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The Nine Doubts Jun 2020
You don't have to love me anymore
But I'll always love you
You'll always have someone there
A wide open pair of sliced-up arms

I used to dream of you laying on my chest
Now all that lays there is razor marks
I almost don't mind if they scar;
They can represent my pain like a crest

I'll never be able to hear of your country
Not even see the southern cross
Without remembering your eyes
I'm so broken, I can't find it in me to cut ties

And so as you move on with life
I hope you know I still wish you the best
And I know you don't believe me, but I'll be here
Dragging the next blade across my chest

I know you'll be happy
And one day, I pray I can be too
But until then
Australia still makes me think of you
She doesn't love me anymore. She loves someone else. I want her to be happy. I hope she is, that's all I want. I don't believe I'll ever be, but I care about her enough to pray to a god I don't believe in that she'll be happy.

Whatever this is isn't organized, I apologize for that. It's not even poetry, it's just lines of words. I'm sorry...
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
My head is my own worst enemy
My words are like a crown of barbed wire
You won’t get inside to see my thoughts
“You wear a crown made out of barbed wire...”
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
When you wake up and see a message from me, do you cringe?

Because sometimes I feel some sense of guilt, but just a twinge

I should just leave you alone and continue watching that TV show you asked me to binge

Besides, the picture of you in my mind already thinks that I'm unhinged
————————

Why do I feel jealous? You were never mine in the first place

Sometimes I feel like I have to compete for your attention; what do I think this is, some type of race?
————————
I want to make myself believe that you care about me as I care about you

Those are all mind games though, I can't guarantee that's true

My attachment to you wasn't intentional, it was like an invasive ****—it simply grew

I still can't believe this all started over me liking a picture you drew
————————
Every message from you is like a shot of drugs straight to my brain; it's as if you pumped it into my veins with a syringe

But every word I send makes me feel guilt, still just a twinge

I guess I'll get back to watching that TV show you asked me to binge

All the while I'll repeat the question in my head: when you wake up and see a message from me, do you cringe?
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
The loneliness is crushing when you're not around
It feels like my chest is tied down and bound
Your absence makes my head feel like a merry go round
I miss you so much. I feel so needy—I just wish you knew how much I hate when you're not near me. I love you.
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
I've always wondered how you see me
It doesn't really matter, my brain is convinced you hate me
I must be like a parasite — a flea.
Still I'll beg you again, please don't leave me
I've tried for so long to make them see that they mean the world to me. They don't care, they can't stand me.
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
Oh, I think I spoke too much again
The words flew and my mind didn't keep pace
You don't need to hear that, you don't need to fix my problems
It doesn't matter, it's far too late; now my heart starts to race

You must see me as a fool
After all, I'm not much more than the product of my errors
I care so much about you, but all I do is mess things up
When did I start to shake? Suddenly I notice the building terror

You know so much about me
I've never shared some of the things you've heard
Yet for some reason you still accept me, still waste your time on me
One side of my brain insists you hate me, the other says that's absurd

Every time we talk, I wonder if it'll be the last
Eventually you'll realize that I'm not worth the words that roll off your tongue
You'll leave and never look back; I'm no good for you, I know that
Besides, sometimes I'm just too high-strung

I'm possessive and too obsessive
You're relaxed and laid back
While I panic you kick your feet up and settle in
I wish I was different; why can't I stop feeling like I lack?

When I pour out my heart, does it touch yours?
You don't even know that I've cried at the thought of losing you
I just want to know your heart like I know mine
Maybe then I'd see that you care about me too

I'm way too naive, I own that
I need constant reassurance, I know that
You'll find someone better than me, I guarantee that
One day you'll forget me, I fear that

Can you hear me cry out?
I'm begging for a promise
Not for this to last forever, not for anything long-term
Only that you don't leave me hurting when it's over

Now that your name has gone dark I'm left wondering
Will we ever speak again? I don't want to lose you, you're like a four-leaved clover
I can't sleep, my words linger in my head; did I mess it all up?
Next time, can we start over? Before it's over?

Can we start over?
First time poet. Just trying to vent some pent up emotions, not much to see here. I don't have any experience in poetry but I had to put this somewhere. I don't know if I'll post often, but any tips that might help me improve my writing are welcomed.
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
I hate that there is always a question mark
What will the future hold? One day, will it all turn dark?
The thoughts in my head cause so much fear — like a circling shark
I'm still so afraid of losing you. I know we've come upon better times, I know we're the happiest we've ever been, but I'm still so terrified of losing you. I just wish I could break down and tell you how much I love you — I do love you. So, so much. I love you.
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
I wish you knew that the thought of being replaced makes me shake
There are so many others who you'd be way more interested in
It's okay, you can go... I'll be here, working through the heartache.


please don't go, i need you. i'll do anything...
She gets messages from so many people who are better at conversations, better at not being awkward, better at showing their emotions, better at making her interested... She has no reason to talk to me anymore... I wish I could tell her how afraid I am of her finding someone better. I hope she knows...
Tea
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
Tea
I guess I'll go make a cup of tea
Because sometimes it feels like
You have time for all of them, but not for me
I'll be here waiting for you to see my messages.
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
I’m still fighting the fear of losing you
You should know that everything I feel is true
How we got here, I haven’t a clue
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
It's been 60 days
I'm finally beginning to feel comfortable with you
Sometimes it all feels like a daydream haze
I can't help but continue to wonder if you care about me too

It's okay though, everything is fine
Maybe things will change with time
We don't need to rush things, it's not like this is a crime
I don't understand it all yet, but our friendship is in it's prime

I don't want to ruin this, not this time.
Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for being my rock, my lantern, my shelter. Thank you for being there for me. I wish I could make it up to you, I wish I could show you all my poetry. I wish I could show you how much you matter to me.
The Nine Doubts Sep 2019
Sometimes I think about all the moments where I could’ve never met you. It hurts my heart to think I could’ve missed out on you. It makes me cry.

— The End —