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Sep 2 · 15
Back in the box
spacewalker Sep 2
I’m trapped in a box
I tried so hard to leave,
even with no silver locks to keep me in,
I feel pinned

I’ve left before
But alas, I’m here again
Back in the box,

I know my place
I exist to entertain
me and everyone I know,
knows where not the same

I come from a place of sadness and pain
Back in the box of societal shock
I know my place,
Sitting in my box of shame
Aug 22 · 90
Across the street
spacewalker Aug 22
I would of loved you *****
But you loved everone else
I watched you day and night
Spreading your legs and letting every man come inside but me
You didn't even look at me
Never even said hello
But I looked at you
I've always looked at you
I couldn't stand to see you violate yourself
For men unworthy

So now your mine
The only man who knows what you want
The one man who knows how you like it
The only man you need to see

Your fighting me now but
you'll like being mine eventually
Aug 22 · 121
Thinking Thinking
spacewalker Aug 22
I'm happy,
as long as I don't think too much
Don't think about my anger or sadness or anything really that reminds me of how life is so tough

Tears of laughter hide tears of pain
I laugh like everone else,
but it's just not the same

My dammed river of emotions is building up again and I think it's gonna burst,
I'm thinking more now,
and I think this new wave of depression will hurt a little worse
Aug 10 · 175
spacewalker Aug 10
I've almost done it before,
but always by myself.
Always too ashamed to ask for help.

Tried to force myself off it on my own, but
who am I to sit and beg for help on a telephone?

I've always had friends with me,
yet suffered alone.
Hasn't killed me before, so how about just one more though?

I didn't do it for like two days a month ago,
I'm not addicted.
And I wont do it for the rest of the day,
I c- I can stick with it

Cuz I'm not addicted,
I just like the way it feels

I'm not addicted,
but I'm running out of money for these pills
spacewalker Aug 2
I see a man smiling wide in the lobby,
But I know there's a storm deep inside his body

End stage cancer has filled his lungs,
Today he way playing at the park with his daughter in the sun

Today was probably his last day of fun

Just a brief check up is what I said,
Now I have to tell him he's alive,
but he's dead

He's a dead man walking,
but he doesn't know it yet

How will I tell him death now owns his breath?
Jul 19 · 131
The cycle
spacewalker Jul 19
I'm happy, but I don't feel that way.

From cutting wrists and tormented sleep,
I've come so far,
but sitting alone in my car,
I know just how close my feeling are to being dragged right back to when I felt nothing at all.

Life's good, but not good enough

My smiles were fake,
Only real when I got baked
But even that somehow felt better then being so close to falling back into that dark place

I think I loved the chase,
but it's over now

I'm happy
I guess,
But terrified too

Because I know the only feeling that can come next
Jun 1 · 319
The empty stable
spacewalker Jun 1
The darkness inside me left,
But so did the light
Stuck with the emptiness of stability,  
I have no demons left to fight
My bittersweet friends met bittersweet ends
So now who's going to give me my insecurities about my weight and my height?
Who's going to restore my anxiety with that perfect sight?
What's going to make me feel like **** as I cry myself to sleep at night.
I'm stable now,
but it just doesn't feel right
Jan 2 · 158
A Flicker
spacewalker Jan 2
Life is a spark of light flickering briefly in the darkness of before birth and after death.
Rejoiced we should be at this spark,
but leave it to us to find so much darkness in our short breath
Leave it to us to have these vivid colors and see gray at every step
Leave it to us to be left as dust and let our memories between the light be simply brushed away
Mar 2020 · 82
Duality of appearance
spacewalker Mar 2020
Ketamine and ******* on the streets of new York city

Homeless models at lavish *****,
Unimaginable ugly lies just behind this hollow pretty walls.

Camera flashes and snubbed ashes,
Giving head in scribbled stalls
In a world that lacks all pity,
How I do look quite pretty
spacewalker Nov 2019
That lamp
That stupid lamp
acting like an inanimate object
But its not
No, its deception run deep
But I can see past it
Yes, yes
I saw it move
I swear it
Twelve little toes it walks along
moving under the flicker of its light
Thats why the normal man fails to see
I see it though
I want to unplug it
Let it stay dormant in the dark
But dare I move and miss where it goes
Jul 2019 · 325
spacewalker Jul 2019
winters lifeless lips breathe out bitter air. Snow falls down onto silent town squares for no one to see.

Yet here I am
I wander along as the lone source of breath on streets where only shadows walk
I drift aimlessly through the white painted town.
Giving empty streets corners a new shadow
And then taking it back just as fast.

In an hour any trace of me being on this street is gone.
In a lifetime or so any trace of me ever being might be gone too.
My whole existence might be for nothing at all.
So I'm left with a question:
If nothing I do stays the way I made it
Then why change anything at all?
May 2019 · 398
War profiteers
spacewalker May 2019
Red sky at night
Brings great fright
To those that profit from the storm
The spinning winds, blackened skies
Oh wind, Oh ocean, how classic

Lifeboats without Raging waters and
whitecaps are just overpriced orange floats  
The loss of life is tragic yes
But who would want a lifeboat if it never rained?
It truly only happens sporadically
though you wish it not happen at all
But alas, it must
for the profit from the storm
Jan 2019 · 202
Midnight encounter
spacewalker Jan 2019
After the red sky charred and the moon lit the sky. I felt a wave of  exhaustion push close my eyes. I felt the waves drag me into The dream weavers caverns. As my body twisted and turned they wove a tapestry of my scattered thoughts around me. All my wishes and all my wish-nots strung together into a silky magical cloth. They hung it over my shoulders. It was weightless. If I tossed it would surely fly. They tugged on my gift, drifting me me from star to star till the moon dropped and faded away. They all kissed me goodbye and floated to space with the rise of skys first morning rays
Dec 2018 · 469
Red water
spacewalker Dec 2018
Tie weights on my feet,
let the water take me home.
Watch the air escape my lips,
And the shadows engulf my toes,
the water drags me into blackness,
Let The light in my eyes twinkle out
Watch my lifeless body spin a tale of
A struggle that never was, with a final
glance down see that I am no more
Then turn around and walk back
As I rest on the devils moor
Nov 2018 · 265
spacewalker Nov 2018
A Thousand different colored skys Stitched together around you and I.
But we're to caught up in the dust, looking ***** instead of looking up.
And when we do look up to the sun we put our hands up to block the out glare. Darkness once filled our unknowing eyes till we stared up into the light, now I know what I knew all along; just because we don't see it mean its not there.
Oct 2018 · 3.4k
spacewalker Oct 2018
I see the sympathy pour from your lips,
A waterfall of meaningful words I'm sure

but I'm fixated on the twinkle in your eye,
it reminds me of the midnight sky
The midnight sky my lover was taken under
The stars stood witness yet they took no pause in their dance above the clouds
Now the stars are hidden well behind the sun
blue skies don't make you smile
at your lovers funeral

The stars in you eyes make me sad,
Obsession with revenge takes hold
so I mutilate them.
   a slurpy cosmic soup
sits behind your tired eyelids

A small victory in the war with the sky
Fighting an unwinnable fight can turn a man into a monster
Oct 2018 · 517
spacewalker Oct 2018
Feelings don't drip from my lips like honey
Its hard for me to talk
Id rather be stung a hundred times
Then tell you my deepest thoughts
I'm a hive of negative mindsets
pain trapped in a hundred unbreakable locks
When I try to take them off even I can get lost
So I keep them hidden
I'm just not in the mood
Feelings don't drip like honey but stay in my throat like glue
Sep 2018 · 322
Space cadet
spacewalker Sep 2018
deep blue sea of stars dancing in the waves of time
the lone rays of light swim into my sparkling eyes
ghosts suns I'm seeing, have lived and surely died
what I see is an older time
when the earth still stood silent
and all the stars aligned
it would still be quite
but you keep talking
about politics
or some ****
I really don't care
I'm high as ****
so shut the hell up
 And look up and stare
I'm back
May 2018 · 714
If I had
spacewalker May 2018
If I had a gun to my head,
Would I freeze in awful terror

If I had a gun to my head,
Would I cower in fear
Or welcome the speeding metal

If I had a gun to my head,
Would I fear for my life
Or would I welcome death
As it would be my life I'm afraid of

If I had a gun to my head,
Would it be my finger on the trigger
Would it be held by my own hand
May 2018 · 631
spacewalker May 2018
I do not fear death
I fear the absence of it
I fear the continual existence of life
I fear earth's inability to recycle death into life
I fear the extensive lengths man will go to extend our unescapable fates
I fear the abundance of life will take away from the quality of it
But no,
I do not fear death
I do not fear death
Apr 2018 · 560
spacewalker Apr 2018
Is life real or is it fake?
Is life real or are my dreams just as true as what I see when I'm awake?
Is life real or a well-crafted lie?
Is life real or just a tragedy scripted all in my mind?
Is life real or just a play where everyone dies?
Is death the end or the chance for another try?
Is  death a long goodnight or a fresh start in another life?
Jan 2018 · 482
Nightime eyelids
spacewalker Jan 2018
In my dreams, I die
Those are my peaceful ones
In my nightmares, I live
And this pain drones on like a one-note song
A poor rhyme played on a one stringed guitar,  each note is like a new bar added to my cage

Even in my sleep, my pain is not erased. No window to a better place, no frame with a glass pane. No amount of  Sweet dreams can make my sleep a reality
Jan 2018 · 494
spacewalker Jan 2018
in the blue skys, I find my way
in the gray ones, I am lost
every day I walk this maze
yet still I haven't found the finish
there are so many ways to take one step
some I have forgot

being trapped in here
turned me quite the cynic
I don't trust anybody I find in it

but as long as the skies are blue
I just might find my way
I must keep fighting the fog
keep up the daily struggle
just to keep away the Haze
haven't shared in a while, so here it is :)
Jan 2018 · 328
spacewalker Jan 2018
If you were a flower
You’d have Razor sharp leaves
Dark-crimson petals
And a small bitter seed
If you were the only kind of flower in the field
I’m certain the honeybees would rather starve  
then land on your pedals to feed
then spread your poisonous powder
Then give rise to your seed
If you were a flower i’d never go outside
But your not a flower
And i'm not a bee
Dec 2017 · 3.5k
blurry clarity
spacewalker Dec 2017
trying to make a rhyme in time
before my feeling lock me out

trying to find the time to write it down
when I really just want to drown it out

I try,
I know men don't cry,
but little boys do
I have a bit of both I guess
but guess what one I use

thighs that remind me
of a drunk man drawing
on a scratchboard
with a knife

strifes break out between parts of my mind
tearing me apart from the inside

what pride?

I'm whats left
if you take away all the right
and leave all the wrong

I'm the awkward hello
and the silent goodbye
did you hear me whisper
oh wait
no one heard
or maybe no one cared
I'm not ready
but I am prepared  
I don't belong here

Dec 2017 · 7.3k
acid-washed colors
spacewalker Dec 2017
take a trip with me
take a hit
come touch the stars
in a blimp
fly through space with me
chase bright blue cats
hit stars with baseball bats
let's shoot wisps of rainbows
from our fingertips
let's make out in the shade of blue
and dark purple
and green too
let's sit on the couch
and get lost in the haze
soar to the moon
color all the grays
one more trip
and then i'm through
So bye for now
Little moon
Nov 2017 · 481
the pinpricks in the sky
spacewalker Nov 2017
Please stars,
.      Explain to me the reason for my respiration
✦.        soft mortal brains cannot comprehend the situation        
.  .    .     our fleeting existence comes with certain annihilation
    ✦    .    trapped in this dimension
       .    ✦ dragged along time
✦  .     .   racing through the now
   .   .     capable of only mental exploration.
  .✦ .   but for the false belief of divine creation
    .   Sooner come death than an explanation
Nov 2017 · 512
spacewalker Nov 2017
A bluebirds chirpy song shakes off the morning's dew
a flap of its wings and into the fresh air,
she adds a drop of blue

soaring high up above the clouds
as the sun slides behind the glistening orange sea
and the moon wakes up from its sunset-bathed sleep
she tilts her head to the sky to see the stars twinkle into to life
she flys to touch them
but bluebirds aren't unlaced
the sky's the limit
but the stars are in space
over and under there is no escape
everything living is tied to this place

the earth is a zoo
exhibit one is the jungle
welcome visitors from space
please don't be afraid
the creatures of the earth are locked tight in their cage
the thick stained glass windows of the sky
safely seclude this planetary base

ants crawl
bluebirds fly
gazelles roam
and little boys cry
visitors are yet to come to the zoo
but are we the keepers or caged animals too
Nov 2017 · 428
dark feathers
spacewalker Nov 2017
I'm a raven with dulled down talons  
unable to catch a meal: I starve and thin
my harsh black feathers turn light as they fall from my grayed skin.
a meal fit for a king but served to all
I lick the blood caked around my beak
but old blood tastes bleak
Ahead of Ensuing havoc on the broken skin I once again become too thin
a fallen soldier
might as well be a feather
hell and hell and gone forever
ravens are the devil's soldiers.
Nov 2017 · 418
spacewalker Nov 2017
driving sixty down an unlit dirt road
crying and dreaming of hitting a telephone pole
seeing a rope holding a small boat quite loose
using that rope to tie a tight new noose
cutting onions and bursting into tears
putting arsenic in all my beers
overanalyzing everything I said
turning the bathtub to a dark red
sitting scrubbing my feet
cleaning my head
laying in bed

waiting for death
but I can't do it
Nov 2017 · 902
spacewalker Nov 2017
Leave the past behind,
If only for tomorrow

Sprint through the stars,  
Shatter the void with your soles
­Reality is to much to handle,
            Let go
Fall out of gravity's grasp and nothing can hold you back

Scream into the void of space
nothing will carry the sound

Don't go back to earth
I'm not
                                                             ­        I'm done spinning around
Nov 2017 · 818
dried tears
spacewalker Nov 2017
Red river run, down my hips
erode away my pain in a false sense of bliss
roaring river groans, silent to all but me
Red river runs, red drops let free
Blue bird sings as my only messenger
But small blue bird can't change the flow, no
Red river flows, I watch the river's reach
twist and turn, grow and grow
Oct 2017 · 670
spacewalker Oct 2017
what can't come out on canvas
comes out of my wrist
strokes of black and streaks of red
help control my silent fits
I pound the wall with my fist
blood trickles from my hips
but it's ok
I'm used to this

I blend paint with pain
brush with blade
only difference is,
pain fades paint stays
Oct 2017 · 6.1k
no rules allowed
spacewalker Oct 2017
no rules allowed and chaos ensues
alcoholics start hitting up the *****
teens start trying on Holocaust shoes
men in black suits keep signing off on paper
no regard for woman no they just **** her
people once in power now cry in the shower
but at least they can't feel the fear on the streets today
people still fearing to be gay
people still fearing to say hey
no way
tired black suits just sign away
Oct 2017 · 724
god is everywere
spacewalker Oct 2017
I found Jesus
in the trunk of my car

I found Jesus
in the back row of the church choir

I found Jesus
in a shootout with the police

I found Jesus
giving head in a thrift store fleese

he said come home
and to heaven I go
but my singed hairs said maybe not so
Sep 2017 · 316
forgotten girl
spacewalker Sep 2017
Time nearing twelve years passed
Since the last thought of me was conceived
Now  I'm a forgotten girl in a world of memories
I sat down wishing to die and soon my soul was breached
gone from this world of all knowing  but  yet no trace of me
A surprise should be
To see the world without I
But you've been doing it your whole life
you can't bring me back
You don't even know my name
I'm forgotten
And you can't

— The End —