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Sylvia Fénix Oct 2019
for a long time i felt chained in a basement somewhere
the faces of my captors hidden as i writhed against rusted shackles
they surrounded me with doctors, therapists, all the like
made me feel like there was something wrong with me
hell, maybe there actually might've been
but it wasn't what they were trying to cure

i was furiously dragged away from any chance of success
but not by a diagnosis or approximation
i was bullied into failure by those supposed to care for me
those who tried to "fix" me

they broke me as a child
i died pretty long ago, the candles in my soul
they went out maybe a decade ago
but im still here, trying my best to ignite them again
'cause most people i know havent even lit theirs yet
someone i used to be really close to just found out they're on the spectrum and they arent taking it too well
i really doubt they'll see this, but on the offchance: its not going to stop you, trust me

you're a talented ******* with more going on in that head than 95% of the dull ******* that will ever tell you that you won't amount to anythnig.

you wont disintegrate, you aren't stunted and you aren't a ****** savant, you're a **** good writer, an amazing artist and one of the most switched-on people ive ever met. we're just playing this ****** ******* game on a higher difficulty, bigger risk bigger reward yknow
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
i know i overthink everything simple
and under-think the complex
but i dont know how to deal with things
in any other way
so in moments like these
situations like this
i dont know what to think
or what to do

i like you
you know that
but i feel like every friend
every hope
is slipping from me
like sand through my
deceitful hands
i dont want you gone too

is it simple?
are you just busy
maybe you just forget
or are you ignoring me?
am i being discarded
ill never know
because im too perturbed
to ask you myself
jesus christ i worry too much
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2018
Out in the sand
Not another soul for miles
Scorching sun beaming down
Onto your fair skin

Look left
Look right
People usually come to the beach

Your fingers ran through the grains
Warm, toasty even
You brought some up to your face
But it just faded back to the ground

But as the sand fell
You glanced something in the distance
Out into the sea
Something that wasn’t right

A figure
Standing solitary in the aqua
A figure you remember
Something wasn’t right

You recognised the stranger
But anything about them
Was gone from your mind
Like blanks in your strained memory

They backed into the blue and you shot up
Something about it made you feel
Made you want to cry
Made you want to laugh

Soon the figures body was submerged
Below their neck, immersed in the wet
You were stood up, rushing towards the sea
You didn’t want to see them go

By the time your feet touched the water
They were gone
Underneath the deep
Soon the water was willingly at your waist

As you search for this soul
You searched your mind
Desperately looking for memories of them
Trying to find why you care so much

Engulfed fully now
Trashing through intensely
Wanting to find them
Needing to see them

You felt your body giving into the liquid
Your chest, your lungs, failing you
It didn’t matter anymore
They were all that mattered anymore

Your body filled with water
Your arms flailed and threshed
Your brain hunted, not for a way out
But for their face

Your vision darkened
Your eyes looked up
To the sky
It was dark

Going dark
Like night
All you felt
It was okay
not too sure what came to me with this one, but i guess thats kinda appropriate
Sylvia Fénix Aug 2019
yknow those street lights?
where you press the button and wait for the stoplight
so cars stop and you may pass?
i actually stopped at one of those today

i stood there and waited for the light to flicker different
so that i may safely cross the road home
i know this sounds really meaningless
but it was actually quite something for me

i never stop at these lights
i run across the road as soon as my own chance shows itself
and i noticed lately that every time i did it
i'd find myself getting closer and closer to the cars each time

this is different
ive got a reason to keep going now
a genuine reason
and nothings gonna stop me now
im gonna be careful, for her.
Sylvia Fénix Aug 2019
feelings flying
feels like im just a passenger

everythings out of control
im so high
but i can make things right
please dont die

we can save eachother if we just try
not a broken promise, not a lie
i think you're really cool, im a wannabee
i wanna fix us just like an anomaly
shes cute, she'll say she isnt, but she is
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
Pain doesn't fade
Lingering for a decade
Things that aren't there anymore
Phantom limbs aching
Unreal pain torturing
That day you lost everything
Your inspiring life crashing down
Sinking on top of you
Because you overlooked the situation

Smoking cigars
With your new arm
Though no matter how much you try
You still feel that phantom pain
From what you had, but lost
You'll build it up again
Recreate that empire
I wish I could too, Venom
I wish I could take my life back too
Make it how it was again too

You never expected to see her again, did you?
You thought she died in that sea
We all did
But as we both heard those words
They hurt you
But they destroyed me
"Dissociative Identity Disorder-"
"The doctor's are sure she's not faking it."

I tell myself it's just a game
That it doesn't matter
But the words
They cut into me
They won't let me escape the things I've done
Everywhere I go I'm reminded
And I thought this would let me be happy
For a moment
But even your story makes me remember, Venom
We're both demons
But you're not a liar
I'm much more deserving of that horn
Metal Gear Solid V is a great game and it's keeping my mind off everything but the Paz stuff hurt me. Of all the storylines in all the games I could've played I find the one that reminds me of how badly I ****** everything up. At least Snake probably gets to fix everything at the end of his story.
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
love is foreign from me
i felt it for all but received smatterings in return
they were too far away
she was too different
but my new addiction is perfect
they were too hot
she was too cold
but this one is just right
he makes me so happy
hes close
hes warm
he makes me feel bubbly
visions of him fill my psyche when my reality isn't real
and its amazing
im high on love and i won't come down 'til i fall to my death
and it'll be wonderful
we're so similar
every joke we say in tandem silently before we speak
we are connected by fates merciful loom
when i cry about her he listens
and its amazing
but when he cries he doesn't want me near
and it makes me cry harder
but every time he says not to be close
he tells me he loves me
and im back on my high
hes my drug
what kind i dont care
if hes my perscription i want to be a good girl and obey the doctor
if hes a street narcotic i want to jam the needle in and apply forever
no matter what i know hes good
i dont care what he did
i know what he is
hes hurt and scarred and full of sorrow stories
just like me
we're perfect together
i make him laugh
he makes me cry
vice versa
he makes me feel and i wouldn't ask for anything else
i love him
im the happiest sad in the world
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2018
I always wondered
which of them I
thought of myself as
After all
inspiration is a very
powerful thing and I've
only had myself for
quite a while

Maybe I'm Accalia,
the fun loving wolf-girl
with a heart of gold and
fire in her eyes
im nothing but a
cold heart and
there's nothing in
my gray eyes

What about Hyperia
the emotional teenager
with care and love
behind cold shoulders
my emotions were lies
and my care and love
were eclipsed by my

i know who i am
the liar
the bloodied
the one who acts so cool and mysterious
but she hides the truth
the tears and the

only difference is that she knows what she's doing
but me and her are still hurting
she can make things right
that remains to be seen
in my case
but with all this ive seen
it must've always been obvious
that i was Chrimson
i dont even want to write my book anymore

i dont deserve to be a writer
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
ive been thinking
about why
why i did what i did
not a justification
just a ******* reason
for why i ruined it all
and my new theory seems
to fit pretty well
and explains alot

all those times i cried about her
i was crying about you
even though i was her all along
i think she was meant to be you
at least after we became loves

all those times i worried about her
about her drug use
about her situation
all thos times i feared that i'd lose her
those tears were real
because they were for you
everything i cried about
they were all you
i just didnt know how to tell you
i was scared that you'd think my obsession
was weird
and that you'd hate me if you knew i was lying
look how that turned out, huh?
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2019
rushing panic
nothings clear
i grab the glass
just like they fear
drag it across me, its done
the only thing that stops me feeling numb

its just my short term solution,
an impure example of retribution
i know i need to stop thinkingg like this but i thiink hes seeing someone now and it tears me apart just thinking about it
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
she'll walk down the street
her heels will tap against the sleet
she'll strap up her coat
feeling something on her throat
first a cough, then a spluter
for a moment, her heart will go flutter
mere seconds after she will throw up her blood
feeling somehow, left in the mud
and as she'll see them, feeling herself deign
there will be a click, a bang, and out will fly her brain
these make it easier to deal with the
far more intense feelings i get
in the more stressful moments
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
am i aging or am i past my time
the tools to make me better aren't here
am i an advanced prototype
or am i an old pile of outdated gears
my wires rust from time to time
unable to move them
and my processor is a mess
it shorts out and i boot up somewhere else
my cooling must be bust from how hot i get around you
whats wrong with me
where did it all go so wrong
blurry rendering
is it my eyes or my graphics card
is my sorrow programmed or am i really feeling
fix me
i know you can't
but please try
i can't run like this anymore
i've been pressing sleep for far too long
and its too late for a restart
update or shut down
hello world
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
She sits within a flower
Trapped within its beaufiful form
Her own bound and pierced by green
With leafy handcuffs
And vines pushing through her throat
She tries to talk
Speak of her plight
To tell those around, those that mean
That this is not reality
But she cannot,
Her tongue is pierced by green
Doomed to herself
By herself

Do not feel pity
Nor sorrow
For the girl who sits within a flower
She did it
Even though this isn't true
The blood which pours from her flowered impalement
She dealt her hand
She played her cards
She planted her seeds
Caused so much hurt
And she will suffer
I'll make sure of it

Her hand shakes
Trying to break free
Or keeping herself inside
She could escape from this green horror
But she isn't
I wish I could say
I wish I really knew

But the flower crumbles
From who or what, uncertain
But the twisted, natural prison recoils
A sharp vine pulls itself from her body
Her chest, her throat unravel  
But there are no marks
No scars on her epidermis

Freed from her own prison
She cries more
Though unchained, she is sadder
Not from exposure
But from realization
That she undone all valorous she had
And mutilated that of which she kept the highest solicitude
i still cant say anything
i was too worried i hid reality and ****** everything forever
Sylvia Fénix Sep 2019
There's a matchstick burning at the bottom of the ocean
Though it seems unfathomable, by all means, it's true
This tiny flame sparks and rages underneath the riverbed
Defying reality as it flares and spits at the codfish below

But as you'd expect, this hot stick isn't so bright anymore
The light, ravaged and eroded by wear and tare
A blaze brought down by time and circumstance
Perhaps someday it shall understand it's own charade

Splitting headaches, my brain acts in two halves
One side calculated and contemplative, the other impulsive and unrefined
One of them assures me that I shouldn't have jumped, that it was a mistake
The other only tells me I should've dived deeper

And I'm not sure which is telling me what.
feelings are hard
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
i gave up on god about a decade ago now
from such a young age i saw hopelessness
i didnt understand it, but i could tell nothing
was worth the effort
as life meandered on
i saw death
i saw pain
through the shameless media i saw
how painful existence was
and without realizing, it jaded me

pain is all i can feel anymore
i never felt happiness
dread doesnt phase me
my old worries that im wasting time
i wish i could worry anymore
that something other than him could matter to

my lover says we should take a break
because he can tell how much i still love him
but i can sense a more
cynical truth behind his words
im hurting him
it hurts to see his girlfriend obsess over someone else
someone whos hurting her
the one she pierces flesh for
my friends dont stop telling me how
much they care
how they want me to stop
i wish i could still care
i wish their words could pierce my brain
but it doesnt

i gave up on myself sixteen years ago
and the only one who made me feel anything
gave up when i let myself hope again
my life is caving me in and I don't know who else can save me but him
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2018
im so sorry
about everything ive ever done to you
im a liability to you
you dont deserve to put up with me
but you did
and you have
every single time
im so sorry
i wish i knew what i was doing to you
but i dont
and its scaring me to my core

you are amazing
youre funny
youre important
youve saved my life more than probably anyone else
please dont go
i wont be like this anymore
If you just stay alive

is this how you felt
a few nights ago
reading it all back
you didnt deserve to go through any of that
im so sorry
i wont ever drink again
i wont hurt myself again
ill do whatever it takes
just please stay
please don't go Hanna I don't know what I'd do without you
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
when one only knows how to take
merely borrow instead of create
what does that make you
are you grand
do you deserve even a title
you can do anything
and use your strength to steal
intellect wasted
its all i know
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
pain is the only way i can feel anymore
ever since i ruined his life
and i destroyed mine

darkness surrounds my form
im engulfed in black night

then i see
he smiles
at me
and i
smile back
things are
for once

we lie
in my bed
im crying
he tells me
he has
that i deserve
another chance
then he

the memories
are hazy
but i rememeber
one thing
he said
when he was
"You're someone
who's important"
i was happy as
we lied there
in my bed

another time
we're at a fair
a school fair
i think
we're having
the time of
our lives
about samples
drinks and

of us care
we were
having fun
together again

there was
a third time
my memory
on it is
awful, but
it was me
with him
and life
felt worth
it again

then i jolt upward
im in my bed and everything becomes true again
reality hits me like a ***** and i start to cry again
i feel it again, the pain of my lies
im left there alone again because of it
and im crying again
ive dreamt about him three times in a row
it hurts
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
I don't wanna be me anymore
Crashing out the front door
Make my way into school
Act like the fool
Spend my time thinking how to be wittier
I don't wanna be me anymore
Researching video game lore
Calling up every friend
So we can we argue and contend
On which backstory is *******
I don't wanna be me anymore
Face down on the floor
Covered in red
Hoping I am dead
Then getting up somehow feeling guiltier
It'd be a simple case
I'd change without a trace
New grace
New place
New face
And as I'd ride the train
I'd think I was sane
Thinking I'd evaded my emotions, my pain
But at the end of it all, this new person is me
And I'd start all over again
i dont really know what i want to be
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
I dreamt again
About him, again
Of course I did
But this one was different
So much different
And so much more painful

It went on for what felt like hours
And it felt so real
You could play it back to me
And I'd swear it was an
Actual occurrence
Apart from the details

We talked
Me and him
We were in a small room
We have those in our school
And I gave him everything
My most heartfelt apology
I cried my sorries into
And after some questioning
He accepted them
That second chance to prove
That I'm worthy of being his lover
The chance I'd been wishing for since
He gave me that
And I didn't hurt him again

It's strange
I've had amazing dreams
Otherworldly dreams
Done things only ever possible
Within the dreamscape
But this
Two hours of a regular schoolday
Was the best dream I've ever had

We were smiling at eachother
Joking around
Laughing, leaning, hugging
All the things we did before
The best two hours this year
And even when I awoke
I was convinced it was a memory
And not a wish
i know these dreams are just me being wishful
but it gives me something to strive for, i guess
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
wandering the endless void
where are they
who are they
who are you
a name
its what you've been searching for
killing for
a name is a prized possession
but it only matters if people remember it
knowing theres a reason for every soul you take
every innocent you decimate
its not mindless
not like you
theres method to your madness
you hide behind a mask of shattered memories
trying to find them
trying to earn them from someone higher up than yourself
you try
but thoughts they wont spare
they will never care
its all i know
shadowy daggers pierce my skin
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
It's funny
A week ago was my lowest moment
My darkest hour
And now I'm in my most defining days
My redemption arc

Happiness comes from within
Something someone once told me
Something I once ignored
I thought happiness could come from that someone
Something was definitely wrong

It pains me to think that
Being apart is my road to true beauty
That being away from love
Is the only way for progress
But the evidence isn't fake

It's strange
That being able to watch you walk away
And smiling at it
Shows that I'm getting better
So strange

Why am I doing this
Is it for me
For you
Or for the countless more people
Who apparently don't want me eviscerated

Its a new journey, I'm travelling
What my destination is, I'm not sure
But I know it'll be better
And I just hope you'll be there
To kiss me at the station

I can promise you that
"I'll get help"
"I'll be better"
Aren't words anymore
And you can finally see it

I'll change
You'll get space
You won't be chased
And I'll be able to smile
When you tell me no

All I need from you
Is to hear
"I love you"
I know it already, but reminders help me
Remember why I need to change

However long it takes
No matter what I have to do
If it's tough
If it's difficult
I'll pull through

Not just for you
But for myself too
And hell
The fact I even believe I can
Should tell you I'm ready to change
I can't sit here waiting for someone to fix me.
And I can't let that mindset drive him away again.
I want to be better
I don't want to be the depressive introvert anymore
I can get better
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
we're so alike
yet we're so apart
but you're an angel and i'm a phoenix
we've got forever to figure it out
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
A bolt fizzled through the sky, sundering heaven apart
Impact through it's perfect clouds
There was commotion, there was chaos
God-bound beings rushing to safety
Guardians trying their damnedest to save those behind their gates

But through it all stood a single winged one
Were they in trouble?
Did they cause this?
Nobody knew
Not even him

Through the smoke and mirrors which lay strewn across the sky
Shot a crashing meteor
Tumbling through the sky into this lone angel

But when they touched, it's wings unfurled
And the meteor took form
Into that of a burning bird
The Phoenix rose from the impact

The angel mounted himself upon it's back
And in their own smoke, they vanished from heaven
Never to be witness to a perfect world again
him and i, me and him
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2018
i looked into his eyes
and told him i loved him
i looked into his eyes
and told him that he was the most important thing in my life
i looked into his eyes
and told him id do anything for him
i looked into his eyes
and told him he could trust me

even if what i said then was true
after the lying
how could i expect him
to believe anything
i said
i didnt lie about much
but it was enough to hurt him
he wrote a poem about me on here
i found it
title and description changed to forget me
i am a lying *******
his other poems should've told me that he knew and that i was hurting him
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
i want a dress
one i can wear over my insecurities
a dress that makes me feel special
i want it long to cover my shame
and black to make people think im mysterious
a dress that makes me feel wanted
im too imprisoned to buy it
and i might be too shy to wear it
but i want my dress
to make me feel different
to make me feel loved
to make me feel freed
so please let me have a dress
its what i need
Sylvia Fénix Jul 2019
i dont kid myself
im not some hot shot writer casanova
and im certainly not damaged
poetry comes from the heart
and mines spent the last 15 years sheltered

i felt something really good
the first time i was in love
maybe even the only time ive been in love
and then i felt something really bad
when i hurt that person really bad

now sheltered little sylvia here had a lying mother
and sylvia never really saw how much a lie could hurt someone
would i go back and stop myself from saying things to him
if i had the choice
of course, but theres a reason im not a time traveler
i had to learn to tell the truth the hard way
and what lies can do to people you care about the harder way
cause ive got a thick skull, ysee
and maybe that was the only way it would've broken in

its been nearly a full year since i last saw him in person
i used to think about it alot honestly
what id say, what id do
i thought id be prepared for that moment
but seeing him for just a couple moments going past me
some reason, that got me more than it shouldve and im still not too sure why

maybe i should try and talk to him
maybe be a halfway decent friend this time
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2019
the glass shows a me that isnt
a someone else who im pretending to be
the clothes im wearing
metaphorically stolen off anothers back
the hair im sporting
fake and unnatural, masquerading

but despite how disgusting it feels in my mind, im happy
its nice to play dress up without hurting anyone
cosplaying feels really nice and i still dont really know why
Sylvia Fénix Feb 2018
I know I overlook you
I know I undermine you
I know sometimes I can be uncaring
But I'm glad you never forgot
How much you mean to me

You're the world
Even though you feel so far away
I always know you're only a few seconds from me
Just one tap
Just one click

And you'll always be there
Never going
Never straying
I'm good enough for you
Even if I can't be there

But we get by
We use age-old language as we mimic
Imagining the other's touch with words
Using adjectives to remind me of your features
And verbs while I blush

We go so well together
The posh dame
And the muscled heroic
Like cheese and fine wine
We'll age perfectly side-by-side

You make me smile
And you always brighten up my day
When the clouds of painful woe
You make sure to drive them gone

I would've died last year if you weren't there
You dragged me through most of it kicking and screaming
And you were there to pick me up
When it all went wrong at the finish line
And carried me to the afterparty in your strong arms

I've not got much else to say
And I know you don't like this holiday
But I do
And I just hope this is enough of a gift
To show how much I love you
you've never wavered in love to me and i could never ask for a better man to take me into 2018 and i just hope this is the year i get to see you properly
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
it's strange how my year
my life
can go to my highest peaks and deepest oceans
in the span of mere moments

but hey
its the new year now
and everything can be forgotten
left behind

and be replaced with new wishes
new heartbreak
new pain
and just maybe
new beginnings
maybe this year, ill be happy again

Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
I had a friend long ago
Let's call him "Con''"
Con' was a weird one
He would show up unannounced
Try and encourage me to do things
"Hey, go ask that girl out!"
"Hey, you should go talk to them!"
We were different, Con' and I
But I liked having him around

Now our friendship wasn't perfect
We had our fallouts
And disagreement was the usual between us
But he always stuck around
He knew I needed him around
Even though I often thought otherwise
Con was a strange one to me

He'd always be laughing with strangers in pubs
Or chatting with my friends when I was
too scared to get their attentions myself
And when I asked my crush out?
'Con found my afterward to cheer for me
"You told him? I knew you could do it!"
Too bad we grew apart after that

Being with my boyfriend
I didn't think I needed 'Con anymore
But after months, after the breakup, after the heartbreak
I needed old 'Con back more than ever
But he was nowhere to be found
I called everyone I knew, nobody had seen him
I didn't know what to do without my friend 'Con

I found him
eventually, I mean
Took some effort, but we're buddies again
Building up what we once had
Working out how to tackle my life once again
And I know one day
When I'm standing in front of the person I love
Whoever that may be, my ex, or a new heart,
I know that 'Con will be there for me
Even though I gave up on him
Even though I thought I didn't need him
He'll be there,
My old friend Confidence
just some stupid little thing while i get my life back on track
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2019
ive rewritten this
countless times now
so **** it

this decade has been me just
******* up and improving
giving up on my abusive mother
******* up a relationship
discovering myself politically
******* up another relationship
discovering my sexuality
******* up another-
you get the point

lets leave the past behind
discard my sins with what ive lost
and keep the lessons ive gained
shedding my pathological skin
but holding onto the meat within

im not very good at ending things,
relationships, my own life, poems
but **** it all
this is my year now
my decade
my ******* time
im ****** up rn celebratin but i just knew i had to write something even though its 100% trash ****
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
Her smile dissipated and her tears ceased flow.
She was refocused.
Her right arm bleeding all over, Chrimson moved her other hand
She fell
Her head colliding with the chilled floor
It didn't hurt.
Raised her arm to the sky, deathly solemn her face was
Her weaponry pressed the flesh
Her mangled arms somewhat symmetrical
Gazing at the glazing of her appendage, she felt not happy
Not glad
But she felt justice.
This was what she deserved. What her sins had bought her.
What she needed.
An edited passage from one of my recent narrative pieces.
I thought it good to put here among my other writings.
Things are getting better on my end.
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
how the hell do i talk about you
im not sure
and im worried because you
you could be reading this
you probably wont
but theres always that chance
and im worried about what to say
when you might actually read it
and confront me

i think you're nice
a bit of a bland comment
but if you do see this
you already know that i think that
so it wont shock you
or make you question me
but im taking my life in a
new direction
so instead of being a coward
how about i say some other things

i think you're pretty
you probably know that too
but that was alot harder to write
because it could reveal
other intents
the other things i want to say
but instead of mere compliments
how about something else

i get upset when we dont interact
this might not make much sense
but whenever we dont play together
or talk with eachother
or maybe when i see you with someone
it upsets me
because i wish it could be me instead
but it goes a little further than that
so how about i tell you more

your words mean so much to me
i tell you this, but i dont think you
understand what i mean
whenever i'd be upset at something
your calming positives brought me back
and if i was ******* or being ******
your words would set me straight

i know it seems like im falling
but we havent had a proper conversation
in quite some time
but im trying
im trying my absolute hardest
for you
for everyone
and while changing my name
dressing different, all that ****
is part of my change
im trying to be more honest
more genuine
to show everyone that
im still the person they thought i was

if i told you that i was in love with you
what would you think?

not some stupid crush
not just a hunch of care

if i told you i wanted to give you everything
that i wanted to be with you forever
not just because im scared of being alone
or to try and put other things behind me

if i asked you to be with me
how would you react?

we cant see eachother
without difficulty, i know
but we get along so well
when we actually get to talk
we laugh
we laugh more
we laugh so much that
we drive everyone away so
we can laugh some more
i might just be an idiot
a delusional freak
but i cant help but think

if you knew all of this
what would you tell me?
what is wrong with me
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2019
alot can happen in a short space of time
though not much whatsoever can also take so long
and now i'm quickly approaching my prime
my biggest moment, mere weeks away
and i'm completely at a loss of what to do

this year was rough, to say the least
more than a couple relationships, all ending quite poorly
hell, one of them wasn't even my fault
but we're past that now, i think
the new scars are from scrapes, not self-harm
brawls, not body horror personal
you get the idea

it's almost funny
i taught myself to write because i was scared
i had a hard time speaking my mind
and it turns out, i was better at writing it instead
now, as i approach a vocal career
my writing becomes ever stagnant

all the paths will open soon
i've been locked down my entire life
behind guardian bars and self-closed cages
a containment breach, but i'm no anomaly
just a scared ***** who doesn't know what she wants to be
my 18th's about nineteen days away. feels like completing the tutorial in a poorly designed sandbox game. everythings possible, and i've got no idea what to do. we'll just wait and see, i guess.
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
im sorry if i make you sad
ill use your tears to clean
the gunk clogging the gears
of my heart
so maybe
i can make you happy again
i know you'll always love me
Sylvia Fénix Feb 2018
Rogue star
Soaring through the cosmos
Perfect as you are
Sinking into the endless
Spacial depths

Burning bright
No atmosphere
Immune to the blight
Of it's regular mortal

Squawking into the universe
Travelling boundless
The galaxy cannot contain
Its needs

Flamed wings unfurl
Spreading light into
The sky
Feelings of love uncurl and
It's hopeful

The sunlit bird
Conveys into entire monologue
Without a word
It cries into the infinite
Waiting for an answer

It doesn't come
Not yet
This burning bird exists for all but itself
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2019
fermented fruits pass into me
it tastes like ****, but who cares
its not the worst, i guess

reality blurs, kinda
some things hazy, a couple in clarity
it hurts more and less, what kinda **** is that?

its gonna take a while to fix me
so while the mechanics on break  
how about i crack open a cold bottle of oil
and grease the gears something fierce?
ive started drinking
its aight
Sylvia Fénix Jan 31
music does tons for me
negative plus positive
it can be both a coping mechanism
and a right ******, innit?
music can make me feel good
or pull this damsel outta distress
but it can also remind me of the better times
or remind me of the songs that remind of me the good times

sometimes songs i really like can just become inaudible without testing my health
being fine just
one week
and then changing when i stroll into another bout of
the same state of emotion as always

you're gonna be the one who reminds me of the cider drink
the one that i throw down my gullet to forget the good times
i aint the sharpest tool in the shed
and the world has certainly rolled me

when im with you i feel like i could die
and that'd be alright
i just hope i get to meet you someday
i really like Neil Cicierega
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
every night is the same in bed
and looking back
looking forward too
i just wish i could fix it
fix my broken wings
fix my broken promises
fix my ******* life
it's not the fact i lost him that hurts
it's the fact i hurt him that's killing me
Sylvia Fénix Jun 2018
It wades down the end
From upon the hill, it descends
In it's raggedy, misshapen claw it desperately
clutches a tool,
or a weapon
The scythe sways idly from left
toward right
Brushing along the tips of
the field's innocent leafgreen, darkened
by the dusk of the night
Through the stealth, it's entire form is
blackened. Hidden from me

An occasional glimmer of moonlight
glances my eye, reflected from it's iron blade
It beams infrequently across it's figure
allowing me to spy it's features
Pinhole eyes, a dark but somehow bright white
gazing right through me as I into it
It's mouth was stitched up, but smirking toward me
fabric lips stained with crimson betrayal
I smile at the symbolism and accept
I feel a sharpness drawl against the flesh
below my chin
The movements holding the same creeping terror
But I stay unafraid
I close my eyes
I make my peace
I right my wrongs
I ready myself for the reaping

But then my eyes are open
And the field is bright
Daylight shone upon the roses and the daisies
with the foliage inbetween blazing green
For a moment I theorize a dream
That the encroaching monster
was simply an unconscious figment
But as my hand ghosted my neck
and felt light scaring over it's delicacy
My ideas drift towards the reason
why that thing left me standing

From across this strange place I see
perched upon a simple, smiling scarecrow
a bat
usually, this would be quite the worrying situation
especially as he was staring directly at me
But I could only smile at the black-winged one
And wave my own wing in it's direction
Turning around, I began to make my way elsewhere
In whichever direction destiny would push me next
Weightless, feeling free of my hand-crafted shackles
The cage I designed for myself broken
And you know what?
As I left that field

I think the bat might have smiled back
new chapter boyes and gorls
lets see where it takes us
Sylvia Fénix Aug 2019
whats the old saying i recall
"its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"?
whoever that came from must've never loved once before
much less twice or more
well that relationship lasted long didnt it?
i dont know if i should feel upset, mad, angry, played or even more upset
now ive lost two of my best friends and i cant even spend time in my usual places because hes there now
can something go right for me just once
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2018

-Hey there!
-So, looking to sell your soul?
-Great! Well let's get started!
-Let me guess, you wanna go back and change something?
-Well you look extremely depressed, just figured.
-Don't worry about that! We're trying to make a deal here, aren't we?
-Alright, so what is it you want to change?
-Wait, don't tell me, I want to guess!
-Hey, I'm changing your life here, let me have a little fun! Now let's see.
-Oh my, so many chances to choose from! You've got lots of regrets, don't you?
-That time you lost two friends online.
-All those missed kills in Dota, ha!
-And that relationship you had.


-Hey, you still there?
-Did I strike a nerve?
-Is that what you wanted to change?
-Well then, we've made progress!
-So where do you wanna go back to? Again, so many chances.
-You really were ****** to him so we aren't strapped for choice.
-Sorry, sorry. True though, you'll need to choose.
-There's when you first started, that first beautiful month.
-Maybe just before you lied? What about when you directly talked to him in a "different personality"?
-I know it's a lie, that's all you ever did, wasn't it?
-You still lied.
-Changing it wouldn't change the fact you lied, y'know.
-You'd still have to live with it.
-Like a little mini lie! :P
-You'll never forget it, I don't think.
-And isn't going back and changing things sorta like lying?
-It is.
-Y'know for someone who wants to change their lies you really enjoy lying to yourself.
-All those times you keep telling yourself there's a chance.
-Whenever you imagine you both getting back together and being happy.
-But you know they're lies, just like he did.
-After all, you're here, aren't you?
-Okay, I'll wait :D


-Oh? You've changed your mind?
-A gun? A little lackluster for selling your soul, isn't it?
-Yeah, yeah, I can do it.
-Want it loaded? I'll put one bullet in the chamber.
-I mean, that's all you'll need right? xD
-No problem! It was a pleasure doing business with you Sylvia!
-See you soon >:)
tried to do something different
kinda hard when i can only think about him
i wish i could sell my soul if i could just be happy with him again and make him smile
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
silence is golden
it lets you hide everything wrong with you
effort is tiring
let me sleep forever
not talking about your troubles lets you not have to deal with them
you can just be quiet and sad forever
if you've never had a conversation in your life
and you **** that up
it can hurt
even a perfect relationship can be broken by a cross word
or an incorrect one
so just don't talk
and you'll be all right
you won't be healthy
you won't be happy
but you'll be all right
one of them ****** up and now im paying the price
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2019
a melody that brings you joy
can bring you endless misery
i want you by my side~
so that i never feel alone again~
you used to love this song
so why did you ever stop listening to it?

they've always been so kind~
but now they've brought you away from here~
you usually think about what actions are being committed
as songs progress
like making your own music videos in your head
but you can't remember what happens in this story
i hope they didn’t get your mind~
your heart is too strong anyway~

you start to remember things  you thought about the song,
not much
but you remember that you thought of the "they" as yourself
or who you were
what does that mean?
we need to fetch back the time~
they have stolen from us~

and I want you~
we can bring it on the floor~
you’ve never danced like this before~
we don’t talk about it~
as the chorus hits
you find your face stained with tears
and you're crying
you're crying and you don't want to
you shouldn't
dancin' on do the boogie all night long~
****** in paradise, shouldn’t talk about it~

coldest winter for me~
no sun is shining anymore~
as the bumpy chorus smoothed down
you tried to contain yourself
you heard them calling your name through your door
but you ignored them as you listened through your headphones

the only thing I feel is pain~
caused by absence of you~
those words cut deep
they felt directed at you
obviously, they weren't
but you tend to lose your reasoning
during your emotional bouts
suspense is controlling my mind~
i cannot find the way out of here~

your childish crying began to die down
but you found yourself getting no happier
you tried to form words to your friend
who had been calling your name since this began
but you couldn't even talk
you couldn't even tell him
all you could do was sit there and listen
and realize that you still have alot of work to do

i want you by my side~
so that I never feel alone again~
bless you, Milky Chance, your song made me feel something again. lets hope next time its something a little more fun
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
I see a stranger
Wandering towards me
I try to get away
But I'm frozen in my tracks
Is he holding me there
Or am I parazlysed?

I see a stranger
Grasping towards me
He takes me into his embrace
Hugging me so hard
It hurts
Why is he hurting me?

I see a stranger
Crying into me
His tears burn like acid
"Please stop" I whisper
But he just keeps crying
Why is he crying if he doesn't care?

I see a stranger
Slashing into me
He cuts and he cuts
Still streaming painful sobs
Why is he crying still
If he wants me hurt?

I whimper "Why?"
And he looks into me
I stare back into him
I see my own eyes
Nothing more
Much less
im working against myself
without even knowing it
but it helps in some cruel way
i might as well keep writing about myself
since they dont want to anymore
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2018
there's a line down the middle of my soul
sometimes i travel to its meeting point
i'm not sure why
but i do it anyway

i walk past the white leaves and pristine grasses of my side
and take a seat under the grey cherry blossom
and upon the grey circle which formed
when my spirit split in two

i see her moving from the black side
she comes here too, from her sullied home
i'm not sure why
but she does it anyway

she steps through the dark sludge
also bringing herself to this middle patch
the ooze stains it's grass before immediately clearing
blossoms falling to cover it's terrible corruption

sitting there with our backs to the tree
staring out into our own separate worlds
she speaks to me
"Do you still think you're the good person here?"

i growl under my breath
who does this disgusting creature think she is?
of course i am, of course i do
and my wordless response is certainly understood

"Can't say I expected much else. You really wanna stay like this forever?"
my anger simply melts into boredom with this
"of course i don't. why would i?"
she laughs at me

"Because you seem to be the one keeping this mess going."
suddenly, without even myself expecting it
i snap, turning around to see her lounging against the bark
"why? because i won't willingly let you and your sick ways back into my mind?!"

she pauses for a moment
almost looking sad, a frown barely visible on her misshapen face
she turns her head to the side and opens those broken eyes
and cracks a cocky, stomach churning grin

"You really don't get it, do you?
We did that stuff, not me. We're equally guilty, missy.
Sooner you accept that, sooner this mess gets cleaned up.
Cause all banishing me does is keep you from feeling whole again."

i say nothing
she turns around and loses the smile once more
before standing up and walking away
taking her disgusting form and her wrong words back into her hellscape

hopefully she doesn't come back again
I'll come back
Because I want things to be different this time
2017 was a mess
2018 was messier
All because of my mistakes
I'll make sure 2019 is different
That's a promise to myself
Because I'm the not the same person that I used to be
I promise, whatever that's worth anymore
Sylvia Fénix Feb 2018
Can't outrun the sunrise
Can't deny the sunset
Won't cry if the light dies
Won't care if their eyes met

Sunk under bleak skies
Fallen down, broke and wet
Can't bother with whos and whys
Won't die just yet

Won't drop with my lies
Can't bother, but I'd bet
I could've felt true highs
If I had only read the set

Will throw away my cries
Will have the courage to instalock Zet
Can redo all my tries
Can wish for better, and it's what I'll get
funny how this emotional ****  came from a gun in a video game
then again my online name is often Bullet, so maybe it's fitting
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
sylvia, oh sylvia
i see you walking down the road
never looking back
but oh! you turn your head
and stare at the mistakes in your footsteps
sweet sweet sylvia
why are you so foolish?

sylvia, oh sylvia
i see you laughing with your friends
not a care in the world
but hark! your smile fades
and his remembered smile glistens in your eye
dear young sylvia
why are you so sad?

sylvia, oh sylvia
i see you crying into your pillow
venting your issues
but hold! you pull your stolen knife
and carve that sodden name into your wing
god ****** sylvia
why are you such an idiot?
i still hurt
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
It must be hard
Knowing that death is around the corner
and still putting on a brave face
for those who look up to you

I'm at a loss for words
I didn't expect the news
I would have if I'd kept up
but it just sorta creeped up on me

You inspired me, John
You inspired a lot of people
Changed a lot of lives
and right now my struggles seem so far away
and in this state
im crying

it wont effect me much
later down the line
not like it will his wife
his close friends
i didnt know him, i was just
another viewer
but he entertained me
inspired me
and im crying
ill miss you John
i hope heaven is real
so you'll still be able
to critique framerates from beyond
you crazy amazing *******
Yesterday, Youtuber and Critic John "Totalbiscuit" Bain passed away  after a 4-Year long battle against Bowel Cancer. I was a huge fan and his content and personality always inspired me to be more critical and to not take *******, as well as lending to my sense of humour that's kept me going through thick and thin. He will be missed dearly by all those he inspired and taught.
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