Life was only worth living
With SSRIs in the system
It was only a matter of time
Before I regressed without them
Back to the bottom
Another AllTimeLow
The headaches
The despair
The empty
If I can’t live without you
Do I even deserve to live with you

All I really wanted
Was to be wanted
But now I’m slowly realizing
I only ever wanted
To be wanted by you

Hours passed
Until we slipped away
From the plane of existence
And the pain of persistence
Into a world where everything just worked
All the pieces fit together
Beautiful harmonies our ears were deaf to
Beautiful colors our eyes were blind to
And the lights danced for us
They don’t do that for everyone
And they won’t do that forever
So let’s vibe while the vibes are good

Out of dust we are,
Which answers the question
Of why I love the rain,
Skin run along like sandpaper,
Scratching and mostly unpleasant
I have been made in the rough
And the rough I have become
But when the scent of rain comes
I can’t help but let myself
Become soft to its touch.

Run along to make the feeling
Of my skin more pleasant
But why does it stop so suddenly?
A month straight of rain
And no sun
Then all gone in an instant
Letting the skin I let get soft
Crack and bleed
From the lack of your touch.
Where did it go?
Who thought it was okay
To tell someone you loved them the day before,
So they woke up the next
Blocked.

Why would I trust
Why do I risk this again and again
When all I ever get for it in the end
Is a head full of questions
And both hands empty
Except for the warmth of her hands
That seemed to be there only moments ago
But no more holding your hands
Because you left
And I’m left holding
Holding questions
Again

Invisibility is a cliché wish,
But a night spent staring at the ceiling
Or the wall
With the feeling of existence
Washed to the minimum
By consumption,
Creates a similar feeling
Of invisibility to the senses.

I wish not for invisibility,
I wish to be your ghost
For exclusively your eyes
To witness me
As a shooting star
Scratches the sky
Leaving no trail
For those who missed it.
I hope I don’t miss
The trail of the gentle scratch
You leave in your last touch,
Letting this fleeting moment pass
Without recognition until lost.

If you spend forever in a single moment,
It’s not just a moment anymore,
For if you lose sight of me,
I'll erode away in the river
That you'll toss me in.
Emergence to accept defeat
That I let such a moment
Dissipate to become a lifetime
Of regret is the pressure point
In my mind regarding you.
Losing you now would be unforgivable,
Don’t let me go.

Sometimes the heart of a poet cracks
And before they can worry
About stopping the bleeding
They spill a little out on the page

The things my heart bleeds for
I would share them with you
And I have
The parts of life that make it worth living
I’d share them with you
And I have

But at the end of my rope
When the well has run dry
When staring at this doc a second longer
Could push me over the edge
I give in and write something uninspired
Or even a joke
And that’s what goes viral.
******* for that.

It’s a taste on the tongue like peppermint
As invasive on the sinuses as mothballs,
It’s the precision of a samurai sword across a palm,
With the brutality of a gladius twisting against ribs
More infectious than the black death,
And no cure to stop.
GL HF my friend,
For we are all claimed by something,
And one by it every forty seconds.

It’s a pain in the mind, you see.

To those who have everything,
More will be given,
To those who have nothing,
More will be taken.
I just hope that living in between both extremes
Could lend me a lifetime of the seasoning
You pinch on my days
Providing hope in me through your delicacies.
Don’t worry about something
That you don’t know.
Don’t spend time wishing
When these moments are passing.
The love I give is an eternally full cup
With no bottom.
Pour yours into mine,
And let's see where these moments take us.

someone pressed a button
now all the lights are off but one
a red one blinking steadily
warning of the self destruction that's to come
the backup power moves my body
but even at full strength it was a losing battle
one last breath before my head goes under
and I'm swept away cause I don't want to paddle

Click a button
Watch the numbers climb
Even if it means nothing
The feeling is sublime

My own made rough
By years of discomfort within
Of skin that i wished to the sea
Instead of me wrapping
The passage of time
And evolution has proven
The bottleneck remains deep inside
Through simple confrontation.
Confidence lacking,
Revokes the foundation
Dismantling what was built,
And anxiety threads
Are plucked by fingertips
To tear away the rough
And replenish with red lubricant
Before the clot.

Will I become more confident
By tearing skin back
Ripping shreds to bone
Beyond tendon?
Lie to me
For this tumor
Is beyond any reason
For attempted understanding.

In two weeks, half the year will be gone
Half of our one year together
The time still ahead feels so long
But the time already past so short
Can they really be the same length?
The wax is halfway melted now
So remember the smell
And enjoy the sight of our dancing flame
Dancing carelessly
Because if our wick runs out regardless
I want to put on a show before all that’s left
Is the wafting smoke of a burned-out candle

A steady downpour will hide the tears that never shed
The winding road has many that cross it

My eyes part the streams like stones
Waiting to be eroded away

There’s more of a forest fire in a teardrop
Than the depths of my eyes have ever sparked.

Only gray skies and used lips left
For those few who ever venture here.

Overcast pale skin and used up lips
Tarnish further when hope lights its fire

Someone dig it from my chest to bring color to my skin
Until the forest fires fail to pass on as I do.

We were taken out back
Our blood painted the alleyways
History books called us the best of friends
So many beautiful love stories have been erased
So many of us died in hospital beds
While our immunity wasted away
And the government couldn’t care less
About the loss of a life if you were gay
And if you think that the fight ended in 2015
Then you’re deluding yourself, hate’s still alive today

But I won’t spend another day in the closet
So you can feel more comfortable
My existence isn’t a problem
Burning forever’s not the solution
I’m not sorry that pronouns
Are hard to wrap your brain around
I’m not lost or confused
I’m finally standing proud

I’m not sorry that there’s a month that’s not about you
I’m not sorry living my life the way I want to
Makes you feel so oppressed
Why are you so upset
Why are you so obsessed
With misgendering that man
Because he was born with *******
Why do you detest us

This has nothing to do with you
Just because my sexuality is different
Doesn’t mean yours has to change too
Just because I’m comfortable with he/they
Doesn’t make you going by he/him any less okay
What’s your ******* problem
Get off of my back
And stop pretending
When May is ending
That you’re under attack

I’m done repeating myself
It’s a strain on my mental health
To try to explain something
To someone
Who has no will to learn themself
This has nothing to do with you
So take a step aside
And let us enjoy being free
And encourage each other for future battles
I’m not asking
With or without your compliance
We will not hide
Because this is pride

A fleeting moment passes staring into the darkness
With an impulse procrastination
That has defined the past week
Or has it been a month?
So long that guilt presses against the wall
As the toss of another empty water bottle
Hits the floor.
Unbeknownst is the reality
That the room has become a physical embodiment
Of the headspace lived in.
Staring some nights
At the darkness
Because it’s easier than shining a light
And cleaning up this week’s mess.
Maybe you feel that you don’t deserve
To have a clean room
Because of a voice reminding you
Of all of them you couldn’t help.
How do you deserve a clean room,
When you can’t help anyone?
But you must know
That the glass can only build so much pressure
Before the shatter
And the glass can only pour so much
Before it runs out of itself.
You must know
That cleaning your room
Creates more space to fill with something else;
How can you help someone
If your glass is empty
And the pressure continues to pile on?
How can you change the world
If you can’t even clean your room?

A long time is becoming
Sooner than the grasp of its coming
Once, i could take the drive
Without specifying what time
Until a message would be sent
At only a moment’s notice
In warning of my arrival
Not asking permission
Simply stating i’d be there soon.

Once, the coffe shops defined our friendship
As we sat and spent those thoughts
That would otherwise swirl in rumination
Locked inside the mind only for another
Sleepless, endless night,
But we spent those thoughts on eachother
Digging a deeper hole of understanding;
There’s something about them
That I can’t help but miss.

Once, Drinking felt more healthy than it should have
When it wore down the wall so that all was left
Was the genuine heart breathing in our chest
So many moments
Oh, so many memories that defined us, inseparable
My brother of which i share no blood relation
But the bond formed won’t be shattered
By the miles away you ventured;
We’ve still miles to go.

Don’t these hours fly by
No wonder my body can’t keep up
When my mind can’t comprehend it
The days and weeks pass through
Space faster than light in a vacuum,
For the vacuum of life
Is much more efficient
In ******* out everything
Than we could possibly mimic.

One could might hypothesize
That the tears would have
Drained more than
The veins drawing out
Of the confines of the muscle
Pumping sweltering anger
On such a transportation
Of creating a new home
Out of one recognized for three years.

The stacks upon stacks
Of emotional drainage
After the physical had worn out
From problem after inconvenience
After incompetency.
A departure I wrote an outline for
Before I stood at the border
Of goodbyes,
I quickly threw out.

The itch and discomfort,
The aching and drainage
The constant questions in my mind
Throughout the entire time
Divorced me from the clouds
That I foresaw above us
Hugging goodbyes.
The storm was in the lies
That made me hurt
To see such discomfort in your eyes.

Here’s to the storm’s dispersion,
No good deed can split the coming tidal wave.

Numbness
Numbness
Numbness
Adrenaline floods my veins
My hands go numb
So I won't feel any pain
So I can keep swinging
Until I break your empty brain
Your existence by itself
On humanity has been a stain.

Skin and bones
You reach for my hand
But you can't stop shaking
Your ribs are showing now
And I'll kiss them gently
To flood your brain with those feelings
The chemicals that make you forget
About the hair you watched circle the drain
And the tears in your eyes when you looked in the mirror
To fill your heart with a lust for living again
Stay alive until our next kiss, darling
And the next.. and the next..

i didn’t look back
didn’t hold on tight enough to every moment
because for every great memory
i was so sure another was coming
maybe i trusted a little too much
or maybe i was taking you for granted
i’m not sure what more i could’ve done
but i should’ve

Lost in your head for part of the day
I'm friends with all your voices
And they all have nice things to say
But how'd you get so broken into this
5 people in one mind
But they all call themselves mine
And every day for just a few moments
Every voice comes into sync
And I hear every part of you
With all 5 voices
Tell me you love me

And we rest at the standstill
As life’s colors fade
Bring me an endless paralyze
Against the willow
Amixt the green grass
In the forest deep
With no thoughts more to venture
And no hopeless dreams.

Dissect the place I buried in my head
That I continuously dig up
To bury myself in its stead.
Relinquishing me
Blueprints for burdens
Awaiting construction.
The puzzle has been flipped
So that the pieces all look the same,
There’s no chance.

Bury me by the dock
Beside the willow,
The only friend I have left.
Amixt the green grass
In the forest,
That drains its colors
At the moment
Of my death.

Eyes on me
Heavy breathing on their side of the phone
I live to please
But are we only pretending we’re not alone
Can I get too much
I wanna find out the hard way this time

Sparks like candle wax
Drip from you intrinsically,
Full of energy no matter
How far the sun cowers away.
Mythic in the way
They fly, yet, overlooked somehow
In a sea of people starving to
See the light,

But the loss
Has caged your soul
And cast it away,
And the sparks fly less frequent
As now you recognize
The sky is grey,
You say crying makes you feel weakness,
But glue can only fix some surfaces.
Of which, your soul, is no such one.

Mending cannot transpire
With but glue and tape,
Rather the appliance hinders growth
And transformation.
Weakness is the act of self dishonesty,
And being thrown off
By such a loss as this,
And accepting that grief has accredited you
The will to cry, to taper off the boiling ***,
Is beyond that of growth and strength.

Knowing what you deserve
Must be the hardest step to take,
But taking the wet macular
From staining your eyes,
So that you might let your sparks
Once again shine,
Is at the very least that to which I’ve referred.
One step at a time,
And I’m sure you’ll be right back
To skip yourself along in tranquility,
But glue can only fix some surfaces.

I never thought I'd hear from you again
But then you came back just to say goodbye
Is that supposed to make anything okay
Why tell me that you're leaving if you can't tell me why

Please come back..
Not a part of me holds anything against you
I didn't fill the hole you left with hate
I didn't fill it at all.. your spot still waits for you

The pieces have collected dust
Of the part of me I let slip
From my grasp when the news reached me,
And the pages left under the stack
Waiting to be filed away and put to rest
Have only collected more pages
To prolong me from facing this.

Dread and guilt make me sick,
When I find myself sifting through
Searching page by page,
But my fingers tighten,
My arms weaken,
And I pull my hands from searching,
As my heart and mind
Concur that I’m still not ready
To fully put it to rest.

I miss you,
And sometimes it’s hard to see
With the overcast sky,
And no rain to compliment it,
But there are no excuses today.
I’m finally ready to let you go,
And I’m sorry I held on for so long.
It’s a long barren road ahead,
Not so different from the path
Already stepped behind me,
But I know from all those nights with you
That I shouldn’t be in such a rush
To clear this path.


I’ll find a way to laugh
Despite the cloudy skies,
And find a way to smile
As time continues on by,
But it’s time to let you go
And deal with the pieces
I let time take beyond memory.
You always knew
How to put it all back together,
But you taught me laughter
Can put anything in remission.

Love, Josh
xoxo

Lift those heavy eyelids
Another day’s begun
No rest if you want to get ahead
No rest if you don’t want to fall behind
No rest
Just keep those legs moving
Just keep breathing burning breaths
And maybe you can trade in all your missed sleep
And tired muscles
For enough to get by until it’s time for your permanent rest

Trust is a limited currency
For those who have wronged us,
And the wall subconsciously built
In a day, can only be taken a part
Brick by brick,

But those who speak
For the force unheard,
Only proven to exist in a feeling
Or in the passed down book,
I think, are given too much credit.

Speaking for that which cannot speak for itself
Inherently is wrong, yet these priests
We give our trust
Despite the controversy
They always bring up

Speaking for not the god
That those sitting there
Came to hear about,
But speaking for those
There sitting.

Swaying and advising
The path they take and what direction
And nodding heads,
And right hands pointed to the sky
Tell you nobody pays much attention.

For a priest
Who preaches abstinence
And practices excess
On the underaged sons,
Open your eyes.

That stage shouldn’t be upheld
By one who sways people
Against one another,
But with the bible in the right context,
Anything could be directed towards anyone.

Limit your currency of trust
For those who prove
They deserve it,
The church can heal,
But my, oh my, can the pasture bleat.

It’s like a bomb going off,
All you can do
Is admire from a distance
At the pinnacle of mankind’s
Mode to self destruction
And either go crazy
Trying to survive the coming wave,
Or sit there waiting
To be buried
By the steady increase
Of the coming sound.

No warning
A trusting heart
Dropped from the peak
Of the lover’s climb
But by the time she noticed
I was already back at the base
Dragged to the bottom by the emptiness
That comes from burned out receptors
Where only doubts and pain now grow

Conversations with therapists later
Old wounds began to heal
Mental balance restored through pills
And good friends
But now free of the emptiness’ grasp
My eyes could see clearly the scene I had caused
And the weight of my betrayal crushed me

Now 7 months and a day
From the time I knew I loved her
Without warning
My heart is dashed on the rocks
At the base of the lover’s climb
Where my darling sits with an expressionless face
But I won’t hold any bitterness
I know she was dragged
She didn’t walk freely
And with this defiance of the cycle
I hope she can be saved from the guilt at the end of healing

Calm is the storm when you’re away
Dreaming I’m sure of what I’m thinking,
And what desires I crave.
There’s a creature lurking behind the treeline
Of the distant forest, and a part of me
Yearns to adventure there
To see what ways it’ll have me.

A cage unlocked by undone straps,
Button, zipper, and tied laces,
And torn clothes from impulsive thirst
For more skin to be shown,
I know you crave it.

The bark will make its mark
As torn skin likewise will against it,
Follow me to the treeline,
Where none but the feral dare go,
To have their way
As the domesticated
Run for suburbia.

There’s nothing to fear
If your beast fights as mine,
For where’s the fun in vanilla,
When red is such a pretty color,
You don’t need to be careful with me,
Show me what you’re made of.

Tonight, let’s be the new urban legend,
And dismiss the thoughts of making it out alive
Or letting the sunrise save us from our fate.

Fighting's too much work
The punches keep coming
No matter how many I dodge
So I'm learning to take the hits on my chin
Let it happen
And keep moving

I wish it were sad to see you go,
But the hatred I hold in my fists
And the swelling need
For this bottle to burst
In your face makes it hard
To not wish you left right away
Without putting in your 2-weeks.
2 more weeks to waste my time
Steal from the company
Make future relationships
For you to cheat on your husband

You always quit before people can fire you,
And I hope since your husband is the one
Who will hire you, you’ll show him no more
Respect than you show me,
And you’ll finally go **** your friend
That you always rant to me about.

I can’t stand it any more.

Empty bags and candy wrappers
Left strewn about
From my last attempt
To fill this feeling
To suppress this anxiety
Only for it to fail
And give birth to a different sickness

The rage I feel when I look in the mirror
The body I was given
And all that I have done to it
I want it to be beautiful
But just can’t keep up with the work
So the burning grows inside
I’ve gotta let it out
And I want it to hurt

There’s no one else to blame
No other half
I’ve just one brain
There is no wicked tempter
Only chemically driven impulse
I only lose my temper on myself
I want to squeeze til there’s no pulse
I want to shatter my mirror
And use the broken pieces
To carve the body I wished to see
When the mirror was whole

Evolution has chosen jealousy
To be an intrinsic trait for us all
Even at the top of the world,
Novels and songs are written
About how much easier life is
At the bottom of the *****.
Perhaps this is the reason
For the routine poisoning of ourselves
Just for a break from all the monotony
To finally be someone else
If only for an evening.
Drinking and smoking
To celebrate to become
Someone else…
Nobody, in this life, wants to be
themselves.

I hope you feel like a big strong man
When you only pick the fights you know you can win
Only for the sake of beating somebody else
In your world it’s tactics
But in mine it’s cowardice
If an advantage is an advantage
And that’s all that matters
Don’t cry foul when karma’s work is carried out
And the big strong manly hunter is reduced to helpless prey

Clear
Deceit
Knowing
Life is noise
And the static
Breaks the silence
When thoughts emerge
With violence turning their heads
Are we made to just burn on our knees for the king?
It’s time to stand on our own cliff
Away from their wealth
Embrace the static
Invite silence
Noise is life
Until We
All Fall
Slowly

Can’t wait for the sun
Can’t wait for good rain
We’re pulling fruit off the tree early
Just to get something on the table today
I wish I had the time to let these thoughts grow
But this year demands it’s daily tribute
And so we will bring an offering
Of what we can manage to grow in a day
And mourn the loss
Of things that could have been so beautiful

Who knew
Feeling so fine
Could be so frustrating

Writing has been therapy
A mode of self expression
On my worst days
I can let out all the sadness
And all the rage
Put them into words
Fill another page
But what do I do when everything’s fine?

As artists we strain to capture things
Feelings or descriptions of events
Meticulously obsessing over every detail
So that when you hear that soaring melody
After the dissonance resolves
And your eye catches the little details
Painted in so carefully
And the words like bricks
Build up the image of our mind’s musings
You get it.
It resonates with you.
But what is there to do
When nothing is breaking my heart
Nothing is making me happy or angry
My mind is devoid of curious thoughts
Only filled with contentment

I can’t help feeling
I took those painful nights for granted
Where I cried myself to sleep
Just wishing something would change
Because now I’ve gotten so efficient
At describing the pain
That I’m lost on a day that’s just fine


Seven-thousand words,
And a shining moon in the sky,
Waxing and waning the nights away,
The well has been drained for so long
Every poem so raw,
Unfinished, sparking at the first idea
That lets the stem spread
From the seed.

Today is unusually mundane,
And nothing seems to find a place on the page,
Since nothing seems short of fine.
Who knew that the night could be so peaceful
All alone riding these waves,
With no cloud blocking the stars in the sky
Who knew that the weight carried
Would pile on
Until floating here in the middle
Didn’t feel so difficult all of a sudden,

The pages turn,
The days pass on,
And the weight slowly gets lifted off,
But where do you turn when there’s nothing left
To be said?
Where do you turn,
When the wind doesn’t set the sail
In any particular direction,
And the sun sets a moderate temp?

Trouble and turmoil
Makes the story more engaging,
But the truth is in the calm waves
And the cloudless sky,
Giving a sense of peace
Not found so often;
I’m not sure if it’s worth a lie
To engage more to read,
When I’d rather think about
The gentle breeze
And clear sky.

Dissociation saves, in my soul,
A shard of grief
For the next friend of mine
That leaves.

Hiding away into fantasy,
Pretending when I let mind
Slip from the hinges
Into the foresight.

An Atlas hold on my sky
Before the fall,
Knowing bracing
Won’t save bone from
Shards and splinters.

Fearful of loneliness
And forgottenness,
Shaking at honesty
Taking my fingertips
To write the truth.

Fantasy embraces me gladly,
As the thought of you two leaving,
Takes sanity and peels it
Like a scab.

Please don’t forget about me, my friends.

Existential horror
Trapped in a loop
You’d become centered again
Only to ask me the same question again
“What happened to me?”
And I must give you the same answer
“You were in an accident”
This is the world I live in
Of horrible pathologies
But for those who love you
It was an overwhelming terror
And an ever deepening sadness
Every time you asked who they were
The son you raised
And the wife who raised him with you
Every bit of you taken
You can’t even remember who you are
By the time you think to ask
You’re back at square one
Until you never return to us
Your brain keeps your heart beating
And your lungs expanding
Just a little longer
And though you’re gone now
I take comfort in the fact
That there is no mind to suffer anymore

Was it the crook in my neck,
Or the tension in my back
That set me off course
To start the day?

Was it my sore feet,
Or the dust in my lungs
That sparked a thread
Of anger inside me?

Was it, perhaps,
A dream I had forgotten
Before my eyes blinked awake?
I could feel my heart racing…

The stars seem more dull,
The sky, a tinge more grey,
My step with less motivation,
And mind, less patient.

I’m missing something
That I don’t remember now,
But I feel it when the wind
Runs around my neck.

You can see the goosebumps emerge,
And a sigh of relief push out
With a moment of tilting back my head
And eyes closed.

Today, I’m missing something
That I’ve forgotten,
But I miss it now more than ever;
Can I make it stop?

We’re past the sinking feelings
At rock bottom there’s no further to fall
Except six feet further
And I know everybody has these thoughts
But it’s getting harder every day
To say no and to keep on living

Would it be wrong then
To keep you in the dark
Knowing your words will never reach me
Would you rather say you tried
Or would the guilt
Of having tried and failed
Consume you too?

Would it be wrong
To give you just a little more normal
Or at least the illusion of it
Not tell you about the bomb inside
That you wouldn’t be able to defuse
Would you prepare for the inevitable
Fight against impossible odds
Or drive yourself to insanity

There’s no easy way to say
That I’m thinking of ending things
And I don’t want to see you
Try to stop me
So I’m sorry
But I chose to give you a little longer
Of not worrying about a battle you can’t win
Not worrying about the bomb
That can no longer be defused
Until the day that you find me
What was me on the bathroom floor
And all the normalcy in your life
Is blown to smithereens

Just because your team ***** this year,
Doesn’t mean you’ll shift your support,
You’ll defend them as you would yourself,
As though your life depends on the opinion.

It's like the turning of a faucet
If you stay in the hot too long you'll boil your hand
If you stay in the cold you'll freeze
Are you going to move before you get punished
Or are you going to stick with your team?

Justified in your opinion
As you won the game,
You’ll shoot the opposition down
Claiming “fake news” as a bleat
That only adds irony
To your flock of sheep.

But don’t get me wrong:
The other side bleats just as loud,
With the wavering cries
And nights spent in paranoia,
After calling out at the other side,
You’re just as bad.

Address your strengths together,
Understand each other’s weaknesses
And prejudices to stop the fire from spreading,
Because spending every four years undoing
What the other side has done
Leads on a winding path to nowhere.

It's like the turning of a faucet, I said,
A faucet of denying that both sides
Have gone much too far.
Turn on the other side,
To combine both,
Or we’ll only ever exist in fire-hot or freezing-cold.

The look in your eyes
I wonder if I have it too
When we’re so caught up in each other
Fast-beating hearts and heavy breaths
Try not to make a sound
When all I want to do is scream your name
My mind’s been on fire
With all the happy chemicals
Since your hand touched mine
Sweaty bodies coming closer
To that beautiful shared euphoria
The heat fogs the windows
I hope nobody sees us

What should be so perfect and happy
Is tainted by stray thoughts
It’s not that I don’t love you..
I’m just scared..
This love could get us killed

"It doesn't matter what we make as long as we make something"

(Tomorrow will be better)

Sometimes I have gay thoughts
So you could say I got a fruity brain
If I sat too long and got a pressure ulcer
I guess you’d call that ***** pain
I only hit 360 no-scope headshots
When I play that Call of Duty game
I think about food 14 hours a day
I guess it’s just a foodie thang

And so the cycle repeats
From one in-person
To six online,
And the projection for the next year
Is likely to continue
With a moving average
Of about the same lows and highs,
Producing a straight, flat line.

Don’t bet on me.