Funny
They can tell
When my
liver's working too hard
But they can't tell
When I'm on
Drugs

Funny
They accuse
me
of mischief
and mayhem
but they don't know I'm high
till I tell them

When they ask me why I came
I'll tell them
Cause my heart was hurting

And if it's hurting here
It might as well hurt
Somewhere else, right?

Love, don't tell me I can't
Cause I can
In my lowest moments
I'm 100% sure
Love, don't tell me I can't
Because
I can do anything

Of all the things we're not sure about
Confused about
Indecisive about
Of all the things we don't know about
This isn't one of those things

So love,
Don't tell me I can't
Cause I can
I can do anything

This is the part of life
Where you put bricks on the past
so you can't look back
And whatever's underneath will die
This is the part of life
Where you're waiting for time to pass
Enough time
To layer on
Enough bricks
To smother
Enough roots
Of the part of you you don't want
Anymore
I don't remember what I'm burying
But I've stopped asking myself
Because forgetting
is erasure
Forgetting
makes it easier to forgive
because no one ever did anything wrong
in the first place
Not even you
Laying down bricks with love
A foundation
To build the rest of your life
On bricks
Burying what?
I don't remember
Good.

You want to introduce us
to a house of gold
But gold was never really my color
For some time
It felt as though
a hundred hands held me
Led me through the weight
Pain and loss
that I must bear
My brain spins
And I see
The hands are there
not here
A hundred hands hold you
Through the loss that you must bear
But there is no loss
Only the flowers we forgot to smell
The birds we didn't listen to
The beauty we were blind to
And you
must think I'm blind
for not wanting your house of gold
But Beauty
Is in the eye of the beholder
For a hundred hands
and a house of gold
cannot take me somewhere
I'm not meant to go

A highlight from your life
is negative
why?
What are you thinking about?
Something negative
Does it help?
Amazing
how a single moment of discomfort
becomes neck muscle
from the tension you put in your body
The pin dropped once
It is you
who became a cave
and allowed it to
Echo

My love,
if only we could write with two hands
And not get tired when night comes
If only the heat didn't hurt us so bad
And the bus rides didn't make us sick
My love,
the tension that you're
keeping in your wrist
you can let it go now
Look
If only you had always understood
Do not create demons
in a place where there are none
Feel your heart
You're safe here
Come, let's go
to a place where there are none
And your eyes grow heavy
when the steam glows

If only I could put
cold hands
to the sides of your face
convince that the sky's
okay
that the tear
in the curtain
isn't there anymore
that the taste of this
maternal mango
a little too sweet
so deep
it's where you'll find
what you're looking for
meaning
comfort
avocados and thick clouds
If only I could show you
how to do what you're told
That conformity
is not weakness
listen
tell your mama
when you're coming home

A tunic
Candles
Cooking
Fresh air coated with cloads
Movement
Deep breaths
Wrapped around your ankles
Secrets
Courage
Strategy
Whisper to me
No fear
Books and Mirrors
Sureness in your Eyes
Bathe
Water
Knowledge is Power
Write it
No one will get it
Power
Make no mistake
No self-doubt
Side effects
That vase, challice
A name like Gold
A name like yours
Hair growing
Longer
Time's pregnant
Banana bread
In a car
Love
Together we have power
Never give it up

You were asleep
When I walked into your room
You're the one person
Who I would wake up
I put my hand on your shoulder and sit down
Your eyes open
You're still in your work shirt
I take your earrings off
I give you my hands and move close
"So warm," you say
"Only your hands are cold"
I would walk through your double doors
rarely are they both open
And everything is warm in this house
Only my hands are cold
And the sky's heart of fire
in this sea of burning coal
Our feet feel the bricks get warmer
Only my hands are cold
And when the rare day comes
You're chilled to the bone
I would run to help you
Only...my hands are cold

You watch white people become millionaires
By spinning a wheel and guessing words
Is that entertaining for you?
Because you don't forget who you are
No matter how many of these people you see
You don't forget who you are
But I do
I forget who I am
In fact, I forget so well
that it's as if I never even knew in the first place
It's like being strapped
into a self-driving car
and you have no idea where it's taking you
Like my life is a wheel of fortune
and misfortune
Spinning around the blue

I get into the car
I don't say a word
Silence
Until the end of the street
"We need gas"
He says
And for the first time
I tell him about my day
If he's not gonna ask
If he isn't prying anymore
Let me tell you something
Let me tell you what I like
Cause I'm a person
And I can own this moment
Like you did
Too many times
You can't pry me open
If I'm open

Why are you everywhere?
Everywhere like the sky
I watch the spark light
I watch the flame die
Why are you everywhere?
Like a spec of dust in my eyes
I tell myself I'll drown you out
With drops of my new life
But you're everywhere
What happened to the
Depression, introversion, fatigue
The Tired
That doesn't disappear
Neither do you
Everywhere
Like the land and sky
I never hit hard
I only ask Why
Are you ******* everywhere?
Relentless existence
A ***** of needle
Every. Time.
Why are you everywhere?
Behind the lids of my eyes

Glass light
Time splits at moments like this
Oh
I remember
My heart wants what it wants
The lights were turned off
But we could see fine
Natural light
Through the glass onto your face
Blink
I tell myself I'm not ready
To teach you salsa steps
To push your hair back
To memorize your neck
I tell myself I'm not ready
To learn where you got that dress
I tell myself I'm not ready
But I am

She is all I need
And she comes home
Looking around with eyes like hooks
Chronically, desperately searching
for something to talk about
something to do
something to say
What are you running from?
She is all I need
And I tell her
about the snake road, winding in my brain
And  she doesn't get it
Useless
Like when you turn a corner
Hit a wall
Again
Help
Help
She can't help
She's a mirror
reflecting what I say
I know what I said, mama
I know what I said
I'm a tomb
And I need to be excavated
Dig deeper
But I'm left digging into her
Wall

Mama pulls up to the mailbox
You get out of the car
She drives up to the house
You'll check the mail and walk
Aren't you scared?
Of walking down the street alone
After all these years
of being seen the way you're seen
With your turban
How do you feel safe?
In a country where people believe you don't belong
Now, I get it
We look around
everyone is white
And you're so polite
And loving to everyone you meet
But you know
They might turn around at any time
saying go back to your country
go back, go back to where?
Maybe that's what you meant
when you told me
You'll never be white
I looked at my skin
of course
But you meant
You'll never be one of them
And you're nice
And they're nice
But the minute someone asks where you're from
It's us and them
Again
Maybe that's what you meant
Will I let it slide
if someone says something about what's on your head
Or will I say
that's my father
What if it's not words,
but a piercing gaze
how will we protect ourselves then?
If it's a policeman
What am I going to say?
You
have to face it
And you wish the universe could spare your children
That's what you meant

Don't make me get out of the car
Jolt me out of my dream
Pulled back by the heave in the brakes
It's the only time I'm not sure
if I'm supposed to be
Here
I just want to be, my love
pulled by the force of the car
And you
carrying me in a hammock over a river of grossness
Adding weight to my eyelids
I can't move
Safety to take for granted
that's what we all want
Safety to take for granted
And that we forget we have

We didn't say a word to each other
In the parked car
And for the first time in years
there was no tension in the silence
No, not bad
Neither of us mad
Neither of us constipated with words
No concerns
Peace
Peace even though you hurt me
Even though I hurt you
Recovered
Darling we hurt in silence
in the cracks of empty sound
Darling we heal in silence
The absence of pain is loud
Soft quintessence
Driving into the sunset
As if we just might hit it
I close my eyes
so safe that I could sleep
Moments
I'm only in one at a time
And I nest so deeply in each
that the past is
Erased

I used to feel obligated to make my pain worse
So he would notice
And stop saying that
But I’m not a mirror
Reflecting the bad side of him
I’m not a mirror
I’m a person

I’m a sponge
Forgiving
Absorbing
Accepting
Infinite
Cleansing
Bigger on the inside

I heard a dead leaf
scraping the concrete
I looked up
It was a flower

I leaned over
And it fell out of my belly button
And I could not lean back
You see,
The sky is pink and purple
And I made the clouds rain
Before the sun went down
A drip
A drop
It was raining in the desert
In this high hour
Indigo, darkening
My mother asked
"Will a rainbow come?"
I looked to the sunset
when the clouds had been milked
It's a rainbow enough for me

My bones weigh 20 pounds
Sifting in the rain
Is what it's like to realize
that's what I'll be one day
One day
I almost flocked to the door
Pulled
I followed the wind outside
Let it pull me
And realize that it's not strong enough
I can stand
Firm and unmoved
With bones
We were made to face this
Now, it can pull you
What does the wind know?
I forget
You must remind yourself to worry
He then stops talking when he sees
the presence in my mind
I am here
Hearing what you're saying
I'm not storing it for later
Now
My bones weigh 20 pounds
Sifting in the rain
My heart still beats a little faster
It wants to run away
I remind it, sweet love
you're not going anywhere
I am here
I am nowhere
but here

The pillow's edge
Ornamented with an ant
Its siblings crawling on the pipe underneath
This one's rebellious
Debating whether or not
to cross the border from my sock to my skin
Come on, Little Ant
What are you - Afraid?
The smells and the texture
as my leg hair sways
Come on, Little Ant
I'm doing nothing all day
Except to face my few fears
The wind wants to play
You know when a horse drags his front foot
And hangs his head a little, nudging into you
His horseshoe catching the dirt
as it drifts towards your face
Just like that
The wind wants to play
Come on, Little Ant
What are you - Afraid?
Of the taunting
And haunting
that lives in your brain
Come on, Little Ant
I'm doing nothing all day
But to burn in the relentless sun
And blow you away

I put my body on the sunlit bricks
One side down so my hip bone burns
She brought me a pillow for my elbow to pierce
Here
in the middle of the bricks
I read words she doesn't understands
I wonder how they sound to her
The page ends
"Stay where you are," she says
Here
in the sunlight
burning
I didn't move
I glance and see her phone in her hand
when she comes out again
I pretend that I'm still reading
I can hear her shutter click
She's come to take pictures of me
She answers her phone
"Hello"

No quiero oir el latido del corazon
Ayudame a escapar

Eso es el dia
en que no puedo parar de decirla
Muda
La digo como esa para que
no me puedes comprender
No importa
No importa en que idoma la digo
Tu no me vas a entender
Muda
Es la misma que el grito del viento
en mi pecho que me duele
cuando la luz me despierta
Muda
Como la furiosa y fuerte
pero futil
Nadie puede sentir
Eso es lo que ella me dice
La bruja me hace
Muda

Nothing
I scrambled for you
Begged the universe to hurry up
In the rare moment that I had something to say
There you were
Ready
Infested with distractions
Talk
And then
Nothing
Corked by the idea that maybe no one cares
Turned in the sea of words
Not good enough
Not big enough
Not likely to receive validation
Worthy?
How can you tell?
Garbage
I was going to tell you about your blindfold
But maybe it's folded too tightly
For me to jar your reality
False
Real
Who has the delusion?
Garbage
I scrambled for you
Why?

A whole entire human
A feeler of pain
A fighter of battles of the mind
A warrior
An owner of a heart, heartbeat, the kind you notice
A closeted non-binary
A mover, A dancer
A thinker of thoughts
A haver of things
A learner
An occupant of my home
A difference in someone's life
A feeler of emotions
A knower of truth
A heartbeat, a heart strain
that catches your attention
A chooser of paths
Incomplete

I took my body off the floor
I've never been this way before
I fold my heart into a cricket-shaped tattered paper plane
And my pumpkin spice quinoa
brings me back to life
in a world with orange monsters
in a world that wants me dead
And the sweet satisfying warmth
that I choose to feel instead
I took my body off the floor
I took your words out of my head
Maybe the smallest life is the greatest life
that you could ever have
I took my body off the floor
I've never been this way before
I never turned around
And put the ground back
underneath my feet

To you, I seem unmoving

I'm alive
I'm asleep
I am subtly incomplete
My body
Is curled around the dried honey lake
I am static
Far beyond the dried honey bees
Because to you I seem unmoving
And to me I'm everything
Static
But my brain is buzzing
With thoughts
My body
Still works when I am still
Folded
Nursing the pain in the crevice of my hips
I am a seed
Sinking into soil
I will grow
But to you I seem unmoving
What will you say
When I become a tree?

She thought of me
She looked at me
She thought I was a boy
And her disappointment
Pressed my heart for noise
I am neither fish nor fowl
I am not required to choose
I am still a human being
I am all I have to lose
In the crevice of the wall
In the corner of my head
Is a burning thought
Why do I have to be a boy for you to like me?

Maybe the seasaw was unbalanced when you got to it

I can hear you
Your vibrating voice like a heartbeat
as you dig your nails into my soft blanket
Trying to find space
In my space
Staring intently
At nothing
Your little hips going back and forth
Whine if I disturb you
How did you get so good
at making a space your own
Completely forgetting
that this space is owned
How did you get so good
At making a house your home
How did you get so good
At making a place your own

I walk one way
I walk the other
Warm me
I am cold
No liquid can fill the black hole in my stomach
The hole will make me whole
Stitch me
I'm not bleeding but stitch me because what if I unravel
Clad in my skin
Until thoughts spin
That fight the war within
The black hole
Everything is gone
And I feel like a pawn on my chessboard
Empty and on fire
What if the only language you can speak is extinct
To link
You and your soliloquy
To the black hole

I gets so stuck
My body is numb
Simmer by the fire
Until you are done

He wonders  what's wrong
but I cannot tell him
No dad, it’s not my friends, it’s that place
the temple where I feel like a disgrace
I thought I would rather die than go there
then your words make me feel so scared
No dad, it’s not my friends, it is you
making me do things I don’t want to do
You don’t even try to understand my shade
That is what makes me feel so afraid

He’s never warm
when working up the perfect thunderstorm
But when he’s nice
it melts away all of the painful ice
And don’t you see
I won't forget what he has done to me
When he strikes me
he does it with his luminous lightning
So when he’s kind
I try and remember all the painful times

But then I can't avoid insisting on pain
And then it’s my fault I’m hurting

Hello,
my name is Afraid
I’m kind of scared to tell you my age
my heights is so strange, so is my weight
I couldn't bear to show you my face
The trees were trembling on my birthday
And I cried so hard - I was afraid
My mother smiled, I looked to her face
She was the one who gave me my name
And years have passed by up to today
My ethnicity gets in my way
I’m afraid knowing that I’m not straight
My religion is fear and dismay
Not a believer, I don’t have faith
Can’t believe lies that these people say
My eyes are black, my gender is rage
But really, inside, I am afraid

**** me
it’s my only plea, get the job done
effectively but painlessly, death will be so fun
I try to cut myself
but of course I fail
the beautiful white lines fade so quickly
I look to the mirror and speak to myself
“I love you,” my heart whispers
“But I want to **** you
and I promised you I would”
Out of love I want to spare myself
from life
I tried to burn myself
but I couldn’t stand the heat
so I go through all the pills we have
but they’re all too big for me to swallow
I research poison recipes until
the suicide hotline shows up
I wonder if I should call
I don’t want help
I just want death
How shall I relieve my strife
and stop my own breath
All I ever want in life
is the gift of death

The wings of a hurricane
the cry of a beast
concerns of a teenager
present at a feast
salt in fresh wounds
twigs in my cape
soaring through states
this is my escape
you might infest
your precious being
with all the sickness
you’ve been seeing
You might forget
the origin of your shape
you shake off  reality
that is your escape
But the threads in my waistcoat
the apples in my crate
can not be forgotten
in this mental state
I spill the ideas
that society has taped
inside my thoughts
this is my escape

Your house may be filled with clutter
and it may not subside
but the entire world is cleaner
if you are clean inside

My family gives me what I need
My homework drains my cup
My friends remain like silent seeds
My smartphone wakes me up

Lost in the bitterness
Free because I’m found
Surrounded by silence
I hear the intense sound
I got a one way ticket
I’ll go there, back and around
this is the complication
of travelling to where I’m bound
Climbing a mountain
while the path doesn’t bend
ripping up a letter
that the mailman still will send
Drinking constantly
but my thirst will not amend
this is the frustration
that my life won't cease to lend
Miles, countries away
but still you’re at my side
Just when you disobey me
you do start to abide
Of course I’ll tell no one
but in you I can confide
This is my pleasure
when the pain will not subside

Darling, yes, I know, I know, of the tension in your spine
and surely I would heal your pain if only I were thine
I drink and feel the living sweetness lounge upon my teeth
And of course what fills my eyes are the dregs that lie beneath
I close my eyes so not to see this frightful world again
Shall I tell you of my vision, will you understand then?
I cannot control something that cripples along my skin
I cannot stop the surging little flame that roars within

Fame, don't come in. Riches, go away.
Beauty, if I define you then I guess that you can stay.
Love, you will destroy me. Pleasure will make me a beast.
Happiness, I don’t need you...when I have peace.