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Was I always of another crane
Was I always of another in vain?

Would the wine be so kind that I-
Wanna slap around my soul at this night?
It’s the urge of hunting and of dining
But I had never known the true fulfillment
I’d like to savor the softness
Of that blue pleasure, of that loftiness
Would the times begone if I had wished for it?
Nor would they suffer the same consequences
But yet here I am in the wall
Eating my heart out with a spoon of drool
A spinner web painted around my dress
And collaring my neck and my legs
When in the true fashion lies my sensation,
I will be there, to marry our brethren
When would the sun shine out if it’s high ground
And cut up the songs that spin out?
Must she come up with something to hide
Or some telegram which flew wide....

Of the shore?
It was in the daytime and night
that I really began to stick out
I went to the park and
Yelled to my heart’s content

Next day he came to my side at the swings
and sat down on the one next to mine
“Hey,” he admitted. “I love you, what do you say?”
Then earth’s coat turned one hundred-eighty degrees.

‘Love?’

I said, in all my childish wisdom, “Then it’s best that we wait until grown.”
I wouldn’t know at the time
that it was the best response I could have given at that age

Years pass
and in my mind
was the statement (question?),

‘Love(?)’

In the night I’d lunge to sleep
like a lost lover coming to reap
the missed fruits of a long forgotten tree

In my dreams I’d live a life
filled with less strife than I’d ever face

And in those dreams I would
fantasize of the shape
that my love would take

And when I closed my eyes I would whisper,

“Love?”

Unknowingly I had kindled a fire deep in the recesses of my chest
that would color me like a canvas empty and yearning

And I, in my hopeful search,
would utter the wistful words,

“Love!(?)”

I used to get some nightmares at times
that would rouse me from sleep
and leave me alert but placid,
staring at the bluish tiny of my curtains

In the wake of fear, panic, and sadness
there in the early morning hours
was the time I would find a peace uncoiled
an emptiness welcomed whole

And then, I would sigh, and think whimsically,

‘Love?’

Then was the place I’d look upon
where possibilities laid across my gaze.
None of them were possible but
I’d find enjoyment out of the dream

And every time, I’d shrug with weariness,

“Love(?)”

So in the end of a year, then we ventured on a tour
where we had fun and laughter
and much-earned confusion
On the final night we marched for the diner
The road was damp with rain, petrichor strong in the air
and the dim streetlights set the sky dark
stars vanished with grace
I argued with my fickle friend(?) and found myself behind him,
contemplating whether I should
Then I mused, ‘**** it,’ and strided forward to him
Nudging his shoulder, he did not realize me
so I nudged harder

And that was when he looked at me.

And

I

said


H
e
y,

l
o
v
e
(?)


And

he

said


N
a
­h
.


.......
.....
...
.

.

.
.
.
Was I crushed?
I don’t think so
for when I received his answer
and the electric message
lighted up the passages between my neurons
there I was so happy that I
could have jumped up high and reached the full moon,
touched the humid clouds and came away wet with rain
and smiled and smiled and-

Smiled.

I laughed and smiled
and I went back
I was so proud of myself, of my success, of my joy,
of the dark rainy night and the earthy fragrance
that I had not minded his rejection at all.

And in my mind I was laughing,

‘Love...(?)’

It was in the next few years that I
stood in front of a whole crew (gang?)
and heard him say,
“He wants to date you, what do you say?”

Me?

Wouldn’t I be flattered? It’s ingrained at this point
Building up and up and up to this day
when all my longing would have paid off.

.
.
.
“I’m sorry,” I replied ruefully, an apology on my lips and anxious, burning nerves in the pit of my belly.
“I can’t.”
Then I walked away like that.

And, I had exhaled internally, tired,

‘Love?(.)’

And I slowly came to realize, after months,
that I had been searching where I shouldn’t have
and that what I had sought all this time

was a raw, visceral, delicate, quiet, warm, fond, shaky, intimate, peaceful care

in the depths of my belly, and in the dark cavities of my mind,

I had always known that the thing I had been searching for
had been-

.......
....
.

‘Love.(?)’
A history of my love life I guess XD
Also, there’s a lot confusion in me regarding ‘love.’ It’s a feeling I know from inside out yet not at all, and it’s been the bane of my existence for years, even since my childhood times.
It is as strange as the legends say,
She seems as **** as the swans titter of.

With that groomed, pristine coat
And the croon of songcranes;
She seems as beautiful as I dream of.
Duckling???? No idea.
It's slow and underlying
It's so little that
you could miss it with a blink
It's so soft that
you could barely feel it

It exists there as part of you now.
It is in your being.
This love you feel,

it's the kind you can't live without.
It's the kind that doesn't show itself.

It's invisible. It's there.
At some point, it becomes routine
Is it true?
Think thoroughly

Close the doors
Are you ready to face them?

You don’t have to be the one
That opens the curtains in the morning
But why not?
How about we try?

Consecutive success sounds boring
Let’s try something new this time
Just for once
It probably won’t hurt

It’s much easier to stop than you think
It’s mostly your childhood bias that makes you think so
Children find it hard to resist pleasure
You? Not as much as them

Experiment
It’s fun to do every once in a while

Sometimes you’ll see something interesting at school

You don’t need to befriend every single person
In the same vein,
You don’t need to have everyone’s amiability
It would be better, but it’s not necessary

You will meet some friends
Some who will stay with you
Some who shared a chapter of your life
And gave their farewells
And one
(Or two. Or three. However you like)
Of those who stay
Will be your lover
(Or lovers. However you like)

Sometimes it’s easier to laugh than mope

If doing something for yourself means
That you should do something you dislike
Choose one. There’s no wrong answer
But remember the consequences
You might not always like them

When you decide you want to love
Deciding is enough
It might come, or it might not
Whatever it is, enjoy

You aren’t your ideal of beauty
But if you look at yourself long enough
In the mirror
You will see what some others do
Stare into your eyes
Caress the shape of your lips with your gaze
Try and stare apathetically at your reflection
You can’t

Do you have a hairy body?
Okay
Do you have a hairless body?
Alright

Decisions, decisions...
They make up most
But not all
Even so, it's a step

So your friend liked it
Do you actually want to lend it?
Do you feel obligated to?
Because if you don't want to, don't

If let, people will choose to ignore
Not many want to engage

You are what you want to be
You might not think so, but it counts
At least, where it matters

What matters who you love?
Relying on family's support...
It's nothing to worry about.
They'll die at some point, and you are free of them.
There's no shame in breaking off from the chain.

Keep your support, don't alienate them
But don't depend on them. For if you want freedom,
You need your own help

                                                But most of all
                                      
                            remember that everything will be okay.
For me to check every once in a while, advice for myself (when I forget)
I've been all over, I think.
It's confusing.

There's this thing I love. I love it so much,
I don't think I could go without.
It's bad for me,
in excess.
It holds me under my arms and carries me to celestial bodies.
It turns me alive.

There's the real world. I  despise it.
If it means to part with what I need.
I cling so desperately but-

-has anyone noticed why?

It doesn't really matter the reason.
I don't want to know.
But it's the one thing I want to hold onto.

Ah, I remember the times I'd lay really quiet.
Thinking all day and night about magic.
It's what I need. It's what kills me.

I feel the farewell a bit too close, it is near.
And I
feel the farewell a bit too much.
It saddens me.

Growing up and leaving this, are you crazy?
I'm a madman, when has anyone seen me let go?
I'll cling with each particle of my being, at the risk of sounding dramatic.

But I'll be happier than the housewives and the office men.
I'll have it-

-this thing I love. It's something I do.
It's nothing interesting.
It's my whole world.
I noticed that if I want to survive, I'll have to pause living
(Just joking hbghbj I started studying for exams)
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