did you tell her about me?
of the pain i caused you?
of my problems that you no longer wanted to fix?
or of the ******* heart of yours i broke.
did you tell her how i TRANSFERED for YOU left all MY friends to please YOU
or  did you tell her about the call at 4 A.M. because I had a nightmare and needed to talk to someone, to hear my best friend's voice tell me "it's okay olivia, it was just a dream"
or how i asked you to send me sad things so that i would force myself to cry, because i hadn't cried in months and wanted to feel SOMETHING other than numb
or how we stayed up until 3 A.M. in Germany trying to solve this unsolvable mess, and you cried and i cried. everything was so ****** up
or all the red mango's i put on your doorstep as a peace offering.

you knew me, but you didnt
and that's something i still can't figure out
you knew how to manipulate me into thinking it was the best choice for US.
you loved using "us"
but you never ******* encouraged me or made me feel PROUD
I showed you my ****** poetry and you just "hmph-ed" you ******* HMPH-ED
Awhile ago I felt like I was drowing.
And I didn't want to come up and show my face to you, to my mom, to anyone who mattered
you mattered to me, c.
you mattered.
but now,
my priorities lie in
gaining back everything you put away in a box
that tiny little box you labeled
branded
with your name

someone called me dynamite today.
if you've never been called that, i'd like to tell you, then, that
you are dynamite.
so
explode.
fizzle.
light up.
be put out.
light up again.
trigger a spark in someone's eyes they didn't know was there
fog someone's vison if just for a moment. taint their perception and blur their minds
dazzle ignite crackle sparkle
be an ember red, hot, strong, passionate, warming, deep orange
use your flame how you want and
be
dynamite

when you leave
for good
I will not be okay,
and miss you tremendously.

however, we will eventually forget each other,
(you sooner than I)
and we will find new friends
and all will be okay

but that's the thing.
I don't want it to be okay that I have forgotten you
because you are so dear to me
and I do not want to forget this meaning and feeling

(If someone,
anyone,
thought about me in that way
that I think about you,
I would be
wordlessly in love.)

I'll smoke this cigarette
And think of you
My one regret
Wish I could forget
One day I will
And that'll be a sad day for you

My mother was my first coach
With blonde hair
Boy cut

And big arms
Mama arms
That held the whole world once

Teaching me fast pace
Before baby steps, baby steps
Until you catch your breath.

Then Medina
With deep laughter
He made us tell jokes
To get out of push ups

He stuck out his hand
At the end of the chain link fence
Where I spat my blue gum out
Into his dark, and rounded palms

That led up to his yellow
Menger Cheetah  
Cut off t-shirt
In the form of a tank top now

Insisting that I don't choke
While I
Breathe deep

In through your nose and
Out through your mouth.

Berkopes was bald
Like a military man

The boys said
From action movies

He smiled wide
As deep as he pushed

Toes
Toes
Toes

Up the hills
Behind the middle school
In the cool of
White morning
Over dew dropped grass.

Wingfield had short,
Dark hair
And my favorite
Green
For eyes

She had soft cheeks
Freckled
With a heavy stare

Eyes up
Knees up
Shoulders back and down.

Carter came easy
With t-shirts
And bike handles

Pushing up one hill
16X100
In mid September
He said
You're a natural

Teach your muscles to work when they're tired
Three steps faster and hold that pace.

The fastest kid I ever knew
With hair longer than my own
And a pink head band

He'd run six miles before he met me for our five

Dropping back to pace
He said it was all about staying relaxed

Potato chips
Between fingertips

Breathe deep

Because
It's all about
Staying relaxed.