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  Nov 12 TTagain
Ahmad Attr
His eyes were on my paper
Sitting behind me, in the exam hall
Repositioning myself to his silent calls
How did I become brave as a brass
But the way he said my name
I could have done it all

Yellow leather jacket
In winter’s misty morning
He walked towards me
To hold my tiny freezing hand
He was mine
Before I knew I could’ve had him

I was his pen and he was my shield
In the canteen, in the class
He beat my bullies on the grass
He saved me from being a play ball
The way I said his name
He could’ve done it all

Hair slicked back
He was little gangster
A little slow learner, always a prankster
He fought with the elders, I was his shelter
He had a questionable young life
But I was his answer

The way he said my name
I did it all
The way I said his name
He did it all
The way we said each other’s name
Oh it was love
Before we knew what it was
  Nov 6 TTagain
Ahmad Attr
The sun was a little tilted that eve
In the tall yellow sunflower fields
His brunette head drowned
He yelled at me, not knowing my name
Lost in his town
Day 1 in this alien city and I lost my way home
From a distant candy shop
Not knowing what to do,
I followed his frisky voice into the field
And I saw his face
Chai colored, young as mine
Hazel brows, Honey eyes
Peachy lips, smooth and fine
A face that is meant to be painted
He asked me things
I answered briskly
Every word of his mouth stirred up the ocean in me
He made me forget about the lump in my throat
Now I was lost in this uneasy ocean on his boat
He took me to the hem of the meadows
The setting sun painted his face with gold
I could see the small silk fibers shining
On his face, on his arms
Noticing my rising frown in the dark,
He held my hand and ferried me to his house
Day 1 in this alien city,
Sitting in a stranger’s house
What was it that made me stay?

He said
‘’do you love video games?’’
I was entertained
by the shifting pixels on the screen
I forgot home as I got lost
In his laughs, in his shouts, in his profanity
His unbridled stories
About his street fights
His father in abattoir
And his collection of RC cars

I was still lost
When his father took me to my worried family
That night I stayed awake with my ruddy face
I couldn’t stop thinking
About when he repeated my name
It sounded strange on his boyish grin
I laid supine all night
My eyes got heavy in the sockets
His fine skin on his rugged fingers
His cool voice out of his warm mouth
My mind fought wars to keep me awake
Dancing in the ballroom of his thoughts
But I chose to dream of him

I woke up to sun at the zenith
Day 2 in this city known for its sweet clementine
I wondered sour in the rented house, passing the time
Whistling of the tea pots
Scratching of the crayons
Talking of the lands and plots
I made my way out to get lost again
From sycamore floors to the grass outdoors
Away from the heart and into the veins of this city again
I retraced every step
His voice ringing in my head
Until it resonated with his yell
Draw-string shorts, with polka dots
And a loose flopping white tank-top
We walked to the golden field again
Talking about the things
That the 12 years on Earth had taught us
The now-failed dreams,
Favorite cartoons, games and Ice-creams
He showed me his colorful bruises
One he got from a fishing hook
One he got from a dog bite
One he got from tree fall while stealing clementine
I had none to show, but a birthmark
I lifted my trouser up to my thigh
To show the unusual pink
He unblushingly touched it
Pressing his hard fingers deep in the soft skin
Soon the sun hung at our eye level
In the spotlight of hundreds of sunflowers
We parted our eyes from each other’s
To let the setting star disappear before our eyes

He walked me back to my home
I didn’t look back
but I knew he kept watching me leave,
Walk inside the ajar door
Day 2 in this alien city
Running from the house
What made me do it?

The girl in the TV shouted
‘’Do you love me?’’
I was bored
The melodramatic soap operas
Telephones ringing
screeching children
Back to this mundane vacation
I sat frowning all night
Their voices burning over me
‘’Eat the supper’’
‘’At least enjoy a little bit’’
‘’We’ll be leaving tomorrow’’
‘’Spent some time with us’’
Until the sentence reverberated
‘’We’ll be leaving tomorrow?’’
I laid supine all night
My eyes got heavy in the sockets
I should’ve turned around
I thought,
I should’ve said goodbye
Or waved my hand, or smiled
I knew I couldn’t fight my underpowered body
So I slept, dreamless
And restless I awoke to dry breakfast
Hurrying footsteps
Packing of bags
And revving of the engine
Day 3 in this ephemeral city
the time was galloping faster and faster
And before I knew it,
I was stuffed in the backseat of the car
Moving, pressing against the asphalt
I kept looking outside the window
Thinking ‘’maybe, just maybe..’’
And there he was
Holding his stupid little RC car
In front of the golden field
Both of us waved at each other
His hay colored hair swayed in the wind
With his careless alluring grin
I saw him slowly fading
I kept looking back at him
And he kept watching me leave

Looking back at that miraculous day
In such Jocund company,
The poet could not but be gay
I know this is long but it's one of my favourite pieces I've ever written
  Oct 21 TTagain
Ahmad Attr
I used to love train stations
They gave me the perfect situations
To think about you
Now it’s the exact reason I hate them
I just sit in the corner-most bench
And your thought drops like the first drop of  the rain
Then it is all a downpour from there
I get so lost in you
That I end up staring at my own reflection in my glasses
I try to diffuse it all
By focusing on the crows, the crowds and the cars
But they lead me back to you again
You’re loud like these black birds
I see your face in these crowds
And the cars remind me of your obsession with them
It hurts just to think about you
I check the time again and again
One more station
Till the arrival of my train
So I can escape from here

I used to love trains
They gave me the perfect realm
To think about you
Now it’s the exact reason I hate them
I just sit in the corner-most seat
And your thought drops in as the train starts moving on the track
It harmonizes with the click-click-clacks
I get so lost in you
That I end up staring at my own reflection in the window
I try to succumb to sleep
By listening to songs, with melodies come memories
But they lead me back to you again
Almost like all the songs in the world are about you
You’re my love and my anguish, my inside and out
My first, and my last, like I have turned into nothing but you
It hurts just to think about you
I check the time again and again
One more station
Till I’m home
So maybe I can escape from you

Just maybe…
  Oct 7 TTagain
Ahmad Attr
I lost a piece of myself, when you were taken from me
A piece never known, never understood
But you became a memory
A memory so ambrosial that it can triumph over
Millions of hyacinths and jasmines

I can still remember the warmth of your hand
As you held mine, inside the bakery
And I pointed my fingers towards the colorful wrappers
And the rough patchy skin of the letters where I poured the ink
Clamoring for plastic figurines

I can still trace your face
From the coffee brown polaroid
And the static of the VCR
To you who rests in heaven where the nobles are
I can still smell you
Your foreign perfumes
And the chemicals that they injected in your body
In the ever-shifting hospital rooms
I remember throwing blankets over your jet-lagged body

The little ephemeral stays
The little wait outside of the school
In the river with fish in your hands
And candies from faraway land
I remember them all
But I don’t remember you much
Just the tumors
And what they did to you
What they did to us

And now that you sit amongst the angels
And the birds of paradise
Underneath the ivory trees
And the prismatic skies
Beside the honey rivers running free
Just come visit me once more in my dreams
Return back to me, because you were taken from me
I thought I was everything
and nothing all at once.
This world all spinning
To the direction of my blazing trails.

But I was a fool
I was always a fool to think so.
I let my blood run cold into the depths
of every body of water I could drown in.

And I thought it would be enough
I ran this world clutched under my fingertips
I believed I was above it all
And above every felony I could commit most of all.

But I believed in things
When I couldn't believe in myself
"The ends justify the means."
As I thought myself worthy of giving judgement.

But everything that goes around comes around
For who was I to call upon judgement
No mercy and no worth
All  under the guise of a wrathful and unforgiving God.

But I stand here before you now
Before the court, the jury, and the Gods
To sentence me now, a false prophet
For I once believed I was everything and nothing all at once.

I confess all my sins
And admit that I was a fool
I was a fool to think I could change something
That there was a meaning to everything I've done.

So lock me away
From everything I have ever hold dear
For nothing will be enough
To erase all my faults.

But isn't it punishment enough
That I've lost all I had?
Watched good men fall to dust.
And saw empires of what I've built collapse and rot?

I suppose it never ends
After all we carry all our atrocities
Even in death and rebirth
Forgiveness was never an option.

So maybe I'll just raise hell on this ******* earth every chance you allow me to.

s p i t e
  Aug 31 TTagain
Ahmad Attr
I couldn’t be the hero of my own life
So I’ll become the villain of yours
I’ll chase you down to your so-called California
I’ll hunt you down to mounts and shores
I’ll make this my life’s mission
To make your life as miserable as possible

For all this time I thought
'You don’t deserve me
You deserve so much more'
But now I realize, now I know
You deserve me
Not as a lover but as a retribution

When I loved you, I never thought I could love this much
My love sprouted and spread like willow
But now you’ve burned it
I hate you like fire devours, never thought I could hate this much
Why do you hurt?
Why do you hurt this much?

Look at all these terrible things I’ve done
You’ve made me a criminal

For all this time I thought
I don’t deserve you
I deserve someone lesser
But now I realize, I know
I deserve you
Not as a lover but as a retribution

Two lost entities colliding again and again
We’re nothing but each other’s Karma
  Aug 25 TTagain
Ahmad Attr
You carried me with you
Through all these dark roads in your life
I was like slave you bought from the ****** streets
I had so much power but my chains were in your hands

The only thing I ever knew
Was that I had to live for you
And I did, I carried you on my back
I let you lie underneath the shades
As I looked the sun in the eye
I let you feast on my flesh
When you were hungry

Days and nights spiraled
I looked after you
Held you, caressed you
You ordered, I obeyed
I was nothing but my master’s slave
And I never resented it
I found a strange pleasure in being used
Just as long as in these labyrinthine paths
You let me walk behind you

There were times when you were surprisingly kind
You uttered words to me that meant the world to me
Even though I knew you were just whipping me
A new found rush in me to come and help you
You were reminding me of what I am supposed to do
And I knew, all of it, everything

I had all the power to let myself go
But I didn’t, I stayed
And it kept on
You ordered, I obeyed
But in those times when you are safe
I find the world to be such a lonely place
You don’t talk, and just keep on
Walking and pulling me by the neck
My master, my archer
Walking through these towns and villages
I have a desire to let go of you

When I need you, I howl for you
When I get hurt, when I am troubled
You just look at me
I shout for you to come near me
And you do but you just sit
And listen me screech
All the pain, I just keep on telling
In the end you say, ‘’I will always be there for you’’
Maybe that’s more of a curse then a blessing
you order and I obey but for how long?
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