ALJones Jul 3

Following false shepherds like sheep
Wandering half asleep in my mind state
Depressed sinking to the depths of the sunken place
Blind confessions not knowing the next step
Soaking in the tears I wept
Feelings of shame and vulnerability
Sign of the stars falling I'm hard on me
With no shelter to cover me
Shutter shivering between the freezing anxiety and navigating this journey with a shattered compass

ALJones Jul 3

You'll never know the struggle of my life
It's a tale of great hell
Full of murderers hovering over their victims with a knife
A plight understood by a select sect of the people with a dialect and diametric separation from the majority in a country where I feel I don't belong
The place I'm supposed to call home
A land where I'm neglected
Institutionally uneducated
Unlawfully searched and stereotypically suspected

ALJones Jun 11

You were there for me
A long time for you I hadn't been
and what I did stepping out negating our vows to lay down with another lady maybe the worst day I've ever known
Knowing full well what I had at home
Taking for granted your patience, never having to be alone
Having someone to put up with my idiosyncrasies my mood changes
A woman who never let on
or hung onto my anti-social Newton Cradle mood swings
A soul who put hers to the side to provide more space for my own ego
No one knows and handles me better
But when it was my turn to return the compassion I was selfish
Full of arrogance
Not once putting myself in your shoes or a thought about what you were going through

ALJones Jun 8

Despite yesterday's view
In retrospect my perspective was skewed
Imbued by necessity the obligatory nature of my being let me know by the time we got married what I felt for you wasn't love
In my head and in my heart I was in love with someone else
What I felt for you was something else
Worried about what people would think if I backed out and how I would be perceived if I Iet all the people we invited to wedding down
I feel you suspected my feelings of wanting out
So as the paint cracked
And the lies of the facade seeped out Doubt crept in
AND so begins a twisted malodorous case study
Where the relationship that once existed
The thing that brought life in this world
all remnants remembrances and everything that went along with it withered
All that remains is a child who's person and emotions are full of tread marks and darks stains
Along with a relationship with her father that's depriving
By a mother
Constantly striving to lessen the idea of what it means to have a  father
Sedating relational ambitions
Withholding notes and teachings
Exhibiting passive aggression so aggressively
that at 14
my daughter's subconscious tendencies of moments of directed  anger toward me
What I get see is a child with idea of what a Fathers means all I do
I recognize the end game for you was a subterfuge
After all these years in your fight against me
You used our daughter as a guillotine  
Over something that for a long time has been over
You win
It's obvious to me that the power she you over my daughter means I  won't have a true relationship with my babygirl until shes much, much older

ALJones Jun 8

I used to love you more than I imagined a broken man could love anyone
For a moment in my existence an armistice existed between my soul and palatable anger at the world
Self loathing that I became accustomed to living with for the first time
I wasn't abiding in a space where I was conquered by loneliness and millions of anxieties racing across my mind
In this uncharted territory I was frozen in time
intertwined with who I thought would be the love of my life
For the rest of my life
Surety filled me
We were beings
Two star crossed lovers intersecting perfectly
In that life
In that time
You couldn't tell me
I knew exactly how my future would turn out to be
So much so without knowing you fully
I jumped head first
20,000 leagues into a sea where longing to love and be loved by the one who I thought God made for me was finally within reach
The more that I locked in on the beauty of what was happening
I could feel myself absorbing you in
Obsessing abnormally desiring only to breathe you in was my life's mission
I could feel my insides churning turning my rationale inside out
But after all this time it hurts but feels right how things would ultimately turn out...

ALJones Apr 23

Split open my flesh
widen the space so you can speak  directly to my spirit
Let nothing stand between me and  your revelation
Awaken a newness let nothing come between us
There's a way in
whether through the front way or the back way
I desire to enter in and begin again

ALJones Apr 22

Eerily present her presence existed in the absence of her physical appearance
remnants of her energy had the ability and spirituality of loss and chaos
fear and anger reigned
brokenness rained
the atmosphere weathered with spirits old
so tangible you could hear them screaming screeching reaching out for the next victim
hate hidden in the cracks of old feelings and misguided memories demons dead wanting others to die to accompany them in deathly prison desiring the maxim for others to feel the pain to stain their  axiom
existing only for the mass disintegration generalization and death of tomorrow's hope and the future of the next generation

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