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Sylvia Fénix Jan 31
music does tons for me
negative plus positive
it can be both a coping mechanism
and a right ******, innit?
music can make me feel good
or pull this damsel outta distress
but it can also remind me of the better times
or remind me of the songs that remind of me the good times

sometimes songs i really like can just become inaudible without testing my health
being fine just
one week
and then changing when i stroll into another bout of
the same state of emotion as always

maybe
you're gonna be the one who reminds me of the cider drink
the one that i throw down my gullet to forget the good times
i aint the sharpest tool in the shed
and the world has certainly rolled me

when im with you i feel like i could die
and that'd be alright
i just hope i get to meet you someday
i really like Neil Cicierega
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2019
ive rewritten this
countless times now
so **** it

this decade has been me just
******* up and improving
giving up on my abusive mother
******* up a relationship
discovering myself politically
******* up another relationship
discovering my sexuality
******* up another-
you get the point

lets leave the past behind
discard my sins with what ive lost
and keep the lessons ive gained
shedding my pathological skin
but holding onto the meat within

im not very good at ending things,
relationships, my own life, poems
but **** it all
this is my year now
my decade
my ******* time
im ****** up rn celebratin but i just knew i had to write something even though its 100% trash ****
Sylvia Fénix Dec 2019
alot can happen in a short space of time
though not much whatsoever can also take so long
and now i'm quickly approaching my prime
my biggest moment, mere weeks away
and i'm completely at a loss of what to do

this year was rough, to say the least
more than a couple relationships, all ending quite poorly
hell, one of them wasn't even my fault
but we're past that now, i think
the new scars are from scrapes, not self-harm
brawls, not body horror personal
you get the idea

it's almost funny
i taught myself to write because i was scared
i had a hard time speaking my mind
and it turns out, i was better at writing it instead
now, as i approach a vocal career
my writing becomes ever stagnant
ever-dwindling

all the paths will open soon
i've been locked down my entire life
behind guardian bars and self-closed cages
a containment breach, but i'm no anomaly
just a scared ***** who doesn't know what she wants to be
my 18th's about nineteen days away. feels like completing the tutorial in a poorly designed sandbox game. everythings possible, and i've got no idea what to do. we'll just wait and see, i guess.
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2019
rushing panic
nothings clear
i grab the glass
just like they fear
drag it across me, its done
the only thing that stops me feeling numb

its just my short term solution,
an impure example of retribution
i know i need to stop thinkingg like this but i thiink hes seeing someone now and it tears me apart just thinking about it
Sylvia Fénix Nov 2019
fermented fruits pass into me
it tastes like ****, but who cares
its not the worst, i guess

reality blurs, kinda
some things hazy, a couple in clarity
it hurts more and less, what kinda **** is that?

its gonna take a while to fix me
so while the mechanics on break  
how about i crack open a cold bottle of oil
and grease the gears something fierce?
ive started drinking
its aight
Sylvia Fénix Oct 2019
+
for a long time i felt chained in a basement somewhere
the faces of my captors hidden as i writhed against rusted shackles
they surrounded me with doctors, therapists, all the like
made me feel like there was something wrong with me
hell, maybe there actually might've been
but it wasn't what they were trying to cure

i was furiously dragged away from any chance of success
but not by a diagnosis or approximation
i was bullied into failure by those supposed to care for me
those who tried to "fix" me

they broke me as a child
i died pretty long ago, the candles in my soul
they went out maybe a decade ago
but im still here, trying my best to ignite them again
'cause most people i know havent even lit theirs yet
someone i used to be really close to just found out they're on the spectrum and they arent taking it too well
i really doubt they'll see this, but on the offchance: its not going to stop you, trust me

you're a talented ******* with more going on in that head than 95% of the dull ******* that will ever tell you that you won't amount to anythnig.

you wont disintegrate, you aren't stunted and you aren't a ****** savant, you're a **** good writer, an amazing artist and one of the most switched-on people ive ever met. we're just playing this ****** ******* game on a higher difficulty, bigger risk bigger reward yknow
Sylvia Fénix Sep 2019
There's a matchstick burning at the bottom of the ocean
Though it seems unfathomable, by all means, it's true
This tiny flame sparks and rages underneath the riverbed
Defying reality as it flares and spits at the codfish below

But as you'd expect, this hot stick isn't so bright anymore
The light, ravaged and eroded by wear and tare
A blaze brought down by time and circumstance
Perhaps someday it shall understand it's own charade

Splitting headaches, my brain acts in two halves
One side calculated and contemplative, the other impulsive and unrefined
One of them assures me that I shouldn't have jumped, that it was a mistake
The other only tells me I should've dived deeper

And I'm not sure which is telling me what.
feelings are hard
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