Hey little man.
When you were born, my mom wouldn't drive me out to the hospital to see you.
I was so excited to see you I could hardly sleep.
You were the tiniest baby I had ever seen (and the cutest with those dimples of yours).
I was so proud to have a little brother, and not be
an only child on my dads side of the family.
You were my blood. Well, half of my blood anyway.
When I held you for the first time, I was so scared that I had to sit
down because I didn't want to break you.
When your mom, dad, and I brought you home,
we introduced you to our dogs Remi and JJ.
JJ was immediately protective over you. She loved you, booger.
One night, your mom asked me to watch you while
she and dad ran some errands.
I said it was fine, and that of course I didn't mind.
You fell asleep with your head buried in my neck
curled up in my arms.
You were only two weeks old then.
I watched you grow from two weeks to six months, to a year, to three years old.
I watched you figure out how to count to three.
How to crawl.
I watched you take your first step.
I watched you fall.
Every night I would silently tell you I love you, because you were my whole world.
Soon enough, after your sister was born, your mom
started taking me for granted.
Soon enough, you were with me every single day. Sometimes even at night.
I'd rock you to sleep when you were scared.
I'd build you a fort out of blankets and chairs when you were bored.
I'd take you for walks when your mom and dad were fighting
because you'd be crying so hard.
That must have been very scary for you and Khloe both.
I'm sorry that you have to live that life;
Of watching your parents fight and yell and scream
at each other instead of loving each other like they're supposed to.
I hope you'll remember me, little brother.
Your mom and dad made it clear that I am not going to be
a part of your life or Khloe's life.
That pain is unimaginable.
I hope that when you grow up you'll become curious and find me.
I love you so much, Landin.
You have absolutely no idea how much I love you.
If you ever need anything, someone will tell you
where I am, what my number is... My address.
She will tell you, and I will be here for you.
Goodbye for now, little brother.
Your biggest (and most favorite) sister, Jordyn,
You've got the sweetest smile I have ever seen.
You have blond hair like I did when I was 2.
You have the bluest eyes in the whole world, and I hope they stay that way.
I want you to know that you look more like I do than the rest
of your siblings.
Your mom told me once that you'll never
be as pretty as Kendal or Kaylie,
because you look more like dad and I.
You're so shy, and timid.
That's not a bad thing; it means you wont get into very much trouble.
For how much your mom calls you stupid,
you're actually pretty smart for a two year old.
You get your brains from me.
You'll always be beautiful to me.
Be proud of who you are, little sister.
I want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you
with all of my heart.
I don't know when I'll see you again.
Your mom and dad made it pretty clear that I am not a part of the Downey family anymore.
And if that remains true,
maybe someone will tell you that not one of your
sisters love you like I do.
I'm gonna miss you out here, Khloe.
I hope that when you're older you'll remember me and find me.
That you wont be mad that I missed out on so many
years of your life.
I hope that when you're ready, or if you even want to,
you'll come find me and then we'll talk.
But for now, I have to keep my distance from your family.
So I wont be seeing you at all.
And it's extremely painful and my heart breaks a little more everyday.
But I know that it's for the best for me and maybe even for you.
Who am I kidding? It's what's best for your mom,
but we wont tell her that.
I love you, little sister.
I hope to see you sooner rather than later.
Your oldest sister, Jordyn.
are you happy? are you happy that your oldest child hates you? you told me that you missed me terribly. that you wish that i would come home. i told you that i was going to georgia after high school. you actually seemed upset. but if you were upset, you sure don't seem like it now. you take your wife's side. she is excluding me from my own family, and you think that it's my fault. because im such a bad kid, right? you think that i haven't changed at all; that im still the lazy brat that i was when i left your god forsaken house. but i have changed, dad. for the better. if anything, you're the one who hasn't changed since i left. you're the one who is still the same. the same hardass that you were. the same guy being pushed around by his crazy wife. you let her push me around dad. and then you let her get under your skin and brainwash you into thinking that it's only me who can do bad. she can't fathom that her kids would do anything wrong. she always blames us for how landin and khloe act. "must be the downey gene" she says. as if the katzmans are any better. her family is broken up. no one talks to eachother, and her mom's side are a bunch of drunken fools. but yet it must be the downey genes that mess everything up. your wife has ridiculed me for years dad. she's abusive towards me, and only me. she's called me fat, stupid, ugly, a pig, a retard, fatass, a cunt, and whatever else. even in front of you. and when its uncalled for, try to defend me. and when you try to do that, she tells you how i was wrong without telling you how she was wrong first. she only tells you what she thinks will sound good. what she thinks will make me look bad in your eyes. but i am a better student. i am very busy. i help around my house. i do what im told. because someone in this world has shown me the kindness ive never felt. and it sure wasn't you. it was laura and mike who did that. they were shocked because in the last two weeks living with you, i dropped ten pounds. i was in the lower weight range for my height. because mandie wouldn't let me eat. she would only let me have coffee and cigarettes. when did you stop caring about me dad? when i started becoming better than you? when i started setting goals for my future? because it seems like you're a little jealous that i got as far away from that house as i possibly could. im happy. and if you don't try to be the father you were ten years ago to me, in another ten years, i don't want you around. your pick, dad. your kid or your abusive wife.
i lost my family again.
the happiest hours of my life turned
black with sadness again.
it's a lonesome life when you lose the ones you live for.
it's like you can feel your heart
physically being ripped out of your chest.
you can feel it break for the ones you care most for.
and for what?
because someone can't stand
that someone else around her is happy?
my heart is shredded into more and more pieces
i miss my siblings terribly.
yet i can't see them because a terrible wench
rules over the kingdom that was once
i lost them.
i lost my family.