I cannot change it
I cannot change the past
Reliving memories keeps me up at night
It's hard enough as it is
Rewriting them only adds to the pain
So many things I said and did
And so many I didn't say or do
But why
Why after all this time
Can I not stick it in my head
That I cannot change the past
And why
Why can't I believe myself
When I say that
I can only change the future

Hold my face and tell me you love me
Grab me with the palms of your hands
Look me in the eyes
Whisper your love
Melt me with your words of promises

I want to cry
It seems a foolish concept
But one that I long for
To cry feels so human
So why can I not cry?
It feels like an inside joke,
to cry that is
A joke that no one has cared
to familiarize me with

I have not cried in so long
It has become empty
Not feeling that lump in my throat
Making it hard to swallow
I can hardly remember
The sensations that come with it
Skin growing red and splotchy
Heat
Warm tears running down
Heat

I think to myself
'If only I can cry'
I plead
'Then everything will come back'
I no longer care what will make me cry
Pain, sadness, happiness
I just need enough emotions
So I will wait
And wait
Until something comes along
And teaches me to cry again

To sleep now would be acceptance of defeat
So I will lay awake 'til morning comes
Lay awake 'til mourning passes

The wind outside makes a beat
Lovely music to my ears
But the pulsing on the window makes me shiver

A good nights sleep is quite a treat
One that I have not had for years
But one that I hope to have again

I need to feel another body's heat
To lull me to a deep, deep sleep
Someone to ward off the nightmares
To ward off the thoughts