I never thought that anybody would be this precious to me. I never thought that I would hold anybody so closely to me. I never thought that I could look at someone and find every single part of them beautiful and appealing. I didn’t think it was humanly possible for me anymore. But that all changed. It’s been changing, and I’m so glad that I’m not stuck in the past anymore.
Still I get scared sometimes that he won’t like me. Still, I sometimes almost expect negative comments about how my hair looks. I worry that he secretly hates it, or how I look. Still I sometimes expect to be compared to other women. But that’s not him. Sometimes I still think that he tells me I’m beautiful just so I’ll do what he says. That was somebody else. Somebody else, two somebodies, left me broken and scared and untrusting.
Mark left me damaged the most. Sometimes still I think my love will leave if I don’t pleasure him enough. Mark did that. He would tell me to get out if I didn’t want to have sex, or he’d then compare me to other women and tell me that they’d do it for him. He’d make fun of my boobs because they’re not perky. Or because my thighs jiggle when I walk. He’d make fun of my eyes because they’re not symmetrical. He told me that my dark hair made me look ugly, and that I should dye it red like Janet Devlin because “she’s the most beautiful girl” he knew of.
I believed those things. I stopped eating because of some things he said to me. I dyed my hair “Janet Red” for him, in hopes he would like me better, and he still made fun of me for it. He made fun of me for things I couldn’t control. My stutter, the way I said certain words, how I flinched when he touched my skin. He’d laugh at me, and in his laugh I could hear how stupid he thought I was. I believed him.
After all the things that happened with us happened, Mark invited me to his dad’s house. We took a shower together because he wanted to “see how I looked soaked and naked.” Still it wasn’t pleasing enough for him. He’d yelled at me because I didn’t shave myself or my legs. He didn’t want “pricks and thorns.” He made fun of the stretchmarks on my breasts. How my rear looked in the lighting. He made fun of my stomach because of the marks on it. Mark tore into my soul and shredded it piece by piece by single piece.
The second boy to hurt me was Jack. He was poison. He wasn’t nearly as bad as Mark but he broke my trust in a million pieces. He would tell me I was beautiful. He loved my curly hair. Told me he loved the way it sat on my shoulders and curved to my breasts. I dyed it purple and he wasn’t really on board with it. That was the only time he ever made me feel ugly. See, the thing about Jack is that he wasn’t happy with himself. So he used his unhappiness as a scapegoat on me. He gained some new female friends. “Oh I met them through some of the guys at work.” I believed him, as he was just starting to make new friends. Truth is, he used an app he downloaded. “Chassadie wants to cuddle with you!”
I asked him what it was. What the hell was he doing? And I couldn’t possibly fathom that he would cheat, since he always went on about how he’s been cheated on, and how much it hurt him. He said he accidentally downloaded it. But a few weeks later, I realized I was stupid. That he had lied. “Caylen wants to cuddle with you!” I asked him again and he said it was just spam. Again, I believed him. He lied straight to my face, without twitching or blinking. It takes a great actor to lie to that extent.
I logged into his email and found more of those “_ wants to cuddle with you!” Finally he broke and said “You know what, I’m just not happy with this relationship. You’re just not doing it for me. Never really did.” And went on to be in a relationship with Caylen. That brought me to the previous year, back to Mark, and how I felt then. I was sad and angry and now my trust was shattered. This was November 2016.
I went on for a while after that, into 2017 hating guys and thinking that the world was out to get me. I wouldn’t find anybody who was true to their word. I was just sort of empty. I was too scared to be in any relationships with anyone. Nearing the end of 2017, though, someone walked into my life, and will never be walking out.
Brandon came into my life on August 22nd, 2017, at approximately 8:32 PM. (I remember because I took a selfie with Allie right when I noticed him. I saved it on snapchat :D). Anyway, I’m pretty sure it was love at first sight for me. They always say you meet the one you’re going to marry on accident. I met him completely by accident I was baffled that someone so amazing existed. A few weeks later, we started dating.
Currently, this is the best relationship that I have ever been in. It’s been so easy for me with him, and yet so hard. I still find myself telling him not to look at me just because I feel like I look bad, and little flashbacks from Mark play in my head, making me think that Brandon might comment negatively on my appearance. I know he won’t because that’s not him and it never will be him. But still I get scared sometimes.
I get scared to be touched by him sometimes because I feel like I feel too gross. I know I’m not and he loves to touch me. I keep in mind that he thinks I truly am beautiful and it helps me to stay positive and remember that he will always treat me right. When he sees my skin, under all the clothes and hidden things, he only ever tells me I’m perfect for him. When he does, I tell him no, but deep down I think “yes, yes I am.”
Today, March 22nd, 2018, I took a shower with him. My heart was pounding. I was thinking of the last shower I took with someone else. The only other shower I’d taken with someone. I felt my mind start to slip back to that place and time, and I wanted to run out of the bathroom and hide. I was so anxious and nervous. Brandon got into the shower first, and I followed shortly after. He stood and he looked at me and told me I was beautiful. He continued to do that for the remainder of the shower. Each “Love you are so perfect” made me relax a little more. It made me feel so much better. I still didn’t let him touch me a whole lot, but he respected that. But I’m definitely even more comfortable with him now than I was yesterday. Or last week. Or six months ago. And I’m a little more in love with him now than I was a few months ago.
He’s the perfect one for me. A match to last a lifetime. Every time I think of waking up next to him, being married to him, watching our future children grow up… I get a little teary eyed because I’m just so damn happy to have found the perfect person for me.
Mark is a piece of shit. So is Jack.