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1.2k · Jun 2018
reap
Sylvia Fénix Jun 2018
It wades down the end
From upon the hill, it descends
In it's raggedy, misshapen claw it desperately
clutches a tool,
or a weapon
The scythe sways idly from left
toward right
Brushing along the tips of
the field's innocent leafgreen, darkened
by the dusk of the night
Through the stealth, it's entire form is
blackened. Hidden from me

An occasional glimmer of moonlight
glances my eye, reflected from it's iron blade
It beams infrequently across it's figure
allowing me to spy it's features
Pinhole eyes, a dark but somehow bright white
gazing right through me as I into it
It's mouth was stitched up, but smirking toward me
fabric lips stained with crimson betrayal
I smile at the symbolism and accept
I feel a sharpness drawl against the flesh
below my chin
The movements holding the same creeping terror
But I stay unafraid
I close my eyes
I make my peace
I right my wrongs
I ready myself for the reaping

But then my eyes are open
And the field is bright
Daylight shone upon the roses and the daisies
with the foliage inbetween blazing green
For a moment I theorize a dream
That the encroaching monster
was simply an unconscious figment
But as my hand ghosted my neck
and felt light scaring over it's delicacy
My ideas drift towards the reason
why that thing left me standing

From across this strange place I see
perched upon a simple, smiling scarecrow
a bat
usually, this would be quite the worrying situation
especially as he was staring directly at me
But I could only smile at the black-winged one
And wave my own wing in it's direction
Turning around, I began to make my way elsewhere
In whichever direction destiny would push me next
Weightless, feeling free of my hand-crafted shackles
The cage I designed for myself broken
And you know what?
As I left that field

I think the bat might have smiled back
new chapter boyes and gorls
lets see where it takes us
581 · Dec 2017
my new years grieve
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
it's strange how my year
my life
can go to my highest peaks and deepest oceans
in the span of mere moments

but hey
its the new year now
and everything can be forgotten
discarded
left behind

and be replaced with new wishes
new heartbreak
new pain
and just maybe
new beginnings
maybe this year, ill be happy again

ha
403 · Nov 2019
delirium
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2019
rushing panic
nothings clear
i grab the glass
just like they fear
drag it across me, its done
the only thing that stops me feeling numb

its just my short term solution,
an impure example of retribution
i know i need to stop thinkingg like this but i thiink hes seeing someone now and it tears me apart just thinking about it
388 · Dec 2017
We'll Own the World
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
We're tough cookies, you and I
You more than me, but we have our own strengths
We'll use them to win
We're very similar, you and I
We have our oddities, but difference is the flavor of love
We'll use it to beat them
We both know
You know more, I know less, but our knowledge spans across all
We'll use it to own the world
We won't own companies
We won't own properties
I doubt we'll have a cent to our names
But we'll still own the world
We can lay in the middle of the street at the dead of night
Drunk on a stolen liquor and high on whatever's in sight
We can laugh as cars swerve to avoid us
Making guesses on what colour the next careening vehicle will be
Maybe we die on that road
Maybe we get chased off by the pigs
Maybe we just fall asleep and wake up sprawled over each other
Either way, we'll still be laughing
Every time the universe deals its cards
When the galaxy thinks it can read our poker faces
We'll go all in and tell it to come back when it can take us down
Then laugh and taunt our way toward our next troubled path
We'll blaze every trail
We'll walk every road
We'll beat every trial
We'll play every mode
We'll own the world
i love him the most
384 · Dec 2017
I don't wanna be me anymore
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
I don't wanna be me anymore
Crashing out the front door
Make my way into school
Act like the fool
Spend my time thinking how to be wittier
I don't wanna be me anymore
Researching video game lore
Calling up every friend
So we can we argue and contend
On which backstory is *******
I don't wanna be me anymore
Face down on the floor
Covered in red
Hoping I am dead
Then getting up somehow feeling guiltier
It'd be a simple case
I'd change without a trace
New grace
New place
New face
And as I'd ride the train
I'd think I was sane
Thinking I'd evaded my emotions, my pain
But at the end of it all, this new person is me
And I'd start all over again
i dont really know what i want to be
340 · Dec 2017
What Did i do
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
What would you do
Stumbling across a broken teddy bear
Hiding it's torn coat and leaking fluff
With a sense of purpose
And a carved in smile
Would you take it home and chuck it aside
"It's already ruined beyond repair"
Or would you embrace them
And tell them with a equally faked grin
that "Everything will be okay"

What would you do
Laying in someone elses bed
Someone who loves you
Asking you to leave behind
The one thing keeping you pure
Would you jump at the chance
"That's all you'd be good for anyway."
Or would you wrap your arms around them
And tell them through caring tears
that "I'm just not ready yet."

What would you do
Sitting in the back of a truck
Everyone ignorant to you both
Wrapping your arms around their shoulder
And them pulling away
Would you force them into a hug
"Don't struggle."
Or would you give them space
And think through worried thoughts
that "They don't love me anymore."

What would you do
Sitting alone in your house
Stumbling across trauma syndrome coping
And the type they used to control their life again
Would you brush it aside
"They just need to grow up."
Or would you sit there crying and shaking
Wondering through loving panic
"Did I use use him?"
"Did I use his coping?"
"Did I manipulate him without even seeing it"
"Does he hate me for it"
"I didnt mean to."
"I love him too much."
"he doesnt have to be hurt anymore"
"i shouldve done better"
"icandobetter"
"imsorry"
imsosorry
ive been worrying about this for almost a week and i cant think of another way to get it across. i know he'll read it and i just hope the point gets across. im sorry for being like this darling.
327 · Feb 2018
My love
Sylvia Fénix Feb 2018
I know I overlook you
I know I undermine you
I know sometimes I can be uncaring
But I'm glad you never forgot
How much you mean to me

You're the world
Even though you feel so far away
I always know you're only a few seconds from me
Just one tap
Just one click

And you'll always be there
Never going
Never straying
I'm good enough for you
Even if I can't be there

But we get by
We use age-old language as we mimic
Imagining the other's touch with words
Using adjectives to remind me of your features
And verbs while I blush

We go so well together
The posh dame
And the muscled heroic
Like cheese and fine wine
We'll age perfectly side-by-side

You make me smile
And you always brighten up my day
When the clouds of painful woe
Surround
You make sure to drive them gone

I would've died last year if you weren't there
You dragged me through most of it kicking and screaming
And you were there to pick me up
When it all went wrong at the finish line
And carried me to the afterparty in your strong arms

I've not got much else to say
And I know you don't like this holiday
But I do
And I just hope this is enough of a gift
To show how much I love you
you've never wavered in love to me and i could never ask for a better man to take me into 2018 and i just hope this is the year i get to see you properly
326 · Apr 2018
sellyoursoul.com
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2018
NEW MESSAGE

-Hey there!
-So, looking to sell your soul?
...
-Great! Well let's get started!
-Let me guess, you wanna go back and change something?
...
-Well you look extremely depressed, just figured.
...
-Don't worry about that! We're trying to make a deal here, aren't we?
-Alright, so what is it you want to change?
-Wait, don't tell me, I want to guess!
...
-Hey, I'm changing your life here, let me have a little fun! Now let's see.
-Oh my, so many chances to choose from! You've got lots of regrets, don't you?
...
-That time you lost two friends online.
...
-All those missed kills in Dota, ha!
...!
-And that relationship you had.

NEW MESSAGE

-Hey, you still there?
-Did I strike a nerve?
-Is that what you wanted to change?
...
-Well then, we've made progress!
-So where do you wanna go back to? Again, so many chances.
-You really were ****** to him so we aren't strapped for choice.
...
-Sorry, sorry. True though, you'll need to choose.
-There's when you first started, that first beautiful month.
-Maybe just before you lied? What about when you directly talked to him in a "different personality"?
...
-I know it's a lie, that's all you ever did, wasn't it?
...
-You still lied.
-Changing it wouldn't change the fact you lied, y'know.
-You'd still have to live with it.
-Like a little mini lie! :P
...
-You'll never forget it, I don't think.
-And isn't going back and changing things sorta like lying?
...
-It is.
-Y'know for someone who wants to change their lies you really enjoy lying to yourself.
-All those times you keep telling yourself there's a chance.
-Whenever you imagine you both getting back together and being happy.
-But you know they're lies, just like he did.
-After all, you're here, aren't you?
...
-Okay, I'll wait :D

NEW MESSAGE

...
-Oh? You've changed your mind?
-A gun? A little lackluster for selling your soul, isn't it?
...!
-Yeah, yeah, I can do it.
-Want it loaded? I'll put one bullet in the chamber.
-I mean, that's all you'll need right? xD
...
-No problem! It was a pleasure doing business with you Sylvia!
-See you soon >:)
tried to do something different
kinda hard when i can only think about him
i wish i could sell my soul if i could just be happy with him again and make him smile
325 · Mar 2018
haze
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
pain is the only way i can feel anymore
ever since i ruined his life
and i destroyed mine

darkness surrounds my form
im engulfed in black night

then i see
him
he smiles
at me
and i
smile back
things are
good
for once

we lie
in my bed
im crying
he tells me
he has
confidence
that i deserve
another chance
then he
worries
forgets

the memories
are hazy
but i rememeber
one thing
he said
when he was
forgetting
"You're someone
who's important"
i was happy as
we lied there
in my bed

another time
we're at a fair
a school fair
i think
we're having
the time of
our lives
laughing
about samples
stealing
drinks and
doughnuts

neither
of us care
we were
having fun
together again

there was
a third time
my memory
on it is
awful, but
it was me
with him
and life
felt worth
it again

then i jolt upward
im in my bed and everything becomes true again
reality hits me like a ***** and i start to cry again
i feel it again, the pain of my lies
im left there alone again because of it
and im crying again
ive dreamt about him three times in a row
it hurts
324 · Apr 2018
what's pain
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2018
is pain the rush in your heart
as the blade runs across your arm?
is it the agony in your wrist
through the moments of fleeting calm?
the aches, the breaks, the shakes
are these examples of harm?

pain is the rush in your heart
when you see him convulsing
it is the hurt in your soul
when he now hates you, your tears pulsing
the lies, the cries, the whys
its all my own fault
i wish i could repent
303 · Apr 2018
character selection
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2018
I always wondered
which of them I
thought of myself as
After all
inspiration is a very
powerful thing and I've
only had myself for
quite a while

Maybe I'm Accalia,
the fun loving wolf-girl
with a heart of gold and
fire in her eyes
no
im nothing but a
cold heart and
there's nothing in
my gray eyes

What about Hyperia
the emotional teenager
with care and love
behind cold shoulders
no
my emotions were lies
and my care and love
were eclipsed by my
lies

no
i know who i am
Chrimson
the liar
the bloodied
the one who acts so cool and mysterious
but she hides the truth
the tears and the
blood

only difference is that she knows what she's doing
but me and her are still hurting
she can make things right
that remains to be seen
in my case
but with all this ive seen
it must've always been obvious
that i was Chrimson
i dont even want to write my book anymore

i dont deserve to be a writer
292 · Mar 2018
forever depressed
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
i gave up on god about a decade ago now
from such a young age i saw hopelessness
i didnt understand it, but i could tell nothing
was worth the effort
as life meandered on
i saw death
i saw pain
through the shameless media i saw
how painful existence was
and without realizing, it jaded me

pain is all i can feel anymore
i never felt happiness
dread doesnt phase me
my old worries that im wasting time
i wish i could worry anymore
that something other than him could matter to
me

my lover says we should take a break
because he can tell how much i still love him
but i can sense a more
cynical truth behind his words
im hurting him
it hurts to see his girlfriend obsess over someone else
someone whos hurting her
the one she pierces flesh for
my friends dont stop telling me how
much they care
how they want me to stop
i wish i could still care
i wish their words could pierce my brain
but it doesnt

i gave up on myself sixteen years ago
and the only one who made me feel anything
gave up when i let myself hope again
my life is caving me in and I don't know who else can save me but him
283 · May 2018
The Cynical Brit
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
It must be hard
Knowing that death is around the corner
and still putting on a brave face
for those who look up to you

I'm at a loss for words
I didn't expect the news
I would have if I'd kept up
but it just sorta creeped up on me

You inspired me, John
You inspired a lot of people
Changed a lot of lives
and right now my struggles seem so far away
and in this state
im crying

it wont effect me much
later down the line
not like it will his wife
his close friends
i didnt know him, i was just
another viewer
but he entertained me
inspired me
and im crying
ill miss you John
i hope heaven is real
so you'll still be able
to critique framerates from beyond
you crazy amazing *******
Yesterday, Youtuber and Critic John "Totalbiscuit" Bain passed away  after a 4-Year long battle against Bowel Cancer. I was a huge fan and his content and personality always inspired me to be more critical and to not take *******, as well as lending to my sense of humour that's kept me going through thick and thin. He will be missed dearly by all those he inspired and taught.
281 · Apr 2019
makebelieve
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2019
the glass shows a me that isnt
a someone else who im pretending to be
the clothes im wearing
metaphorically stolen off anothers back
the hair im sporting
fake and unnatural, masquerading

but despite how disgusting it feels in my mind, im happy
its nice to play dress up without hurting anyone
cosplaying feels really nice and i still dont really know why
275 · Dec 2017
Impact
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
A bolt fizzled through the sky, sundering heaven apart
Impact through it's perfect clouds
There was commotion, there was chaos
God-bound beings rushing to safety
Guardians trying their damnedest to save those behind their gates

But through it all stood a single winged one
Were they in trouble?
Did they cause this?
Nobody knew
Not even him

Through the smoke and mirrors which lay strewn across the sky
Shot a crashing meteor
Tumbling through the sky into this lone angel

But when they touched, it's wings unfurled
And the meteor took form
Into that of a burning bird
The Phoenix rose from the impact

The angel mounted himself upon it's back
And in their own smoke, they vanished from heaven
Never to be witness to a perfect world again
him and i, me and him
273 · Jan 2018
needed
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
Her smile dissipated and her tears ceased flow.
She was refocused.
Her right arm bleeding all over, Chrimson moved her other hand
She fell
Her head colliding with the chilled floor
It didn't hurt.
Raised her arm to the sky, deathly solemn her face was
Her weaponry pressed the flesh
Her mangled arms somewhat symmetrical
Gazing at the glazing of her appendage, she felt not happy
Not glad
But she felt justice.
This was what she deserved. What her sins had bought her.
What she needed.
An edited passage from one of my recent narrative pieces.
I thought it good to put here among my other writings.
Things are getting better on my end.
265 · Dec 2017
Unreal
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
Fleeting dreams lost in time
Thought always I'd be alone
Spent all time my time wondering what its like to have friends
Apart from the ones I made or the ones in my head
But then when people like me, spend time with me
Love me
It doesn't feel real
Too good or too fake, it isn't describable
Knowing every day I'll forget another trauma
Knowing I'll always remember you
its nice
258 · Mar 2018
broken wings
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
Pain doesn't fade
Lingering for a decade
Things that aren't there anymore
Phantom limbs aching
Unreal pain torturing
That day you lost everything
Your inspiring life crashing down
Sinking on top of you
Because you overlooked the situation

Smoking cigars
With your new arm
Though no matter how much you try
You still feel that phantom pain
From what you had, but lost
You'll build it up again
Recreate that empire
I wish I could too, Venom
I wish I could take my life back too
Make it how it was again too

You never expected to see her again, did you?
You thought she died in that sea
We all did
But as we both heard those words
They hurt you
But they destroyed me
"Dissociative Identity Disorder-"
"The doctor's are sure she's not faking it."

I tell myself it's just a game
That it doesn't matter
But the words
They cut into me
They won't let me escape the things I've done
Everywhere I go I'm reminded
And I thought this would let me be happy
For a moment
But even your story makes me remember, Venom
We're both demons
But you're not a liar
I'm much more deserving of that horn
Metal Gear Solid V is a great game and it's keeping my mind off everything but the Paz stuff hurt me. Of all the storylines in all the games I could've played I find the one that reminds me of how badly I ****** everything up. At least Snake probably gets to fix everything at the end of his story.
254 · Mar 2018
sylvia, oh sylvia
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
sylvia, oh sylvia
i see you walking down the road
never looking back
but oh! you turn your head
and stare at the mistakes in your footsteps
sweet sweet sylvia
why are you so foolish?

sylvia, oh sylvia
i see you laughing with your friends
not a care in the world
but hark! your smile fades
and his remembered smile glistens in your eye
dear young sylvia
why are you so sad?

sylvia, oh sylvia
i see you crying into your pillow
venting your issues
but hold! you pull your stolen knife
and carve that sodden name into your wing
god ****** sylvia
why are you such an idiot?
i still hurt
230 · May 2018
not a waffle, not a muffin
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
you
how the hell do i talk about you
im not sure
and im worried because you
you could be reading this
you probably wont
but theres always that chance
and im worried about what to say
when you might actually read it
and confront me

i think you're nice
a bit of a bland comment
but if you do see this
you already know that i think that
so it wont shock you
or make you question me
but im taking my life in a
new direction
so instead of being a coward
how about i say some other things

i think you're pretty
you probably know that too
but that was alot harder to write
because it could reveal
other intents
the other things i want to say
but instead of mere compliments
how about something else

i get upset when we dont interact
this might not make much sense
but whenever we dont play together
or talk with eachother
or maybe when i see you with someone
else
it upsets me
because i wish it could be me instead
but it goes a little further than that
so how about i tell you more

your words mean so much to me
i tell you this, but i dont think you
understand what i mean
whenever i'd be upset at something
your calming positives brought me back
and if i was ******* or being ******
your words would set me straight

i know it seems like im falling
but we havent had a proper conversation
in quite some time
but im trying
im trying my absolute hardest
for you
for everyone
and while changing my name
dressing different, all that ****
is part of my change
im trying to be more honest
more genuine
to show everyone that
im still the person they thought i was

if i told you that i was in love with you
what would you think?

not some stupid crush
not just a hunch of care

if i told you i wanted to give you everything
that i wanted to be with you forever
not just because im scared of being alone
or to try and put other things behind me

if i asked you to be with me
how would you react?

we cant see eachother
without difficulty, i know
but we get along so well
when we actually get to talk
we laugh
we laugh more
we laugh so much that
we drive everyone away so
we can laugh some more
i might just be an idiot
a delusional freak
but i cant help but think

if you knew all of this
what would you tell me?
what is wrong with me
226 · Dec 2017
What I Need
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
I don't need a big house or an expensive car
I just need a hand to hold and a sunlight road to walk it down
I don't need a doctor or a therapist
I just need a nice pair of ******* and someone to put them onto me
I don't need medication or anti-depressants
I just need a computer and a reason to put in the password
I don't need God
I don't need aid
I don't need reason
All I need is you
And to know that you think the same
ill try my best for you
221 · Dec 2017
When You Die
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
Where will you go when you die?
A mantle, a grave, the sky kingdom God gave?
Where will I go when you die?
A city, a town, a bar where I'll drown?
What will happen to you when you die?
Burial, ashes, left dissected with gashes?
What will happen to me when you die?
A cut, a drink, crying near the brink?
I know it sounds selfish
Talking about myself here
But we're inseparable
And I have a feeling death won't stop that
Not for long anyway
im probably too attached
219 · Dec 2018
sundered
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2018
there's a line down the middle of my soul
sometimes i travel to its meeting point
i'm not sure why
but i do it anyway

i walk past the white leaves and pristine grasses of my side
and take a seat under the grey cherry blossom
and upon the grey circle which formed
when my spirit split in two

i see her moving from the black side
she comes here too, from her sullied home
i'm not sure why
but she does it anyway

she steps through the dark sludge
also bringing herself to this middle patch
the ooze stains it's grass before immediately clearing
blossoms falling to cover it's terrible corruption

sitting there with our backs to the tree
staring out into our own separate worlds
she speaks to me
"Do you still think you're the good person here?"

i growl under my breath
who does this disgusting creature think she is?
of course i am, of course i do
and my wordless response is certainly understood

"Can't say I expected much else. You really wanna stay like this forever?"
my anger simply melts into boredom with this
"of course i don't. why would i?"
she laughs at me

"Because you seem to be the one keeping this mess going."
suddenly, without even myself expecting it
i snap, turning around to see her lounging against the bark
"why? because i won't willingly let you and your sick ways back into my mind?!"

she pauses for a moment
almost looking sad, a frown barely visible on her misshapen face
she turns her head to the side and opens those broken eyes
and cracks a cocky, stomach churning grin

"You really don't get it, do you?
We did that stuff, not me. We're equally guilty, missy.
Sooner you accept that, sooner this mess gets cleaned up.
Cause all banishing me does is keep you from feeling whole again."

i say nothing
she turns around and loses the smile once more
before standing up and walking away
taking her disgusting form and her wrong words back into her hellscape

hopefully she doesn't come back again
I'll come back
Because I want things to be different this time
2017 was a mess
2018 was messier
All because of my mistakes
I'll make sure 2019 is different
That's a promise to myself
Because I'm the not the same person that I used to be
I promise, whatever that's worth anymore
214 · May 2018
I dreamt again
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
I dreamt again
About him, again
Of course I did
But this one was different
So much different
And so much more painful

It went on for what felt like hours
And it felt so real
You could play it back to me
And I'd swear it was an
Actual occurrence
Apart from the details

We talked
Me and him
We were in a small room
We have those in our school
And I gave him everything
My most heartfelt apology
I cried my sorries into
Him
And after some questioning
He accepted them
That second chance to prove
That I'm worthy of being his lover
The chance I'd been wishing for since
Valentines
He gave me that
And I didn't hurt him again

It's strange
I've had amazing dreams
Otherworldly dreams
Done things only ever possible
Within the dreamscape
But this
Two hours of a regular schoolday
Was the best dream I've ever had

We were smiling at eachother
Joking around
Laughing, leaning, hugging
All the things we did before
The best two hours this year
And even when I awoke
I was convinced it was a memory
And not a wish
i know these dreams are just me being wishful
but it gives me something to strive for, i guess
210 · Jan 2018
eighty-six
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
she'll walk down the street
her heels will tap against the sleet
she'll strap up her coat
feeling something on her throat
first a cough, then a spluter
for a moment, her heart will go flutter
mere seconds after she will throw up her blood
feeling somehow, left in the mud
and as she'll see them, feeling herself deign
there will be a click, a bang, and out will fly her brain
these make it easier to deal with the
far more intense feelings i get
in the more stressful moments
205 · Sep 2019
forbidden
Sylvia Fénix Sep 2019
There's a matchstick burning at the bottom of the ocean
Though it seems unfathomable, by all means, it's true
This tiny flame sparks and rages underneath the riverbed
Defying reality as it flares and spits at the codfish below

But as you'd expect, this hot stick isn't so bright anymore
The light, ravaged and eroded by wear and tare
A blaze brought down by time and circumstance
Perhaps someday it shall understand it's own charade

Splitting headaches, my brain acts in two halves
One side calculated and contemplative, the other impulsive and unrefined
One of them assures me that I shouldn't have jumped, that it was a mistake
The other only tells me I should've dived deeper

And I'm not sure which is telling me what.
feelings are hard
202 · Dec 2017
ignoble
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
wandering the endless void
where are they
who are they
who are you
a name
its what you've been searching for
killing for
a name is a prized possession
but it only matters if people remember it
knowing theres a reason for every soul you take
every innocent you decimate
its not mindless
not like you
theres method to your madness
you hide behind a mask of shattered memories
trying to find them
trying to earn them from someone higher up than yourself
you try
but thoughts they wont spare
they will never care
its all i know
shadowy daggers pierce my skin
201 · Dec 2017
I LOVE YOU
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
we're so alike
yet we're so apart
but you're an angel and i'm a phoenix
we've got forever to figure it out
forever
196 · Jan 2018
Stranger
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
I see a stranger
Wandering towards me
I try to get away
But I'm frozen in my tracks
Is he holding me there
Or am I parazlysed?

I see a stranger
Grasping towards me
He takes me into his embrace
Hugging me so hard
It hurts
Why is he hurting me?

I see a stranger
Crying into me
His tears burn like acid
"Please stop" I whisper
But he just keeps crying
Why is he crying if he doesn't care?

I see a stranger
Slashing into me
He cuts and he cuts
Still streaming painful sobs
Why is he crying still
If he wants me hurt?

I whimper "Why?"
And he looks into me
I stare back into him
I see my own eyes
Nothing more
Much less
im working against myself
without even knowing it
but it helps in some cruel way
i might as well keep writing about myself
since they dont want to anymore
192 · Dec 2017
fix me
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
am i aging or am i past my time
the tools to make me better aren't here
am i an advanced prototype
or am i an old pile of outdated gears
my wires rust from time to time
unable to move them
and my processor is a mess
it shorts out and i boot up somewhere else
my cooling must be bust from how hot i get around you
whats wrong with me
where did it all go so wrong
blurry rendering
is it my eyes or my graphics card
is my sorrow programmed or am i really feeling
fix me
i know you can't
but please try
i can't run like this anymore
i've been pressing sleep for far too long
and its too late for a restart
update or shut down
hello world
191 · Dec 2017
silent
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
silence is golden
it lets you hide everything wrong with you
effort is tiring
let me sleep forever
not talking about your troubles lets you not have to deal with them
you can just be quiet and sad forever
if you've never had a conversation in your life
and you **** that up
it can hurt
even a perfect relationship can be broken by a cross word
or an incorrect one
so just don't talk
and you'll be all right
you won't be healthy
you won't be happy
but you'll be all right
one of them ****** up and now im paying the price
188 · Mar 2018
my old friend Con'
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
I had a friend long ago
Let's call him "Con''"
Con' was a weird one
He would show up unannounced
Try and encourage me to do things
"Hey, go ask that girl out!"
"Hey, you should go talk to them!"
We were different, Con' and I
But I liked having him around

Now our friendship wasn't perfect
We had our fallouts
And disagreement was the usual between us
But he always stuck around
He knew I needed him around
Even though I often thought otherwise
Con was a strange one to me

He'd always be laughing with strangers in pubs
Or chatting with my friends when I was
too scared to get their attentions myself
And when I asked my crush out?
'Con found my afterward to cheer for me
"You told him? I knew you could do it!"
Too bad we grew apart after that

Being with my boyfriend
I didn't think I needed 'Con anymore
But after months, after the breakup, after the heartbreak
I needed old 'Con back more than ever
But he was nowhere to be found
I called everyone I knew, nobody had seen him
I didn't know what to do without my friend 'Con

I found him
eventually, I mean
Took some effort, but we're buddies again
Building up what we once had
Working out how to tackle my life once again
And I know one day
When I'm standing in front of the person I love
Whoever that may be, my ex, or a new heart,
I know that 'Con will be there for me
Even though I gave up on him
Even though I thought I didn't need him
He'll be there,
My old friend Confidence
just some stupid little thing while i get my life back on track
184 · Dec 2017
callo
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
love is foreign from me
i felt it for all but received smatterings in return
they were too far away
she was too different
but my new addiction is perfect
they were too hot
she was too cold
but this one is just right
he makes me so happy
hes close
hes warm
he makes me feel bubbly
visions of him fill my psyche when my reality isn't real
and its amazing
im high on love and i won't come down 'til i fall to my death
and it'll be wonderful
we're so similar
every joke we say in tandem silently before we speak
we are connected by fates merciful loom
when i cry about her he listens
and its amazing
but when he cries he doesn't want me near
and it makes me cry harder
but every time he says not to be close
he tells me he loves me
and im back on my high
hes my drug
what kind i dont care
if hes my perscription i want to be a good girl and obey the doctor
if hes a street narcotic i want to jam the needle in and apply forever
no matter what i know hes good
i dont care what he did
i know what he is
hes hurt and scarred and full of sorrow stories
just like me
we're perfect together
i make him laugh
he makes me cry
vice versa
he makes me feel and i wouldn't ask for anything else
i love him
im the happiest sad in the world
159 · May 2018
venesection
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
cleansing
its an important step
in retrial
and its one ive been rather
caught up in

i cant better myself
without a clean body
and i wont be better
with traitor blood
coursing through my
metamorphic veins

dont you fret
ill be sure to expel
this viscous goo
as well as my
shaking hands will
let me

because im NOT a coward
ill be taking a big step soon
and i want my body pure for it
155 · Jan 2018
i want a dress
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
i want a dress
one i can wear over my insecurities
a dress that makes me feel special
i want it long to cover my shame
and black to make people think im mysterious
a dress that makes me feel wanted
im too imprisoned to buy it
and i might be too shy to wear it
but i want my dress
to make me feel different
to make me feel loved
to make me feel freed
so please let me have a dress
its what i need
152 · Apr 2018
i should've known
Sylvia Fénix Apr 2018
i looked into his eyes
and told him i loved him
i looked into his eyes
and told him that he was the most important thing in my life
i looked into his eyes
and told him id do anything for him
i looked into his eyes
and told him he could trust me

even if what i said then was true
after the lying
how could i expect him
to believe anything
i said
i didnt lie about much
but it was enough to hurt him
he wrote a poem about me on here
i found it
title and description changed to forget me
good
i am a lying *******
his other poems should've told me that he knew and that i was hurting him
149 · Feb 2018
Sunrise, Sunset
Sylvia Fénix Feb 2018
Can't outrun the sunrise
Can't deny the sunset
Won't cry if the light dies
Won't care if their eyes met

Sunk under bleak skies
Fallen down, broke and wet
Can't bother with whos and whys
Won't die just yet

Won't drop with my lies
Can't bother, but I'd bet
I could've felt true highs
If I had only read the set

Will throw away my cries
Will have the courage to instalock Zet
Can redo all my tries
Can wish for better, and it's what I'll get
funny how this emotional ****  came from a gun in a video game
then again my online name is often Bullet, so maybe it's fitting
139 · Dec 2017
out of order
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
im sorry if i make you sad
ill use your tears to clean
the gunk clogging the gears
of my heart
so maybe
i can make you happy again
i know you'll always love me
134 · Jan 2018
I'll change
Sylvia Fénix Jan 2018
It's funny
A week ago was my lowest moment
My darkest hour
And now I'm in my most defining days
My redemption arc

Happiness comes from within
Something someone once told me
Something I once ignored
I thought happiness could come from that someone
Something was definitely wrong

It pains me to think that
Being apart is my road to true beauty
That being away from love
Is the only way for progress
But the evidence isn't fake

It's strange
That being able to watch you walk away
And smiling at it
Shows that I'm getting better
So strange

Why am I doing this
Is it for me
For you
Or for the countless more people
Who apparently don't want me eviscerated

Its a new journey, I'm travelling
What my destination is, I'm not sure
But I know it'll be better
And I just hope you'll be there
To kiss me at the station

I can promise you that
"I'll get help"
"I'll be better"
Aren't words anymore
And you can finally see it

I'll change
You'll get space
You won't be chased
And I'll be able to smile
When you tell me no

All I need from you
Is to hear
"I love you"
I know it already, but reminders help me
Remember why I need to change

However long it takes
No matter what I have to do
If it's tough
If it's difficult
I'll pull through

Not just for you
But for myself too
And hell
The fact I even believe I can
Should tell you I'm ready to change
I can't sit here waiting for someone to fix me.
And I can't let that mindset drive him away again.
I want to be better
I don't want to be the depressive introvert anymore
I can get better
133 · Oct 2019
+
Sylvia Fénix Oct 2019
+
for a long time i felt chained in a basement somewhere
the faces of my captors hidden as i writhed against rusted shackles
they surrounded me with doctors, therapists, all the like
made me feel like there was something wrong with me
hell, maybe there actually might've been
but it wasn't what they were trying to cure

i was furiously dragged away from any chance of success
but not by a diagnosis or approximation
i was bullied into failure by those supposed to care for me
those who tried to "fix" me

they broke me as a child
i died pretty long ago, the candles in my soul
they went out maybe a decade ago
but im still here, trying my best to ignite them again
'cause most people i know havent even lit theirs yet
someone i used to be really close to just found out they're on the spectrum and they arent taking it too well
i really doubt they'll see this, but on the offchance: its not going to stop you, trust me

you're a talented ******* with more going on in that head than 95% of the dull ******* that will ever tell you that you won't amount to anythnig.

you wont disintegrate, you aren't stunted and you aren't a ****** savant, you're a **** good writer, an amazing artist and one of the most switched-on people ive ever met. we're just playing this ****** ******* game on a higher difficulty, bigger risk bigger reward yknow
126 · May 2018
conjecture
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
ive been thinking
about why
why i did what i did
not a justification
just a ******* reason
for why i ruined it all
and my new theory seems
to fit pretty well
and explains alot

all those times i cried about her
i was crying about you
even though i was her all along
i think she was meant to be you
at least after we became loves

all those times i worried about her
about her drug use
about her situation
all thos times i feared that i'd lose her
those tears were real
because they were for you
everything i cried about
they were all you
i just didnt know how to tell you
i was scared that you'd think my obsession
was weird
and that you'd hate me if you knew i was lying
look how that turned out, huh?
sorry
117 · Feb 2018
Phoenix
Sylvia Fénix Feb 2018
Rogue star
Soaring through the cosmos
Perfect as you are
Sinking into the endless
Spacial depths

Burning bright
No atmosphere
Immune to the blight
Of it's regular mortal
Counterparts

Soundless
Squawking into the universe
Travelling boundless
The galaxy cannot contain
Its needs

Flamed wings unfurl
Spreading light into
The sky
Feelings of love uncurl and
It's hopeful

The sunlit bird
Conveys into entire monologue
Without a word
It cries into the infinite
Waiting for an answer

It doesn't come
Not yet
This burning bird exists for all but itself
112 · Jan 31
piss
Sylvia Fénix Jan 31
music does tons for me
negative plus positive
it can be both a coping mechanism
and a right ******, innit?
music can make me feel good
or pull this damsel outta distress
but it can also remind me of the better times
or remind me of the songs that remind of me the good times

sometimes songs i really like can just become inaudible without testing my health
being fine just
one week
and then changing when i stroll into another bout of
the same state of emotion as always

maybe
you're gonna be the one who reminds me of the cider drink
the one that i throw down my gullet to forget the good times
i aint the sharpest tool in the shed
and the world has certainly rolled me

when im with you i feel like i could die
and that'd be alright
i just hope i get to meet you someday
i really like Neil Cicierega
109 · May 2018
About L
Sylvia Fénix May 2018
i know i overthink everything simple
and under-think the complex
but i dont know how to deal with things
in any other way
so in moments like these
situations like this
i dont know what to think
or what to do

i like you
you know that
but i feel like every friend
every hope
is slipping from me
like sand through my
deceitful hands
i dont want you gone too

is it simple?
are you just busy
maybe you just forget
or are you ignoring me?
am i being discarded
blanked
ill never know
because im too perturbed
to ask you myself
jesus christ i worry too much
98 · Mar 2019
stolen dance
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2019
a melody that brings you joy
can bring you endless misery
i want you by my side~
so that i never feel alone again~
you used to love this song
so why did you ever stop listening to it?

they've always been so kind~
but now they've brought you away from here~
you usually think about what actions are being committed
as songs progress
like making your own music videos in your head
but you can't remember what happens in this story
i hope they didn’t get your mind~
your heart is too strong anyway~

you start to remember things  you thought about the song,
not much
but you remember that you thought of the "they" as yourself
or who you were
what does that mean?
we need to fetch back the time~
they have stolen from us~

and I want you~
we can bring it on the floor~
you’ve never danced like this before~
we don’t talk about it~
as the chorus hits
you find your face stained with tears
and you're crying
you're crying and you don't want to
you shouldn't
dancin' on do the boogie all night long~
****** in paradise, shouldn’t talk about it~

coldest winter for me~
no sun is shining anymore~
as the bumpy chorus smoothed down
you tried to contain yourself
you heard them calling your name through your door
but you ignored them as you listened through your headphones

the only thing I feel is pain~
caused by absence of you~
those words cut deep
they felt directed at you
obviously, they weren't
but you tend to lose your reasoning
during your emotional bouts
suspense is controlling my mind~
i cannot find the way out of here~

your childish crying began to die down
but you found yourself getting no happier
you tried to form words to your friend
who had been calling your name since this began
but you couldn't even talk
you couldn't even tell him
coward
all you could do was sit there and listen
and realize that you still have alot of work to do

i want you by my side~
so that I never feel alone again~
bless you, Milky Chance, your song made me feel something again. lets hope next time its something a little more fun
92 · Dec 2019
oncoming zenith
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2019
alot can happen in a short space of time
though not much whatsoever can also take so long
and now i'm quickly approaching my prime
my biggest moment, mere weeks away
and i'm completely at a loss of what to do

this year was rough, to say the least
more than a couple relationships, all ending quite poorly
hell, one of them wasn't even my fault
but we're past that now, i think
the new scars are from scrapes, not self-harm
brawls, not body horror personal
you get the idea

it's almost funny
i taught myself to write because i was scared
i had a hard time speaking my mind
and it turns out, i was better at writing it instead
now, as i approach a vocal career
my writing becomes ever stagnant
ever-dwindling

all the paths will open soon
i've been locked down my entire life
behind guardian bars and self-closed cages
a containment breach, but i'm no anomaly
just a scared ***** who doesn't know what she wants to be
my 18th's about nineteen days away. feels like completing the tutorial in a poorly designed sandbox game. everythings possible, and i've got no idea what to do. we'll just wait and see, i guess.
91 · Nov 2019
phronemophobia
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2019
fermented fruits pass into me
it tastes like ****, but who cares
its not the worst, i guess

reality blurs, kinda
some things hazy, a couple in clarity
it hurts more and less, what kinda **** is that?

its gonna take a while to fix me
so while the mechanics on break  
how about i crack open a cold bottle of oil
and grease the gears something fierce?
ive started drinking
its aight
90 · Mar 2018
pondering
Sylvia Fénix Mar 2018
every night is the same in bed
lying
crying
dying
and looking back
looking forward too
i just wish i could fix it
fix my broken wings
fix my broken promises
fix my ******* life
it's not the fact i lost him that hurts
it's the fact i hurt him that's killing me
85 · Dec 2017
grand
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2017
when one only knows how to take
merely borrow instead of create
what does that make you
are you grand
do you deserve even a title
you can do anything
and use your strength to steal
intellect wasted
its all i know
79 · Aug 2019
adhereance
Sylvia Fénix Aug 2019
yknow those street lights?
where you press the button and wait for the stoplight
so cars stop and you may pass?
i actually stopped at one of those today

i stood there and waited for the light to flicker different
so that i may safely cross the road home
i know this sounds really meaningless
but it was actually quite something for me

i never stop at these lights
i run across the road as soon as my own chance shows itself
and i noticed lately that every time i did it
i'd find myself getting closer and closer to the cars each time

this is different
ive got a reason to keep going now
a genuine reason
and nothings gonna stop me now
im gonna be careful, for her.
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