When he holds my hand, I'm warm, I'm safe, and I'm wonderful.
When I lay my head next to his, I put my hand on his chest.
He places his hand over mine.
When he holds my hand, he traces my thumb with his,
And leaves chills wherever he touches me.
When he holds my hand, I instantly get butterflies.
Sometimes I think my heart beats so fast that it stops.
When he holds my hand, I look at him and smile;
He sees me looking at him, and smiles back with the most
beautiful smile that I've ever seen,
reaching all the way to his coffee colored eyes.
When he holds my hand, I feel like I'm truly loved for
what seems like the first time in my life.
When he holds my hand, our fingers interlace,
fitting together so perfectly that one would think we were made
fore each other.
It's like two pieces to a puzzle that finally fit together.
When he holds my hand, I'm finally whole.

I am happy. I am safe.

They day I met you was they day that my life changed.
I thought that it changed for the better
Because I thought you were the best thing in it.
But soon I realized that you only wanted me for one thing,
And that was for sex.
If I didn't give it to you, you would get mad.
You'd tell me you thought I didn't love you enough.
And then sometimes you would force me to do it and threaten me if I didn't.
Though most of the relationship was awful,
There were some good times.
I'll always cherish those memories, but I'll simultaneously cringe
At the thought of you.
I realize now that you were in my life to teach me a lesson.
That I shouldn't be so willing to trust someone.
That I should do what I think is right for me.
I shouldn't give myself away because someone is mad that I don't want to.
You taught me what not to look for in a lover.
You taught me how to be weary; how to read people.
I thank you for that.
But I don't thank you for invading my thoughts all the time.
I don't like that you're dating my best friend,
As I don't believe you've changed.
I do not want her hurt.
But, in order for me to be happy, I must rid myself of the thought of you.
I must say goodbye to the thought of you.
I will not allow you to plague my mind and make me weary.
I will not allow you to poison my thoughts and make me mistrusting.
I will, however, allow you to let me do what is right for me.
By forgetting you, and letting myself learn to trust again.
By forgetting you, and letting myself learn to love again.
By forgetting you, and learning what it feels like to truly be loved.
So, with this, goodbye to the thought of you.

I banish you, O' Evil ex boyfriend who I wish I never met!

Their faces fade from my mind.
Voices dissolve because
in my brain they were never intertwined.
The warmth of their touch
forgotten in my brain; I don't see them much...
Their hair, their eyes, their scent.
All forgotten because she was hell-bent
on making me leave my home.
Now all I can do is roam,
wander the empty halls
chasing away the sadness with alcohol.
It's a bitter kind of sweet,
to taste the metal and wine of defeat.
I sit here and let out a cry,
I let out a sigh.
I sit and ponder about how
the ones I love are just memories now.

I'm sad as heck. Sometimes.
zeldaxlove64 Oct 5

i woke up today feeling like the most amazing girl on the planet.
i have never known color like the sunrise has shown me this morning.
i have never known happiness
til i woke up and felt the butterflies in my stomach.
the sounds of the world ring clearly to me now
as if i had never heard sound before.
i have never been more comfortable in my bones than i am right now.
the coffee tastes a little sweeter.
the music plays a little lighter.
i have never known love like this until i woke up today.

I don't even know how to function right now because i am so happy.
  Sep 17 zeldaxlove64
JR Falk

An Open Letter To The First Boy I Loved

Alternatively known as “An Open Letter To The Boy That Calls Me Crazy.”

The first words you ever “said” to me were in a facebook message,
A picture of your lined arms attached, reading,
“Hah, I’m sorry, but I saw your picture of your scars and felt like showing you these.”

The first thing I should have done was run.
Not only were you immediately trying to make me feel bad
Before I had even uttered a word,
But you were already one-upping me,
Making me feel like you had been through so much more.

I admit my mistake of having shown my weaknesses online
At such a young age,
Hardly 14,
But having grown to a world of romanticized trauma,
I felt it was only normal to have issues of my own,
Whether they were exaggerated or not.

The saddest part of these issues having been forced upon myself
Is the fact that at one point I did not need them,
But now I feel like I would be nothing without them.
I do not blame you for their worsened behavior,
But before I met you,

I had never felt like a slut.
I had never actually made myself bleed to the point of soiling a shirt.
I had never actually attempted to take my life.

Though knowing I had these scars,
It seemed you knew how easily I’d fall into you,
Fall for you,
Looking for comfort in knowing I was not alone.

You persuaded me into kissing you.
You persuaded me into losing my virginity in the back of your mom’s car
While she was in your house on a cold September night.
It was rushed.
It was rough.
There was blood.
And you did not care.
“It’ll be quick, don’t worry.”

In the six months we were together,
I willingly had sex with you twice.
Every other time sexual acts occurred,
(which was over forty times)
You guilted me.
You told me that you deserved it.
You asked if I really loved you.
You told me I needed to show you that I loved you,
You told me that it was what love really was.

I never told you how many times I cried after you left.
I never told you how many guys I kissed after you,
And how every single one made me cry
Without saying a word.
It was the simple intimate touch--
Lips, even if gentle, pressing together--
That sent fear rolling through my body.

It was three months after you broke up with me.
Three months after you admitted that you cheated on me,
It was the day you asked me to go on a walk with you.
The day we could become friends again,
Start over,
Ignore that I still loved you,
Try again.
You insisted you still loved me
(Though now I doubt you ever did).
You insisted that you
Never wanted to hurt me,
And bent me over a tree in the woods
Behind the high school,
And said it would
“Just be in and out! Once!”
And I begged you to stop.
You slapped me,
You called me a slut,
And when you finally finished,
You started to panic.
You were begging me to say that
You
Didn’t
Rape
Me.
Through my own tears,
My own confusion,
My own pain,
I assured you,
“No, you're okay. It'll all be okay.”

It has been over two years since that day.
Since then, I have opened myself up to one person.

That man has since left me.
One of the contributing factors
Being that he was worried I was not over you.
He kept receiving messages from you,
Messages you sent claiming I would never stop loving you,
When this is the closest thing to hatred that I have ever felt,
Messages you sent claiming I would always think of you,
And what’s terrifying is I can’t help thinking of you--

It's only because I can’t get the nightmare
Of your touch
Out of my aching skull
And I don’t want you to feel victorious,
And it terrifies me that you do,
Because not only did you push me,
Not only did you threaten me,
Intimidate me,
RAPE me,
But you insisted I’d spend the rest of my life with you,
You disoriented my visions of love
Like a bad LSD trip,
And I’m so fucking scared it will never fucking end,
Because every time I see myself trying to hug,
Kiss,
Love,
Trust someone,
I see what you did to me and I know that it’s
Baggage to them,
But a ball and chain on me,
And I’m petrified.
These memories are bars keeping me from moving onto happier things,
Keeping me holed up, waiting for you to finally let me go,

Stop telling people that I’m crazy,
Stop whispering my name when you pass me in the hall,
Stop following my social media,
Stop following the people that I try to let in,
Stop fucking with my life,
Stop fucking with my head,
Stop fucking with me,
Leave me the FUCK alone,

The first words you ever “said” to me were in a facebook message,
With a picture of your lined arms attached, reading,
“Hah, I’m sorry, but I saw your picture of your scars and felt like showing you these.”

I never thought I’d have more scars than that.
Over 146 scars,
The police department proved it when they showed up at your house
The night you tried to kill yourself,
And told me it was my fault.

The scars I have aren’t physical.
Not all of them, at least.
But the problem with scars is they don’t just go away.
They go away with time,
And it’s hard to let them heal when you’re still leaving them there today.

I’ve tried telling the police what you’ve done.
I’ve tried telling counselors,
They haven’t done anything;
There was never enough proof,
It happened too long ago.
I can’t do anything to prove it.
Instead I’m left to see you daily.
Instead I’m left to hear you whisper about me.
Have people ask me questions about the things they’re hearing
Things you say.

This is an open letter to the first boy I loved.

I say boy, because
The only thing I’m certain of anymore,
Is you will never
Be a
Man.

I'm bawling right now.
I've needed to get this all out for two years.
I'm almost 18 now. Just clarifying.
5/30-31/2015
zeldaxlove64 Sep 1

Brother and sister running across the yard.
"Sissy, Sissy!" They're shouting.
Reaching me, jumping on me, hugging me, laughing.
I wake up; snap out of it.

Was this a daydream or a memory?

Im not really sure what's reality or what idealism is anymore.
zeldaxlove64 Aug 11

Landin.
Hey little man.
When you were born, my mom wouldn't drive me out to the hospital to see you.
I was so excited to see you I could hardly sleep.
You were the tiniest baby I had ever seen (and the cutest with those dimples of yours).
I was so proud to have a little brother, and not be
an only child on my dads side of the family.
You were my blood. Well, half of my blood anyway.
When I held you for the first time, I was so scared that I had to sit
down because I didn't want to break you.
When your mom, dad, and I brought you home,
we introduced you to our dogs Remi and JJ.
JJ was immediately protective over you. She loved you, booger.
One night, your mom asked me to watch you while
she and dad ran some errands.
I said it was fine, and that of course I didn't mind.
You fell asleep with your head buried in my neck
curled up in my arms.
You were only two weeks old then.
I watched you grow from two weeks to six months, to a year, to three years old.
I watched you figure out how to count to three.
How to crawl.
I watched you take your first step.
I watched you fall.
Every night I would silently tell you I love you, because you were my whole world.
Soon enough, after your sister was born, your mom
started taking me for granted.
Soon enough, you were with me every single day. Sometimes even at night.
I'd rock you to sleep when you were scared.
I'd build you a fort out of blankets and chairs when you were bored.
I'd take you for walks when your mom and dad were fighting
because you'd be crying so hard.
That must have been very scary for you and Khloe both.
I'm sorry that you have to live that life;
Of watching your parents fight and yell and scream
at each other instead of loving each other like they're supposed to.
I hope you'll remember me, little brother.
Your mom and dad made it clear that I am not going to be
a part of your life or Khloe's life.
That pain is unimaginable.
I hope that when you grow up you'll become curious and find me.
I love you so much, Landin.
You have absolutely no idea how much I love you.
If you ever need anything, someone will tell you
where I am, what my number is... My address.
She will tell you, and I will be here for you.
Goodbye for now, little brother.
Love,
Your biggest (and most favorite) sister, Jordyn,

The End.
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