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 Apr 2022 Steve McNutt
Emma P
Sun
 Apr 2022 Steve McNutt
Emma P
Sun
When I say
that you are my Sun,
I don’t mean that you are
Luminous,
Brilliant,
Gilded,
Beautiful,
Bold,
Warm,
Or even the center of my universe.
I simply mean that
I cannot look at you
Without hurting
Let me do my work each day;
and if the darkened hours
of despair overcome me, may I
not forget the strength
that comforted me in the
desolation of other times. May I
still remember the bright
hours that found me walking
over the silent hills of my
childhood, or dreaming on the
margin of the quiet river,
when a light glowed within me,
and I promised my early God
to have courage amid the
tempests of the changing years.
Spare me the bitterness
and from sharp passions of
unguarded moments. May
I not forget that poverty and
riches are of the spirit.
Though the world may know me not,
may my thoughts and actions
be such as shall keep me friendly
with myself. Lift my eyes
from the earth, and let me not
forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others
lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamor of
the world, but walk calmly
in my path. Give me a few friends
who will love me for what
I am; and keep ever burning
before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope. And
though age and infirmity overtake
me, and I come not within
sight of the castle of my dreams,
teach me still to be thankful
for life, and for time's olden
memories that are good and
sweet; and may the evening's
twilight find me gentle still.
Whatever else you do or forbear,
impose upon yourself the task of happiness;
and now and then abandon yourself
to the joy of laughter.

And however much you condemn
the evil in the world, remember that the
world is not all evil; that somewhere
children are at play, as you yourself in the
old days; that women still find joy
in the stalwart hearts of men;

And that men, treading with restless feet
their many paths, may yet find refuge
from the storms of the world in the cheerful
house of love.
A clear, cool night. I have been reading,
    but the thoughts of man do not solace me.
I raised the curtain and looked at the moon,
    clear and silvery; and I brushed
    some of the unrest out of my mind.
I know all the theories of the moon.
    There have been times when the symbols
    of science have robbed me of some of its
    mystery and charm
But no one can explain the moon any
    more than a grasshopper can explain me.
In youth, the moon promised too much.
    But now I understand better; that was not
    the moon's fault.
Also the moon and I have this in common:
    we both are wanderers across the night.
Won't you come and raise a glass
to faded faces from the past
to those we've loved no longer here
so missed around this time of year

Here's to the smile we'll never see
outside of hazy memory,
the echo of now precious laughs
ring out from faded photographs.

Here's to the memories I now hold
the lives I've loved, the stories told,
and the sometime tear that falls astray
for those I've lost along the way.
 May 2020 Steve McNutt
Lost Girl
I step into the shower
Tears roll down my cheek
I can’t stand to look at my body
What has become of me?

Ohh I want to cut myself
Again and again
Because I feel disgust and want control
I want to shape my body into something
I perceive as beautiful
And that’s anything but me

I try to clean this body of mine
But I can’t wash away my sins
I don’t want to die, but living like this is hell

What I want is to feel something
Anything but this depression
I tired of putting on a bubbly face
I can’t take this anymore
All these pills
And I still don’t feel like me

I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”

But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”

It’s been so many years now
I can’t remember the last time smiled
Genuinely and it lasted
And so I thought to myself: “will I ever get better?”

It’s been a few months
Since I was in the hospital
Coming back home was tough
Leaving school was even harder
I felt like failure
To myself and to my family
And so I thought to myself “am I broken?”

It’s been a couple of weeks now
Since I last self harmed
I still have feelings to do that
But I resist the urges
And so I thought to myself “you’re stronger than this”

I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”

But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore”
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”

But for today,
Please just let me be
I need some rest from fighting
This demon in me

“I don’t want to be alive”
At least not for today
But maybe tomorrow that feeling will change
I wrote this on March 10, 2020 and have finally built up the courage to post it. I have been struggling with body image issues and severe depression. I am currently in a residential program and am trying to get better. This is all so overwhelming, and writing has calmed me down.
 May 2020 Steve McNutt
Lost Girl
I am a warrior.
Stronger than her demons.
Braver than the darkness.
 May 2020 Steve McNutt
helia
Look
 May 2020 Steve McNutt
helia
My gaze does not land on your figure
Unwittingly or by chance
It is drawn in, inexplicably
By your arresting presence

It awakens an aching hunger
Deep-seated and desperate
Which consumes me entirely
Until I am slave to it

I yearn for you unabashedly
For your entire being
A fervent desire so profound
For you I would mortally sin

Just look and I'll be at your mercy
One word and I'm on my knees
If anything is certain tonight
It will be me begging "please"
Look at you.
Look at me.
May 1, 2020.
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