get butterflies.
Sometimes I think my heart beats so fast that it stops.
When he holds my hand, I look at him and smile;
He sees me looking at him, and smiles back with the most
beautiful smile that I've ever seen,
reaching all the way to his coffee colored eyes.
When he holds my hand, I feel like I'm truly loved for
what seems like the first time in my life.
When he holds my hand, our fingers interlace,
fitting together so perfectly that one would think we were made
fore each other.
It's like two pieces to a puzzle that finally fit together.
When he holds my hand, I'm finally whole.
I am happy. I am safe.
539 · Feb 2017
My Buddy
The Spider Feb 2017
Christina,
I miss you. I miss you being there for me. I miss your voice. Everything about you. Lately I've been thinking about you. More than when you were alive, sad to say. I guess it's because now that you're gone, I wish I could have gotten to know you more. You, the funny introvert. You, the kind smile on my snapchat every day. I miss you, my buddy. We're hanging in there.
For Christina Grimmie
511 · Jun 2017
One Year
The Spider Jun 2017
One year ago today, Christina Grimmie was taken from us. I remember sitting in my best friend's room watching her videos and saying "How does she even hit those notes!?!?" And since then, I've been there with Christina every step of the way. From her first Twitter account, to Find Me, to winning the iHeartRadio contest. Even her Hannah Montana days. (Lol). When I discovered Christina, I was immediately inspired to become more like her music wise. I started singing more. I started playing piano more. I learned a whole bucketful of new instruments because she inspired me to. And then one day, she answered a snapchat and just kind of started replying to me. We weren't at all super close, but close enough. Not only was she an inspiration, she was kind enough to be a friend. This year has been a weird year for Team Grimmie. It's been very confusing. But I couldn't be more proud of Christina than I am right now. She's come so far, even after she passed. I'm so proud of you, girl.

Love, me.
I miss you more than anything, Spoop.
466 · May 2017
Happy.
The Spider May 2017
How can I be happy when the world keeps going?
Don't you guys know that he's dead?
My beautiful, loving, goofy friend
Is dead.
Hunter please come back!
How could he be gone?
How could I be happy when I can't see his face anymore?
I can't ever see his blond hair bouncing around as he walks again.
There's nothing left of my amazing Hunter.
Why aren't they stopping to acknowledge his death?
Don't they know?
I'm so confused.
How can they not have known him?
How could they not have heard of the fiery death he suffered?
How could anyone not have known the amazing, kind, nerdy, dork that was my friend?
Please, take a moment for me.

Take a moment.
Google "Cranberry Road Wisconsin Car Accident Hunter Morby."
He was my friend. I've known him since I was a kid.
Please, just take a moment to acknowledge him.
Of course I'm not as happy as you are. My best friend just died and the world happens to think its hilarious to **** on my life every 10 minutes and all I can think about is how Hunter, Jason, and Landen must have looked when the EMTs and First Responders got there. Charred skin, probably melted to the car. Their eyes were probably cooked and cloudy. So yeah, I'm not happy. Certainly not as happy as anyone else I can think of. But, I would feel a little better if the sad, selfish, Pisces, Jesus men on this earth would take a moment to acknowledge him. Thanks.
456 · Aug 2017
Little Sister
The Spider Aug 2017
Khloe.
You've got the sweetest smile I have ever seen.
You have blond hair like I did when I was 2.
You have the bluest eyes in the whole world, and I hope they stay that way.
I want you to know that you look more like I do than the rest
of your siblings.
Your mom told me once that you'll never
be as pretty as Kendal or Kaylie,
because you look more like dad and I.
You're so shy, and timid.
That's not a bad thing; it means you wont get into very much trouble.
For how much your mom calls you stupid,
you're actually pretty smart for a two year old.
You get your brains from me.
You're beautiful.
You'll always be beautiful to me.
Be proud of who you are, little sister.
I want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you
with all of my heart.
I don't know when I'll see you again.
Your mom and dad made it pretty clear that I am not a part of the Downey family anymore.
And if that remains true,
maybe someone will tell you that not one of your
sisters love you like I do.
I'm gonna miss you out here, Khloe.
I hope that when you're older you'll remember me and find me.
That you wont be mad that I missed out on so many
years of your life.
I hope that when you're ready, or if you even want to,
you'll come find me and then we'll talk.
But for now, I have to keep my distance from your family.
So I wont be seeing you at all.
And it's extremely painful and my heart breaks a little more everyday.
But I know that it's for the best for me and maybe even for you.
Who am I kidding? It's what's best for your mom,
but we wont tell her that.
I love you, little sister.
I hope to see you sooner rather than later.
Love,
Your oldest sister, Jordyn.
The pain is unimaginable to those who do not understand what it's like to lose your family.
451 · May 2016
The Hunny Tree
The Spider May 2016
There is
                           A small memory I recall of
A time
                            When I was young
And
                            My dad and I went to
A place
                            Called the Hunny Tree.
                            We went there
For everything.
Idk why I wrote this. I just remembered it was kind of like our grocery store.
The Spider May 2017
Kevin James Loibl.
I'm going to start off by saying that if you weren't already dead, you'd wish you were by now. You are the **** of the earth. You took one of the most important people in my life away from me. You took the brightest star in the sky and burned it out. It wasn't fair. Not to her, not to her family, not to Team Grimmie. Not to anyone. You killed her because you got jealous. How could you be so messed up? Why couldn't you just accept that she was too good for you? She wouldn't want your gross body modifications. She wouldn't want your awful personality. She definitely wouldn't want someone who would **** over love. That was her whole thing. She loved everything and everybody. But I'm sure if you gave her the chance she'd hate you anyway. Team is so mad at you for killing yourself. You should have lived. You should be here living with every ounce of the guilt you should be feeling. You said you loved her, but how could you do that to her? You shot her in the head and chest. Do you know what that did to her? Two bullets pierced her brain. I don't think that that's what killed her but I know she wouldn't be the same Grimmie as before if she recovered. Then you shot her in the chest. One of her lungs had to have collapsed, and you nicked her heart. Her pure, innocent heart. The gunpowder residue on the bullets burned her skin when they entered her body. You burned her beautiful face. You destroyed her. She bled out. She died a slow, painful death because of you. She didn't deserve that. She deserved to live. She deserved to enjoy a long, happy life with Stephen. With Marcus. With Momma and Daddy Grimmie. But instead, she's a corpse rotting in the ground because of you. She would tell me not to waste my time hating and that I should spend it forgiving. But I can't forgive you. I can't not hate you. Kevin James Loibl, **** of the earth, I hate you. I hope you rot in the deepest pit of Hell for all of eternity.
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart,
Me.
To the man that shot and killed my best friend.
410 · Aug 2017
Little Brother
The Spider Aug 2017
Landin.
Hey little man.
When you were born, my mom wouldn't drive me out to the hospital to see you.
I was so excited to see you I could hardly sleep.
You were the tiniest baby I had ever seen (and the cutest with those dimples of yours).
I was so proud to have a little brother, and not be
an only child on my dads side of the family.
You were my blood. Well, half of my blood anyway.
When I held you for the first time, I was so scared that I had to sit
down because I didn't want to break you.
When your mom, dad, and I brought you home,
we introduced you to our dogs Remi and JJ.
JJ was immediately protective over you. She loved you, ******.
One night, your mom asked me to watch you while
she and dad ran some errands.
I said it was fine, and that of course I didn't mind.
You fell asleep with your head buried in my neck
curled up in my arms.
You were only two weeks old then.
I watched you grow from two weeks to six months, to a year, to three years old.
I watched you figure out how to count to three.
How to crawl.
I watched you take your first step.
I watched you fall.
Every night I would silently tell you I love you, because you were my whole world.
Soon enough, after your sister was born, your mom
started taking me for granted.
Soon enough, you were with me every single day. Sometimes even at night.
I'd rock you to sleep when you were scared.
I'd build you a fort out of blankets and chairs when you were bored.
I'd take you for walks when your mom and dad were fighting
because you'd be crying so hard.
That must have been very scary for you and Khloe both.
I'm sorry that you have to live that life;
Of watching your parents fight and yell and scream
at each other instead of loving each other like they're supposed to.
I hope you'll remember me, little brother.
Your mom and dad made it clear that I am not going to be
a part of your life or Khloe's life.
That pain is unimaginable.
I hope that when you grow up you'll become curious and find me.
I love you so much, Landin.
You have absolutely no idea how much I love you.
If you ever need anything, someone will tell you
where I am, what my number is... My address.
She will tell you, and I will be here for you.
Goodbye for now, little brother.
Love,
Your biggest (and most favorite) sister, Jordyn,
The End.
408 · Dec 2017
He/Him/His
The Spider Dec 2017
He is mine, and no one else's.
He is sweeter than candy and softer than silk.
He is the universe.
He is beautiful.
Wounded, but beautiful.
How was I so deserving of him?
He is my warmth, and without him
I'd die.
He's the sun to my Earth.
The moon to my stars.
She tried to take him from me.
Tried, but he is mine.
His heart, his love.
Him, that one over there, he is mine.
And I am his from this day
till the end of my days.
I love him, and he loves me.
He is mine, and no one else's.
I'm a little salty but I don't know how to express my thoughts so whatevs.
374 · Mar 2017
Where Is My Heart?
The Spider Mar 2017
"Where is your heart, my little love?"* you asked me.
With you.
Always my heart is with you.

This was the beginning. Always with you, darling.
Happy "I love you's."
Laughter.
Fun.
Innocent jokes.

Things were fine.
Until I couldn't handle the stress of my tormenting past.

"Where is your heart, my little love?"
It's not feeling well today, darling, it's a little blue so it's laying in bed for a while. Don't worry though, it'll pull through.
Family was getting worse.
Happiness became sadness,
Laughter became tears,
Fun wasn't truly fun,
Jokes weren't as innocent as they once were.

I still tried, though.
But the more I tried, the further you went from me.

So one day, I reversed the question on you.
Where is your heart, my darling?
"My heart is with her, but you don't know that.
You started sneaking around. You started lying.
You stopped looking at me when I asked you where you've been all night.

You almost seemed to feel bad.
So you told me something I believed.

"I'm sorry, little love, I'll try harder."
You played with my heart from then on.
Telling me that you loved me, when you were telling her the same thing.
Everything you told me from that point on was a lie.

Then we broke up.
And I asked if you would stay.

"Of course I'll stay."
I still love you, Jack.
no answer
I'm sorry.
"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault."

I'm depressed at this point.
So you asked me something that made it worse.

"Where is your heart, Jordyn?"
I got angry then.
How could you be so stupid? How could you be so blind?
Can't you see, you *****!?
Can't you see this gaping hole in my chest?
Sometimes I wonder if I even have a heart anymore.
So I don't know Jack.
Where is my heart,

And what have you done with it?
Still plagued with the poisonous thoughts of you.
361 · Jul 2017
Dear Christina
The Spider Jul 2017
I miss you. I'm thinking about you a lot today. I guess I always think about you around holidays and festivities. I wish you were here. It's been a year and one month, and life still doesn't make sense without you. All Is Vanity was your last album as far as I know, and it makes me so sad to think that you'll never come out with anything again. I wish I could pluck you from heaven just so I could hear you sing again. I've been practicing on making my vocal range as good as yours. You had a voice like honey, but also a voice that could move mountains. Do you remember thinking how your email was broken because you'd refresh it, but there were a hundred more emails to look at? And it was actually just because people kept viewing and commenting on your video? I thought that was the funniest thing. You were so freaked out, and it's funny because you never actually get scared of anything. Except spiders. You hated spiders.... I really miss you, Christina. I hope you're watching Team Grimmie. I hope you're looking out for Marcus and making sure he knows that it wasn't his fault. He beats himself up for not being able to save your life. Please make sure he knows you're okay. I love you, Christina.
I'm really missing my best girl.
358 · Jun 2017
Storm Song
The Spider Jun 2017
It was storming last night.
The wind was howling, and the flag
Outside my house was whipping at the window.
I was plagued by a nightmare I'd had before.
I ****** awake to the sound of thunder as the scariest part
Of my nightmare relayed.  
I grabbed my phone and called you.
Of course, you answered immediately, and the sound of your voice
Flooded me with relief.
I'd started crying, obviously denying it,
and you sang to me.
Gosh, you're so tone deaf but it makes
Me feel so much better.
You talked to me, and made sure I was okay.
You put on a movie for me.
I fell asleep an hour and a half later, thankful that I didn't
Have to deal with this nightmare alone again.
Even though it was still storming outside,
I felt calm and comfortable as soon as you were with me.
It was as though I were in the eye of the storm.
I was calm.
Life was beautiful.
354 · Jun 2017
Shame
The Spider Jun 2017
How dare you make fun of my dead friend?
How dare you?
How dare you use his death as an excuse to say that you're happier than me?
How dare you?
Death isn't funny, and it's not something to use
Against someone.
How dare you?
It's not something to mess around with to gain sympathy,
Or to make yourself feel better simply because
You don't like someone.  
How. Dare. You.
The rage I'm feeling at the Universe we live in,
Is not directed at anything.
Except for the unfairness of life and how life
Takes the things we love most.
How dare you use that against me?
*H O W  D A R E  Y O U
I'm angry at the universe. Not petty high school ******* from two years ago.
353 · Apr 2017
Bitter
The Spider Apr 2017
The pain is not fiery.
The pain is not cold.
The pain is bitter.
352 · May 2
Dear Spider
The Spider May 2
Breathing in your second-hand smoke
watching.
Feeling your flame on my exoskeleton
waiting.
Listening to the ashes in your mouth
escaping.
Inflating my lungs with your truths and your lies
infiltrating.
Using what I know to make your skin crawl;
A dear spider
In your garden I haunt you like a ghost
knowing.
Watching
Waiting
Infiltrating
Escaping
Knowing
Wha­t I know now.
Dear Spider.
My ex should not spread lies.
330 · Mar 8
As A Friend: Part 1
The Spider Mar 8
sunshine lands lightly on her eyelids,
sparks of orange and yellow
glide across her eyes.

image like a kaleidoscope
colorful and interesting, hard to resist.

a child playing in the front yard
on a summer's day
and laughter fills the air.

she is at peace when she feels the grass
under her feet.

a comforting blanket that she once had
ripped to shreds and sewn
back together again;

a flame in the darkness,
a star on Orion's Belt.

all she feels is the heat of serenity in knowing
that it might be okay now
and the sun has started to peak over the horizon,

covering her skin and
giving her the closure she needed.
For Mark Schmidt, if ever he sees this.
329 · Jun 2017
Surrounded By Your Things
The Spider Jun 2017
I went to your house today to see your mom.
It was weird.
There were photos of you everywhere;
On the walls, on the shelves, in the kitchen and bedrooms..
The only place that lacked a reminder of you was the bathrooms.
There we were,
Surrounded by your things,
All trying not to cry.
Trying to pretend that you're not actually gone.
Tia told me I could play your ukulele,
And as I held it in my hands,
I swear I could feel you there watching us.
We were surrounded by your things,
And I just hope that a piece of your soul is with your mom.
She needed you.
She loved you.
And now all she can do is be
Surrounded by your things.
I really miss you Hunter. Your mom is not how I remember. She's not "Crazy Carly" anymore. She just looks so broken, and I don't think that seeing you everywhere she goes helps, but make sure that YOU make sure she's loved, k buddy? Love you, Hunterdink. Rest easy.
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