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Day Oct 2016
it's all I ever heard
i want you
as we cuddled in your car
i want you
pops up on my phone
i want you
mouthed across the room

and while
i want you
should've made me feel special
i want you
translated in my mind to
sometime so unoriginal
because i knew what you meant

every time you whispered to me
i want you
oh, I knew
it wasn't truly
me
that you wanted
only what
*I had
Day Jan 2016
playful punches
translating into
adrenaline rushes
as if I've become alive
simply by
your touch
Day Oct 2018
Sweet sadness engulfs me as I walk into my favorite place,
the library; its been over a year.
Somehow I always find myself back here and it
seems to always be an important moment in my life.
When did this site become my personal blog?
Posting gentle reminders to
never lose myself.
Oct 16, 2018.
      I am constantly reminding myself that I am not alone. 19-going on 20 year old me finds herself in panic mode almost every day and can't seem to figure out why.
     I ask myself the question "What am I doing with my miserable life?" every morning and I keep expecting an answer to suddenly appear.
      It's been harder to write anything with structure lately, but I have started experimenting with a more free-style( even though my work has always been pretty loose).
     Today I feel like I am always struggling with a feeling of "passive suicidal" but it never gets so bad as to really affect my day to day living. My thoughts have been pretty dark though and I'm trying to work on it.
      Started a new relationship not too long ago and am attempting to not be consumed by it (HA). It does make me very happy though. He seems to really care and I hope our relationship makes both of us happier and mentally healthier.
Day Mar 2016
stop trying to guilt me into something
you want me to be
stop trying to make me feel like I'm not good enough
to satisfy your own selfish purposes
your piecing eyes
don't faze me anymore
I'm tired of shaping myself into a person
I HATE
for what?
appearances....
so that I can stand and pose for a portrait
that if you look closely is labeled
"i'm miserable"
GIVE ME A BREAK
you don't give a  @#!
%
whether the smile on my face is genuine
Day May 2017
A flash flood warning is enabled from now until forver,
for a poets thoughts are held behind a waning dam,
and emotions may spill out and overflow at anytime
pulling any(and every)one into a current of ink.
sirens of "I tried to let you let know" blare in the distance
but you never know until you're too close, and too late.
Day Jan 19
Just a nameless voice on a busy line,
but what makes me worth your time?
Day Nov 2018
thank you
lover
-
for the
reminder
-
that no
longer
-
are they**
stronger
-
than my voice.
**anything/anyone trying to tear me down, whether mentally or situational

!!Don't forget to get out to those polls!!
Change is coming.
Day Jan 2017
11 days, I spent in grey hospital socks
wandering halls bare, not even clocks
17 girls, all torn and broken inside
opened our wrists, drank cyanide
"behavior heath", but we knew was psych
held wandering souls, all pale and ghostlike
sat in a circle, we shared and we cried
of times we stole, drank, smoked and lied
stories of ****, abuse and pain
somehow all one and the same
different faces and different lives
but most chose to end it with knives
but failure brought us all to this place
to learn a new name, gain a new face
fed us some pills and watched how we'd do
if we'd scream and suddenly turn blue
but only a few continued to fall
and theirs are the saddest stories of all
my heart broke each night as I sat and heard
one of the girls minds became blurred
still even now, I shed a tear
for every lost soul, that we never hear
Recently went to an intensive inpatient behavior health center after a major panic attack and breakdown. I was suicidal and was diagnosed with major depression. This experience, really changed me and opened my mind so much. More to come . I give thanks for this site for giving me a positive way to cope. You all are amazing. <3
Day Aug 2017
when did i get here?
where did i go wrong?
im living in fear
i pray not for long

i have four that i love
each care for me
done looking above
those hurting me

much i have learned
but still more to go
as much i have earned
still so much to know

bad days do outweigh
good days rare to see
need someone to stay
right here next to me

ive built up this wall
surrounding my heart
scared to let it fall
i dont know where to start

but, my mind clears
and my heart keeps beat
and all of those fears
die under my feet

because i am strong
at least, for a day
my heart sings a song
my mind knows im okay

and in this moment,
after i cry.
i am calm.
Day Jun 2017
How to stop the tears from freely flowing
(1) Grab a tissue for the eyes
(2) Remember everybody cries
(3) Try your best to push a smile
(4) Enjoy some music for a while
(5) Find something to help you cope
(6) Try your best not to mope
(7) Get up and go for a walk
(8) Find someone and try to talk
(9) **** it and cry some more
(10) Remember what you're living for
Don't give up. Even if youre the only one telling yourself not to
Day Oct 2015
“If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it,
does it make a sound?” George Berkeley once asked.
Making me wonder,
"If I'm gone, but no one's around to remember me,
was I really ever here?"
Day Oct 2015
funny how a childhood game can be so insiteful,
so full of irony and shadows,
teaching a young version of us,
words borne from ignorance lead to gallows,
but many didnt listen,
many couldnt see,
that what's just a game to them,
is reality to me.
Day May 2016
Mothers day, to me
is just, another memory,
gone to waste.*

A day to stop and pause
and remember a lost cause,
only to move on, again.

Because to me, mothers day
is "my mother left me" day,
so, not a joyous occasion.

And try as I may, to hear
the words, "but another is near"
it's just not the same.

Because while I found another home,
my heart still tends to roam,
to other places.

And my thoughts just can't forget
about the life that I didn't get,
no matter how bleak.

But still I try to push past,
and make the smile last,
even if it's fake.

Because I know that someone loves me,
even if she did not birth me,
and now I call Her  *Mom.
Mother's day isn't happy for everyone. It's hard remembering that I have another mom out there that gave me up but as any good poet I try to convey this frustration to all of you. Thank you all so much for the support. Love you guys! Smile.
Day Apr 2017
harsh a poets hands to write such anger,
how soft to feel such love,
the fingertips flow and move
assist the mind above.
the palms tender and smooth,
the bones bitter and tough
lift the hand up to the tongue,
the taste of ink and sweat.
rest a moment weary hands,
let the feelings set.
tools in such a weary work
needed just as much,
thank you hands for moving so,
create nothing from the dust.
i like this, thank you for the inspiration
Day Apr 2016
nerves eat away the confidence I have left,
little butterflies  trying to escape,
knowing what a desperate soul *I am
.
just an afternoon thought I had
Day Mar 2016
Today was a good day.
I'm slowly felling better.
I am as Spring is.

Slowly, the sun shines longer,
the flowers feel safer,
and the warm feels
nice enough to stay.

And, yes, some days it may rain
Just remember, The sun
will always shine again.
~Happy~
Day Dec 2015
Falling in love with a boy who smokes
but never having the courage,
to ask for a cigarette
can you find the symbolism?
Day May 2015
I'm not very good at poetry,
or expressing myself.
I don't always say the right thing,
or anything at all.
Not everybody likes me,
or thinks about me.
My name isn't known by the world,
or reblogged all the time.
I'm not really the best at everything,
or anything really.

But, I'm me.
And to some people that's not good enough.
But, To me,
Its all I really have.

All I really have is myself.
I may not be famous.
I may not be rich.
I may not be a supermodel.
But I'm me.
And that's all I need.
Day Nov 2015
we're a society who will do whatever we want
right or wrong
because
we've told ourselves
"my demons made me""
when
in all
reality

**we are the demons.
Day Aug 2017
i pushed everything out, to make space
...for you.
because, i thought you deserved more
...than just a piece... of me.
I thought, that you deserved it all.
but now...
you're all that is there
and you want to leave,
...leaving me...
completely
and entirely
.empty.
Day Jan 16
React with kindness
Respond with honesty
Day Jun 2018
Today I walked to the city,
because the cat ****** on my bed.
I think my punk phase looks pretty,
and it helps to clear my head.
My work thinks I've gone insane;
I can't help but to agree.
Oh, but they don't know the pain
that's overwhelming me.
My lover packed up and went home,
leaving me here alone to mend.
Using my time to think and roam,
the solitude has become my friend.
Smile and nod at those who pass,
I wonder who I am.
Life seems to **** me in the ***,
but,hey,
peace comes at $10 a gram ;)
Day Feb 2016
I was ready
until faced with the opportunity,
then suddenly
I wasn't so sure.
Day May 2015
Can't breathe.
She's looking at me.
What do I do?

Can't move.
He's standing so close.
What do I do?

Can't talk.
She asked me something.
What do I say?

Can't sleep.
Tomorrow I'll have to do it again.
What will I do?

Can't eat.
He's staring right at me.
What do I do?

Can't Breathe.
My heart is going to **** me.
Oh well.
Day Oct 2015
confirmation,
is what i need,
just a hint,
**someones listening.
everybody wants to be heard
Day Jan 5
I'm sorry for
my choice(s).
Count 'em up,
trace 'em back
to the very
first mistake,
of being born.
Day Apr 2017
First March madness,
next April sadness,
then May gladness
and Junes spectacular grandness
Day Oct 2018
Daft punk and ***** converse
you make me feel like dancin'.
-
Cinnamon apple tea
and good ol' THC,
surely this is all I need.
-
Grey sweater meets morning fog and,
seven AM sunrise
has never felt so sweet.
Day Jun 2017
As much as you can put the past behind you,
she will not be forgotten.
For, when you least expect
She'll bite ya in the ***.
take care in your decisions
Day Mar 2016
sometimes my brain doesn't work
quite the write way

the words twist on my tongue
and long for a pen
craving to been seen, to be heard

but

no one

wants

to hear

the

cries

of

innocence

dying

we turn our head and convince ourselves that *"everything will be okay"

we use this awful logic that maybe, just maybe, if we close our eyes that nothing is wrong
and when faced with the blunt truth everything is falling apart we become a nation of ignorance
spewing meaningless hate words such as "oppression" and "priviledged"
not even stopping for a moment to realize the

oh

my

God

who cares??

because while we fight about separation in our own country, people are being slaughtered without a thought in others
but as a nation of narcissistic bigots, each and every one of us, we clothe our eyes with rose-colored glasses
still yelling about being color blind

we

distract

ourselves

with petty "challenges"

as if

that could

fix

anything...

stop trying to look for something that soothes your guilty soul
and

wake

the

XXXX

up


take care in how you determine our countries future
i pray that you

actually

stop

and

THINK

*because no one wants to clean up the mess of a negligent party
this is just some abstact thoughts on America today. Please don't take this as hate because that was not at all my thoughts when writing this.
Day Apr 2016
poetry is addiction, more than anything else
just substitute the smoke of a cigarette
for the eraser shaving of my thoughts
and instead of scarring my thighs once again
i cut open the wounds of my heart
bleeding my thoughts into words on a page
and just like any addiction
no one truly sees
that writing relieves
the constant pressure of trying to be something*
i am not
mid-morning musings
Day Nov 2015
And this is your home,
Return to your throne,
And I will fight the ghosts away,
but I'm begging you, please stay.
not mine at all. All credit goes to Jamie Brown
Day Feb 20
Why why why why why
why am why why why
why why I why why
why why why hiding why
why why why why ?
a constant mind game I play
Day Feb 2017
if you pause for a moment
to look around
really, really look
and truly see
all the beauty
in the chaos
then suddenly
you may catch a glimpse
a slight twinge
in your soul
whispering how
absolutely necessary
your existence is
to the universe
the fabric that knits you together
flows through
each and every
spirit that passes
every single day
a conception from me about the ideas of Alan Watts
Day Nov 2016
word scrambled,
like poorly mixed eggs,
trying to follow a recipe
to fit my words together
but im a not a chef
i call myself a poet
but poetry gets hard
when you're trying to cook
not really sure where I was going with this,
been trying to write lately and its really frustrating
Day Jan 2016
suddenly the mirror shattered
revealing who she really was inside
Day Dec 2015
I had opened my wings to fly,
but I forgot that they were broken,
by the crush of a lie,
so I fell,
opening my eyes to see
black teardrops
falling with me,
and I saw,
that even a soul become evil and dark
can know sorrow and regret
from an angels remark.
Day Dec 2015
the smoke drifts out of a soul losing his meaning
trying to drown his pain in tobacco and *****

lying in bed next to an unfamiliar face
she's lost herself to the crush of desire and shame

staring out the window with empty eyes
the child wishes for a someone, anyone to rescue him

and last, a small white cat, sitting on the couch
watching it all fall apart,* **day by day by day
Day Oct 2018
inhale
i am NOT nervous for the day
you see me the way
i see me

exhale
i wanna love myself the way you tell me i should
Day Jun 2017
i wish, someone would notice,
that the depression came back
long ago
sometimes i just have a thousand million feelings inside me all just floating around aimlessly, surfacing at the worst of times. times that dont even make sense. and its really killing me. i dont know how to handle it. instead i just push it down, and down and down. here, on hello poetry is one of the only places that i allow it to fully come to the top and bare its ugly face. im tired of just dealing with this thing. .this thing inside. i look at other people and i dont understand how they appear so happy. it looks so easy to get, so simple to achieve, and yet i sit here wishing and wishing for it and still nothing. just a mixing *** of confusing pain inside. and i just wish someone would see it, i wish someone could help. but i know that even if someone did bring it up that i would brush it off, not that they can help me anyways. im handling it. right?
Day Nov 2015
B* ringer
O of
M***
Berevement

Grief
Unleashing  
­Nightmares

Terrifying
Endings
Riddled with
Restless
Obsequies
R**epeating
Day May 2016
I've always thought sentiment was pointless
trying too hard to hold onto the past
but still wanting to move into the future

the irony seems apparent
wanting to keep the past but not learn from it
sorry i haven't really been posting lately :(  just havent been feeling that inspired to write which is sad for me
Day Jun 2018
Good morning sky!
It's my birthday.
Bought blue hair dye
to stop feeling grey.
happy 19 angst
Day Feb 2017
have you ever walked down a hallway,
every one of your flaws exposed,
twisted and distorted screaming for your attention
your insecurities protruding out of your side
the skin you wear bent and bruised
the worst moment is the realization
its 3 a.m.
and you're staring at the bathroom mirror
Day Feb 2017
We get the blame, we get the trouble now
They got a pill it's just fine to forget it all
take all the pain away
A-ha, would I be myself if I did?
Not at all mine, from a song I heard that I just really identify with.
Copyright Racing Glaciers - Sertraline
Day Jun 2017
I am always angry at people who skip to the end of books,
I question why the hell would you want to know?
Is not the point of the book to go from front to back?
But now, i find myself in life, wishing to skip forward
to a time of stability and safety
hoping that in the end it just all works out
but, the pages of life are not easily turned
and many are hard to read
but the point is not to skip to the end
but to enjoy every chapter.
Day Jan 21
Secrets, secrets, I know you keep.
Surely not meant to make me weep.
Open emails and a curious eye,
I told myself not to pry.
Calm myself, and clear my head,
some things are better left unread.
Anger came and then she passed,
force these lips to not speak fast.
Thinking "Maybe this will help me out,
He doesn't know about my doubt."
Suddenly have the upper hand,
now I have a chance to stand.
Both have things that we don't share,
who am I, to say what's fair?
I still think what we have is real
but, can't get past the things I feel.
With a kiss, push these thoughts away,
"Morning, lover, have a wonderful day."
Here's to the start of another week,
I've honestly been feeling less bleak.
I don't know why it's been easier lately,
but I'm not here to complain :)
Day May 18
I tasted you,
but then I came to the realization
that paying for my demise
made me
a poor* ******* idiot.
*literally
Day Oct 2018
life is a *****;
been lighting my fires
since 1999

luckily

i bought marshmallows
and ****
karma tastes sweet
Day Oct 2015
if love is blind,
i guess i'm deaf.
*** all i can see,
is you.
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