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Sep 27 · 56
A Name
The Spider Sep 27
What is in a name?
Broken beyond repair
Revealing what was under the surface
Again and again your fists struck like a bat to a ball
Not even acknowledging what you did
Denying that anything happened
Over the course of 2 years you let me believe you were good
Now I know the truth

You're nothing but an ***.
The Spider Sep 11
What is it like to be *****?

It's like waking up and having sleep paralysis.
You can't move your arms,
you can't move your legs.
You can hardly breathe and the whole time you're panicking.
Until you just accept that you can't change it.
You've tried shaking yourself awake
and getting your limbs to flail in an attempt to move yourself.
But nothing works.

It's like waking up with a target on your back
begging boys and men to call you a **** because you
"shouldn't have drank so much."
Is 2 beers and half a cup of whiskey "too much" to you?
Did you acknowledge the fact that it might have been spiked?
Nobody believes you because all the details weren't perfect,
and because you weren't the perfect victim.

Imagine saying no 3 times after he begs you
"please, baby, it'll just be in and out, really quick."
Imagine him getting frustrated with you,
shoving you down on your back
and taking off your pants.
Imagine how it feels when he goes inside of you.
It's like your soul is ripping out of you from the inside,
and the worst part is that you think you're in love with that human.
And because of that, you don't say anything.
You're in shock that he did it,
and he takes your silence as a compliment while he brags about how "tight" you are.

Now you're dating someone four years later.
He's a new guy, and respectable.
He's sweet and wouldn't harm you, that you know of.
You've decided not to tell him about the baggage you carry around
from being a **** victim because it always causes problems.
You've since gotten over the emotional damage for the most part.
But he's started to notice the way you flinch
when he touches certain areas of your body.
The way you get quiet when he doesn't understand why you're not in the mood,
because you're too scared to hurt his feelings.

The memories of what happened to you are always going to be there.
They will never leave.
Jul 24 · 189
The Spider Jul 24
July 23rd, Tuesday
dial tone ringing
Hi there, how are you feeling?
I feel like I'm going to explode.
My mind wont stop racing.
My heart won't stop aching.
Mistakes that I'm making
Keep eating me alive.

Just take a deep breath, tell me why.
I'm a huge ******* joke.
Ask me why again and I'll choke.
My vision is clouded with smoke
and my fragile walls are breaking.

You're not a joke, all you need to do is breathe.
Once the air fills your lungs,
you'll be able to see--
See what? That karma is a *****?
That my lies make people's skin itch?
I know that I'm absolutely worthless.
I know, I know. I deserve this.

No! No, you're not worthless! You just need--
Dial tone

-The Shriveled, Dead Spider.
See you in another life, maybe.
Jul 19 · 170
The Spider Jul 19
All my feelings are gone.
No love.
No hate.
No anger.
No bitterness.
No happiness.
No hope.
It's all gone.
Jul 18 · 71
repost: a favorite
The Spider Jul 18
Laying down in bed
next to him.
Bare chest pressed against
my back.
He sighs in his sleep;
A soothing sound so
I hold onto his thumb;
so comfortable in
my hand.
He's warm.
im in love with you
Jul 18 · 65
a favorite (nightmare)
The Spider Jul 18
the memory of laying down in bed
next to him.
i can still feel his bare chest
pressed against my back.
i can still hear the sound of him
sighing in his sleep.
i can't get it out of my aching skull.
a horrid sound so
i grip my hands tightly together
to comfort myself.
i'm cold.
i am scared of you
The Spider Jul 18
The last one was my perfect prince.
The one I dreamed about so long ago.
His brown hair and brown eyes matched what I saw.
His stature and his features were precise.
I thought I met an angel,
but I met the devil himself instead.
Not only did this one hurt me
but he broke my trust.
The devil can be beautiful.
He can ring as honest as a bell
but drip lies like a poisoned dart.
This last one was a nightmare disguised as a dream.
He was a mix between the first two.
Sweet and handsome,
but violent and misleading.
Helpful and happy,
but hurtful and cowardly.
I loved him.
With everything that I had.
And he was just the ******* devil.
Jul 18 · 57
3 Peas in a Pod
The Spider Jul 18
One was a boy with brown hair and
crystal clear green eyes.
I thought he loved me.
All he did was hurt me.
He defiled me, belittled me,
tore my confidence to shreds.
He wore a façade and played everyone he ever knew.
He was cruel.

One was sweet and kind and wonderful.
Blond hair, a straight nose,
and a pair of ocean eyes.
He treated me like a princess.
Like I was a priceless gem.
But I guess he couldn't handle the distance,
or maybe he was just an idiot.
But soon he started lying,
and our relationship started dying.
He lied and lied and lied
until my love for him finally died.
He was a coward.

But this last one... my, my, my this last one....
To be continued.
Jul 18 · 199
The Spider Jul 18
I guess I find I'm not surprised
That all your words were filled with lies.
I just thought that you were perfect;
All this time that I deserved it.

All this time I pined for you;
And you didn't even love me true.
I had to find out about you secondhand,
and the taste of your specific brand.

I thought it would be shocking
to hear that you were **** talking.
Anxious about feeling the fury,
but all it did was humor me.

I don't feel anything anymore.
Anger, sadness, rage, all out the door.
It's not because I'm cold hearted.
It's just that now my heart's departed.

Broken, ******, battle scars;
Clearly we're not in the stars.
I will never love again,
For fear that they'll all be the same.
I will never speak your name again
Jul 18 · 60
The Spider Jul 18
I am Alice.
Today I woke up where the grass is greener
and the sky is bluer.
The sun shines brighter and illuminates
The shadows and the vile creatures within them.

                 Back through the sky like a cloud;
                 racing towards eternal life,
                 to the warm earth.
                 I try to see myself in
                 world we live in today.
                 I can see myself running towards it,
                 fast like a
                 chasing after the scent of carrots.
                 Chasing after life outside of the rabbit

A play on another poem i wrote. You can't hurt me anymore, Brandon.
The Spider Jul 17
"All I do is work
Money money money
Getting hoes
Money money money
But i have no money
All i have is sadness"
The Spider Jul 16
Tuesday, July 16th

To my darling ex boyfriend, whom I thought was divine but instead was a divine joke:

It feels like ****** being shot through my addicted veins.
Like I'm on a high and I can't come down.
It feels like I'm flying above the clouds,
Through the stars and into extraterrestrial territory.

It's almost a sick feeling.
So good that I might just throw up from it.
I'm woozy and light headed but I can't help but smile
At the thought of your panic.

I've outed you.
Your secret is known to the public world now.
You've already lost at least one friend,
and now I wonder how you'll feel when you lose more.

You can call me petty if you want to;
cold-hearted, even.
But you should've known never sneak up on a Black Widow.
If you do,

It's clear that you'll be bitten.

-The Spider

Don't mess with spiders.
The Spider Jul 6
I was on the phone with my best friend Blondie,
When she said some words that really shocked me.
She said, though I know she was joking,
"Maybe you need to stay away from people who make you feel like that,
Because it always ends horribly!"

I thought it was silly,
That she could only be kidding.
But then her words rang in my ears
Like bells doing bidding.
Love is supposed to come slow,
Over years and years should it grow.
Maybe this time it will be good.
This time I'll let love's flowers flourish slow
As it should.
Jun 21 · 104
Love's Plight
The Spider Jun 21
What is love but the air we breathe?
What is love but the sun on our backs?
Is it love that drives us humans to be?
Is it love that keeps us on track?

Love is the color of the setting sun;
Blissfully orange, tomorrow's blooming begun.
Love is the taste of a bitter ***;
Down your throat does it's fire run.

Be it love that grieves us so?
Be it love that gives winter's sorrow?
It is love lost, I am told,
That makes the human heart grow cold.

What is love but the darkness of the night?
What is love but heartbreak's plight?
Love is just a waste of time
If I can no longer call you mine.
Jun 2 · 116
Dear Wisco
The Spider Jun 2
The last time i was home,
You wore a blanket of white snow.
You killed your leaves
And the willow trees weeped
For a summer heat from not long ago.
But I remember how your grass smells
In the autumn sun
Or after a warm summer rain.
And I remember how the clouds roll
And how the wind keeps me sane.
It was Christmas when i last came home
And the air was crisp and fresh.
Through whispy clouds the sun had shone,
And your chilly air had pierced my flesh.
But i was not cold standing on the frozen lake,
For i remember your humidity on hot beach days
When i would swim with the pike
Or fly with the gulls
And happiness engulfed my soul.
The last time i was home,
You wore a blanket of white snow.
Your winter beauty will remain permanently in my mind,
But I'll always remember you as a whole.
I don't plan on returning, dear Wisco.
Nothing against you;
I love you more than you know.
But now i think it's time for me to go.
The Spider May 31
It's because I loved you
that I feel like this right now.
Why I feel like gouging my own eyes out;
why I'm shaking anxiously at coffee rush with Kylar.
It's because I realized that I loved you
and you lied to me.
I was nothing if not honest with you about how I felt
and you lied to me.
You deceived me and the told me
I was the one lying.
I settle for the untruth these last 2 and a half months
just so I wouldn't cause you strife.
And now I'm finally angry and feeling
how I am supposed to feel.
You're a piece of ******* garbage.
A lazy dog lying on someone else's bed
mooching off of everyone around you.
I don't see you being an independent adult in the near future.
I hate you.
May 31 · 72
Armchair Travel
The Spider May 31
She's such an ***. She has no respect for anybody.*
It's okay. You can't blame her. I can't imagine the kind of hurt she feels right now.
They talk about me as if they know what I'm thinking.
What I'm feeling.
They have no idea my state of mind,
yet they act like they do.
It's amusing, and

That's the funny thing.
I feel no hurt.
I am perfectly happy.
But the fact that you lied to me,
and that you continue to be a **** to me
is why I don't care about you right now.
If you died right now
I would shrug and move on.
I do not care about you at all.
May 31 · 53
Wholesome Kenny
The Spider May 31
I think out of all the baristas at Coffee Rush,
Kenny is my favorite.
He banters with me playfully,
as he does with everyone.
But even when I am sad or under the weather,
Kenny is there to make me feel better.
With dumb jokes,
or a comforting you'll be okay. We got you.
Kenny is very wholesome
and wants nothing but the best for most people.
Kenny is good.
Be like Kenny.
May 30 · 148
The Spider May 30
Daydreaming all day thinking in future timing
and feeling happy
like a sailboat on a calm ocean
in Malibu, California.
Paying no regard to the rocky bottom;
it can't reach me all the way
on the smooth surface.
The May flowers are finally flowering
after April spent it's time showering
and March covered in snow.
I'm so hopeful.
May 29 · 54
Burnt Oak Tree
The Spider May 29
Today my mind is filled with the smell of
the burnt oak tree on
cranberry road.
The earth around the tree has regrown it's grass
and the dirt no longer smells like
melted metal and plastic.
The air no longer smells like smoke,
yet all my nose smells is the aroma of
burnt flesh.
Of blood and seat leather.
The fire still burns my skin when I think about it.
There's an empty hole in my heart
that he left when he flew through the stars and back
over the moon.
May 19 · 57
The Dream
The Spider May 19
Could it be--
I had seen him before
Engulfed in the blazed sun?
Atop a building
In the summer air with the wind
Blowing through his auburn hair,
Oh, what a dream!
A water colored blur--
Subtle and bright but detailed
By each individual brushstroke.
Oh, what a dream!
What an enchanting light!
May 11 · 969
How Many?
The Spider May 11
How many more children have to die
before we stop believing the lie that
America is safe
and America is great
and that we all live under the rule of a really great guy?
Before all our children don't need to vie
just to survive
going to school and coming out again alive?
Before mental disorders stop being the
brunt end of a joke
and that maybe there might be hope
that those who suffer don't have to walk on a tightrope?
What about when we can start living in harmony?
When we stop judging others and
start shunning dishonorary
acts of violence
acts of hate
and acts of crime before it's to late?
How many more children have to die?
How many?
How many?
How many?
How many???

This is getting ridiculous you guys...
The Spider May 4
When someone gets angry at you
for just being nice,
I wonder how bad they must truly be feeling.
I told him just a simple word of advice:
You shouldn't talk bad about people behind their backs. It's not good.
He got angry at me.

He raved about how I let someone talk crap about him
and said nothing.
Because I know that you're better than that.
Ben is a lost cause.
Why waste my breath on someone who wont hear?

He ranted again.
I wonder how bad he must truly be feeling.
May 2 · 357
Dear Spider
The Spider May 2
Breathing in your second-hand smoke
Feeling your flame on my exoskeleton
Listening to the ashes in your mouth
Inflating my lungs with your truths and your lies
Using what I know to make your skin crawl;
A dear spider
In your garden I haunt you like a ghost
Wha­t I know now.
Dear Spider.
My ex should not spread lies.
Apr 29 · 126
I waited
The Spider Apr 29
I waited to tell her about something important.
I asked her if she knew I would tell her if anything worrying would have happened.
"Yes" she said.
I debated on telling her right then and there.
It had been eating at me since Thursday.
He had been saying worrying things for a few days.
I hadn't engaged in it,
or tried to engage in it either.
I wanted to make sure that it was the right thing to do.
I felt guilty about not telling her.
So I had to.
I don't want to be the one to hurt her this time.
Apr 28 · 75
The Spider Apr 28
It is moments like these
as the sun sets behind the horizon;
be hind the mountains and the clouds
and the city buildings,
that I realized how incredibly luck I am.
I am alive to see the beauty of the pink
orange-yellow and perrywinkle sky.
The way the palm trees cast their shadows
and are silhouetted against the stars.
To be able to make mistakes and learn from them.
Owning up to a mistake is possibly the most mature thing that one can do.
I have made many terrible ones.
And I am owning up to them all.
To right the wrongs,
to better the worse.
I remember when I thought life was simpler
than life truly is.
Sharing cigarettes with Mandie,
walking to Lauber's with Victoria,
sitting on my porch at night and pondering why I am alive.
It was somehow easier than it is right now.
I miss it...
Apr 27 · 116
The Spider Apr 27
Why must you always haunt my dreams?
Apr 27 · 46
it's me, hannah baker
The Spider Apr 27
i wonder about the things people would think
if i suddenly disappeared.
i wonder if it would benefit certain people
but not others.
if my heart suddenly stopped,
who would be so affected that they would grieve?
who wouldn't?
i wonder if i would be able to watch them.
to watch their feelings and their thoughts run through their heads.
"Maybe that's what death is? Forgetting... Being forgotten."
i wish i could erase my memory.
from my mind.
from this earth.
from the lives of people that i have impacted.
High in the halls of the kings who are gone,
jenny would dance with her ghosts...
the ones she had lost and the ones she had found.
the ones who had loved her the most...
ones who'd been gone for so very long,
she couldn't remember their names.
they spun her around on the damp cold stones,
spun away her sorrows and pain..

and she never wanted to leave....
Apr 26 · 31
The Spider Apr 26
I am envious
of all the people I see laughing with their friends.
They all have a connection with each other
be it music
or love
or specific pet peeves that no one else has.
I remember a time when I felt those connections.
I felt connected to the universe.
Like I was sure about where I was and why.
I wish I could turn my ears off.
I wish I didn't have to hear
them laughing
being happy
as I sit here being a miserable little ****.
Apr 26 · 64
The Spider Apr 26

He went on for weeks about how depressed he was.
He told me that he didn't know what was wrong.
He felt the need to cling to me.
He felt like I wasn't being there for him.
He felt like he loved me.

Flash forward to right now.

Are you dating Mariem?

Are you stalking me?

No, but I saw an Instagram post.



Hahaha, wow.


Nothing, I hope you're happy with her.

I am, thank you.

He went on for weeks about how depressed he was.
He went on for weeks telling me he loved me and that he needed me.
If he ever lost me, he would be destroyed.
And yet,
he loves her.
So does that mean he never loved me?

Apr 25 · 27
Lucid Dreaming
The Spider Apr 25
I have always had lucid dreams
I've had dreams that I will never ever forget
about my life
about dead friends
about the future...
I've come to understand nearly all of my
dreams and predictions.
But for some reason,
I just cant seem to ******* understand this one.

I was watching myself watch you. You were sitting on the other side of a window with her and you didn't notice me. You seemed happy. She seemed happy too. She was in a blue tank top with pink earbuds in her ears, and you were both watching something. Smiling, laughing. You saw me, nodded your head and smiled.

I don't ******* understand the significance of this ******* dream, why it was so clear, or what it was about. All I know is that it makes my blood boil. I am not going to miss you. I don't want to miss you. I refuse.
The Spider Apr 24
Are love and hate the same thing?
I think I know enough of hate
to know that it doesn't get one very far.
You can only hate so much
before you drain yourself from exhaustion.

But I think know enough of love
to say about the same.

Sometimes hate leaves people feeling
hot and angry and lastly, empty.
But love does just that too.

When someone you love hurts you,
you still love them,
but you're only angry at them.

Hate makes it really hard to let go
of wrong doings and vengefulness.
People who feel love know that
cutting the rope is just as hard.

The different thing about them though,
is that when you love someone
you would do anything in the world for them.
But when you hate someone,
especially someone you once loved,
the world does not exist anymore.

You would do anything just to see
their joy turn to ashes in their mouths.

I don't love you. You're not bad, but I don't love you. "No I don't love you and I never did."
Apr 23 · 119
The Busy Bee
The Spider Apr 23
A busy bee knows no sorrows.
They fly from flower to flower
collecting the pollen to spread to other foliage.
The little bees are oblivious to the
sorrows around them.
They are too busy to know.
Perhaps I should be more like them?
Apr 23 · 130
It's not always bad
The Spider Apr 23
Some days,
the sun is a little brighter.
Some days,
my heart feels a little lighter.
Some days,
I find myself alone.
Some days,
I find I'm right at home.
Apr 20 · 115
Cold Turkey
The Spider Apr 20
After being an expert at quitting
Many things,
I just can't seem to quit you
Cold turkey.
The Spider Apr 19
Today I went to Coffee Rush.
I got my usual caramel nut latte and sat outside.
I lit a cigarette and eavesdropped on
all the people there with their friends.
I left a while later and headed to the salt river.
I stayed there for several hours
listening to the wind in the trees and the
trout jumping to catch their next meal.
I felt at peace.
The sun was shining on my skin and warming
my heart up.
I was fine
but then you showed up.
I pushed you out of my head as soon as you popped in.
And what do you know?
I felt free.
On my way home, I stopped back at Coffee Rush.
Sat outside, lit my smoke, eavesdropped.
My phone buzzed, and
it surprised me a little bit.
I was fine
until you showed up.
I left the coffee shop in a hurry and sped home.
I felt angry, and then nothing.
Back and forth until it exhausted me.
Now I lay in my bed
feeling nothing
except tired, but not tired enough to sleep.
I was fine until you showed up.

Apr 19 · 198
Reckless Driving
The Spider Apr 19
I gripped my steering wheel so hard
my knuckles turned white.
I blew through the yellow traffic light
just as it turned red.
65 in a 45, speeding faster and faster
dodging the slower cars.
Everything was a blurry mix of light and dark.
That one message sent
me into a frenzied fit of anger and nothingness.
I imagined myself
crashing my car into the light post to my right.
Instead I slowed down,
and turned left into my neighborhood.
I have no one
to confide these thoughts within my mind.
He's on the phone
with her, and I don't care enough about me or anyone
to drive safely anymore.
I guess that's what I get for reckless driving.
out of all the girls i suspected, it was the one i expected least. The little Mormon **** of the Church of Jesus Christ.
Apr 19 · 109
The Spider Apr 19
I sped down Lindsay road going 15 miles over the usual 45.
"I'm still playing, just on the phone. I have my mic turned off now."
I sped even faster.
I felt my eyes glaze over and I saw red.
I never really was one to drive so carelessly,
but when he said that in the discord chat,
I felt cold.
Apr 17 · 60
April 17th. 11:35 Am
The Spider Apr 17
Im waiting for him at coffee rush. He's probably finally going to tell me all of his feelings. It's going to be exactly what I don't want to hear. I know it is. I can feel it. It smells like earth worms outside today. Today will be the day that my life changes I think. To another course. Maybe forever. I don't know if I am ready for such a change. I don't think I want it to.

When he got there, I was smoking a cigarette. He asked me if I had smoked at all while we were together. I told him the honest truth, that I hadn't and that I was only doing it to feel something familiar. We talked about our days and our plans for the day. He's hanging out with Mariem later, and I'll be where? Home? I don't think I want to stay "home." Anyways. Then came the part I've been dying to hear. He told me he's been thinking about it a lot. It was "hard to NOT think about it." His decision was as follows:

"I talked to my mom, dad, and Austin. I haven't talked to Nick yet... But anyway, I don't think that it's in my best interest to date you again. They think so too. There's a fear of getting hurt again, but there's also the positive hope that I wont and that's something to possibly look forward to, but right now it's just not my best interest. I don't feel like I love you, so... And if we're meant to be together, then it will happen, but I don't want to give you more false hope."

We had a little more awkward conversation, and he kept looking at me funny. I knew he was going to say exactly that thing. I am not angry, nor am I heartbroken. I love him. I will always, probably. I am only a little sad. More so fearful of the lonely world I have just entered. For some reason, I am perfectly calm. I don't think it's going to be alright, but I think I just fell too far down the black hole to care anymore. I blocked him on social media and everywhere. The only thing I haven't blocked is his phone number. If he truly needs to talk to me, he'll just have to text me instead. Again, I am not mad at him. Not upset. I just think I don't feel anything. I swallowed everything I was feeling at Coffee Rush. I locked it up and put it back in a dusty old box, and shoved it on the highest unreachable shelf.

"I'm letting my one tear escape! There it is, haha!" I told him. I told him I was weirdly happy but in all truth, the remaining ruins of my old walls have been rebuilt in a matter of an hour. I hope he sees this. I hope he understands. But then again, why would I waste my time on hopes when they never come true.

"Stop wishing, and just accept it." A stranger said that to me once. I'll swallow the pill without a grimace or a thought and just accept it.
Apr 17 · 48
The Spider Apr 17
I'm going to ******* run away tomorrow.
I'm going up north. Somewhere where only one person could find me.
And even HE proabably won't remember how to get there.
I need the ******* space.
I need to clear my head.
I need to not be surrounded by things that make me angry.
Like mariem
Or my lack of friends
Or brandon
Or the fact that my only friends never talk to me
Apr 17 · 262
April 16th 2019
The Spider Apr 17
Around 930 AM.

My favorite barista is working today. His name is Zach. I was going to write about how badly i feel. I thought it was going to last because I got a positive feeling. It went away though. It was ruined by this ******* song. Now i can't stop imagining him with other people. Would my life be different if i never met him? I wonder where he would be and where i would be. Maybe the same place? Maybe not. Maybe I'd be worse off than i am now. Maybe he would've been better with Jessica. Or anyone else he would have met. I guess he missed a lot of better opportunities. It's easier to assume he doesn't care. If i convince myself that he hates me, maybe it'll be easier to control my feelings.

This is my life now and I ******* hate it. He just asked me to bring his xbox by. To drive all the ******* way back to my house and BACK AGAIN to his house. (Not to mention he BLEW ME OFF LATER IN THE DAY TO HANG OUT WITH MARIEM BUT WHATEVER).

Sometime before 10 pm

I am fuming tonight. How can he know everything that I'm feeling but keep me in the dark and not even try to tell me what he's feeling? How can he expect me to be perfect right off the bat? Does he???? I wonder if he expects me not to slip up. I wonder if his first immediate thought when I'm in a bad mood now is "has she really been trying to change?" The answer is yes, i have been. I've made a bigger effort now than i have ever made.

Space between paragraphs are breaks in my thoughts. I was raging out for the past few minutes. Silently fuming in my bedroom about that little mormon **** and the fact that he's with her right now. I probably shouldn't have written that about her just now. It was said out of anger, and anger makes people do unfortunate things sometimes. I think I just need to stop hanging onto the things that **** me off. Like the fact that at the end of the day, I'm only an afterthought to him. Or that he'd rather talk to anyone except me. Or that he's just too busy to care about me. I have to remember that "it's just not apparent right now." Maybe I just shouldn't care. It seems like that's exactly what he's doing. I could be wrong. I probably am. But he also doesn't seem to care about it enough to think about it like I do. I wish I was as gentle a soul as Little Latter Day Saint. Maybe then I'd be his type, and he'd take the time to think about it, but instead I'm just something to **** right now.

I'm getting angry again. I think I'll leave for now.
Apr 16 · 40
The Spider Apr 16
There are many reasons why flowers make good gifts.
Orchids for your mother on Mother's Day
as a reminder that you never forgot that they're her favorite.
Lilies and Tulips for your grandma
because she's always loved the sweet smell.
Once I picked some of my favorite purple and yellow wildflowers
for a little bird  I had to bury.
I picked them because they symbolized the wildness of the bird.
I used to walk down south road and pick the honeysuckle
and the bee balm and place them at the ancient cemetery
to give my respect to the soldiers who lay there.
There are many reasons why flowers make good gifts.
Love and thoughtfulness,
But there is one reason why it isn't.
Much like everything else, nothing good ever lasts.
Apr 15 · 84
April 14th, 9:00 AM
The Spider Apr 15
I'm going to take the time today to think about the things that I like about him. From physical assets to his personality traits. I'm really going to think about it. I'm going to put my phone on airplane mode today. (Gotta have that handy dandy lowes app).

A forethought: If we got back together, I never have thought about the things that I would change sexually for him. I never gave him head enough, and I know he likes it a lot. I'll do it more often on the chance that we'll get back together someday.

Back to the things I like about him. I guess I'll start off with physical.

Its hard to know where to start.
He has almond shaped eyes with long spidery lashes. Sometimes I get lost in their deep cappuccino color. They make me blush. (I blushed tonight when I looked into them before he kissed me). I especially love it when he wears light blue. It makes them pop. He has a strong face. High cheekbones and a wide jaw and strong chin. God he's so ******* handsome. And his skin on his face is textured, but I love it because I think it's unique specifically to him. I think that his smile, though, is something that will warm me up every time I see it. His real smile. It reaches across his whole face, and up to his eyes where they crinkle at the corners. What did Hunny call it? A 'John Denver' smile, because it lights up the room. She's right. I can't help but smile when he smiles.

It's late now. 10:32 PM. A while ago, I got back from brandon's house. We had ***. Rough, amazing ***. Maybe a little passionate too. We both wanted it pretty badly. We both wanted to get our feelings out. He said he didn't really get any out, but I know I did. At the end, when he finished, it took me all I had not to cry. All of my bad feelings left me when I orgasmed. I thought I would be left feeling empty like I normally did when I used *** as my #1 outlet. I wasn't. Everything I had ever known about being happy was what I was left with. I wanted to cuddle up on his chest like I normally do, but I didn't because I knew he didn't want that. I don't even think he wanted me to stay for as long as I did. I wanted to snuggle with him as a way of silently saying "I love you" to him without actually saying it. But I didn't because he would have been uncomfortable. I liked the way he kissed me. He started off gently. Maybe passionately too? I don't know. They weren't just empty kisses. They had feelings behind them, I just don't know what they were. I wish he would have elaborated more on the feelings he let out. Maybe he'll think about them tomorrow. Maybe he'll tell me if he wants to. He made a comment about me being bi. He said "Oh, so you wouldn't date me if I was a woman?" He said it to be funny, but that's not why I remember it. He made it seem like... I don't know. He used the wrong tense, I guess. Like we're still together, even though I know that he didn't think that. He didn't mean that. (For the record, I would still date him either way). I don't know. I don't know anything except that giving him up was by far the biggest regret of my entire life thus far. I've done many regrettable things, but this one takes first place. But for now, not having me around that much seems to put him in a better mood, and whatever makes him happy is something that I will do.

I have to sleep now. I'm so tired.

If you read this, I love you.
Apr 13 · 65
April 13th 9:15 AM
The Spider Apr 13
He's ignoring me now. I guess I deserve it. I wish I had the guts to block him so that im not tempted to text him or snap him. SO he could live his life now and be happy without interference from me. I wish I knew how to explain why I did what I did, why I broke up with him, in a way that he would understand. I wish he understood my feelings. Or made an effort to. But it's not reasonable for me to ask that of him. Maybe it was unreasonable to ask him to talk to me when I had no one last night. Not one of my closest "friends" answered my call. not one. I was alone and scared. And not a single person answered. I called every person that I thought I could count on. Bobby, Carolyn, Victoria, Luke... I even texted Mark and asked him to wake her up for me. I guess I know now.

I'm pretty sure he hates me. If not, then I know he strongly dislikes me. I feel burnt out today. I don't want to try today. No matter what I do, it won't make a lick of difference to him. I could become exactly who he wanted me to be, and still he'd whisper "too bad." I could become the nicest person in the world and still he'd say "too bad." You haven't got a clue what it felt like to hear him say "Well Mariem is being to me right now what I wish you were to me a month ago." And what's that? Stable? Perfect? She's perfect isn't she? A perfect little Mormon girl for him to be friends with. I wonder if he can hear the jealousy dripping off my pen. I wonder if he can hear me ******* it back into my body because I don't want to be jealous of someone I don't know. There's no point in being jealous. It's a vile and destructive disease.

I want to go home. I don't want to be anywhere where there's a reminder of him today. I don't want to love someone who I know hates me. Ive been in this situation with Mark. I loved him, and he hated me and I ruined myself loving someone who didn't love me back. I feel exactly how I felt four years ago. I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me. It ruined me. It will again. It will.
Apr 13 · 49
April 12th 9:50 pm
The Spider Apr 13
I turned off my phone for an hour. I took down my pictures of him on my walls. They're in the top drawer of my tall dresser. I haven't turned my phone back on yet. I don't want to see if hes answered me. If theyre going to be what I think they'll be then I don't want to see them. He's got a rope around the last piece of my heart I was willing to give out to someone. I don't want to let it go yet. I think I have to soon, though. I just want to hang on to the last bits of good feeling I have before he yanks it away from me to keep forever. I didn't feel human when I met him. I don't want to feel inhuman again. I think im going to no matter the odds. Im turning my phone back on now. wish me luck.

It's 10:02 pm. I haven't opened up my phone yet. There's a single message from him waiting to be seen. I'm scared.

here I go

It wasn't as bad as I expected. But he didn't answer all my questions. Though, I did bombard him with a lot of them, so.

I thought I wanted to remember, but now I just want to forget.

I feel like i'm in a dream. A nightmare that I can't wake up from. I'm going for a walk. I need to leave.
The Spider Apr 12
I sent him the HP link and told him it explained itself. He says he "probably will" check it every so often. He obviously isn't obligated to, so I don't know why I feel bitter right now. I have to remember that he is trying. And he doesn't even have to do that. But he's doing it because he cares. He cares. It doesn't appear evident to me sometimes, but I think I just had a revelation that he does. He told me if he didn't he would have blocked me and ghosted me out. For some reason, I didn't believe him, but I know now that I was wrong not to trust his word. He wouldn't put in the effort if he didn't. I'm forcing myself to trust him. I'm trying to now. Yes, I know. Too late. But in the time being, I have to trust that he's doing exactly what he says he's doing, because that's all he's ever done. I didn't trust him because I never trust anybody. Been stabbed in the back too many times. I thought maybe living in distrust would mean that I didn't have to feel the pain when someone tried to stab me in the back, but I was wrong. My heart just started to beat extremely fast. I thought I just saw him at coffee rush. It was only someone who carried themselves in the same way as he. That, and the messy brown hair. I have to get used to being alone again. Maybe while I have time to think and now know I have the strength to get better, I'll figure out why I didn't before. I think I'll write down what i'd say to him if I had to say good by for real. Hopefully I will never have to do that, but just in case... It will solidify the things I want to remember.

Maybe I don't want to do that just yet. I'm still trying to make up for what I've done. I also don't want to tell a goodbye tale yet. I don't want to write about it yet. Instead I'll write of the things I want to remember and have been remembering.

I remember when we first met, and my general annoyance at him for not leaving me alone. But I also couldn't keep my own gaze from him. He was just so perfectly handsome.
--I just thought about how he thought I was so beautiful. If he ever saw me bare again, I think he'd think I am ****. I've never been particularly attractive anyway. I feel like every time he sees me now, he can only think of how **** I am. But then again, maybe I just think I'm **** and I'm projecting what I think onto his persona.--
I remember swimming in my pool and feeling a little jealous of the way he talked about Jessica. I also remember how indescribably awesome it felt to be so close to him. I remember our first kiss, and how delicious and delicate it was. How much my heart leapt with love for him in that moment. Being so embarrassed for saying "I love you" too soon in my eyes, but being relieved when he said it back. I remember our first fight and getting through it because we loved each other.
--maybe that's why it seems like it'll be too hard for us to get through this and make it out together. Maybe he doesn't really love me that much anymore. That can't be true. It might be... I have to give him time to get over what happened the other night. When he get's over it, maybe it will come back. I have to remember that what I did was very hurtful to him in his fragile state. It will take him a long while, I imagine. Maybe for me to put it in perspective, I have to make a scenario up to imagine how he feels. How he feels now is probably how I would feel if he kissed someone else. I would be enraged. Maybe the anger and hurt he feels overpowers any love he has, and any ability he has to forgive me. For right now.--

Jack said something to me last night about people who forgive each other. For example, me and Jack. I told jack I wasn't sure if he would ever forgive me. Jack said to "look at us. We hurt each other immensely and we still forgave each other." Jack is one of my best friends now, and I love him very much. Maybe that's how it will work out with me and B.
(I'm going to refer to him as "B" because it hurts to think or say or write his name).

I'm in a significantly better mood now.

The Spider Apr 11
Thursday, April 11th, 2019.

I have to stop getting my hopes up. Every sliver of attention that he shows me sends me into a whirl of happiness and excitement; until I remember his words that play over and over in my mind like a broken record. "If they're there, they're not apparent. I just don't see you like that right now. The rest of that conversation is muddled. Instead of the cold and numb feeling I'm used to getting when I hear things like that, my face flushes, I sweat, and I want to *****. I get so hot. I'm sure it's because he's the only person on this earth that I care about. Thinking about other people and whether or not I care about them makes me cringe, and I would drop them off the face of the planet if it made him happy. But after his words replay for the hundredth time, I am left spiraling down. In a burning house filled with anxiety-ridden smoke that I inhale like oxygen. I shake, and the reality of how truly alone I am right now hits me. I don't get angry, and I don't feel "nothing," but I have an unpleasant and indescribable feeling for the rest of the day. Right now, I am in the process of the downward spiral. I'm thinking of whether or not I should leave my phone at home or take it to work. I'm sure it would only worsen my anxiety at work. I think it's the biggest reason why I'm panicking right now. I constantly check it for messages from him, and when there is none like I expected, I'm sent further into flight mode. It's happened a couple times at work, and then I'm driven to impulsively message him when all he wants is for me to leave him alone. I'm not furthering my chances with him when I do that. In fact, he's clarified that it weakens them. I think I'll send him my HP link and that's how he can check my thoughts or check in. I'm spineless, I know, but I'm going to try as hard as I can not to message him first or worry about him and what he's doing. I'd like him to come to me first so that I know I'm not bothering him or annoying him. (Even with our snapstreaks, I'd like him to send it first. I know that sounds dumb but still). I asked him if he wanted me to take him to get his hair cut. Then I thought about his green bag. How I ask him if he has everything before we leave to go somewhere. That boy from work came over last week, and before he left, I asked him the very same thing out of habit. It was strange and I hated it. In truth, I strongly dislike that boy. I hate everything about him. I don't ever want to think of that boy again. Or anyone else for that matter aside from the one person I actually genuinely like. Anyway, I fear that I'll never have to ask that question as often as I do again. I just crashed onto the floor of my burning house. I'm going to leave my phone here. If not, in my car when I get to work. I don't want to ruin my 0.002% chance of talking to the only person I can tolerate later. Instead, I'm bringing my journal with me. If I have thoughts, I'm going to write them down and document them on my HP page so if he wants to access them, he can have them. (Though, I'm not sure why he would want them anyway). Maybe reading what I'm thinking every now and again will be good for him. Maybe not..
Mar 8 · 119
As A Friend: Part 2
The Spider Mar 8
a fish in a tank getting scared by vibration,
but it's just a dream.

he is not that person anymore;
she smiles.
she remembers what it was like to belong to him,

but she remembers so much else now;
her brain is a happy butterfly.

the sunlight through the trees pierce his mint green eyes.
snow falls around them
but she is warm.

damp grass sticks to her legs
in the warm Wisconsin spring.

he giggles at the imprint it leaves.
she smiles mischievously and finds her prey;
she throws a worm at him.

smiles and laughter warm like embers of a fire.
she remember that she used to love him.

like cats and mice she hated him,
for a long time.
he was the pesticide to her beloved spiders entangled in webs.

he lingered and she hated it.
but not anymore.

she still loves him, but as old friends love each other.
a familiar kind of feeling;
reminiscent of a happier time and better places.

like George Webber in new York;
homesick, but content.
For Mark again. As a friend.
Mar 8 · 331
As A Friend: Part 1
The Spider Mar 8
sunshine lands lightly on her eyelids,
sparks of orange and yellow
glide across her eyes.

image like a kaleidoscope
colorful and interesting, hard to resist.

a child playing in the front yard
on a summer's day
and laughter fills the air.

she is at peace when she feels the grass
under her feet.

a comforting blanket that she once had
ripped to shreds and sewn
back together again;

a flame in the darkness,
a star on Orion's Belt.

all she feels is the heat of serenity in knowing
that it might be okay now
and the sun has started to peak over the horizon,

covering her skin and
giving her the closure she needed.
For Mark Schmidt, if ever he sees this.
Mar 7 · 250
Now and then...
The Spider Mar 7
Sometimes I'm a little jumpy
when you go to touch my body.
While I know you'll never hurt me,
I always wonder
if you might.

You were always so upset
for reasons I still don't know.
I did my best for you and gave you
all I had to offer.
You still hurt me.

It's not your fault that the memory
of stone fists is forever
burned into my brain.
It's not your fault that I chose
that path four years ago.

You came on to me like a
Hummingbird to honeysuckle.
You ****** me dry and you left me to die alone.
I forgive you, but sometimes...
It still really hurts.

I'm really jumpy when you go to touch my body.
I can see the wonder in your eyes;
I see the questions.
I'll answer them as soon as the woe leaves me.
I love you.

You, too.

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