Sometimes I wonder

if I even survived
my childhood.

Maybe some part of me
is sleeping
up on the hill.

One of those
Nightmares
That I couldn't escape
Carried me off
In its jaws

and so maybe
I am planted.
Looking down
At all the people
I can't remember.

I hope that I am ashes.
I never wanted a stone.

The hunger to scratch and claw
upon the flesh of my face
is usually when my mind
begins to vanish without a trace.

Descending into darkened madness
fills me with fear
but the descent has begun.
Insanity is near.

There, I see a body,
hanging from a rope.
Dead and gone is the
feeling of hope.

Blood splattered across the walls
beckons me to walk these gruesome halls.

The need for open flesh
grows stronger.
Insanity won't be held back
much longer.

A knife to the wrist,
then a quick twist,
will give way to everything
delusion has wished.

A smile etched upon my face,
while a giggle escapes my lip,
as my heart begins to race,
making me lose grip.

I allow the fall and descend
into madness,
but when I am there,
I begin to panic.

Where is the girl I once knew?
Before darkness grew,
inside her like a wildfire,
creating the need to bleed dire.

Yet here I am,
with red on my wrist and hand.
The descent isn't so fun,
once you finally land.

I was once a classically trained pianist:

My nails cut weekly down to the bit
and internal tongue ta-ta-ta-ta, ta-tee-tee
ta-ta, tom tuned to the metronome.

Daily hours meant:
bent stick straight up
scales and etudes then
sonatas and scherzos and waltzes and nocturnes and preludes and arias

and movements memorized
by fingers that knew the way
and weight of adjusted arms.

What is the value of
a wrong note alone

or amongst many,

of memory incapable
and fingers fallible?

I feel out of place
in the summertime-
oversized and awkward,
forcing smiles that
crack and peel
and pretending
that I am bold
that I am unaffected
that I am ready
as I shove black thoughts
back down into
silent fissures.

Now fall is creeping in
with great grey plumes
of september clouds
and all of those slippery
dark thoughts bubble up
and out to settle
in every corner.

And I vacillate
from mind-numbing
sorrow and overwhelming
exhaustion to
glittering highs
from the beauty of it all-
the contrast is acutely
melancholic and
sweet at once.

I pour out feelings
that stick to my canvas
and make love
in shallow pools
of moonlight
and smile at something
that feels real
and I am bold
I am unaffected
I am ready.

The waves tossed about in her soul
while I drifted perilously in the deluge
all the while wondering what monsters swam below.

With thunder in her voice
and lightning in her eyes
I knew that the blood of the gods
still pumped through her veins,
but I was still just a man adrift.

I longed to calm her tempest,
but I wanted it to rage just as bad.
Her lips were salty and solid,
and gave no hint of the hurricane within.

She was a storm destined to be wild.

the way he rolled his cigarettes was godly
and i know baby that you miss how he tastes of smoke and loneliness
and i know that you miss breathing in his aroma of stale coffee and sweat

you told me about how his hands caressed you like you were a whisper
and how he bit into your skin like you were something to be devoured

Cold sweats and shower heads leak into the seams of our worst fears and dreads,
Momma didn't raise no fool,
I'll be good as dead when they finally show

Relapse,
Relapse,
Relapse

I can feel it again,
The existential dread,
Crawling through my bones, out of my skin and into my head

My best friend is my wall,
I drink to numb the feeling,
She don't love me, but she loves my mom

Tonight we are leaving and we are never coming back the same way

Relapse,
Relapse,
Relapse

I've got a feeling,
A feeling of the cold and hazy blue,
I can feel you, I can feel you,
I've been thinking too much of you

Relax,
Relax,
Relax

I'll keep hitting it, I'll keep taking it in, willingly,
Because you asked me to

Your love of the yellow rose,
My cuts and the yellow thorns,
I'm torn and you don't feel it,
It's okay, I would never ask you to

If I could go back, if I could change anything,
I'd change the way you looked at me,
Only heaven knows the way I look at you

I've been dragging the lake for my friends,
I'll never find any because they're all dead

Relapse,
Relax,
Recompose,
Rot,
Decompose

I've been thinking too much of you

Not a day goes by
That love bugs don't invade my mind
And butterflies flutter like fireworks in the sky
Not a day goes by
When my heart isn't hammering
And I want to tease you like we're in grade school
On the play ground
Not a day goes by
Where I'm not hoping you
Cho-cho-chose me because I can't get over
Everything you are

I can't get over
You kissing me
I can't get over
You picking me
I can't get over
You loving me
I can't get over
You
The reason I am
Me