You're sitting in the therapist's office,
Hands shaking as you tried to explain what was running through your head.
Words catching in the back of your throat.
The sun was shining so brightly through the office window,
It felt as if it could have burned a hole through the seams in your jeans,
The more you tried to talk,
The tighter your chest became,
' On a scale of one to ten, how bad is this feeling? '
At this moment, it's surpassed the scale,
It was like you were standing on a cliff edge and you were looking down at all the waves crashing against the rocks.
Like one wrong move and everything would come crashing down around you,
' About a four... '
You finally managed to say,
You knew it was a lie and so did your therapist,
Deep down you wished you could be honest,
But you just couldn't.
See, you sitting there made you feel things.
Things you'd rather not have felt.
Just then you would have prefered to be completely numb.
You wished you could scream, scream until your lungs were burnt dry and sore,
But every time you tried, it was just silence.
It was like you were drowning,
But everyone around you was seeing you swimming,
You... you who couldn't speak,
You who had lost your voice,
You who'd spend their weekend mornings sitting on that blue leather couch.
Trying to empty yourself so that you wouldn't have to feel for the rest of the week.
You, the grey-faced kid at the back of the class,
You who I met before I understood what it was to feel grey on the inside and out,
And you who said, for no reason, that you could buy a £100 mirror and only ever see the flaws,
You who brought black eyes and broken teeth home,
And then sit unreachable,
Until someone who couldn't understand told you to move along.
You who sat under your hoodie, as if the fabric could absorb all the names they called you,
As if by emptying yourself, you would feel nothing,
You who were made up of one part medicine, two parts sadness,
You who sat alone as the rain soaked your coat and mixed with the blood on your face,
But the part I miss was you,
You who used to make bad jokes, laugh and drink coke,
Laugh even when it wasn't funny,
But you are gone,
And you aren't coming back.
This is a collaboration between me and my friend Maddie.