I found victory today
And I wanted nothing more than to tell you
Let you know of my show
Falling to my face and feeling my feet touch my helmet
I had it
She was out
And I wanted nothing more than to hug you
See your smile

I'm learning
But it'll be slow
And I'm trying
More than I ever have
And maybe one day we'll finally find victory
Together
Not in separate time

Everyone around us has fallen to a dreamless sleep
As our bodies intertwine
Looking like a puzzle gone wrong that only makes sense to us
Your frail body is full of power
And I can feel that
Every time you move to come closer
And your muscles ripple under my hands

Your lips shift along my neck
As my body slowly stirs from its lulled state
Our bodies shift to fit into their places
Getting closer until even air can't pass between us
Exploring each other without moving

Small pecks trail my right side
Waking me slowly
Until you meet my lips
Showing me passion
Then pulling away leaving me gasping
The first of many
Each one leaving me wanting more and more

I miss these times more than I should

The mosquito bites
will always be worth
the slowing of our
dilly dallied goodbyes.

You can't get rid of me that easy LW

I listened
And through the third space I was there
Holding you
Telling you that you're going to be okay
That my tears will dry

I listened
As she told you to stop contacting me
And told you of the things I'd done
How you should listen to your father

I listened
As you tried to stay calm
And I stayed silent

I wanted to scream out for her to stop
That I would leave you alone if it made her happy
I wanted to tell her it was over
That you would be okay

I listened
As the aftermath of my breakout fell to you
Making you defensive
Over something that isn't worth the hurt

I listened
As what I tell myself was told to you
I'm not worth it
She's right
I care enough to know I should go
I cause you too my trouble

I listened
As my heart raced telling me to go
As one last tear rolled down my cheek
This will be better for you

But when they accept me
I will still listen
Just like I did last night
And I will still care
Just try and listen to them
It'll cause you less grief

Just hold on to them and listen. I'm not worth all this pain

You know, I still think of us

Of all the drives we sang through
Of all the times your arms wrapped around my arm
Of the band trip
Where I watched a good friend leave both of us
The first time

I still think of your smile

The one you have in that one photo
Pink plaid, black pants, fallout snap-back, and that damn watch
Pink day...
I played your song for the world
As another took one too many photos

I still think of that watch

You always wore it too tight
You have marks to prove it
Time kept us going
And pushed us apart

I still think of the Post Office

And how it sits so silently
Empty after our return
Though the song is still on repeat
Playing at top volume until something comes in

I still think of OUR return

Reality came for us
And drove us apart
But I never stopped searching for you
Now I'm lost and looking for anything
But I've fallen
And no one seems to be there to catch me

You know, I still think of us
Do you?

I never stopped searching

I'm tiptoeing around daydreams of who we were yesterday
Because I'm learning to look at my reality
And watch the chaos I've made
As one by one
Everything slips from my iron grasp
Falling into the abyss I've created

I hate reverting back to my lesser selves
But "stone cold bitch" seems to work best
No one gets close
No one gets hurt

My vision of what used to be my day to day life crumbled
And now I don't even want to see myself in those days
All I want to see is everyone else happy
Just for one day

Loud speakers
Gut punches
And crossing lines
Part of the daily line up of failure to stop
Failure to think of what might happen
How they will feel
Failure to think twice or think at all

So maybe since I can't think twice
Tonight I take an action I've been waiting to do
But just didn't have the courage
Maybe tonight is the night I make everyone else happy
Because everything that made me happy
Never really seemed to be there

I always come last, even when I'm falling apart. If they need help, I'm perfectly fine until they are too.

Would a suicide attempt bring you to my bed side?
Would you come to pretend you cared?
Or would you still hate me?
I’ve never seen you so happy
Or her so broken
So tell me
If I had just escaped the claws of death
Would you come back?

She left me yesterday
Just like you left her
So hospital beds seem to be the next place we’ll meet
Because the three of us have broken
But you repaired yourself faster than either of us could

Now I wait for someone to come back
Even if they see me next under thin blankets
Face pale and breath thin
I would do anything to bring us all back together
Even if it meant dying to let you live a happier life
Because I’m not needed here
And I cause anxiety by simply living

So if you don’t care
Don’t miss me
Because no one else will

I wish I had someone who would fight for me as hard as I always fought for them, but now no one is there to listen

Phantom arms reach for me
Wrapping around my shoulders
Watching my screen over my shoulder
The bill of a snap back grazes my ear
A small giggle dances to my ears
"Sap"      "I know"

Wishing will never bring it back
And it's fading
Just like it didn't bring the word 'doll' back to his lips
Everything is fading
And the third space is disappearing with it
Leaving me to talk to nothing

Hugs feel distant
Platonic love is nowhere to be seen
And tears flow like rivers
So I hold my tongue
Watching as the phantom from my past leaves
It's for the better
At least... I hope

Living without my phantom will be lonely
But I've seen it done before
To someone close to me who lost five
The annoying,
The narcissist,
The opposite,
The smart, and
The silent

Some days I see glimpses of them
But I'm not
Just wishing they would find her again
I never really had the chance to say goodbye
So I hope one day they visit
Even just to check on her

One of them has a promise to keep
So they better come back

She lost her phantoms,
Now it's time for me to let go of mine

My monophobia is taking a tight grip when I thought it had left...
I just hope my phantom will do the same

I'm allowing myself to be tongue tied
Not to punish myself
But because I think I finally learned my place
Everyone has left
And for good reason

So I wait for someone to come to me
Someone who is willing to untie the knot
All it takes is a simple "I miss you"
But until that day
I will sit silently...
Waiting

The door is always open...
And I'm easy to blame
So I give up my pride
It's all I really have left
Because God knows I don't need it anymore

 May 1 Delta Swingline
to

(dont) let me go
(dont) let me die
(dont) ignore my calls
(dont) let me say goodbye

dont (not) pick up the phone
dont (not) tell me that you love me
dont (not) kiss me ever again

(please dont) go away
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